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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 27/08/2021 17:23

If she is right, then you don’t want to be I a relationship with this man.

If she is being a nasty ex, then you don’t want to be attached to someone with this kind of baggage.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 17:26

@WhoIsPepeSilva
Yes fair but he didn’t ask me to meet them, it was more a general chat about the future and if that was something I was open to.
I have disagreed and cancelled many times and haven’t faced any consequences (yet!)
Most of my friends have public accounts, just never really thought about making it private

OP posts:
Justgettingbye · 27/08/2021 17:28

Honestly why bother? The age gap is worrying.

I've been there when I was 18 I got talking to someone from work in their 30s. I got similar messages saying he was a bit of a loner, had a child from previous, dead beat dad that had no intention of seeing his child. "Jokes" about him being a cradle snatcher. Of course I listened to none of it and then one day I woke up and realised they were right. I believe they were genuinely concerned because I was young and impressionable.

You can do better. It's messy regardless of the specifics. Don't get bogged down it's still the honeymoon period.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 17:29

@HairyMaryMyCanary
I’m glad you know I’m full of myself from one post :) that’s some crazy intuition.

OP posts:
Maassi · 27/08/2021 17:29

You are in the bloom of your youth. Value that.

Why waste it on a man like this?!

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 17:30

@Lostmyway86

I joined this drama at 28...I'm now 34 and so so so so wish I'd run when I had the chance. I do love my DH but by god has the baggage, drama, toxiness etc etc worn me down....
Yes I can only imagine how draining it must be!
OP posts:
ErinAoife · 27/08/2021 17:39

Be careful, I know if I had the courage I will contact the new partner of my ex husband to tell her to be careful as he is not what he portrait to be, he is very shallow and selfish and very good at make you think that you are worthless and that everything is your fault. She has three young kids and the day they will decide to live together she will have the shock of her life but I won't as she will think I do it out of spite. His previous partner is feeling the same than me about hin she has posted a lot about him on social media about his anger burst and having two personalities. A lot of what she has posted was how he was with me so I know she is telling the truth. Be careful

LaBellina · 27/08/2021 17:39

I agree with others here who say be careful.
Ofcourse there are some genuinely spiteful women out there but in most cases, I think, if a woman reaches out to warn the new girlfriend of her ex, she has a good reason for it. It’s also a bit suspicious that he has told you that she is accusing him of being a narc, like he was anticipating on you finding some stuff out about his previous relationship. I would proceed with great caution if at all and leave at any signs of red flags. My ex was very abusive (I was also in my early 20s when we met, he was 10 years older than me) and his full abusive side didn’t come out until the first week that we had started living together. Looking back there were some signs when we were dating and one of his exes warned me abort his character, I might have taken those signs more seriously and walked away. The idea of using Clare’s Law to get possibly more information on him is an excellent idea.

Millymog · 27/08/2021 17:39

"He’s quite busy with work so leaves me to do my own thing.
I’ve cancelled dates many times due to work, being sick etc and he’s always gracious about it."

urrrgghh.

Maybe i am reading too much into this but please do not confuse the "he is so easy going" "he never tries to control what I wear"
"he is very busy with work" - with "and therefore he is a great guy.

if he is manipulative, being very busy with work and being "gracious" about a date being cancelled can very quickly become out and out neglect of you especially if you get pregnant and have a baby.

i guess it depends what you want. if you just want a fun time, a man who appears very laid back and easy going, and who does not express an opinion (in a supportive way) of things about you can just as easily turn out to be manipulative in a neglectful way (i.e. you are trapped in a relationship with him which you feel you cannot get out of for whatever reason (especially if you have a child with him) but he gives you nothing, knowing that it is very unlikely you will or even can leave (easily that is).

Look at it from his perspective - it is a massive ego trip for him having such a young girlfriend - it is the cliche for him and no doubt (even if he does not admit it to you or anyone) is a huge ego trip for him to have you as his girlfriend.
Can I ask a question? What is it that you really like about him? Is it because you perceive him as experienced? Wealthy? (he works a lot) A "family" man (i.e someone who has had kids and knows what it is like).
If I have got it all wrong and you both genuinely share mutual passtimes, like the same things, he asks about you/cares about you genuinely (not just "looks after" you i.e. provides material things you dont (yet) have or does things to help you which you otherwise cannot do for yourself. Those things are not love, they are must more the mercenary side of a relationship transaction.

I could be very wrong here (I hope I am ) but ask yourself honestly what you think he wants out of this relationship because I think the status and the kudos and the ego massage he gets from being with a much younger women will be one of the main motivators for him. take care.

ErinAoife · 27/08/2021 17:45

One more thing regarding social media, my ex used to be all private but now is public since he is with his new girlfriend to piss off his ex girlfriend.

MarshmallowSwede · 27/08/2021 17:48

Why don’t you want to date a man in his 20s with no children and no ex wife? Do you want to be a step mother? Just keep in mind that a man’s children come with him. So it’s a package deal. You could be out dating a man your age without having to hear about him arranging child care and complain about his ex wife. Just something to keep in mind.

This is a lot of baggage for a young woman.

And yes I would pay attention in case there are any red flags.

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 17:49

[quote Owlberry]@CampaignToo
Sure but he can’t control what she chooses to post, if that’s what you mean?[/quote]
He can control whether she's able to post on his pages though. Why doesn't he?

BeachDrifting · 27/08/2021 17:50

Christ. Why would you date someone that old with kids with ex issues. Why? Don’t you want better for yourself? Don’t you want “firsts”?!! He’s done all the firsts. First baby. First marriage. First house. He’s done it all. Why wouldn’t you want all that excitement with someone who isn’t jaded and got weird stuff in his background. This is just too weird. You’re wasting your youth.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 17:50

@LaBellina
Yes I agree that him saying she’s accused him of being a narc is a little suspicious and I think one of the reasons why I even considered listening to her.

I’m not sure if we have Clares law in Aus. I’ve never heard of it but will look into it!

OP posts:
litterbird · 27/08/2021 17:53

An ex warned me about my previous boyfriend. I chose to ignore it at first then decided to have him checked out on Clares Law. The police got me in. I immediately blocked him after the police showed me the report. I have never seen him since that day as all the boundaries went up as quickly as possible.

ItsSunnyOutside · 27/08/2021 17:53

I would be wary for any signs but she could also be trying to stir things up between you both if she's not over him.

drpet49 · 27/08/2021 17:55

* I would proceed with caution. Sounds an acrimonious separation. They both blame each other, but you have no way of knowing what is true and what is not. Probably both to blame on some way. But he's been ok with you so far. So see how it goes. If some red flags appear dump him then.*

^This

GotBeatenUp · 27/08/2021 17:55

Do you want to be a step mother? Just keep in mind that a man’s children come with him. So it’s a package deal.

And the children have a mother, who will always be part of their life.

BeachDrifting · 27/08/2021 17:56

It really doesn’t matter what the ex motivations are. The real issue is that at your age you should be finding your person not dating somebody else’s. You’re young and got the whole world at your feet. He isn’t. Don’t let him suck your opportunities away. How did you even meet someone this old?

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 17:59

@CampaignToo
Aah! No, she posts on her own accounts not his.

OP posts:
StarryNight468 · 27/08/2021 18:00

@Owlberry my dh has a 'crazy' ex. What I neglected to see through my rose tinted specs was how he made her crazy! Being a step parent is the worst thing I've ever done in my life and I'd really urge you to run for the hills.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 18:00

@BeachDrifting
Different strokes I guess! Not bothered about firsts.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 27/08/2021 18:01

[quote Owlberry]@LaBellina
Yes I agree that him saying she’s accused him of being a narc is a little suspicious and I think one of the reasons why I even considered listening to her.

I’m not sure if we have Clares law in Aus. I’ve never heard of it but will look into it![/quote]
I think Clare’s Law only applies for the UK but might be worth to look into if there’s something similar in Australia.
But even if his name is not in any police reports it doesn’t mean that he isn’t an abuser. I have never reported my ex to the police for domestic violence but he’s an abuser nonetheless. Just be really careful, keep your eyes open and listen to your intuition.

TheWholeWorld · 27/08/2021 18:03

Nah. This is either drama (bitter, interfering ex with children so she will be in your life forever) or he is genuinely a bad sort.

I'd be throwing this one back OP.

Millymog · 27/08/2021 18:05

"I would be wary for any signs but she could also be trying to stir things up between you both if she's not over him."

Highly unlikely. The ex wife is (according to OP) a single mum of a 6 and 7 year old with an ex husband who left her with these two very small children. No sane woman would take a man like that back would they? Assuming the man left (which it sounds like) then the ex wife will forever have an ex husband who walked out - you don't pine for that kind of person to come back - well not if you are in any way sane.