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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's mistress has dumped him and now I want him back!

204 replies

WhereTheFuck · 28/08/2021 14:28

Argh I am in such a shitty situation. at the beginning of May my husband left me for a woman he had been having an affair with since before Christmas. We have a DD who was barely 18 months when he left. Since then I have done really well, haven't missed a day of work, been strong for DD and H and I were actually doing an ok job of co-parenting. I even met someone else on tinder in July and we have met a few times and had some great sex Blush It was starting to get easier and easier.

Today I have found out that my husband's OW has just dumped him and said she thinks they would be better as friends... and to be honest it has sent me right back to square one. I just feel like this whole situation is a terrible waste, especially for our little DD, and all I want to do is ask my husband to come back and give it another go.

Argh!! Please talk some sense into me Sad

OP posts:
PennyWus · 28/08/2021 15:43

Thing is, he didn't leave the OW because he regretted what happened and wanted desperately to beg your forgiveness and prove he is a reformed character and to win you back. The OW discarded him. He is the same man he was who cheated on you in 2020.

Sometimes I can see an argument for trying again, but absolutely nothing you have said so far suggests that this path would bring you happiness. Trying again for your DC is well-intentioned but not wise.

Eviethyme · 28/08/2021 15:44

He would only choose you until another choice comes along. He wouldn't go back to you because he loves you, he would go back for the ease of it.

Then when your feeling comfortable again you will be left again, not because of anything you've done but just because people like that never stop and it's never just 1 affair

CaMePlaitPas · 28/08/2021 15:46

He didn't prioritise you or your DD, he fucked off when things got difficult and you needed him most. You're in love with what you hoped he would be, not who he is. You deserve better, you deserve peace and you deserve great sex.

Calmdown14 · 28/08/2021 15:47

You can take him back but be under no illusions it will be the same. It can't be
You know what he did, you'll always be on your guard, always feeling resentful, constantly wondering if you did the right thing.
He's not worth that. Move on and build a relationship with someone new that won't always be tainted

Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 28/08/2021 15:49

Those of you who are saying I want the man I married back, not the man he is, are correct I think Sad also the person who said I just want to delete the last year and start again. It's so true and it is obviously impossible. It's just so sad though.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 28/08/2021 15:54

You’ve already been through the hard bit! If you got back together and next time he does it you’ll have to face that again. Better to keep going with your new life, you can do this!

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/08/2021 15:55

You don't actually want him back. What you want to get back is your lovely view of what family life would be when you got married. You've done all the practical things since he left because you've had to, but that dream hasn't gone away. You've just buried it because you had to. Now you feel like the door has opened to that dream again. But it hasn't, he's shown that he isn't the man you had in that vision. He's not the devoted husband and father that's in the fiction in your head. He's a cheat who puts his dick before his family.

Sorry OP, that dream is dead and he's the one who killed it. Move on as you have been doing, live the life you and DD deserve. And if HE tries to come back, remember that he's only doing it because the OW threw him out and he wants to come back to you running the house and providing him with food and sex because he's not getting it anywhere else. As soon as another woman offers him those things he'll be off again.

Please don't be his 'you'll do when there's no-one else'.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 15:58

Ah, op Sad. Stay strong.

1forAll74 · 28/08/2021 15:59

I would not want him back at all, leaving you with your baby and pursuing his own selfish pleasures. You didn't say if he wanted to come back, and also you have moved on a bit, and seemingly met someone yourself. Depending on your mindset now, it wont be easy to just get back with your Husband, and go back to how you wish things to be from now on. He must have cheated for a reason, and these things will always be on your mind.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 28/08/2021 16:04

It is sad, if you take him back you’re telling him what he did to you is ok. He’s a greasy slim ball that’s been god knows where and put you through hell. Don’t go back, always move onwards never back

secular39 · 28/08/2021 16:05

He left you for the mistress when your DD was 18 months. He didn't want you then.

The mistress has dumped your husband and I don't see that your husband is begging for you back. Which clearly shows that he still doesn't want you.

He didn't want you then. He doesn't want you now. Have self-respect and keep moving forwards- why go backwards? The trust has gone. If he gets back with you and meets someone else, he will dump you ASAP.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/08/2021 16:05

Are you sure you want him back. You'd moved on enough after 2 months to go dating on Tinder. It doesn't sound like you were heartbroken?

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 28/08/2021 16:08

ohh it IS sad and FWIW I am really sorry that you have been put in this situation. I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are but it is so important not to make a decision right now while your emotions are at full height.

IF you are to be together in the end then you will be and you can afford to give yourself time to make sure that your choices are the best for both you and your girl.

I cheated 4 yrs into my relationship. At the time OH and I were in a bit of a bad patch (in hindsight it was as much me as him)

It was great, the OM was great, it boosted my self esteem and I don't feel as badly about it as I probably morally should but it gave me perspective on a lot of things and actually 16 yrs down the line I have never ever been tempted again.... BUT I am not your OH and your situation is not what mine was so who knows.

Carboncheque · 28/08/2021 16:11

It’s horrible and sad and messy. It’s a loss of the relationship you thought you had and the future you believed you would have with him. It’s like losing your foundations. You will take time to recover. You have to build your confidence back up. When you rebuild, it’ll be based on knowing that you are much stronger than you thought you were and that you are capable of more than you ever thought.

Summerfriday · 28/08/2021 16:17

Personally it's your life and its up to you. Ive seen it many times and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesnt. Personally im an insecure person and once someone has made it clear they're into someone else over me i would call it quits so an affair is on next level. Is it worth working at? Was there something missing? Did he treat you well prior to affair? Did he compliment your life? Are you thinking about taking him back for the kids and not your thinking of yourself? No one here knows your situation and only you can decide but i wish you all the best Flowers

OldMamaOf3 · 28/08/2021 16:23

What advice would you give a friend in this scenario?

It'd probably be what everyone is saying

And do you really want you and your baby to be his stop gap until someone better comes along?

Because they will, sooner probably rather than later

Keep strong, dont let him get in your head, chin up and move forward and seriously don't give the odious little turd headspace.

Pendore · 28/08/2021 16:25

Omg OP don’t do it. Go out and have more great dates/ sex then settle down with a partner who deserves you.

TheWeatherWitch · 28/08/2021 16:26

Have some pride @WhereTheFuck, you were only ever second best. Good enough to cheat on, good enough to lie to, good enough to dump when he had a ‘better’ offer. But never good enough to be faithful to.

You know you can do better than this sad sack waster.

Or do you really want to spend the rest of your life thinking ‘where is he?’ every time he’s late or has to spend a night away from home?

doodleygirl · 28/08/2021 16:26

Just no, your self respect would never come back. It’s not the message you ever want to give to your DD.

You are an awesome, strong woman, never forget that.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 16:27

Op if it’s not her it will be someone else. Don’t do this to yourself. Can you really go through it again. Because you will.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/08/2021 16:30

Have some self respect and self-worth woman!

If it were your daughter and her husband (in years to come) going through this, would you advise her to take him back or kick him to the kerb?

I think both you and I know the answer to that one and if it is to kick him to the kerb, you have to lead by example!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/08/2021 16:32

Why tho?
Is it just because he's familiar and the father of your DD?
What if he comes back because it's easier, until he finds another bit on the side and fucks off again? Can you really put yourself through that again?
Could you ever actually relax and trust him again?

Look, I get it, been there (without the DC thrown into the mix) but I think you'd be making a mistake at this stage. You would actually be the "rebound" relationship if he came back now.

Stay friendly, do not have sex with him (blurring boundaries) and see how things go. If HE decides he's massively cocked things up and wants you back (and it does happen, I have at least 2 friends where this has happened) then he needs to pretty much grovel to you firstly, and you need to wait at least a few months, pref longer, for him to prove that he means he wants you and only you.

And even then you might decide it's not worth it.

Attiladahun · 28/08/2021 16:35

Im going to add to the chorus of don’t do it. You deserve so much better than someone who fucked off when your baby was 18 months. And so does your DD. It’s sad but the end of what you hoped your future together would be like is bound to be sad and it’s understandable to have second thoughts. As long as you don’t act on them that’s ok. Stay strong. You are doing so well.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 28/08/2021 16:37

Why would you want to be with someone who hurt you so badly?

Peach01 · 28/08/2021 16:42

It's not a waste OP. He knew exactly what he was doing when he got with the OW, continued to have a relationship with her behind your back and left you for her. He chose to leave his family home for another woman. He did all of this before your child even turned 2. He would still be with OW if she hadn't ended it. Going back and forth with someone capable of this will impact your DD.

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