To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

[JammyGem]

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

@JammyGem

Well I just tried to talk to him and he exploded, listed all my faults (which to be fair are many and all he said is true) and has told our daughter that mummy and daddy will be getting a divorce.

He's now gone out to get some shopping with her.

So I guess that's it.

I'm sure you don't have lots of faults .

If you do separate, it's probably for the best and your life will be so much easier without him. He sounds horrible and your relationship very unequal.

Let him take DC to work.

No permanent harm will come to DC in that very public environment; his employers would never dare risk it. BUT< his employers WILL fire a rocket up the arse of DP for doing it.

From that, DP will learn the hard way that if he accepts irregular shifts HE WILL have to arrange proper childcare for his child.

How much does each of you earn?

Regardless of which account the money comes from the childcare is so that you can both work, he needs to drop this notion.

He also needs to be fully responsible for childcare when he does overtime and needs to ask nicely for you to facilitate it on his behalf. Or to arrange to start overtime work after he has done drop off.

Do a full household income and expenditure- and all bills, debts and childcare are a shared household expense. Things like his fags are his own expense.

Sorry cross post, so sorry op x

So what are all your many faults?

Secret cocaine habit?
Multiple affairs?
Getting legless and doing the can-can down the street on a Sat night?

Because they have to be pretty spectacular to make up for him costing you £200 a month so that he can work for free, demand home cooked dinners and expect you to arrange all the childcare.

Looks like he just offered you a way out.

I can't help but wonder if the reason for the DH's lack of parental responsibility is cultural.
Does he come from a country where children are womens work?

He needs to really be confronted with the fact that here in our culture men are expected to share childcare.
I was shocked that some of your debt is money you borrowed to pay for childcare!
No, it should be a shared expense and debt.

Your DD belongs to both of you.
This is one of the reasons you feel so weighed down. You are carrying more than your fair share in this marriage.
Another PP has pointed out that your DH is in effect paying to work those extra hours.
Someone needs to put this man straight. He can refuse to work for nothing. He won't be sacked he is needed.

Now ask him how he intends to share DD care 50:50?

How will he manage to pay for and arrange childcare without you doing it?

What about school drop offs and pick up?

Unsociable childcare hours are difficult to find.

Are you renting or own?

No he's right. I'm not very good with money and have recently been buying more clothes - I've put on weight and my old ones are too tight or had holes in. But he's right that we can't afford it. He said he's sick of not being able to come into the kitchen on his days off (I work from the kitchen table, there's literally nowhere else I can work) because I'm working. He's sick of me shouting at DD and will slap me next time I do it - he has a point, I have a short temper and although don't shout at her I do shout her name to get her attention to stop her doing something she's not supposed to do. I know it's not right and I've been working on it, but obviously haven't improved as much as I thought. He's fed up of having to keep throwing food away - this is my fault, we quite often have leftover portions when I cook and I forget to put them in the fridge. He's fed up of me complaining about his job, he hates it too but there's nothing he can do.

Basically I'm a bad mother and a bad wife and he's completely right. Both him and DD would be better off without me.

I guess I just need to figure out where to go from here.

@JammyGem

I used to work in hospitality so I know what it's like, but this has been a problem since we got together. It didn't matter so much when we both worked odd hours, but when we had DD he promised he would put her first- in fact that was a condition of us having children in the first place.

I now realise I've been spectacularly stupid to think he'll ever put his family before his job. Unfortunately I cannot practically or financially leave so I'm stuck. I just wish there was a way of forcing him to stick up for himself - his job and colleagues take advantage so much and he just rolls over and let's them, to the detriment of our family.

But you’re not either? Neither of you is taking day off to care for your DC. You’re still going to work as is he.

Wow he’s done a number on you hasn’t he?

Buying clothes is ok, replacing worn clothes is ok. Trying to watch a toddler and work is difficult.

Food waste happens, and if he’s so brilliant in the kitchen why isn’t he making dinner? Or even making meals to freeze and you can heat up? If he wants fresh let him make his own.

I don’t know why you’re believing what he’s saying when it’s so obvious you are in a highly toxic relationship riddled with domestic abuse/violence! Why are you allowing someone to treat you like shit and threaten physical harm. Get out now!! Show yourself some respect and I promise you your mental will improve in leaps and bounds. Contact women’s aid for support as hard as taking the first step seems you CANNOT go on like this and your daughter needs a more stable environment! Do this for you and your daughter.

*mental health

FTR I also gain weight and buy new clothes, work from home at the kitchen table and throw left over food away! If my DO threatened to slap me I would be out of this house like a shot! You are worth so much more.. your behaviour is normal but he’s making you feel like it’s not.. it’s abuse on so levels let alone what you were saying about the childcare..

Please, my advice is to make a doctor's appointment with you GP as an emergency.

I can read the pain and struggle in your updates and the defeat in your words. Don't let your mental health worsen through the next stages. Fight for your daughter and get support.

I'm not very good with money and have recently been buying more clothes - I've put on weight and my old ones are too tight or had holes in. So you needed new clothes. It happens.

he's sick of not being able to come into the kitchen on his days off (I work from the kitchen table, there's literally nowhere else I can work) because I'm working. What else does he suggest? Bearing in mind he already thinks he 'pays for everything'.

He's sick of me shouting at DD and will slap me next time I do it If he lays a finger on you, you will call the police. Tell him this. And be prepared to follow through.

I have a short temper and although don't shout at her I do shout her name to get her attention to stop her doing something she's not supposed to do. That's OK. She's a kid and she will do something to hurt herself if she isn't told.

He's fed up of having to keep throwing food away - this is my fault, we quite often have leftover portions when I cook and I forget to put them in the fridge. Can HE not put them in the fridge? And why must he have meals from fucking scratch that you've made for him every day anyway, while we're on food?

Both him and DD would be better off without me. NO, you and your DD would be better off without him.

This is abuse OP. Nothing he has said is fair or ok. Threatening to slap you? Seriously? Let him fucking GO.

I guess I just need to figure out where to go from here.

Leave...with your daughter, and have a safe and happy life.

I know several (male) chefs, two are lovely, laid people...the rest are temperamental and moody at best, completely batshit at worst.

I swear that profession should come with a health warning.

OP. He is 100% at fault at here.

It sounds as though you are an amazing mother, wife, employee, housekeeper... He is being completely unreasonable.

Your daughter needs you.

Please talk to someone today.

Please just take him up on the offer of a divorce before he actually moves from emotional abuse to physical.
He is nasty, critices you, accuses you of being a bad parent, costs you extra in childcare, which he "doesn't know" how to sort out, threatens to hit you, treats you like his personal slave and can't be arsed to look after his child or support his wife.
I may have missed something but why is he a good husband and dad? He's not.
He's shown you his true colours. Don't let it get any worse, please.
I think in your situation you can call Woman's Aid for support. Do you have family or friends you can stay with.
He's dangerous

Please don't believe everything he's saying! You poor thing. He's abusive, I know it may not seem like it right now but you will be far better off without him.

No one is perfect and none of your 'flaws' are that bad anyway, certainly not compared to someone who ignores his child to the point she's got out the front door, or someone who threatens to slap his wife.

Are you getting any mental health support at the moment? Please don't think your DD would be better off without you, she needs you so much.

Sound alike he just thinks childcare is your responsibility.

His remarks about you not contributing much, even though you pay for childcare, are very telling.

He doesn’t respect you, or your time.

It’s time for a “come to Jesus” conversation really. You need to split childcare responsibilities equally, both in terms of being one spent liking after children and money spent on childcare. If one of you has to drop time then it’s that person’s responsibility to both cover the cost and do the arranging/drop off.

Sorry hadn’t read full thread. Yes, divorce him.

I think you are under severe stress and that is why you are doing things like forgetting to put spare portions in the fridge etc. Please see your GP and tell them the situation you are in and how you are feeling. Make a list of everything you are worried about before you go.

Honestly, it's exactly this thought that led to the suicide attempt a few weeks ago. I can't live like this anymore but I don't have a choice, but without him I cant cope financially.

He is emotionally abusive, gaslighting you into taking responsibility for things he could and should do or meeting your basic needs. Is he "looking after" your dd while you work in the next room? What mh support are you getting, counselling may help you find a way forward without him?

I agree there is no going back from this really. I know you feel trapped but is it possible things could work out okay on your own?

If you are working FT, hopefully you could afford to rent a small 1 bed (you don't need more than that right now with a toddler)

Go on entitledto.co.uk to find out how much you can get in benefits, it may be more than you think. Don't forget you would get single-person council tax discount as well.

Contact debt relief organisations to see how you can freeze debt repayments temporarily

Could you ask your work to let you work flexibly temporarily, i.e. some evenings and weekends? So you don't need FT childcare