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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's mistress has dumped him and now I want him back!

204 replies

WhereTheFuck · 28/08/2021 14:28

Argh I am in such a shitty situation. at the beginning of May my husband left me for a woman he had been having an affair with since before Christmas. We have a DD who was barely 18 months when he left. Since then I have done really well, haven't missed a day of work, been strong for DD and H and I were actually doing an ok job of co-parenting. I even met someone else on tinder in July and we have met a few times and had some great sex Blush It was starting to get easier and easier.

Today I have found out that my husband's OW has just dumped him and said she thinks they would be better as friends... and to be honest it has sent me right back to square one. I just feel like this whole situation is a terrible waste, especially for our little DD, and all I want to do is ask my husband to come back and give it another go.

Argh!! Please talk some sense into me Sad

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 28/08/2021 16:45

It's bad enough that he put you last, don't do it to yourself as well.

Dodeee · 28/08/2021 16:45

The problem you have is that you will be really appealing to him now. You are doing well and getting on with life. You are the mother of his child and he will probably see no issue with trying to get back with you.

However he will then cheat on you again, as if he can cheat on you when you have such a young child he will cheat again.

You have done the hard part it will be so much harder to do it again and your self esteem will be rock bottom!

Hold your head up high and keep walking forward. You can do this!

Redruby2020 · 28/08/2021 16:50

See it as a little blip and carry on. It's natural I think, to have these thoughts, but you've come too far to give him a second chance!

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 28/08/2021 16:51

Think of it as a grieving process. The person you thought you married has gone. You're already healing yourself and he's popped up like a troublesome ghost that you need to put to rest.
You also need to ask yourself if he really would be 'erasing the past year' if he hadn't been booted out by the OW.

KaycePollard · 28/08/2021 16:54

all I want to do is ask my husband to come back and give it another go

no, no, no, no, no , no

How could you ever trust him again?

CoronaPeroni · 28/08/2021 17:00

Why would you want a cheater back? That's giving him free rein to go and do it again! You will never trust him. You will always be thinking where is he, what have I done to upset him etc. He had his chance and blew it. Just carry on co-parenting.

1WayOrAnother2 · 28/08/2021 17:02

People who cheat are cheats!

If he did this to you once - he can do it again. (Don't think that it was all about the woman he left for this time.)

JinglingHellsBells · 28/08/2021 17:03

It's all moving very fast isn't it?

He moved out after knowing a woman for 6 months, now he's back after another 4 months, and you went online dating 2 months after he'd gone.

Some couples do start again. It depends if he is willing to address the issues, maybe go to counselling together and work hard at regaining your trust.

Begsy · 28/08/2021 17:03

Don't do it!, he's 'had his cake and eaten it' literally- don't be a rebound for his ego!

trumpisagit · 28/08/2021 17:05

Your marriage is broken. He chose to destroy it. You can't get it back.
If you try it will be a poor imitation, and fuck with your head.
Be strong.

SarahBellam · 28/08/2021 17:14

You’d be getting the OW’s sloppy seconds. You want someone who isn’t even good enough for the OW. She doesn’t want him, and you’re 10 times the woman she is. Why would you want him? He’s crap.

Italyanyday · 28/08/2021 17:29

Don't do it. Continue showing your daughter that resilience, inner strength and self-respect is the better way to go. And massive well done for coping as well as you have. X

hesadevilishlyhandsomedog · 28/08/2021 17:39

He left you. You are an amazing mum and even after he treated you so cruelly you have been an amazing example to your DD of how to live your life well and with your head held high. Don't compromise that now and take him back - EVER!

UmbrellaDrops · 28/08/2021 17:48

Hell to the almighty no should you take him back. You managed to move on please be the one that dodged his cheating bullet.

Lottle · 28/08/2021 17:50

What would you say to your best friend/sister/daughter when she is older, if they were in this position?

Flatdisco · 28/08/2021 17:51

Your daughter would not want you to compromise your happiness for the sake of having two parents who are together. You can do a perfectly great job of raising a child without being in a couple.

ShingleBeach · 28/08/2021 17:56

If he even agreed to come back, it would only be for you to lick his wounds for him while he is feeling sorry for himself for being dumped.

He isn’t a decently behaved man. If he had been unhappy in the marriage, the decent thing would to have been honest. Not betray you and lie to you, and at a vulnerable period with a new baby.

Had he fallen for a ‘great love’ the decent thing would have been to not progress anything with the OW until he had done right by his marriage / you.

Instead, he slunk off for an affair, left you and his darling Dd, and would still, presumably, be with OW had she not dumped him.

You said it yourself: you are doing well.

Onwards and upwards, with him in your rear view mirror.

Lolabray · 28/08/2021 20:20

He was your first then now you’ll be his sloppy seconds, come on girl have some self respect. Why run back into the arms of someone who has hurt you? That is not love.

EverybodyIsInteresting · 28/08/2021 20:35

Will people please stop speaking about 'sloppy seconds'. What a disgusting way to speak about a human being just because there have been previous/other relationships.

Foxmylife · 28/08/2021 20:37

You are doing so well, why go backwards? She dumped him, does he even want to get back together? He will do it again.

PearlyBird · 28/08/2021 20:39

Sad to read this.

You just haven't got used to being single yet.

Somebody once said to me that every new relationship is a new contract and while he might not necessarily cheat in his NEXT relationship, if you take him back (and worse, go back to him beinng the one to initiate getting back together) then you've written those terms and conditions in; that he can cheat on you and you'll STILL take him back.

GarnetsandRubies · 28/08/2021 20:42

You will get hurt again. No doubt about it.

Tiredofbs123 · 28/08/2021 20:47

Plenty of people reconcile after cheating and if both parties are fully invested and the cheat does the necessary work, a marriage can be rebuilt. It’s a shame that this thread demonstrates just how much a betrayed has to deal with from the point of view of being shamed by others if they choose to reconcile, after dealing with the hell of an affair. But I digress…

Sadly OP, I don’t believe your husband is reconciliation material. He hasn’t even broached the idea with you and is probably way to busy feeling sorry for himself right now. He may do in the future and my advice would be to find out all you can about what remorse looks like, if you’re at all tempted. Plenty of great resources out there to folding deep into, IF you feel that he is coming from the right place and you feel it would make you happiest.

But right now, you have nothing to work with so proceed in separating your life from his.

Paint69 · 28/08/2021 22:33

Do not get back with him! He would still be with this OW if she hadn't called it a day. Respect yourself more. You deserve true happiness and are not second best. The last thing your daughter needs is a male role model who cheats on her mother. Be the best co parents.

Baws · 29/08/2021 19:55

Absolutely do not even entertain the idea. Also do not listen to the ‘people can get past cheating’ brigade, that’s bollocks! Firstly, unless he’s a complete twat he would clearly have thought long and hard and wrestled with guilt over leaving his young DC. He still decided that the OW and sacrificing his family was worth it which shows his regard for you. I would still say not to take him back if he had confessed to an affair but has actually left and is only not with the OW because she dumped him. You are worth more than this! If you take him back you will always be looking over your shoulder, worrying when he’s out. I took my ex back (he hadn’t actually left though) but living with that level of suspicion is no life. You deserve better!

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