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Original poster

Cheated and now...?

219 replies

Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:06

So my future dh kissed a woman he works with 2 weekends ago. I found out by a text flashing up on his phone that made me suspicious so I read it. He doesn't know I know. We have a baby and things haven't been close close in about a year, together for 3 years.

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me) and has mentioned her a lot so I wasn't worried. After the kiss he is still having lunch with her every day just them but the text said something about their feelings. I think I'm just in shock to be honest

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 02:14

Ok He knows you are using His phone... He now knows you already know everything.. He wanted you to find those messages... Saves Him telling you. He is now sat upstairs waiting for the fallout... so He can leave and likely go stay with Her ... 🌸

Gumbojumbo · 03/09/2021 02:27

OP, the fact that he mentions her a lot is a red flag. Can you remember when you had that first flutter and had to talk about that person all the time? Time to confront him. Feel for you right now, especially with your baby in arms.

Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 02:39

I'm so sorry Whatwhaat.
Flowers

Newmum29 · 03/09/2021 02:45

I’m so sorry this happened. I’m an anomaly who believes relationships can survive cheating but only if the cheater really wants it to work with their partner which it doesn’t sound like he does. You are in a very vulnerable position with a 6MO and I wish you all the best with your decision. Sorry this happened to you.

CJsGoldfish · 03/09/2021 03:33

I am so sorry this is happening to you OP.
Your determination to not use your child as a pawn is wonderful and says so much about you. I only hope you not swayed by those on the thread urging you to do so. I'd dismiss any advice from anyone encouraging you to 'restrict access' as some kind of 'punishment'

You are clearly a strong woman and a great mother and I hope for nothing but the very best for you going forward. Your dd can only thrive with you in her corner

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2021 03:45

One place where I used to work, a married bloke with 3 kids and a younger single woman used to have lunch together every day. After about a year, it came out that it was a full blown affair that broke up his marriage. He ended up marrying the woman from work and having another baby with her - but I don't know what happened after that because I lost contact with people from that job (and had moved jobs myself)

If he's still having lunch with her, it's a very high risk situation from the point of view of him continuing with the affair, whether or not they actually have sex again.

I'm glad that you know you're done with him - as I (and others) say, he's obviously still interested in her, so there's not much point in hanging in there.

I would talk to him sooner rather than later and tell him it's over, and that you need to work out how to move forward from this point, as you are no longer a couple but need to still co-parent your baby.

twelvefiftynine · 03/09/2021 03:56

Why are men that cheat and lie and put their energy into affairs outside their marriage always 'wonderful fathers'. It's so far from wonderful.

littlefireseverywhere · 03/09/2021 04:47

So sorry OP, he sounds like an arse.

welliesarefuntowear · 03/09/2021 04:56

He's an absolute fucker. I have been in your position and I stayed. 20 years later found out he was fucking someone else. Set your boundaries high. I'm really really worried if you are to conciliatory about access then he'll walk all over you. Protect you. Currently he deserves nothing.

KitKatKong · 03/09/2021 04:56

So sorry OP Thanks. My baby is nearly six months and I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. Please consider what you do next carefully and whether he truly is a great dad. A great dad wouldn't go out, get drunk and then sleep with a woman or continue seeing the woman. He knows this. He should be supporting you especially when DD is so young. He's also being a terrible role model for her. Yes- he should still get to see her but you should decide when and where. You can't trust him and can't be certain he'll do right by her, he hasn't by you (you say things haven't been great for a year - he should have been supporting you during pregnancy and first born) not cheating.

Buildingthefuture · 03/09/2021 05:59

I’m sorry OP, what a shit situation to be in. BUT you are in control now and all the decisions moving forward are yours. I would kick him out, tell one trusted friend, then allow the dust to settle for however long you need.
The LTB brigade will be out in force on this one, but only you can make that decision. Only you know if this is a one off fuck up or whether he is really just a Twat. Whilst I absolutely agree that there is NO EXCUSE for this kind of shit behaviour, their seems to be something about having babies that makes some men behave like utter wankers! I have no DC but I know of at least 3 couples where this has happened, when the wife has recently had a baby. In all 3 cases the DH had no intention of leaving his wife, he was just getting an ego boost elsewhere after feeling “neglected” at home (which yes, is truly twatish!) However, all 3 couples had counselling. One split (and he truly regrets it) and 2 stayed together, went on to have more DC and are happy again.
I also do not think it is telling that he told her he wouldn’t leave due to your DD….however thick he might be, he’s not going to tell a woman he’s just shagged that he has no intention of leaving his DP because he loves her!! Nor do I think he wanted you to find out….I think he’s just an fucking idiot!!
I think the most likely outcome is that you will confront him, he will be devastated and beg for forgiveness. But only you can decide how you want to move forward and currently you are in shock and with a 6m DD you will be knackered and emotional anyway. Take some time for YOU to decide what YOU want. sending lots of hugs and support your way xxxx

MyOtherProfile · 03/09/2021 06:08

What a shock. Hope he has grovelled then packed and gone.

MsDogLady · 03/09/2021 06:17

Thinking about you and sending strength, OP.

GeorgeAnneAndTimmytoo · 03/09/2021 06:31

This was me 10 years ago and I want to tell you something…. It is going to be ok.

You sound like you have your feet on the ground. You are so right to not use your child as a weapon. If you can have a good co-parenting relationship That is the greatest Gift you can give her.

My life today looks very different to the one I thought it would be but it is a great life.

Ex and I are good friends and the kids who are now late teens are happy and well adjusted and know how much they are loved.

The finding out, asking him to leave and sorting out the legal side were hard but it got easier and happiness and love found me again.

Meltedwellie · 03/09/2021 06:31

Restricting access to your baby isn’t necessarily about being horrible to him. It doesn’t mean not allowing access at all. It means thinking about what’s best for your baby. E.g, 50/50 one week in one house, one week in another isn’t what I would want for my baby. Think about options such as you as the main care giver with him seeing her on a Saturday and midweek day or EOW.

LAMPS1 · 03/09/2021 06:35

He has no regard for you as a partner that’s now more than clear. Looks like he wanted you to find out.
But the worrying thing here is that he also has no regard for you as a mother, a brand new mother at that. So he isn’t as good a father as you think he is because he seems to think he can replace you.
A pp told you to keep your baby close to you and I would agree with that. For me, the thought of his OW having any part at all in bringing up or influencing your own precious child would be unbearable right now. You need time to consult and to think. Ask him to leave the home. And keep your baby close. He has cheated on you both.

decoratedstandardlamp · 03/09/2021 07:01

@Meltedwellie

Restricting access to your baby isn’t necessarily about being horrible to him. It doesn’t mean not allowing access at all. It means thinking about what’s best for your baby. E.g, 50/50 one week in one house, one week in another isn’t what I would want for my baby. Think about options such as you as the main care giver with him seeing her on a Saturday and midweek day or EOW.
I agree how unsettling for a child and exhausting to constantly be on the move. Focus on their actual needs rather than being fair to parents.

Anyway what a bastard he is. The first year is very tough. He obviously doesn't have a very good sense of character to be cheating in this period.

Staryflight445 · 03/09/2021 07:04

I agree with a PP, he isn’t a good father at all. He has absolutely blown her world apart with his actions and created a situation where she will now not have her parents together. He is disgusting and I would be so angry on my child’s behalf because of what he’s taken away from her.

Good luck op.

Zzzzzzxxx · 03/09/2021 07:12

Hope you have had a good sleep. And today is better for you

Lucycantdance · 03/09/2021 07:40

Hey OP, I’m so sorry :( being a mum to a 6 month old is hard enough.

I’m not sure what happened last night but you must be all over the show. I really can’t see how there would be any way back from this and he is obviously not a great dad if he is behaving like this with a tiny baby to care for. The lunch thing is a red flag I’m sorry but I can’t think of many scenarios where that would be normal. I really hope you make a clean break and it works out for you Flowers

JustJustWhy · 03/09/2021 08:04

@HalzTangz

If this was me I would do the below

1- use his phone and message her to say hope you want a lodger the cheating arse is no longer welcome here.

2- go upstairs, through his shit in a black bag, take it downstairs and wat for him to come down after sorting baby.

3- tell him to get the fuck out of the house.

I absolutely would not do step 1. Maintain your dignity.
twelvefiftynine · 03/09/2021 08:36

@Meltedwellie

Restricting access to your baby isn’t necessarily about being horrible to him. It doesn’t mean not allowing access at all. It means thinking about what’s best for your baby. E.g, 50/50 one week in one house, one week in another isn’t what I would want for my baby. Think about options such as you as the main care giver with him seeing her on a Saturday and midweek day or EOW.
Yep. In Australia 50/50 is no longer the starting point and no longer means equal care, it means equal rights but in a different sense. It was found to have a detrimental effect on children, as soon as they get settled in one place they are packing up and going to another place. Different parenting, different rules etc. Imagine if you had to move from your home each week, we'd hate it as adults. No idea why anyone thinks it's a good idea for kids.
timeisnotaline · 03/09/2021 09:00

The op might have no intention of restricting access to the baby but the reality is it’s obviously best for a 6m baby in most scenarios to spend the majority of times with their mum. 50/50 at this age is absolutely not the best outcome for the baby and it’s possible no overnights at all are good for the baby at this age depending on the baby and setup re breastfeeding etc. That’s just the natural consequences of cheating on your partner when she is home caring for your small baby.

Dizzy1234 · 03/09/2021 09:41

Hope you are ok this morning op, or as OK as you can be, you received a lot of good and bad advice last night, if you havnt already confronted him, think long and hard before you do, take a breath and think about what you want to do, get your ducks in a row and don't feel like you have to make any decisions, you're allowed to take as much time as you need ❤️

Itsbeen84yearss · 03/09/2021 09:50

@CJsGoldfish

I am so sorry this is happening to you OP. Your determination to not use your child as a pawn is wonderful and says so much about you. I only hope you not swayed by those on the thread urging you to do so. I'd dismiss any advice from anyone encouraging you to 'restrict access' as some kind of 'punishment'

You are clearly a strong woman and a great mother and I hope for nothing but the very best for you going forward. Your dd can only thrive with you in her corner

I was not encouraging her to restrict access as punishment. I was encouraging her to restrict until she actually knows what’s going to happen and to keep her child safe and happy. She doesn’t know this woman and tbh doesn’t seem to know her boyfriend either given what he’s done. The father clearly doesn’t put the child above his own needs. This woman could end up being a caregiver to her child and she’s a stranger.
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