Husband's mistress has dumped him and now I want him back!

[WhereTheFuck]

Argh I am in such a shitty situation. at the beginning of May my husband left me for a woman he had been having an affair with since before Christmas. We have a DD who was barely 18 months when he left. Since then I have done really well, haven't missed a day of work, been strong for DD and H and I were actually doing an ok job of co-parenting. I even met someone else on tinder in July and we have met a few times and had some great sex It was starting to get easier and easier.

Today I have found out that my husband's OW has just dumped him and said she thinks they would be better as friends... and to be honest it has sent me right back to square one. I just feel like this whole situation is a terrible waste, especially for our little DD, and all I want to do is ask my husband to come back and give it another go.

Argh!! Please talk some sense into me

You’d maybe be happy, although that’s not guaranteed - until he decides to cheat again…

A man who walks out on his 18-month old child for a bit of totty is not a man worth having. You deserve better.

He is a twat.

Call him up and cackle with laughter like a demented witch down the phone and tell him he is reaping what he has sown.

Since then I have done really well, haven't missed a day of work, been strong for DD and H and I were actually doing an ok job of co-parenting. I even met someone else on tinder in July and we have met a few times and had some great sex

Don't undo all the good work OP.

He left you & his 18 month old daughter for the OW he was cheating with. He won't make you happy. He cared more about his affair shag than his own child FFS.

Take him back now & he will forever have the upper hand, while you - knowing you are second choice now - lose so much of the excellent strength you have built up, wasting it all on wondering when he'll find the next OW ...

There is only one thing to say to him, & it's counter-productive to a positive co-parenting arrangement, so I'll say it for you -
"Mwah ha ha ha ha, ha ha, sucker!"

My mother used to say to me you’re LaBellina and you’re not in the half off bin.

So. You’re (insert your real name, @WhereTheFuck) and you’re not in the half off bin.

When he left, the trash took itself out. You’re better off without him.

By all means try it but he will be gone again within 2 years because you were not his "the one" in the first place. Dont put yourself through that.
Move on and find the right man for you.
People never ever change.

He got dumped op he didnt want to come back hes prob putting o the sad act he knows hes fucked it all up

youve moved on just keep going

Do that, and he'll make do with you until something better comes along. Or maybe he'll say he's not interested in trying again again; what would THAT do to you and DC?

Meanwhile :
You'll have lost that promising new relationship
You will feel anxious and miserable every time DH "works late" or has a muffled phone call.
That new self confidence will have been knocked right back as you wait for him to dump you again.

You have done very well to retrieve a good co=parent relationship for your DC. It might not survive a second mistress/split.

Hold onto your blessings, don't look back,
and move forward.

I've been in your shoes. I took him back and I regret it now. He had another OW within months. Once a cheater, always a cheater - so very very true. Don't put your DD through the pain of seeing her dad leave twice.

So he's not even asking to come back, begging forgiveness and making promises?

Even if he was, you would be advised to tread carefully.

But he isn't?

On balance, you'll be setting yourself and your DD up for another bout of misery, stress and heartbreak.

You want the dream of the life your thought you'd have with him, not the man he actually is. Even if he came back, you'd only be the stop gap until he finds someone else he likes more. He's not to be trusted. It's important you protect your dd from the possible future of him moving in and out (as his other relationships fail) when she is old enough to notice him.

He left you once.
He didn't just talk about it, he actually did it.

Do you want to be an easy shag & free dinner/laundry service for him until he finds the next new thing?
Or do you just want to save him the extra money he pays on rent so he has more to spend on the next woman?

You know there will be one.

The relationship you thought you were in before he left for the OW is over & done with.
You are not going to get that back because it didn't really exist.
He was out looking elsewhere when you thought things were okay.

Leave him alone & concentrate on your own life.

He is a part of your childs life as the father & that is the only reason you still see/hear about him at all.

no , what will happen if he cheats again ? you will be back to square one , i wouldnt take back a man that had cheated on me , hes ruined what it was you had . i honestly dont know why you need to lower yourself to this when you have done so well making progress on your own and hes just not worthy of you when he went and did this to his family . aside from anything else i dont reckon he deserves taking back !

No way jose

@WhereTheFuck you need to remember that this man is a liar. He must have lied to you continuously for months while the affair was going on. You really can’t trust anything he tells you. It’s quite likely that he has lied to the OW in some way and been found out which could be the real reason why he got dumped. You won’t be told the truth - because he always lies.

My advice is to accept that he might be a good father but he’s a really terrible husband and partner. Concentrate your mind towards divorcing him and look forward to a much brighter future by making your husband an ex husband.

I get where you're coming from completely. When my now XH split up with OW (after officially 4months, but I suspect a lot longer), within a fortnight he was asking me to reconsider. And yes, I did start thinking about it. I soon realised though that what I wanted was the person I had married (the man I thought he was)....not the person he became. So, I was in love with a ghost really. Someone who doesn't exist anymore.I still sometimes wish for the ghost, as I do still love the person I thought he was. But I'd stay single forever rather than put myself and my kids through the crap again. And for those who mentioned the anxiety/worry/misery/stress of wondering who he's talking to/whether you're being gaslighted etc....I def wouldn't want that.

It is sad, and such a waste. I really understand that. But I'm betting he hasn't made any attempt to even ask/beg/whatever to come back.Don't do it. Don't go there. Listen to the other PP. And be very glad that your baby daughter knows no different. My kids were 5 and 12. It was so hard. I now wish XH had pulled his stunt when my youngest was a baby. It would have spared me nearly 5yrs of him putting us through crap (long story) before he then pissed off with OW.

I've known of just one couple who survived infidelity. The one who cheated fessed up (to the other, and to family, friends, colleagues etc), but then worked really really fucking hard (and consistently and for a long time) to right things (including moving jobs and home, changing contact details etc etc), regain trust etc. In short, complete honesty, taking full responsibility, having accountability and realisation of what had happened etc, and to all who the person knew. Many years later, the couple are happy, and very strong together. But I remember that it was not an easy ride for either.

I wish you all the best! xx

you might feel happy for a couple of weeks as youd feel like youd won something and it would prove to you in your head that he had been wrong all along.

it would be a huge mistake though, as you would never have trust, and would be worrying about him doing it again constantly, and then of course, he WOULD do it again

Sorry to be harsh but, HE DOSEN'T WANT YOU, he proved this when he cheated and left you for the OW. You have done brilliantly trying to move on, do not let this man back into your life.

I have a pair of old shoes that were once really nice - expensive, nice style, leather - but they sag a bit at the heel now, and every time I put them on I'm annoyed they look so worn. I haven't thrown out as it would be "a waste", but it's not a pleasure wearing them any more.
If you did get back together, do you think you and your ex could offer your daughter more than disappointed, joyless parents?

Don't do it.

You, absolutely reasonably, have been getting on with your life and you've had dates and great sex with somebody else.

He will use that against you to make out that you're no better than he was in order to regain his power over you. And yes, to cheat again.

That is, IF he decided to come back - he might reject you (either before or after getting a shag or two out of you) because it'll make him feel better about himself when his nose is out of joint from being dumped by his mistress.

DON'T GIVE HIM THE POWER TO HURT YOU EVEN MORE.

What happens if you take him back and then the OW maybe changes her mind and wants him back again? Or he cheats with someone else? He's shown you he's a liar and a cheat and can't be trusted. He's not the guy you married. Don't be taken for a ride again OP

He doesn't deserve you at all. Slap yourself across the face and bring some sense to yourself.

You are doing well and don't need him how can you ever trust him after he did something like that and left you with a little one.

The relationship wasn't working otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to have an affair.

Please don't go back your child is not missing out as you have said you have a good arrangement. Your little one is getting older now imagine If he's let into your life fully again and he does it again it's likely to be quite upsetting for your child.

He didn't leave the ow and come running back to you begging forgiveness.
She has dumped him and he hasn't come running back.
Big girl pants on now!
Stay strong!
Focus on you and the love and respect you deserve.

Please tell us you haven’t done it?

I gave my husband a second chance after his affair, but only because he had no intention of leaving me at any point. I made it clear at the time that if he wanted to leave there would be no seeing how anything panned out, he would have made a choice and have to live by it, there would never under any circumstances be a coming back.
Don’t take him back, he made his choice, she dumped him, you’ll always wonder if he’d have ever come back if she hadn’t, and what happens if she even so much as looks sideways at him again?
You might want him back so much you think you can cope with these thoughts but you won’t. They’ll creep in and ruin everything even if he doesn’t creep out the back door again when she crooks her little finger.
You’re worth better.