Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated and now...?

219 replies

Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:06

So my future dh kissed a woman he works with 2 weekends ago. I found out by a text flashing up on his phone that made me suspicious so I read it. He doesn't know I know. We have a baby and things haven't been close close in about a year, together for 3 years.

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me) and has mentioned her a lot so I wasn't worried. After the kiss he is still having lunch with her every day just them but the text said something about their feelings. I think I'm just in shock to be honest

OP posts:
Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 02/09/2021 22:35

I also very sorry that you're going through this. I think, from the level headed way you've written about this here that you need him to clear out right now so that you can figure out what you want without his interference/influence and emotion. He needs to give you space so that you can work out your movements from now on. So far he's been the one making decisions about your life without your knowledge.

BeachDrifting · 02/09/2021 22:36

Pick the baby up and go stay with family. Just go. Don’t even tell him. You now get to do what you want and when you want. You don’t have to consider his feelings. He lost that right. So sorry you’re going through this

altmember · 02/09/2021 22:37

@lyntheyresexpeople

I'd leave his phone on the table open on the messages you've read and sit there in front of it.
I'd leave his phone on the table with this thread open!

It's clearly an affair, emotional and sporadically physical. He's not in love with you and only thing stopping him leaving is your daughter, not you. Sorry. But he'll leave anyway once he is finds out that you've found out.

EmbarrassingMama · 02/09/2021 22:39

So sorry OP. This is horrible to read. I hope you’re OK.

Flamingo89 · 02/09/2021 22:42

I have been the ‘other woman’ in this situation (which I am not proud of)… from experience his time with her is likely lust and an escape from your probably now mundane and routine lifestyle (NOT YOUR FAULT- this is life)… he probably does care for you and your baby more than her and will stay when it comes down to the crunch HOWEVER it is a sure sign of weakness. If he’s cheated now, he will cheat again when things get tough or boring… you deserve better, you deserve someone that is committed. Walk away… he will blame the other woman, he will tell you he’s made a mistake and he will tell you the same again the next time! Take your baby and show them unconditional love, not disrespect. I hope you find the strength to leave and find what you deserve Flowers

Boredhimtodeath · 02/09/2021 23:07

I would be more hurt by the emotional aspect. Good about your attitude with him and your daughter, it wouldn’t be fair on her to restrict her time with him.

Do you have good support in real life? Is there somewhere he can go tonight?

ShuddaBeenMe · 02/09/2021 23:14

How awful for you Thanks

Aaa456789 · 02/09/2021 23:14

What a tw*t you and your DD deserve better 🌺

HalzTangz · 02/09/2021 23:17

If this was me I would do the below

1- use his phone and message her to say hope you want a lodger the cheating arse is no longer welcome here.

2- go upstairs, through his shit in a black bag, take it downstairs and wat for him to come down after sorting baby.

3- tell him to get the fuck out of the house.

Cheesecake53 · 02/09/2021 23:20

@Boredhimtodeath

I would be more hurt by the emotional aspect. Good about your attitude with him and your daughter, it wouldn’t be fair on her to restrict her time with him.

Do you have good support in real life? Is there somewhere he can go tonight?

Surely he can go to his lunch date?
imonlyhooman · 02/09/2021 23:25

Oh you poor thing. I'm so sorry x

Ryan121 · 02/09/2021 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cookingisoverrated · 02/09/2021 23:29

He's carrying on merrily day in and day out with the OW emotionally, and it will get physical again.

I'd ask him to leave tonight. You need space. So you can sort out how you want to proceed as you two split up.

I'm sorry, OP. He's a coward to turn his attentions elsewhere instead of facing up to the relationship he was supposed to be committed to one way or another honestly and openly.

smallgoon · 02/09/2021 23:32

How has he managed to sleep with a collague (while both drunk) during covid times, genuinely wondering?

Has he not returned home from work before?

smallgoon · 02/09/2021 23:35

*colleague rather

Bananarama21 · 02/09/2021 23:46

Hope your OK op

LV2NY · 02/09/2021 23:48

@HalzTangz

If this was me I would do the below

1- use his phone and message her to say hope you want a lodger the cheating arse is no longer welcome here.

2- go upstairs, through his shit in a black bag, take it downstairs and wat for him to come down after sorting baby.

3- tell him to get the fuck out of the house.

Ha ha this is more my way of thinking! When I found out an ex BF had slept with someone I used a fake Facebook profile to message her and tell her she was dating a cheating scum bag. Turns out she knew about me, we were “the family”, he loved me and she wanted to know why we weren’t engaged yet as we had been dating over a year?? I don’t know if she had been drinking or what but she then started bombarding me with weird religious messages and I stopped responding as she came across as a bit loopy!
OnceTheyDid · 03/09/2021 00:00

Oh this is shit OP. So sorry this is happening to you.

Take some time to think. You have control from now on.

Explosivefarts · 03/09/2021 00:16

Ehhh tell him and get him to pack to an leave . This isn’t a one off drunken night this has been brewing for months . He had every opportunity to distance from her. They are having a full on affair emotionally and now physically. You deserve better .

Mumwithapub · 03/09/2021 00:16

If he is such a good father why is he putting his own selfish needs before the needs of his daughters wellbeing? Looking after the mother of his child and making her feel loved and appreciated is what a good father should be doing not boosting his own ego. Wasn't thinking of his daughter in the presence of his home wrecking "friend"!

Maze76 · 03/09/2021 00:30

So sorry! This is what my husband did with his work colleague. He’s crossed such a big line. You will receive a lot of good advice here, but I will say this. If he’s still having cosy lunches with her and is not distancing himself from her, then he will more than likely sleep with her again. I say this from experience/ the sooner you get rid, the less hurt and damage he can cause.

Icanflyhigh · 03/09/2021 01:14

So sorry OP I hope you're doing ok x

absolutelynotcalm · 03/09/2021 01:15

I also believe he left the phone with you in the hope you would find the messages. It's the cowards way out, this way he doesn't have to have the difficult conversation with you.

I hope you're bearing up op. There will be challenging days ahead but you sound very strong. Hopefully you'll come out the other side even stronger.

My thoughts are will you Thanks

Peoniesandpeaches · 03/09/2021 01:35

The fact he offered to tell you only if that’s what she wanted should tell you everything about where his priorities lie right now. He is in the infatuation stage with the affair.
Take your time and react only when you feel ready. If you don’t want to have the conversation tonight you don’t have to even if it means feigning a headache. He’s thought of everyone but you so now it’s time to put yourself 1st.

Rangoon · 03/09/2021 02:03

I hope you have somebody you can talk to in RL. I wouldn't be bothering to be discreet. It is his behaviour which is shameful. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread