To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

[JammyGem]

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

Working at the kitchen table (because there's nowhere else) is good, not a fault.

Why is he not looking after DD on his days off so you can have peace while you're working?

He sounds horrible and you & DD would get on better without him.

Gosh OP, this situation sounds awful and there is a lot more to it than him working extra hours when he should be with DD (though that's bad enough!).

How old is DD? The term after she is 3, she is entitled to 30 hours funded childcare. When is she 3? This should help massively with childcare costs. If it's a way off, is there a childminder closer to you? That may work out cheaper and easier to get her there and back.

Are you getting help for your mental health? If not, please contact your GP -you need support.

In all honesty, it doesn't sound like this relationship is working at all.

I would look into what you would be entitled to as a single parent -tax credits etc. You have the benefit of wfh so potentially, you could move nearer to DD nursery. For you and DD, you would only need a small place.

You sound completely overwhelmed. If you need support to work out what you are entitled to etc. Contact women's aid and/or citizens advice as they will be able to help.

YANBU.

This is not your fault.

He's not a good dad or a good husband.

He is abusive and controlling.

You will cope without him. It sounds like you will struggle to survive his abuse if you don't get away from him.

Go on entitledto.co.uk to find out how much you can get in benefits, it may be more than you think. Don't forget you would get single-person council tax discount as well.

Putting this in bold as it's a great suggestion.

Talking to Women's Aid and / or Citizens Advice could also get you useful info.

Finding out what's possible will help you think things through.

You mean to say, that you would break up a marriage because of this, the mind boggles.! Can't you both sort something out,without all this hassle.

all monies need to go into joint and everything including childcare paid from there so he feels the pain of that payment - if he is in the kitchen does the pay for his two extra days cover the childcare costs - he doesn't see that and understand that working those two days is pointless for him. I know many that left the industry because of this and unsocial hrs for cheffing

@1forAll74

You mean to say, that you would break up a marriage because of this, the mind boggles.! Can't you both sort something out,without all this hassle.

Have you read the part where he's abusive and threatened to slap her?

Fair enough, shouting at a child isn't great but we've all done it.

I can't believe he said he'd slap you if you shouted at her again. I'd be out of there like a shot and claiming UC.

@1forAll74 err probably not. He sounds unreasonable and basically wants OP to do everything. So no

I cant imagine how a toddler would be received in a hot busy kitchen! This is not acceptable at all .He needs to step up and pay half of childcare fees! Also you need some more dependable childcare in place .I am sorry you have felt so unwell ,Maybe GP again for some help.If you feel unsupported at home then this will impact on your mental health as well.

There will never be a time that your daughter is better off without you. Please never think this. You are her world and she loves you. No matter how bad things seem, your daughter is always better having you in her life.

I want to reply about other stuff financial etc but I'm working so will come back later (when its probably already been said).

If you haven't already sought help with your mental health then please speak to your doctor.

I fell foul of this sort of behaviour from my ex. Went from sahm to working part time as needed the money. But childcare became my responsibility to sort, and I let it. If he unexpectedly worked late on an evening I worked, I was the one who had to arrange a sitter, or phone in 'sick'.
He was laid off, and I picked up the slack and worked full time, and he looked after the kids. This was for about 6 months. But, then he got a new job, and all pleased with himself he was 'starting tomorrow'. I was also working 'tomorrow' but it didn't occur to him to arrange childcare.
I wish MN had been around then! I was brought up in a very sexist household and just thought it was normal.
What enrages me when I think about him is he wanted me to work because he didn't think it was fair that he had to, but he made it very difficult for me to do so.
Fortunately a good therapist showed me I'd internalised the misogyny from my upbringing, and helped me see the unreasonableness of it all.
I eventually left him for that and a few other reasons and am now happily married to a much more supportive man.

Don't be like me with my first husband. The days he's meant to have your daughter, make sure he knows that he is responsible for her care because you are at work!

Best of luck

@JammyGem

Well I just tried to talk to him and he exploded, listed all my faults (which to be fair are many and all he said is true) and has told our daughter that mummy and daddy will be getting a divorce.

He's now gone out to get some shopping with her.

So I guess that's it.

I'm sorry, I missed this! I hope you can have a productive chat when he calms down and you can talk properly. Thinking of you - it does sound very hard!

No he's right. I'm not very good with money and have recently been buying more clothes - I've put on weight and my old ones are too tight or had holes in. But he's right that we can't afford it you need new clothes! If he wasn’t costing £200 more a month you could afford it!

He said he's sick of not being able to come into the kitchen on his days off (I work from the kitchen table, there's literally nowhere else I can work) because I'm working. He’s just picking at things here to try to make you feel unreasonable, don’t listen to him.

He's sick of me shouting at DD and will slap me next time I do it - he has a point, I have a short temper and although don't shout at her I do shout her name to get her attention to stop her doing something she's not supposed to do. I know it's not right and I've been working on it, but obviously haven't improved as much as I thought. Hes threatened physical abuse here OP, this is not okay. Sometimes I shout my DDs name when she’s not listening and about to hurt herself (or like today, stomp crisps into the carpet) that’s not a problem, that’s just parenting.

He's fed up of having to keep throwing food away - this is my fault, we quite often have leftover portions when I cook and I forget to put them in the fridge Again, he’s trying to pick at things. Why can’t he put them in the fridge if he sees them? You said he does the washing up, surely he would see them when he does that. Although it’s irrelevant because he’s looking for faults to try to defend himself and make you feel bad.

Is your DH the French tosser of previous threads by any chance? (lived in the UK for a couple of decades, crap English, nationalistic twat, theatened to go back home).

I've not done an advance search so no idea if it is, but sounds like a similar set of issues.

(((HUG)))

He is NOT right

I presume you bought normal priced, practical clothes and not a very expensive ball gown? Clothes wear out & need replacing, such is life.

You're working in the kitchen (essentially to pay childcare bills so he can work for free) because as a family, you need your income, you're presumably not ignoring the purpose built office at the end of the garden to work at the kitchen table, just to annoy him!!

Toddlers are trying, only anyone not actually looking after them never shouts or gets exasperated!! If you weren't trying to work/take care of DD, clean, cook for his lordship, you probably would shout less too!!

He works in a kitchen, presumably he can
Open a fridge/freezer to put the left overs in?

Sadly my love he's done a right number on you to the point you feel you are the one that's not pulling their weight or being a good patent. The truth is, it's HIM not you!!

I wish we were having this conversation face to face.

I hope you can hear what most posters are saying!! The couple blaming you have firm for it, pay no attention.

I know you're struggling mentally and it's hard, but you and DD would be better off if he did fuck off to where he came from. You'd be able to get help. Get organised with your routine & childcare and not have someone pulling you down 💐

@Wallywobbles Yes I think that's him, I've posted a couple times before.

I know it's best to leave in the long run, I just don't know how I will manage financially. I definitely won't be able to afford the city we're in now, and because I don't drive it's not practical to move to one of the villages. I think I might have to move back in with my parents (if they'll have me) which will probably mean giving up my job. But if I move back to be near them ill get accused of taking his daughter away from him.

They're still not back. I'm going to see how he is when he returns, whether he's calmed down and is a bit more rational so we can talk about it, or whether I need to start organising a way out.

We were supposed to be visiting my family this weekend, I don't know if that'll happen now.

Well the good news is that if he does go home to france you can still claim child maintenance! France is on the list of reciprocal enforcement of maintenance order countries with the UK.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/countries-where-you-can-enforce-child-maintenance-decisions

So what if he accuses you of taking his daughter away -- he's not god, he's not your master. You will know the truth, that you are only moving home because it's the only option.

It sounds like he will barely spend any time with her, he may not even stay in the country, so you need to prioritise what's best for you and DD.

Also if she has a passport, hide it now.

I have never read any of your other threads but only from this one he sounds abusive. You are not a rubbish mother if you shout to stop your LO from coming to harm - that is good parenting (you are supposed to stop them injuring themselves!). If you are shouting constantly though, you do need to work on it. From your posts though, I don't know how much of that opinion is his words not yours. How much do you shout?

You could afford driving lessons if he stopped costing you an extra £200 a month!

Do a benefit calculator based on your earnings, being a single parent and childcare. I would bet you can afford to leave him.

Get out op

My DH is French and is not a twat. So it is just your DH.

However my DH was genuinely astounded by the high cost of childcare in the UK as he was used to living in a country where a lot of subsidised childcare is available, maternity leave is paid at your usual salary level, and school starts at 3 years old. Childcare was just not a huge expense that he thought needed considering.

It sounds like it might be the end of the road for your marriage anyway but if you can possibly get your mind on to it, do write down a list of "his" expenses versus "your" expenses and let him see that they are comparable. And include the debts that you took on due to paying for childcare at that time.

He sounds a bit of an arse but for your own peace of mind he needs to be told clearly that he does NOT pay for "everything" and when HE works for free it is costing YOU money.

If you want to continue with him then suggest a joint account for everything, or if he can't cope with that then a joint account to pay for rent, utilities, food, child stuff, child care. Whatever this figure is, you both contribute a percentage of your salary to cover it - say two-thirds of your salary, and he pays two-thirds of his: or half of both, or however much is necessary.
That way all the family bills are covered and you both have your own money for clothes.
You will both be able to see how much childcare costs and how much it costs to spend extra time at work.

Are there no other rooms except the kitchen? I wouldn't like to work in mine. Kitchen chairs too uncomfortable, and washing machine too noisy. Plus rest of family are in and out all the time. Could you make a little area or corner for your office stuff somewhere else?

Look at www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators to see what kind of support you would get as a single mum going forward and compare it to having a new financial arrangement with him as above.

Gosh at the start of this he didn't sound so bad but that latest outburst he's deff crossed over to abusive. who says that to their partner and who drags their child into it and uses emotional manipulation by upsetting a child? what a nasty piece of work.

Do you have any family that can help support you if you leave? even to just give you somewhere to stay for a few weeks. this man does not sound good for yours or your child's mental health. At least with him gone you can have regular set child care which will cost less overall

PS he's an executive chef but only on £25k a year?