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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 27/08/2021 15:22

At 25? I'd be running for the hills.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:23

@FleasInMyKnees

Are they pictures he has taken while he has been with you, how does she know you are his gf. I always distance myself from exes and their new partners and never bother to talk about them, unless there are children involved who you see.
Yes pictures we’ve taken together, tags me in date ideas etc. They also have mutual friends who have probably told her
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2021 15:23

I'd be very wary if I were you. You're so young, don't waste your youth on him.

Farwest · 27/08/2021 15:28

At 25 I would not have realised the sort of drama and mess I was getting myself into. You should walk away, not because of her warning, but because he's 40+ with an ex and a lot of friends in common with her and the drama has already begun.

No.

SunshineCake · 27/08/2021 15:29

All sounds very exhausting and I doubt he is worth it.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/08/2021 15:30

I would be aware , but take him as you find him- what bothers one woman may not bother another. One persons ‘good with money’ for instance is another persons ‘tightwad’ . If a new partner of an ex asked me why I split with someone I would honest and tell (because partners often lie if they are ashamed/embarrassed or have been up to no good) but I would never comment unless I was asked, UNLESS it was a physical domestic violence kind of thing and I thought someone might be at risk and in that case I would let someone know

LucasLodge · 27/08/2021 15:34

I’d have been on high alert from the moment he said his ex wife was a narcissist.

Who could be arsed with all this crap when they were in their mid-twenties! He’s twice your age and has been in a ‘slightly abusive’ marriage.

Millymog · 27/08/2021 15:34

"What is the age gap op? abusive men often go after younger women.

I can’t imagine a nearly 40 year old wanting to be with someone in their mid 20s tbh."

This.

My ex husband had an affair and left me for someone 11 years younger than him. They are still together some years later but my children report things which make me think that the honeymoon phase is definitely over.
My ex husband was abusive to me and his own sister warned me "Good luck you are going to need it" before we got married - i laughed that off at the time. Wish i had listened.

knittingaddict · 27/08/2021 15:34

If he is genuinely a narcissist it is going to be a very difficult relationship to be in. Would you recognise the signs of a narcissist if he did demonstrate them? Not everyone would and you're young.

CointreauVersial · 27/08/2021 15:35

Why should OP walk away from a good relationship solely on the basis of a message from a (possibly bitter) ex?

Certainly watch out for suspect behaviour (much as you would in any relationship, presumably?) and judge him by what he does, and how he treats YOU, not by what somebody with an axe to grind says about him.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2021 15:38

@knittingaddict

If he is genuinely a narcissist it is going to be a very difficult relationship to be in. Would you recognise the signs of a narcissist if he did demonstrate them? Not everyone would and you're young.
Exactly. I'm concerned you may have no idea what to really look for, and if he is an abuser, men like that very often pick young, inexperienced girls because they are often much easier to control.
Nicolastar78 · 27/08/2021 15:38

@ProudAlly

Why hasn't he blocked her on social media? Why is he continuing to engage with her by letting her see his photos and letting her see you comment on them? That's a huge red flag to me after an acrimonious break up. There's unfinished business and if I were you I'd keep well away from the pair of them
This........ I would be wondering why if the relationship was bad towards the end are they still engaging online ?? Especially if hers seems like she isn't over him , I would generally be wondering why ?? ..I know I wouldn't like to be friends with a ex and see that even years later they were still hung up on me and displaying it on line , that would make me feel awfull unless I was trying to play games ( which I wouldn't).. But then equally why would the ex want to see that he has moved on and torture herself ?? That doesn't say narcissist to me.
Hoppinggreen · 27/08/2021 15:38

Oooh, the “my ex is a nutter” script
How unusual

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:41

@CaMePlaitPas

At 25? I'd be running for the hills.
Hahaha, that’s fair. I will definitely be wary.
OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:42

@Aquamarine1029
Sadly I was raised by one so I have a general idea of what to look out for

OP posts:
FleasInMyKnees · 27/08/2021 15:43

If you really want to continue this relationship then I would ask him to stop posting any more photos, block her on his social media, stop yourself looking at the photos and commenting and see what his reaction is. I would also tell him she has messaged you and see what he says and whose side he takes.

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:46

@ProudAlly

Why hasn't he blocked her on social media? Why is he continuing to engage with her by letting her see his photos and letting her see you comment on them? That's a huge red flag to me after an acrimonious break up. There's unfinished business and if I were you I'd keep well away from the pair of them
His social media is not private. I don’t think it’s that odd tbf. I’ve never blocked any of my exes either, if they want to look that’s on them
OP posts:
Millymog · 27/08/2021 15:46

if they are still involved in some way (however tenuous) the fact that he wants to be with you but is still engaging somehow with her (unless there are children involved) is a massive red flag IMO. It means he likes to do "overlap" relationships.

Millymog · 27/08/2021 15:47

"Sadly I was raised by one so I have a general idea of what to look out for"

and perversely, people who are raised by narcs are often attracted to them in their adult life

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:48

@Millymog

if they are still involved in some way (however tenuous) the fact that he wants to be with you but is still engaging somehow with her (unless there are children involved) is a massive red flag IMO. It means he likes to do "overlap" relationships.
They have children
OP posts:
Journeyofthedragons · 27/08/2021 15:48

Why should OP walk away from a good relationship solely on the basis of a message from a (possibly bitter) ex?

Because We👏Believe👏Women👏

GOODCAT · 27/08/2021 15:48

Be extremely careful not many women are brave enough to warn the new girlfriend.

If you want kids, do it with someone your own age who is doing it for the first time too. You are in your twenties, don't settle for this.

FleasInMyKnees · 27/08/2021 15:49

If she has contacted you then yes he should block her now if he cares about you

Millymog · 27/08/2021 15:51

"They have children"

ah, noted.
Although the communication should probably be direct (eg email etc) not some kind of baiting on social media if that is what it is.

How old are the children, have you met them and are you ready to be a step parent if that is where it ends up?

Original poster
Owlberry · 27/08/2021 15:51

@Millymog

"Sadly I was raised by one so I have a general idea of what to look out for"

and perversely, people who are raised by narcs are often attracted to them in their adult life

Sure, sometimes!
OP posts: