Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 27/08/2021 16:32

[quote Owlberry]@Aquamarine1029
Sadly I was raised by one so I have a general idea of what to look out for[/quote]
People raised by narcissists often end up in relationships with narcissists.

I'd be very wary. As soon as he started saying his ex was abusive and narcissistic, that was your first red flag. This is another.

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 16:42

I couldn't be doing with getting involved with a man who still has his ex active on his SM and is "clearly not over him".

Whether she's right or just aiming to cause trouble, why would you want to be in the middle of it?

Seagullsstopit · 27/08/2021 16:43

I'd love to warn my exes girlfriend about becoming financially involved with him (owes me and his family thousands of pounds)
But she was the OW and is now pregnant so fuck her.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 16:53

@midsummabreak
Somewhat.
Not possible to spend time with friends and family at the moment as we’ve been in lockdown for the past couple months but I definitely still check in with them.
He’s never mentioned anything I wear other than to say I look great, doesn’t discourage me from doing anything. He’s quite busy with work so leaves me to do my own thing.
I’ve cancelled dates many times due to work, being sick etc and he’s always gracious about it.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 27/08/2021 16:54

You can have a lovely relationship with someone who doesn’t come with baggage or at least isn’t into slagging off the ex. Personally I would ditch him, go out more with my friends and just enjoy being around others who are 25, young and beautiful! Have fun being you and with your generation

Greyhare · 27/08/2021 16:55

I would listen, my friend was contacted by 'the crazy ex' she ignored her and a few years a couple of kids later and his inability to keep it in his pants whilst he lied and cheated and promised the earth whilst making out she was crazy and paranoid, she has become the crazy ex, he has a string o them, I would always listen to the woman.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 16:56

@CampaignToo
His social media isn’t private, if she chooses to check I believe it’s on her

OP posts:
CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 16:58

[quote Owlberry]@CampaignToo
His social media isn’t private, if she chooses to check I believe it’s on her[/quote]
I'm no SM expert but it's perfectly possible to restrict it to only those you want to see it. If she's posting about her trauma at the split and he hasn't stopped it, he's enjoying the drama.

midsummabreak · 27/08/2021 17:00

Why isn’t his media on private, that’s interesting. Everyone on social media sometimes chooses to check I would have thought?

Twizbe · 27/08/2021 17:02

Tbh, if you're in your 20s I'd throw this one back and find a better one.

There's too much baggage and it's not worth getting sucked into it.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 17:05

@midsummabreak
I’m not sure, mine isn’t either though so I can’t really judge lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 17:06

@CampaignToo
Sure but he can’t control what she chooses to post, if that’s what you mean?

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 27/08/2021 17:06

Remember you will have been painted a picture of of his ex that is very unflattering

If she is is actually narcissistic I’m not sure she would get much out of warning you? Would she not be more likely to upset you by competing with you , like saying he wants/ loved me more than you or something like that?

bamboocat · 27/08/2021 17:09

Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He's said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He's also said that she thinks he's the narcissist!

If he is a narcissist, then that is exactly what one would expect him to say.

His ex-wife has just sent me a message warning me that he's incredibly manipulative and I should be careful.

They split up quite a while ago yet she has bothered to get in touch with you anyway. He may already be manipulating you without you realising it. You need to be careful.

midsummabreak · 27/08/2021 17:10

When you say ‘somewhat’ @Owlberry
do you mean that you are the one in the relationship that lets him do all the choosing and you don’t tend to be the one running the show?

GotBeatenUp · 27/08/2021 17:10

The 'crazy ex' is a red flag.
If there's a crazy ex, you'll probably end up one too.
I'd run for the hills.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2021 17:12

@midsummabreak

Remember you will have been painted a picture of of his ex that is very unflattering

If she is is actually narcissistic I’m not sure she would get much out of warning you? Would she not be more likely to upset you by competing with you , like saying he wants/ loved me more than you or something like that?

Warning him off maybe

Op, we don’t know. That’s a big old age gap and life experience you’ve got going on there though. My daughters your age, if she brought that home my antenna would be up,

helentomelon · 27/08/2021 17:15

It's a weird thing for her to do. By her age I'd expect her to realise its best to stay out of it. And she hasn't given you anything to really work with. "He's manipulative" isn't the same as "he hit me" or anything.

I'd take it with a pinch of salt but be on alert for red flags, as you should be anyway.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 27/08/2021 17:17

Would like to add that it's not been quite 6 months right? That's not a very long time in relationship terms, you are still getting to know each other and should still be in the honeymoon phase.

One thing to watch out for is that he wants you to meet his kids already. That's really soon for children of that age to be meeting a new partner. No one knows if you two will last yet.
I know you said you'd prefer to wait but him asking in the first place is, for me, a red flag.

I know some men who have children and use them as part bait, part incentive to stay. They make their target feel important and special because they want them so badly to be a part of their precious child's life. A relationship is formed between the woman and the child and once the abuse starts so do the guilt trips about how if you leave you will be upsetting and damaging the poor kid because they have such a special relationship with you etc etc.

Agree with the PP who says disagree a few times, cancel a plan or change it to something you suggest and watch for his reaction over the following days because sometimes they like to delay the punishment so you can't officially link it with what you did "wrong".

FWIW I'd say even without the warning from the ex and possibility of abuse in the future that this is too much baggage. Agree with others that it's a red flag that a nearly 40yo picked a 20 something and think you'd find a happier and easier road with someone closer to your own age with no exW or children.

Also in this day and age who doesn't have their social media set to private? Honestly do adjust your settings at least OP, it's basic internet safety.

RacistAngst · 27/08/2021 17:17

There might be some reasons why she is checking his SM
Eg because he lied in the past, said he couldn’t take his dcs because of work but spent the WE away having fun.
Or he said he has no one in his life, which clearly untrue, and she is worried he will introduce you to the dcs very early on etc….

HairyMaryMyCanary · 27/08/2021 17:18

Ah, OP. Just imagine...

You're young and full of yourself. No need to listen to the older woman. Learn the hard way like the rest of us.

The social media thing - he's using you (and your photos) to make himself seem attractive, important, to be seeming to have a great life. It's how he wants to present himself to ex w and the world. It's not about you (or your relationship) at all.

Maybe the worst-case scenario is the truth. So...

Enjoy him, keep a bit of yourself back, kick him into touch as soon as he gives you the slightest hint of trouble. Don't get into nannying his children or doing his cooking, cleaning and washing. Don't subsidise his lifestyle. And whatever you do, don't have a baby with him. He makes them and leaves them.

RacistAngst · 27/08/2021 17:20

He's manipulative" isn't the same as "he hit me" or anything
I’d say being manipulative is pretty bad tbh.
Unless you consider that physical violence is the only bad thing that can happen in a relationship

AtticusHoysAnus · 27/08/2021 17:20

I think it's worth having at the back of your mind.

It doesn't sound like she was abusive or giving you grief.

diddl · 27/08/2021 17:20

Not six months in & he wants you to meet the kids??

Lostmyway86 · 27/08/2021 17:23

I joined this drama at 28...I'm now 34 and so so so so wish I'd run when I had the chance. I do love my DH but by god has the baggage, drama, toxiness etc etc worn me down....