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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's mistress has dumped him and now I want him back!

204 replies

WhereTheFuck · 28/08/2021 14:28

Argh I am in such a shitty situation. at the beginning of May my husband left me for a woman he had been having an affair with since before Christmas. We have a DD who was barely 18 months when he left. Since then I have done really well, haven't missed a day of work, been strong for DD and H and I were actually doing an ok job of co-parenting. I even met someone else on tinder in July and we have met a few times and had some great sex Blush It was starting to get easier and easier.

Today I have found out that my husband's OW has just dumped him and said she thinks they would be better as friends... and to be honest it has sent me right back to square one. I just feel like this whole situation is a terrible waste, especially for our little DD, and all I want to do is ask my husband to come back and give it another go.

Argh!! Please talk some sense into me Sad

OP posts:
Borderterrierpuppy · 26/09/2021 06:40

Don’t do it
He will do it again
He cheated on you when you had a tiny baby
He is a waste of time

If you take him back he will do it again and you and your daughter will have to go through it all again, she will be more hurt as she will be older.

mathanxiety · 26/09/2021 06:46

Not only will he cheat again, he will use the fact that you found someone else and had sex against you. He's probably on Tinder.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 26/09/2021 06:49

Sorry OP, I have to agree with everyone on this, that it's a very bad idea to have him back and it's very unlikely to be happy ever after.

When I was young someone I loved dumped me for someone else and I was devastated. Took me months to get over it, but I did. They broke up and, almost a year later, we got back together. It was wonderful, like a dream come true...but only for a few weeks. After that brief honeymoon period all my hurt started coming out, which he couldn't handle, he didn't want to discuss it, and the relationship was never the same. After a few months he stood me up then ghosted me!

Now I would not even consider getting back with anyone unless the reasons for the dumping were thrashed out and rectified, preferably with counselling. Otherwise what's to stop the same happening again, only this time the pain comes with a side order of regret.

Ricekrispie22 · 26/09/2021 06:51

You’re not doing your DD any favours by getting back with him. Because if it happens again, she’ll be older and more aware of what’s going on. She’ll be more hurt by mummy and daddy splitting up, and you don’t want her to think that it’s ok for shit like that to happen. By all means, stay civil with him for her sake, but don’t get back together.

saleorbouy · 26/09/2021 07:28

He left to be with someone else when you and your DD needed him most.
If you can successfully co parent then stick with this as it will allow your daughter to have a good relationship with two happy parents and also for you to build a relationship again with a partner you can trust.
A leopard never changes its spots so if you go back he'll cheat on you again!

Azerothi · 26/09/2021 07:33

He wanted to leave your tiny baby. What makes you think he would want to live with your baby again?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/09/2021 07:34

You're not stupid op , these are natural feelings and part of the process. Recognise this as a blip and do whatever you need to do to stay strong. Look forwards not back, you can do it !

Abetes · 26/09/2021 08:17

He's done it once, he'll do it again.

LakieLady · 26/09/2021 08:33

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Oh, I watched my Mother do this - my dad left and came back, left and came back, left and came back, over and over - She's still waiting for him to come back this last time - 40 years later.

Don't waste your life always standing ready to take back some selfish man.

I was thinking of someone I know who went through exactly the same, @BringOnTheOtherWorlders.

Eventually, he left and didn't come back, and married the OW, leaving his first family in much reduced circumstances. The first wife is now in her early 90s, and still gets upset about it, even though it was over 50 years ago.

And the bastard (who was worth a few mill) cut the two children from his first marriage out of his will, so it all goes to the 2nd wife and child of the 2nd marriage!

starfishmummy · 26/09/2021 08:37

It's up to you.

It can work. I know a couple who split and divorced due to his affair. A couple of years later they got back together, have since remarried and have been very happy for over a decade.

ManifestingJoy · 26/09/2021 08:42

I get that it all seems such a waste, like all of the hurt was for NOTHING.

But do not be the one to comfort him through that pain. Don't be his counsellor and do not be his second choice back up option.

You will be OK, you were ok!

xxx

ManifestingJoy · 26/09/2021 08:44

@mathanxiety

Not only will he cheat again, he will use the fact that you found someone else and had sex against you. He's probably on Tinder.
Yes, it's not the same at all because he had already made the decision to leave but I bet in his head, he would rationalise it that you did ''the same'' when you absolutely did not.
dworky · 26/09/2021 08:45

Resist, you need to give yourself more time in order to make a rational decision.
Do not even consider having him back unless you are happy to be cheated on again.

Branleuse · 26/09/2021 08:45

Being tempted and fantasising about happy endings is normal and it passes. It doesnt mean its a sign from the gods or that its a goid idea.
Theres huge reasons you split. Carry on concentrating on healing and moving on. This is just a wobble. He isnt trustworthy

DumplingsAndStew · 26/09/2021 08:47

I think this is compounded by the fact she ended the relationship, not him. He didn't end it, he wanted to stay with her. You are wondering why he was willing to give her what he wasn't able or willing to give you and your daughter.

It's okay to feel like this. But it's a feeling of grief, and probably anger, not love or regret.

Many years ago, less than a year after splitting up from my ex husband, I found out he was seeing someone. I literally begged him to come back to us. I was on the phone, crying snotty tears, pleading with him to give us another chance. I was doing the "pick me dance". As soon as I got it out of my system I shook myself down and thought What the fuck did I do that for? I didn't want him (I had actually been the one to end our marriage), I just wanted him to give us what he was offering to her.

If he'd come back, it wouldn't have lasted. He was the same person he was when he left, not when we met. Your husband isn't the man you fell in love with, he's the man who left you for another woman when you had a young child together. He isn't a good man, and you would never be able to trust him.

It's totally natural how you are feeling, but it's not love.

PerseverancePays · 26/09/2021 09:01

When you married him you didn’t know that he was a man that thought cheating was acceptable.
Now you know.
If you take him back he’ll think you think it’s acceptable too.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 26/09/2021 09:02

He doesn't love you and he'll cheat again. Why do you think you deserve nothing more than a cheater and a liar? What would you say to your dd if she was treated like that by her future partner?

Burntfingerz · 26/09/2021 09:08

Get some self worth.

Don't be second best to nobody.

Not ever.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 26/09/2021 09:15

Oh my goodness, don't go backwards on this.

He hasn't dumped the OW and asked for a do over. She dumped him and you're considering volunteering to pick up her leftovers 🤦🏼‍♀️

Imagine your precious DD in your shoes. Would you want her doing this?

Peachee · 26/09/2021 09:23

How did you find this out? I suspect if he has casually dropped into conversation or has told someone who was bound to give you the info he’s trying to weed his way back in. Sounds slimey and I think you need to show yourself the self respect you deserve and a good role model to your daughter that having people who treat you like shit back are toxic and do not deserve to have you in the first place..

Peachee · 26/09/2021 09:24

Sorry for shit grammar.. hope you get the jist.. you defo deserve better..

Botanica · 26/09/2021 09:29

Fast forward twenty years.
Imagine this was your daughter asking you for advice. Would you encourage her to settle for being a standby option, second best choice, allowing someone to walk all over her?
Of course not. Continue to show her what true strength and resilience looks like. Remind yourself that are thriving without him.

Mistymoors · 26/09/2021 09:32

Don’t take him back, he will probably return to the other woman if she asks him!

MarshmallowSwede · 26/09/2021 09:34

Wow your husband must feel like an idiot. Ruined his marriage and family only to be dumped. He totally blew up his life for a bit action on the side and got dumped.. What a loser.

You don’t want to be with a loser. You want a winner.

Imagine the humiliation and embarrassment for him! He has to explain to everyone - family and friends how his little fantasy ended with him being dumped on his ass. How he left his baby and wife high and dry, went off to go play fantasy island with his side piece and she dumped his ass like a hot potato. You don’t want to be standing next to him with his red face and sputtering when he explains what he did to you and your daughter. He is a selfish asshole and doesn’t deserve a wife and child.

Like I said.. he’s a pathetic loser. You can walk out of this looking like a saint. I would ride that self righteous wave until I died.

dottiedodah · 26/09/2021 09:38

Just imagine in your head he comes back to you. What it would be like ,no trust whatsoever ,a nice new man you met discarded .DD not sure what is happening .A year or so along the line same happening? In your head you have an unhelpful image of "living happily again" Not going to happen is it! You have done so well so far ,please dont throw it all away.

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