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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 30/08/2021 17:56

For me OP your opening posts reads as he said she's a narc, and admits he was a mark (but blamed her for saying this to paint her as the villain).
That alone would tell me to give this man a swerve.

Her message to you pretty much backs up what he has already told you

HalzTangz · 30/08/2021 18:23

You say you aren't interested in having kids biologically, is that, not interested just now,or you don't want kids full stop.

If the latter, and you do decide to go long term (move in, get married etc) with the bf I think him having kids that will end up part of your life will be something you are going to resent

debbs77 · 30/08/2021 19:26

My partners ex wife would tell you that she left due to domestic abuse, and narcissistic and controlling behaviour from him.

Not once in all our years together have I seen a hint of it. I have, however, seen plenty of it from her. Goading, spiteful and nasty messages.

Stay alert but take it with a pinch of salt x

sillyyellow · 30/08/2021 19:28

As others have said, always always listen to the ex wife. Even if it's not true think with your eyes wide open.
Why would a man even waste time explaining how terrible his ex wife was with his new gf. Think about it.

WhoppingBigBackside · 30/08/2021 19:50

@debbs77

My partners ex wife would tell you that she left due to domestic abuse, and narcissistic and controlling behaviour from him.

Not once in all our years together have I seen a hint of it. I have, however, seen plenty of it from her. Goading, spiteful and nasty messages.

Stay alert but take it with a pinch of salt x

Not yet.
WhoppingBigBackside · 30/08/2021 19:54

I hope I'm only being pessimistic @debbs77, but you don't necessarily notice abusive behaviour until it smacks you on the chin.

futterlyucked · 30/08/2021 20:09

Oh OP, you sound like the young girl my ex husband has found to be his next victim, his story is that I was a narcissist...

The reality was he was having an affair for 9 months and I found out. When he cheated on the OW with this young girl, the OW contacted me, I actually sympathised with her.

She then reached out to the young girl to no avail to say he was a pathological liar, she was ignored.

Now the both of us know how her story will end too and she is just 30 years old with no kids and entering the lions den.

My advice is there will be a reason she reached out, yes some ex wives are bitter and some may lie but I think the majority try to warn you as they know what it's like to be on the other side of him.

Take care x

WhoppingBigBackside · 30/08/2021 20:16

My advice is there will be a reason she reached out, yes some ex wives are bitter and some may lie but I think the majority try to warn you as they know what it's like to be on the other side of him.

This.

Lovebombing, gaslighting, abuse.

HairyMaryMyCanary · 30/08/2021 20:34

@Owlberry
I wish you joy of your boyfriend, dear. May you stay with him for years.

LizzieW1969 · 30/08/2021 20:42

My advice is there will be a reason she reached out, yes some ex wives are bitter and some may lie but I think the majority try to warn you as they know what it's like to be on the other side of him.

^I’m inclined to agree with this, too.

Mom2K · 30/08/2021 22:10

If she's a narcissist, I don't understand why he'd still be in any form of contact with her, social media or otherwise.

My ex definitely is and I blocked him everywhere. It's been 7 years and I live my life like he doesn't exist. We have (now teenage) children together and I still personally choose to have zero contact to protect my own metal health from bullying, harassment, and lies.

I'd think anyone who has had to endure a truly horrible person would want to avoid them at all costs once it's over, so why haven't either of them blocked and moved on they if they're both saying the other is the narcissist? Hmm

Original poster
Owlberry · 31/08/2021 01:41

@HairyMaryMyCanary
Thanks for the well wishes old girl x

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 31/08/2021 01:42

@HalzTangz
I stated previously that I can’t have them. No point wanting something you can’t have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 31/08/2021 01:44

@Mom2K
Yeah it’s just hard with young children to go no contact I guess.

OP posts:
Lili132 · 01/09/2021 07:35

@Millymog

"I said biologically"

maternal instinct does not differentiate between biological and (for example) adopted - and I would say the same goes with step children.

There is a massive difference between "working with children" in a professional capacity and parenting children (i.e being a biological or indeed a step parent).

If you work professionally with children that does not mean you "love children".

But going back to my previous point (if you are genuine) I suspect your "not wanting children" is something he likes about you for his own reasons.

This is not true. Not wanting biological children doesn't mean someone is not maternal just as wanting 4 children doesn't mean that someone is. There are many reasons why people decide to have children or not to have them and many people who don't want their biological children make great step parents or foster parents etc. There are also many women who's magical "maternal instinct" is limited to their own children and they can be literally horrible or at best indifferent to their step children.

I'm also not sure what you mean that OP's partner likes her not wanting to have children for his own reasons. That doesn't make sense. Even if you mean he doesn't want anymore children himself then well, it only makes sense he would rather be with someone who is on the same page.

You're just making lots of unnecessary assumptions and if I was OP I would have not appreciated being on receiving end of that.

Millymog · 01/09/2021 14:11

Lili132

my "un necessary assumptions" are as much based on the huge age gap which OP has detailed in her post as anything else (about children or what the attraction might be - he did deliberately pick someone who (i) does not have children for her own reasons (ii) has professed more than once on this thread that in any event she does not want her own biological children). Hence it is not illogical that something so significant is not something he is indifferent about.

But no doubt you will now clap back at me that all relationships with a very large age gap are all just as perfect as any other relationship and age is just a number etc.

Original poster
Owlberry · 01/09/2021 14:57

@Millymog
So he’s only allowed to date women who want to and can bear children? Even though he doesn’t want more himself? I’m confused. Two people who can’t have/don’t want more children dating makes sense to me.

OP posts:
Lili132 · 01/09/2021 15:20

@Millymog

Lili132

my "un necessary assumptions" are as much based on the huge age gap which OP has detailed in her post as anything else (about children or what the attraction might be - he did deliberately pick someone who (i) does not have children for her own reasons (ii) has professed more than once on this thread that in any event she does not want her own biological children). Hence it is not illogical that something so significant is not something he is indifferent about.

But no doubt you will now clap back at me that all relationships with a very large age gap are all just as perfect as any other relationship and age is just a number etc.

Deliberately picking someone with the same life values and plans around family is sensible of him. I don't see how does that make him wrong?

I don't think age doesn't matter , of course there are challenges people need to be aware of but there are endless reasons why relationship might not work out. Picking a life partner is a minefield.

Millymog · 01/09/2021 15:28

Oh Owlberry.
I don't give a stuff who he dates. You or anyone else.

There is no "allowed" about it apart from the very simple question - does they other party to your (current) boyfriend want to date him.

My observations on this thread about the fact that your boyfriend does not want any [more] children and you not wanting to have children (for different reasons) might - just might - be more than a total conincidence.

But you are the OP - you know the circumstances, you are passionate in your defence of your boyfriend and your decision to continue in your relationship with him.
Your choice, your life (and if it does not turn out well, your look out).

Excelthetube · 01/09/2021 15:40

@Millymog
Your post makes no sense what so ever

I don’t want children. Probs best for me to find someone who doesn’t want children. Isn’t that how it works??!!

Millymog · 01/09/2021 15:43

Excel.

If it works for you - namely you do not want children and you look for someone who does not want children too (because that is "how it works") then great.

You haven't read the whole thread have you?

Original poster
Owlberry · 01/09/2021 15:45

@Millymog
I started the whole thread and I’m just as confused lmao. Your argument makes absolutely no sense.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 01/09/2021 15:45

@Millymog
Yes I have. I might not have read all your comments.
Can you explain to me? Have I read it wrong

Millymog · 01/09/2021 15:46

And to repeat.
Owlberry
Excel.

I do not care whether Owlberry continues in a relationship with this man or not. Irrespective of whether her boyfriend is the perfect man with a psycho ex wife - or he turns out to be not what she currently thinks he is (the perfect man).

Up to her.

Her life. Her look out.

Millions of people make choices and decisions like this every day.

Millymog · 01/09/2021 15:47

Owlberry.

Very obviously I am not making an argument because I do not know you and I do not care what decision you make as a result of this thread.

All posts on the thread you started are observations by strangers and no more.