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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated and now...?

219 replies

Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:06

So my future dh kissed a woman he works with 2 weekends ago. I found out by a text flashing up on his phone that made me suspicious so I read it. He doesn't know I know. We have a baby and things haven't been close close in about a year, together for 3 years.

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me) and has mentioned her a lot so I wasn't worried. After the kiss he is still having lunch with her every day just them but the text said something about their feelings. I think I'm just in shock to be honest

OP posts:
moomin11 · 02/09/2021 20:28

You don't think he would lie? He just has!

MsDogLady · 02/09/2021 20:31

….it wasn’t planned

Yes, it was. They went somewhere alone and he unzipped his pants. That was a choice, just as their escalating emotional affair has been a choice.

A ‘wonderful’ father would not lie to and cheat on his child’s mother. You do not have to stay with a man who has greatly devalued and betrayed you. You can establish a workable co-parenting relationship.

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:33

Calling him a wonderful father doesn't mean I'm staying, don't take it to mean that, I mean my child will retain 2 parents who love her

Im just not sure of my next step

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:35

They were drunk when they did it and it said not planned but I suppose you're right msdoglady, even if it was planned 5 minutes before it was still planned

OP posts:
AliceW89 · 02/09/2021 20:37

Lethal OP Sad when were you due to get married? What are your finances like?

wintercoffees · 02/09/2021 20:38

What did they say in the message to make you think they slept together

Jesskir89 · 02/09/2021 20:38

Op I'm so sorry youre going through this, you must be sick to your stomach. Of course you want whats best for dd but there's no going back from this you know that, right? The fact there's feelings, lunch dates and messages says it all, hes not arsed. He would tell you if ow wanted but not because its the right thing to do and he's fucked up? The trust is gone and if you stay he will do this again....

Twinkie01 · 02/09/2021 20:39

It's awful, I sort of know the feeling, your whole world stops and you just feel a crushing weight on your chest.

Sit him down without saying you know the whole truth and see if he's honest with you. Then tell him to pack a bag and go somewhere-else for a few days. Ring wherever he's going, say to his parents/a friend, to alert them to the situation so you can rest assisted he's not going to her.

Then you need someone to support you, someone to hold you whilst you figure out WTF to do.

Don't make hasty decisions and don't tell all and sundry, just someone you really trust.

If you are to go forward he is to completely cut contact with her and change jobs. You can be there when he rings and tells her you know and it's over for them.

You'll have lots of people tell you to LTB but only you can make that decision. They don't know him, don't know the person he is outside of this shorty situation.

latte101 · 02/09/2021 20:42

Take a deep breath, OP. Tell him you know. Tell him he needs to move out for a bit to give you chance to think x

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:44

Oh we are absolutely done. I just don't know what my next step is right in this moment

OP posts:
Itsbeen84yearss · 02/09/2021 20:45

That’s the end of that then. At least you only have one child with him. You can start over. I’d say the fact he hasn’t cleared his message history means he wants you to know.
What’s your home situation? Mortgage? Rent? Ideally he needs kicking out and the locks changing. Limit access to the baby unless you want this other woman with her mucky paws all over your child 50:50.

wintercoffees · 02/09/2021 20:47

How do you know they spelt together

zgirldreamsoftulum · 02/09/2021 20:50

@Whatwhaat just to say I'm so sorry for you, am in a similar position to you as just discovered my DH of 20 years has slept with a work colleague. Don't think I've ever felt so distressed. Sending 💐. It truly sucks.

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 20:53

I'm not going to limit access to our child, she's his too.

I can't believe any of this

To those asking how I know they slept together, there were messages discussing it

I don't know think he wanted me find out like this. I think he's just been an idiot with this aspect

OP posts:
Twinkie01 · 02/09/2021 20:54

Right in the moment just think about you and DD. Draw up a plan as to when he can see DD and finances in the interim whilst you look into splitting finances permanently.

It is fucking heartbreaking and you'll need to be very strong over the next few weeks and months. Get as much support from friends and trusted family as you can in terms of taking DD to enable you to have time to grieve and supporting you emotionally.

Get all financial information together and decide if you want to legally split ASAP or wait until your feelings are more on an even keel.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/09/2021 20:55

I think OP the best thing to do is to sit him down and say I’m saving you the bother of trying to keep 2 relationships going- we discuss the little one and practicals and financials and then you have 10 days to sort out a move — stick to your guns because you will never feel the same again- no matter if he’s sorry or not I’m sad to say

Itsbeen84yearss · 02/09/2021 20:56

Remember if you end up in court for access, courts tend to stick with whatever a child is used to so if you start offering him 50/50 they’ll stick to it even if you want to reduce it in the future. Keep your baby close. Don’t let him take her anywhere. Better to increase access later when you know what his plans become and whether he’ll shack up with this woman.
If kicking him out means you’re in financial dire straits it’s all the more reason not to be soft over access. The less access he has the more maintenance he’ll have to pay you. I know it sounds awful but I’m afraid you have to get tough in these situations

summertime202 · 02/09/2021 20:56

Ohh so sorry he's put you in this position 😩. I would Get rid of him! You deserve much better! There is no excuse for kissing/ sleeping with other women! Mistake or not / planned or not/ drunk or not! No excuse ! Hope you kick him out tonight ! Look after yourself

honeygriff · 02/09/2021 20:57

I'm just so sorry OP this is beyond awful. I hope you've got a good support network you can call on.

MsDogLady · 02/09/2021 20:58

OP, how old is DD?

Itsbeen84yearss · 02/09/2021 20:58

You’re being naive. You might think he’s a good father but it’s not looking good from what we’re reading here and you don’t know how this woman would treat your dd either.

Jesskir89 · 02/09/2021 21:00

Have you confronted him op

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 21:01

She's 6 months old.

The woman sounded wonderful going by his description, ironically

I'm fine financially and I won't ever be using my child as anything other than what she is. She's all that matters

Thank you for the supportive messages. My world is spinning

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 21:02

We've not been close in over a year so in some ways it's only a relationship in name only. I really thought we'd be alright eventually

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 02/09/2021 21:03

I've no advice but I'm sorry you are having to deal with this OP