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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 27/08/2021 15:51

Controlling and manipulating people (of any gender) target younger people because they are easier to manipulate. I would be wary. If everything is good so far then I would just keep an eye out like others have said, and really do pay attention for worrying signs. Definitely try and stay out of their relationship/their kids lives for as long as you can - not a mess you need to be involved in

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 27/08/2021 15:53

I warned my XH's new partner as I have suffered a violent, mentally and physically abusive relationship with him. She screamed and shouted at me. Years later she told me how much she wished she had listened to me as her life had been hell too. You may not want to believe the ex, but I would keep in mind her warning.

RandomMess · 27/08/2021 15:54

Your 25 he has issues with the ex and children.

Life is too short!

Ragwort · 27/08/2021 15:55

Suggest you have a good read of the many step parenting threads on this forum.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:55

@Millymog

"They have children"

ah, noted.
Although the communication should probably be direct (eg email etc) not some kind of baiting on social media if that is what it is.

How old are the children, have you met them and are you ready to be a step parent if that is where it ends up?

As far as I know they don’t communicate via social media, it’s usually through text.

They are 6&7, we’ve briefly discussed it but I said I’m not quite ready yet and we agreed to revisit it in a couple months.

OP posts:
Farwest · 27/08/2021 15:56

They have dc? Hell no, OP. That will not be fun to watch play out.

Sidehustle99 · 27/08/2021 15:57

FleasInMyKnees
Are they pictures he has taken while he has been with you, how does she know you are his gf. I always distance myself from exes and their new partners and never bother to talk about them, unless there are children involved who you see.
Yes pictures we’ve taken together, tags me in date ideas etc. They also have mutual friends who have probably told her

This is a red flag. He's rubbing her nose in it

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2021 15:58

Run for the hills.

Whether he is one or not, he has far too much baggage.

JuneOsborne · 27/08/2021 15:59

Untangle yourself. This is only going to get messier, whichever way you look at her getting in touch and warning you.

This will suck years of your life away. You're young. You don't need this.

Millymog · 27/08/2021 16:01

well i am not saying our situations are similar - i could not possibly know.

all i know is that my ex husbands new wife puts up with all manner of shit from my ex husband (bullying, trantrums, financially tight, pity parties etc) which he also did to me (and I am genuinely relieved I am no longer with him).

i kind of feel sorry for her, although i have never had any contact with her and i only know this from comments my kids make when they come home from his.

the irony was (she was late 20s and he was just turned 40 when he left me for her) i think the main thing which attracted her to him was the "i'm so experienced / rich /can protect you /give you what you want" thing i am sure he told her at the start. Really she wanted a baby (she has got one now) but i do not envy her being a step mum to my two kids (age 11 and 12) as well as being a mum to her own 2 year old, especially as totally predictably he has left her to do all the lions share of the child raising herself.

if you are still in your 20s you are at the best age to be most attractive to loads of men so i would really say try to go for someone your own age.

Kiduknot · 27/08/2021 16:05

Do you say no to him? Have you argued against anything he’s said or suggested? What is his reaction?

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 16:06

@Sidehustle99
Respectfully, I disagree. Post break ups I don’t check my exes social media posts because I know it will upset me. I don’t think you should have to tailor your social media posts to make your exes feel better. If they want to check then that’s on them

OP posts:
Sakurami · 27/08/2021 16:06

He's not the perfect package. He's 15-20 years older. Has issues with his ex and children.

You're young and free. I would steer clear and find someone closer to your age. Too much drama and potential issues.

Longdistance · 27/08/2021 16:06

A work colleague of mine was warned by an ex that he was an alcoholic and generally horrible. She didn’t listen and it all fell apart even on her wedding. She was so naive and continued with him. 18 months later they split and it’s been messy ever since. She wished she’d had listened.
I would be cautious myself.

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2021 16:08

Also, never fall into the trap of thinking that because you have had one narcissist in your life, you will recognise them all. They are all individuals afterall. Even covert and overt narcissists can be very different in their tactics. Some are extra specially malignant. Some have other disorders that are comorbid with the npd. There are no two exactly the same. Well...save the lack of a soul perhaps xD

I would be very cautious of any man who mentioned NPD to me out of the blue. It suggests either they have been accused of it before or they have been a victim of it and done a lot of research. Because most people would never use that specific term. So if he brought it up with u before she even mentioned it... ... it's verycommon for narcissits to tell on themselves in the early stages by saying 'my ex says I'm a narcissist' or even, calling themselves one. Honestly it's a huge tell. So...did he bring it up put of the blue first? If so, that's a red flag right there.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 16:09

@Millymog
That sounds awful! Thank you for the advice though.

OP posts:
RacistAngst · 27/08/2021 16:14

This is going to be hard work.
Regardless of whether the ex is bitter or not, they will always have a relationship. One that will be acrimonious.
You’ll become a (step) mum to two young dcs. With all the work and hassle coming with it.

You’re young @Owlberry. It looks like you are setting yourself for years of hard work.

Btw at your age, I was still naive enough to think that if two people love each other, it would be ok.

It doesn’t work like that. Some situations lend themselves to disaster. And it sounds like one of those.

Millymog · 27/08/2021 16:15

welcome.

whatever you decide i hope it works out for you.

BTW, I only say this from my own experience of how i thought /acted before i had children compared with how i thought / acted after i had children.

it is very difficult if you are single and do not have children to imagine what it must be like if you yourself have children but your separation / divorce means your own children have to spend (possibly a significant amount of) time with your ex's new partner. Of course that in itself is not a reason for you to abandon this relationship but it might go some way to explaining why your boyfriend's ex appears to be "bitter" (if that is what she is, who knows).

Kotatsu · 27/08/2021 16:16

Do be careful - I contacted my ex's new woman (I found out what he'd been doing, ended it the same day, and he took her abroad with him to live a week later - and it was only a week because they had to wait for covid testing!)

I'm sure he's spun her quite the line and is being very charming, so I just wanted her to know that the story probably wasn't what he was saying and that I had no ill-will towards her, and that if she ever had questions she could contact me. I also strongly suspect the poor woman is pregnant by him (I have 2 kids with him).

There is no way I want him back, but I'm already feeling awful because I realise this is what he must have done to the woman he was with before me (thankfully child free), and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least reach out and try to warn her (not that I expect her to believe me)

Just take care, please.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 16:18

@Pinkbonbon
That’s true! I guess my point was I’m not totally clueless to some narcissistic behaviours haha.

I actually can’t remember exactly how it was brought up. Initially when he spoke about her he wouldn’t say anything bad, just that they had lots of differences. I think one day after a particularly bad argument between them we spoke about it and he mentioned some of the things she did throughout the relationship (not sure if they’re true obviously).

OP posts:
Driftingblue · 27/08/2021 16:25

Best case scenario you are dealing with an acrimonious co-parenting situation. That reason alone is enough to end this. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this drama? It’s not just until the kids are 18, it’s graduations, weddings, and negotiating Christmas schedules with the added layer of the children’s spouses families.

If that isn’t enough to put you off, I would at least seriously consider if her statement might be true.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 16:26

@Millymog
I understand and I sympathise with her. I think I would feel the exact same way if the roles were reversed which is why I didn’t show him straight away or respond with anything nasty.

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 27/08/2021 16:26

[quote Owlberry]@Sidehustle99
Respectfully, I disagree. Post break ups I don’t check my exes social media posts because I know it will upset me. I don’t think you should have to tailor your social media posts to make your exes feel better. If they want to check then that’s on them[/quote]
I appreciate that but were you married to any of your exes? Did you have kids with any of them? It's a different game when there is a significant past. How long have you been together and how quickly were you showcased on his social media? I'm not saying that he's definitely playing mind games with his ex. But coupled with her warning you about his behaviour I would def be cautious. I would tell him she's been in touch but o would def ask about why the relationship broke down and see if he takes responsibility for any of it. I hope it all works out for you :)

midsummabreak · 27/08/2021 16:31

Are you a considerate, non needy person who is often taking the back seat and letting him do all the choosing ?

Spend more time with your friends and family and keep your relationships with them rock solid. You’ll need their support if he’s a manipulative person who knows how to get out of people whatever he wants when he doesn’t like how things are going.

Does he encourage you to wear what he suggests or does he ever discourage you from doing activities/ study/work or from seeing friends?

If he’s been called out as manipulative by his ex he will be keeping on his best behaviour.

As others say, you need to see how he reacts to not being numero uno for a change.

Get a friend to call you on a date so you can leave early to support them for a ‘problem’. Cancel or rearrange dates with him a few times in a row, then leave early to spend time with. friend in need.

If he has empathy he might ask afterwards how the friend is or discuss how concerning it is, or offer support.

Sidehustle99 · 27/08/2021 16:32

*would not tell him about her getting In touch. Why cause more issues.