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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated and now...?

219 replies

Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:06

So my future dh kissed a woman he works with 2 weekends ago. I found out by a text flashing up on his phone that made me suspicious so I read it. He doesn't know I know. We have a baby and things haven't been close close in about a year, together for 3 years.

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me) and has mentioned her a lot so I wasn't worried. After the kiss he is still having lunch with her every day just them but the text said something about their feelings. I think I'm just in shock to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:11

Baby is 6 months

OP posts:
spotcheck · 02/09/2021 19:12

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me

It matters because he is having an affair, and basically having lunch dates with her

wintercoffees · 02/09/2021 19:13

You need to talk to him, not Mumsnet

anon12345anon · 02/09/2021 19:13

So sorry. Flowers

Unfortunately I think you need to tell him you know, and you need to seriously consider ending your relationship Flowers

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 19:15

That's horrible of him. This should be the best time of your life and he's off having lunch dates and talking about feelings with another woman. You need to talk to him and he needs to really see what he's doing.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2021 19:15

He's merrily cheating on you right under your nose. Don't be foolish enough to marry this man.

Mamamamasaurus · 02/09/2021 19:18

Why haven't you brought it up with him yet?

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:31

I want to look at their texts properly before I say something

He mentioned her a lot so I didn't think he'd be that stupid if there was something going on. That makes no sense to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:31

Those saying he's cheating on me, would you feel the same without the kiss, just the takeaway lunches while alone?

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/09/2021 19:33

Mentionitis is a thing... when they are really keen on someone else to the point and enjoy taking about them. It sometimes preceeds an actual affair (at which point they stop mentioning them regularly as don't want to be caught out).

The regular mentioning, lunch every day, regular texting and A KISS..... you can't ignore that and don't need any more 'evidence' surely?

IndecentCakes · 02/09/2021 19:33

There is obviously something going on, he is having a relationship with her.

wizzywig · 02/09/2021 19:34

What did the texts say about their feelings? I think the general advice is to screenshot these texts and send the images to yourself for proof. Good luck

girlmom21 · 02/09/2021 19:35

It's not necessarily a full affair but there's definitely an emotional affair (which for me personally is actually worse) that's crossing over into a physical one.

For me this would be too far gone to recover from.

Id talk to him once you've figured out your own feelings personally.

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:38

I'm going to try and look at his phone when he puts the baby down. I feel sick. He's reassured me nothing is going on before and I believed him but now I'm wondering if he was convincing himself

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:40

The text I saw about feelings said something like they both have feelings for each other but know that he'd never be separated from our daughter and he can't do that

OP posts:
Dizzy1234 · 02/09/2021 19:40

@Whatwhaat

Those saying he's cheating on me, would you feel the same without the kiss, just the takeaway lunches while alone?
But he did kiss her. Mentionitis and having lunch together would set my spidey senses tingling, add in a kiss and talking about feelings in a text would have me removing his knackers with a rusty spoon. He's having an emotional affair which is crossing over to a full blown affair. Dump his arse, he's messing around with another woman whilst in a relationship plus with a new baby, he's not a keeper
Bananarama21 · 02/09/2021 19:43

The fact he said he didn't want to be separated from his dd and no mention of you is very telling op

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:43

I think I'm genuinely reeling. He said she was a really good friend and they get on really well and that's it.

He'll be putting baby down in a minute and I've asked to use his phone as mine needs charging.

OP posts:
Singleorigincoffee · 02/09/2021 19:43

Talk to him, make your decision. What would it mean if you stayed, could you live with the hurt and would he change? If you don't think he will, then you know what to do.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2021 19:50

@Bananarama21

The fact he said he didn't want to be separated from his dd and no mention of you is very telling op
It depends whether it was him or her who said that. OP is also paraphrasing.
Motnight · 02/09/2021 19:51

He is having an affair, Op. How can you think otherwise?

OhWhatAmIDoing · 02/09/2021 19:53

He's definitely having an affair OP

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:55

Oh my god. It wasn't just a kiss, they slept together. I've not even read all of it, just the last 2 weeks. Apparently it wasn't planned and it was just the once going by these messages and he offered to tell me. She said they need to talk about that first and don't jeapordise dd. They said they have feelings for each other and he said if it weren't for me hed be doing something about it. Agreed they can't do it again and he said not to worry as nothing will change between them and they've continued having lunch together

What the hell have I just read

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:56

He said about not wanting to be separated from dd, that he could never do it

OP posts:
Dizzy1234 · 02/09/2021 19:57

Brace yourself op.
Really good friends don't kiss and talk about feelings.
I'm rooting for you