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Original poster

Husband's mistress has dumped him and now I want him back!

204 replies

WhereTheFuck · 28/08/2021 14:28

Argh I am in such a shitty situation. at the beginning of May my husband left me for a woman he had been having an affair with since before Christmas. We have a DD who was barely 18 months when he left. Since then I have done really well, haven't missed a day of work, been strong for DD and H and I were actually doing an ok job of co-parenting. I even met someone else on tinder in July and we have met a few times and had some great sex Blush It was starting to get easier and easier.

Today I have found out that my husband's OW has just dumped him and said she thinks they would be better as friends... and to be honest it has sent me right back to square one. I just feel like this whole situation is a terrible waste, especially for our little DD, and all I want to do is ask my husband to come back and give it another go.

Argh!! Please talk some sense into me Sad

OP posts:
diddl · 28/08/2021 15:12

I can get why you feel as you do.

But he's not who he was before b´he cheated-in fact he's not who you thought at all because he did cheat.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/08/2021 15:13

You are not someone's back up option. The marriage you had has gone. You can't go back to how it was - that time has gone. You will always have the knowledge that he can do this and the chances are that he will do it again.

Mumoblue · 28/08/2021 15:16

Just think about how much worse it would be if you got back together and then had to break up all over again when your kid is old enough to understand.

That’s what stopped me from giving my ex another chance, though I’m so glad I didn’t! I’d rather lick a dead seal than go near my ex these days.
Stay strong. You don’t need a cheater crawling back to you. He wasn’t faithful before, he wouldn’t be again.

HPLikecraft · 28/08/2021 15:16

Even if you think you can forgive him (I bloody wouldn’t!) could you ever trust him again? Could you have a happy ever after without trust?

frazzledasarock · 28/08/2021 15:16

What you want is the husband you thought you had, before the cheating was discovered and definitely before he walked out on you and your newborn for another woman.

Be honest with yourself, you take him back you won’t be suspicious every time he’s late from work, or has work thing or he mentions the OW’s name, or if he get messages on his phone?

You’re going to be on edge constantly and underneath there will also be the anger and hurt and feelings of betrayal that he left you and is only with you as OW doesn’t want him.

Do you honestly think you’ll be able to live with a man who had an affair and left you and his newborn child for a shag?

You’ll end up hating him and beating yourself up that you ‘can’t let go’ of the past.

That’s if he chooses to go back to you. What if you ask him and he doesn’t want to?

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/08/2021 15:17

I know women who’ve tried this but the dhs carried on cheating & eventually both left for women 20 years older than the wives with houses paid off. A third left after he got the ow pg leaving the wife with teenagers.

Babdoc · 28/08/2021 15:20

OP, there are three important things that have gone missing somewhere in your head.
Please find your pride, your anger and your self respect. Dust them off and activate. They are a very useful trio for handling situations like this.

furbabymama87 · 28/08/2021 15:21

Don't do it. The same thing has happened to a friend of mine and twice she's taken him back and twice he's gone back to the other woman, leaving her feeling even worse than before. I understand she will be feeling torn as she's got kids with the man and he's took the stuffing out of her, but to be honest I'm finding it hard not to lose respect for her. She'll do anything to keep him, and he's just nothing.

SunshineCake · 28/08/2021 15:21

It doesn't have to be the end. If he has shown remorse, addresses why he cheated and you feel you can be a stronger person then give it a go.

One never hears from wives who've said they'd leave immediately, would never take him back, he'll cheat again etc, what they did when their husbands cheated.

Sometimes second time around it can work. Make your decision on what is best for you and not on the basis of strangers telling you, somewhat rudely in some cases, what they think you should do.

EverybodyIsInteresting · 28/08/2021 15:22

The thing is, you don't want the man he actually is back - you want the man you thought he was. The man you thought you married wouldn't have done this. The man you actually married has cheated on you, and chances are he would again.

Colourmeclear · 28/08/2021 15:22

Taking him back won't heal your pain, it will only prolong it.

LadyLolaRuben · 28/08/2021 15:23

History will repeat itself. Dont put your daughter through a second separation. Dont look back move forward x

Floralnomad · 28/08/2021 15:24

If you do have him back the message he gets is it’s ok for me to have affairs because my she will always take me back . You sound like you are doing just great without him .

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 28/08/2021 15:25

I know someone who had an affair when they had a small baby, then came back to give things a 2nd go. He had another affair a few months later. Classic script. Don't do it.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 28/08/2021 15:25

Oh, I watched my Mother do this - my dad left and came back, left and came back, left and came back, over and over - She's still waiting for him to come back this last time - 40 years later.

Don't waste your life always standing ready to take back some selfish man.

frazzledasarock · 28/08/2021 15:26

@SunshineCake

It doesn't have to be the end. If he has shown remorse, addresses why he cheated and you feel you can be a stronger person then give it a go.

One never hears from wives who've said they'd leave immediately, would never take him back, he'll cheat again etc, what they did when their husbands cheated.

Sometimes second time around it can work. Make your decision on what is best for you and not on the basis of strangers telling you, somewhat rudely in some cases, what they think you should do.

Ex cheated on me. I got divorced.

He actually wanted to come back part the way through the divorce and tried to stop the divorce writing in response to my petition that it was a personal matter and he didn’t want to get divorced.

I still got my divorce.

I’m remarried now and very happy.

Ex still spends a lot of time and energy trying to find out what I'm doing who I'm with etc.

Best decision I made getting divorced.

YouJustDoYou · 28/08/2021 15:33

Op- just don't. You are doing magnificently on your own - don't trash that it for an unreliable male. You need to show a great example for your dd, which you are ALREADY doing - living and working and supporting you both, nice co parenting etc - don't invite poison and suspicion into your life again, for her sake. She sees him, she has a relationship with him, you don't NEED to live with someone and be with someone to have that.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 28/08/2021 15:35

Don’t do it, please just don’t.
He’s shown you who he is, he’s a cheat. He thought nothing about walking out on you with 2 young DC.
If you were to ask him back, he’d prob come back but it would only be a matter of time till he did it again. Do you want to spend every minute wondering when that day will be, wondering if he’s late home is he with someone else.
Most Importantly don’t let him come back into your DC lives only to walk out again in a year or 2. That would be very unfair on them.
You said you were doing great and has started to get your life back, carry on with that.
You will never ever find your happy ending with this man, who threw you away when something better ( in his eyes ) came along.

Wombat96 · 28/08/2021 15:36

Sloppy seconds, eurgh....

Wombat96 · 28/08/2021 15:37

Plus he went hunting for novelty, that will always be the case. He won't change and you can't be novel forever.

Carboncheque · 28/08/2021 15:38

You’ve had a rollercoaster of a time. A new baby, then him springing on you that he’s been having a 5 month + affair and is leaving you and your 18 month old child, then the affair ending 3 months later. All that upheaval. I can understand that you just want to wish away everything that’s happened in the past year and have things back how they were before your life blew up.

You can’t undo what he’s done. When you thought things were ok, he was cheating. You can’t rebuild the trust he broke when the only reason that he is single is because she ended it.

Some relationships can recover after affairs but not without an awful lot of will and work from both people. He’s actually left you and is only single now because she chose to dump him. Before you ever get to whether you could ever trust him again you’d need him to actually want to be in a relationship with you again. Not for your DD or for a place to stay or for the convenience of it. He’d have to really, desperately want to come back to you and be prepared to go to counselling and work at the relationship. Then would be the time to think about whether you might take him back.

As someone’s said, you deserve to be someone’s first choice. You and your DD definitely don’t need him moving back only to leave again when he changes his mind.

Ourlady · 28/08/2021 15:39

What! Take him back and then just be worrying and waiting till he does it again.

The bastard was happy to dump you with your baby and ride of into the pretend sunset with his lover.

He will do it again. Don't give him that chance!

Tubs11 · 28/08/2021 15:40

You'll be glad you didn't take him back when you go on to meet the love of your life and he's left there with his head in his hands wondering why he threw it all away. Stay strong!

Blossomtoes · 28/08/2021 15:40

I did this. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Please don’t even think about it. You’re doing so well.

toolazytothinkofausername · 28/08/2021 15:40

He had a choice between you and someone else. He chose someone else. He didn't you to be with you. Remember how his choice hurt you. Do you really want to get back with someone that is okay with hurting you?

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