Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated and now...?

219 replies

Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:06

So my future dh kissed a woman he works with 2 weekends ago. I found out by a text flashing up on his phone that made me suspicious so I read it. He doesn't know I know. We have a baby and things haven't been close close in about a year, together for 3 years.

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me) and has mentioned her a lot so I wasn't worried. After the kiss he is still having lunch with her every day just them but the text said something about their feelings. I think I'm just in shock to be honest

OP posts:
Motnight · 02/09/2021 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BeaBeaBuzz · 02/09/2021 19:57

So sorry OP. What’s your situation financially/house/work? Do you have someone close to support you?

Amandasummers · 02/09/2021 19:57

Well, I’d be saying she’s welcome to him!

Queenie6655 · 02/09/2021 19:58

No

Sorry it's a big no

You get him out ASAP

user1483387154 · 02/09/2021 19:59

take a copy of the messages

Dizzy1234 · 02/09/2021 20:01

Just read your update, if they've slept together he wasn't thinking about you or DD, it was planned, christ, Im mad on your behalf
Screenshot everything so he can't deny it or gaslight you

girlmom21 · 02/09/2021 20:01

Oh OP I'm so sorry. He needs to leave.

AliceW89 · 02/09/2021 20:02

He’s very, very brazen letting you use his phone with all those messages there. I’m sorry you’ve had such a horrible shock OP x

Singleorigincoffee · 02/09/2021 20:09

He can't leave DD, well, he should've kept his dick in his pants.

LTB he sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it with both you and her, he didn't want to leave his cushy life with you and he wanted to keep her but he can't leave .

MsDogLady · 02/09/2021 20:10

He is having an affair, so you need to confront him asap. Don’t tolerate any blame shifting. If he had issues, he should have worked on them with you or ended your relationship instead of lying and cheating.

Get angry, OP. He chose infidelity and is making a mockery of you and DD. He needs to feel the loss of you, so show him the door. Flowers

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:12

He's still with the baby so I've took screenshots like pp says

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:14

I actually don't think he's as bothered about me as dd. He is a wonderful father

Ivexseen a message saying she's given him a lot to think about

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:15

I know I'm probably just in shock but I'd never keep her from him, he really is wonderful with her and its not her fault. None of this is

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 02/09/2021 20:18

She said they need to talk about that first and don't jeapordise dd. They said they have feelings for each other

I'm sorry OP but this is more than a fling or "mistake", this woman is very concerned with your DD and seems to be angling to be stepmum. Time to get angry. Very fuckung angry, do you have family or friends for support, what is the housing situation?

OverweightPidgeon · 02/09/2021 20:19

Look him in the eye and just say ‘I know’ see what he has to say for himself. I can’t believe he has let you use his phone- I wonder if he wants to get caught, you throw him out, then he doesn’t have to make a decision.

Onyernelly · 02/09/2021 20:20

You need to get support op. Do you have someone you can go to for comfort?
Your mum - a friend?

IM0GEN · 02/09/2021 20:20

I disgree with everyone else. There’s no point in talking to him, you know what he will say. It’s a standard script. He will lie lie and lie. Then he will lie more. Then he will blame you. Then more lies.

I’d say nothing to him and do this:

  1. Confide in someone in RL you can trust to have your best interests at heart and not all about keeping up appearances. That might be a friend rather than family member.
  1. Work out what you want to do. Get paperwork together and take legal advice, even of you are deciding to stay and accept him having affairs. It’s good to know what your options are.
  1. See a counsellor if you can.

4.Put your plan into action and then ( only then ) tell your husband what you have decided.

“ Confronting him “ now is great for a soap opera or drama. But you are shocked and upset - it’s not a good way to approach such an important conversation.

He’s had months to work out what he wants - you can take your time.

RGinaPhalange · 02/09/2021 20:23

Oh op, I’m so sorry that your going through this. I hope you’re ok.

I know you’ve said he’s a good father but in all honesty good fathers don’t do this. If he cared about his daughter he wouldn’t have slept with someone else. He would treated his daughters mother with the respect she deserved.

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:24

I don't think he would lie. He offered to tell me if that's what she wanted. I'm... Stunned, I think

Own the house jointly, not married yet. I don't want to tell anyone in real life yet that makes it real

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:26

The messages mutually agreed they weren't doing that again but he's gone straight back to spending lunches with her so now even just talking feels wrong

OP posts:
moomin11 · 02/09/2021 20:27

It's almost like he wanted you to find out.

isthismylifenow · 02/09/2021 20:27

Did he hand over his phone willingly?

LadyOfTheFlowers · 02/09/2021 20:28

Seems he wanted you to find out

LadyOfTheFlowers · 02/09/2021 20:28

In a rather weasely way tbh

Wizzbangfizz · 02/09/2021 20:28

I'm astonished he let you use his phone if he has something of that magnitude to hide

Swipe left for the next trending thread