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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
romdowa · 27/08/2021 14:48

Personally I'd take it with a pinch of salt but I would also be on the alert and be ready to bail at the first sign of red flags.

frogswimming · 27/08/2021 14:49

I would proceed with caution. Sounds an acrimonious separation. They both blame each other, but you have no way of knowing what is true and what is not. Probably both to blame on some way. But he's been ok with you so far. So see how it goes. If some red flags appear dump him then.

AnaViaSalamanca · 27/08/2021 14:51

Separated but not divorced? I wouldn’t listen to her advice as such, but I would walk away all the same as it looks quite messy.

FindingMeno · 27/08/2021 14:51

Not sure what I would make of this.
It would probably mean I would be careful to watch out for any clues of being manipulated, but would also be aware it could be based on jealousy or revenge.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:57

@AnaViaSalamanca

Separated but not divorced? I wouldn’t listen to her advice as such, but I would walk away all the same as it looks quite messy.
Sorry, I meant separated as in divorced!
OP posts:
SpacePotato · 27/08/2021 14:57

So he's 15-20 years older than you with baggage.

Honestly? I wouldn't bother with the grief at your age.

LittleBiscuit09 · 27/08/2021 15:00

Proceed with caution.

How does he talk of the relationship issues? Does he take responsibility or is it all her fault

RosiePosieDozy · 27/08/2021 15:03

If you really like him, you could continue seeing him but be wary of anything that doesn't seem right.

Tbh, I think I wouldn't bother and would end it. Depends how much you like him.

FleasInMyKnees · 27/08/2021 15:06

They sound like they blame each other, how did she get your number and how are you looking her up on social media.

dworky · 27/08/2021 15:06

I think you should always listen to a woman's warning about a man.
Forewarned is forearmed & if it does turn out to be untrue then you've lost nothing.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:07

@LittleBiscuit09

Proceed with caution.

How does he talk of the relationship issues? Does he take responsibility or is it all her fault

He has admitted that he wasn’t perfect but hasn’t really gone into detail about what that means.
OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 27/08/2021 15:08

@SpacePotato

So he's 15-20 years older than you with baggage.

Honestly? I wouldn't bother with the grief at your age.

This!
StarryNight468 · 27/08/2021 15:09

Do clares law. That's a completely valid reason to do it and the police are really helpful around it. Just ring 111 and they'll take your details and someone from your local police station will get back to you.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:09

@FleasInMyKnees

They sound like they blame each other, how did she get your number and how are you looking her up on social media.
She messaged me via social media as she’s seen me commenting on some of his pics etc.
OP posts:
StarryNight468 · 27/08/2021 15:10

And I'd be asking him what he's learnt from the relationship and where he went wrong. You'll be able to see if he puts it all on her by calling her the narc or if he can reflect and see where his actions may have caused conflict and stress.

Livedandlearned · 27/08/2021 15:12

I wish I had warned the girlfriends of my ex, but I didn't think they would believe me.

It sounds messy and it won't get any better soon OP

ProudAlly · 27/08/2021 15:14

Why hasn't he blocked her on social media? Why is he continuing to engage with her by letting her see his photos and letting her see you comment on them? That's a huge red flag to me after an acrimonious break up. There's unfinished business and if I were you I'd keep well away from the pair of them

FleasInMyKnees · 27/08/2021 15:14

Are they pictures he has taken while he has been with you, how does she know you are his gf. I always distance myself from exes and their new partners and never bother to talk about them, unless there are children involved who you see.

RantyAunty · 27/08/2021 15:14

I wouldn't continue. He's too old and comes with a bad reference.
The surest way to test is to be disagreeable about something and tell him no a few times. Cancel a date. Don't answer a text or phone call for awhile.

Journeyofthedragons · 27/08/2021 15:15

I think you should always listen to a woman's warning about a man

This.

What did he do to drive her to act this way?

peachgreen · 27/08/2021 15:15

I briefly dated a guy like this and immediately bailed. He set my spidey-senses tingling with his talk of his narc ex etc etc. I was right - it later emerged that he was under investigation for domestic abuse. I would be very careful.

forumdonkey · 27/08/2021 15:16

So many times I have seen posts from women wanting to genuinely warn their abusive exs new partner. With this in mind, I would proceed with caution and look out for red flags and be prepared to leave if something isn't right.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:18

@StarryNight468

And I'd be asking him what he's learnt from the relationship and where he went wrong. You'll be able to see if he puts it all on her by calling her the narc or if he can reflect and see where his actions may have caused conflict and stress.
I think this is how I’ll scope it out.
OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 27/08/2021 15:22

What is the age gap op? abusive men often go after younger women.

I can’t imagine a nearly 40 year old wanting to be with someone in their mid 20s tbh.

knittingaddict · 27/08/2021 15:22

I know someone who would love to warn the new partner about her ex's behaviour. It was reported to the police and went to CPS. She won't because chances her he's painted her as the crazy ex, lied about everything and it will dredge up a load of history and drama.

Personally I would be more on the side of believing her and be extremely careful about how you proceed.