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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

209 replies

JammyGem · 23/08/2021 08:58

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 23/08/2021 09:06

What would be the consequences at work if he doesn’t go?
How important is his salary to your household?
Is it really not safe for your DD to go with him?
I agree with you in principle but if the alternative is he loses his job then that’s a major issue.
He should be sorting the childcare though.

Rosebel · 23/08/2021 09:06

Tell him to organise childcare. Why the hell is up to you when he's the one who agreed to work. And I mean acceptable childcare not dragging her in to work.
He might stop if he's the one who has to sort things out..
How do you feel generally? Are you happy in your marriage or are there other issues? Perhaps he needs to hear how close to the edge you are. What do you think he'd say if you told him that it was a choice between work and you?

TooWicked · 23/08/2021 09:13

On this one occasion I actually would make him take your DD into work with him. I think he’s saying that’s what he’ll do to call your bluff.

A conversation with him where you tell him you’re at the point of considering ending your marriage over his total lack of respect and consideration for you would be a good thing, so he knows exactly where he stands. Are you prepared to go through with it though?

Naunet · 23/08/2021 09:13

@Rosebel

Tell him to organise childcare. Why the hell is up to you when he's the one who agreed to work. And I mean acceptable childcare not dragging her in to work. He might stop if he's the one who has to sort things out.. How do you feel generally? Are you happy in your marriage or are there other issues? Perhaps he needs to hear how close to the edge you are. What do you think he'd say if you told him that it was a choice between work and you?

This! Why is it left to you to arrange childcare when he does this?

Branleuse · 23/08/2021 09:14

tell him to take dd in with him. Hes calling your bluff

Howshouldibehave · 23/08/2021 09:15

If you won’t let him take DD to work with him and you aren’t going to tell him your marriage is on the line if he goes in, what actually are you going to do?

Original poster

JammyGem · 23/08/2021 09:18

To be fair we couldn't survive without his salary. Mine pays for childcare and anything left over after my bills and debts goes into the joint account - he's mentioned recently about him having to pay for everything and me not contributing much in there, but it's an extra roughly £200 childcare I'm forking out out for each month on top of the usual fees because he keeps working on his supposed days off.

He knows I'm desperately unhappy, in a lot of areas of life. My mental health is shot to pieces and only a couple weeks ago I was on the verge of suicide. He knows I need his support now more than ever, and that includes support in looking after DD and the housework etc, but nothing ever changes.

I'd said a few months ago (after he missed our anniversary again) that it was the final straw. Unless it was a genuine emergency I really didn't want him to keep going into work. I guess because I keep telling him its the final straw he thinks he can keep doing it. I think the only way to get it into his head is through an ultimatum or if I just upped and left, which I can't practically do.

And no, he works in a kitchen, it is not safe to have an energetic toddler in that environment.

OP posts:

Original poster

JammyGem · 23/08/2021 09:20

He doesn't know how to arrange it apparently 🙄
Besides, it's not really his problem as he leaves for work early, so if he didn't arrange anything it wouldn't affect him, I'm the one WFH with a toddler to care for.

OP posts:

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 23/08/2021 09:22

I work in hospitality.... it is high pressure and short staffed at the moment..,, everyone is working extra hours they don't want to .
We have no option. It's the only way to keep the business open. The only way to keep our jobs.
This doesn't help your problem but maybe discuss an equal responsibility to sorting childcare with each other.

BarbaraofSeville · 23/08/2021 09:24

Sounds like he's already working 5 days a week and they're pushing him to work more, he needs to say no he can't. They'll then move onto someone else. Or he needs to arrange childcare on his days. Why would it be your job?

Unless he's truely awful at his job, he won't get sacked and if he does he can find more work in hospitality straight away, there's a desperate shortage of experienced staff right now. He needs to use that to his advantage.

You also need to look at childcare costs as a family, not all on you, especially when it's him working that leads to the cost. He can't consider his earnings his own, but the childcare that allows him to work a cost to you. He'd be an idiot to not see how ridiculous that is.

Sparklfairy · 23/08/2021 09:25

And no, he works in a kitchen, it is not safe to have an energetic toddler in that environment.

Call his bluff. Send her with him. When he turns up toddler in tow to a busy kitchen his boss will have a heart attack at the thought of all those health and safety breaches and send him home again

Arabelladrinkstea · 23/08/2021 09:25

I’d just let him take her in, it’s his responsibility to sort something out.
He’s her dad, he won’t let any harm come to her so let him decide what’s safe and what’s not.

Planetsandstars · 23/08/2021 09:26

I think that’s really inconsiderate of him. I can imagine mine being the same to be honest and it’s frustrating - no discussion, just ‘I’m doing this.’

Anything that impacts on the other person should be discussed, not presented as something thst is happening.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 23/08/2021 09:27

Would it help if you learned to drive?

Original poster

JammyGem · 23/08/2021 09:28

I used to work in hospitality so I know what it's like, but this has been a problem since we got together. It didn't matter so much when we both worked odd hours, but when we had DD he promised he would put her first- in fact that was a condition of us having children in the first place.

I now realise I've been spectacularly stupid to think he'll ever put his family before his job. Unfortunately I cannot practically or financially leave so I'm stuck. I just wish there was a way of forcing him to stick up for himself - his job and colleagues take advantage so much and he just rolls over and let's them, to the detriment of our family.

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 23/08/2021 09:28

He's a bully
He thinks you aren't contributing
He makes threats
He's pretending to be too stupid to organise care, or really is
He isn't paying for the extra childcare so keeping all the money he earns
You aren't a team

We had three under fives and dh worked while I stayed at home with the kids. He often took them out on the weekend so I could have a break and never complained about what I spent, though I never took the piss.

He needs to grow up fast and you need to learn to say what you mean and mean what you say otherwise nothing will change.

Original poster

JammyGem · 23/08/2021 09:30

Believe me, I'd love to learn to drive, but we don't have the money for it. There's also the problem that it lessons would have to be on his two days off in the evenings, and because he keeps going into work on his days off I would only get about a quarter of the lessons I paid for.

OP posts:

Elephantsparade · 23/08/2021 09:31

I know this isnt the advice you want but you need to split child care 50/50. Its not just your cost. Then he wont feel like he pays for everything as you will have more money to contribute to other things.

GladAllOver · 23/08/2021 09:31

Unfortunately an ultimatum is not a good way of preserving a marriage. Whichever way it ends it will result in resentment.
If you can't resolve this through negotiation then sadly you should consider ending the marriage before your health gives way.

Bells3032 · 23/08/2021 09:32

Honestly it sounds like there are far more issues at play than his work. you need to sit down and discuss these issues with him and explain why its so problematic. if affordable seek some kind of counselling.

As for the child care his excuse is pathetic. I am sure at some point you didn't know how to arrange it either. you learn and he can drop her on the way to work.

Original poster

JammyGem · 23/08/2021 09:33

He is a good dad but I do not trust him with her in a professional kitchen. He can get very easily distracted and also thinks nothing of just leaving her for 5 minutes to go for a fag (this happened at home once when I was working, I didn't realise he'd left her unattended and the front door unlocked and she was on the next street before we found her). It sounds great in my head to call his bluff but I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her.

OP posts:

mygreysweatshirt · 23/08/2021 09:35

Is there any way that he could apply for another job @JammyGem? Easier said than done I know but might be worth looking into if his job is causing family/home problems. I've been in jobs like this before when I was younger, where I was continually being called in on my days off and I did get fed up. Occasionally is fine (we all have to help out sometimes) but every week takes the mick and I can see why you're fed up.

ActonSquirrel · 23/08/2021 09:35

Sounds as if they're better off in childcare than with him tbh.

Phyllis321 · 23/08/2021 09:36

He doesn’t sound like a good dad, given your last post..

wizzywig · 23/08/2021 09:37

It may be more helpful to get advice from others who are married to chefs. Are you doing all you can to manage your mental health?

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