To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

[JammyGem]

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

Of course he can’t take a toddler into a professional kitchen.

The fact that he thinks his work would agree to that rather than give him the day off is pretty shocking.

Start checking out what benefits you’d be entitled to as a single parent. Start making a proper financial and practical plan. Move closer to your childcare. It sounds like you are basically a single parent anyway it’s just the money you’re scared of.

I am always amazed at how poorly a man can behave and still be praised as a "good dad".

OP your husband sounds unpleasant. You're married, he shouldn't be throwing "I pay for this" and "I pay for that" your way. You're literally a married couple!!

I absolutely agree with other posters that he's calling your bluff about your daughter going in with him. It sounds like he doesn't consider things like this to be his responsibility.

@JammyGem

He is a good dad but I do not trust him with her in a professional kitchen. He can get very easily distracted and also thinks nothing of just leaving her for 5 minutes to go for a fag (this happened at home once when I was working, I didn't realise he'd left her unattended and the front door unlocked and she was on the next street before we found her). It sounds great in my head to call his bluff but I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her.

That's not a good dad, that's a selfish, neglectful one.

Sounds like there's a lot more going on here, with division of domestic labour, and probably money too. Do you both have equal personal spending money? Why are you in debt?

As others have said the hospitality industry is spectacularly short staffed at the moment. I'm not talking the usual having to get 1 or 2 temps in to cover CDP. I'm talking running at half the number of chefs or less and noone having any temp chefs.

It's really shit but your DP working the extra days is likely to be the difference between the restaurant staying afloat or not.

That's being said the main issue is that he's an absolute arse. You need to start making him pay for half the childcare and then you half the bills. If he thinks taking a toddler into a kitchen is a solution he's fucking thick as shit.

Also think about what would happen if you split. You will 100 per cent be left holding the baby. The only chefs I know who have split with their ex and still do a decent amount of childcare aren't the ones with an attitude like your DH.

How bloody frustrating for you. Not only has he made his problem your problem he also doesn’t pay for childcare and leaves it to you to pay for saying you don’t contribute. He should pay for the childcare too.

you need to get all your money into the joint account and transfer spare out for spends,

there is no reason why his earning more costs you extra

make him responsible for the childcare bill and you take on a fixed bill if you cant pool money - its really not fair that he will earn more, but its costing you.

And yes, call his bluff - there is no way the manager will allow a toddler in a kitchen and will send him home.

He's been looking at other jobs but it's difficult to find one that will have set days off and pay the same or more than his current place. We can't afford a pay cut at the moment - without being outing it's possible I may be able to move into a higher paying job next year.

Catering is all he's ever known, plus his English isn't great and he can't work a computer, so there aren't many well-paid jobs he can change into.

This is a shit situation but honestly, I'd get through the summer season as best as you can and then revaluate. Hospitality is not easy at the best of times but it's really squeezed at the moment.
Maybe he could agree to 6 days temporarily, then at least you'd have one day guaranteed. The extra money would help.
But yes to the childcare costs, it's not just down to you. If he pays some you could learn to drive.

Sort your finances out as step one.

How dare he go into work on the days he should be doing childcare, then expect you to pay for it? If you don’t have joint shared income and shared expenses (including debt repayments - if you’ve been married a while I bet the debts aren’t solely your responsibility that they ran up) then he’ll never see the impact and it leads to this lack of equality.

I’d not want to rock the boat with my employer either if I was responsible for all the household bills. Given there is also some debt and no money for driving lessons I’d be taking any extra hours going.
Surely it would make sense to book childcare M-F and let him work the extra. If you’re working full time it’s not going to wipe out your wage even if pre school age and then the household can bring in extra income.

But yes to the childcare costs, it's not just down to you

I agree but likewise all the household bills he is paying arent down to just him either.

Can’t he take DD to childcare in the mornings?

Why are you doing all the childcare drop-offs and pick-ups?

Catering is all he's ever known, plus his English isn't great and he can't work a computer, so there aren't many well-paid jobs he can change into.

So what is he supposed to do then?

You need the money, he can't get another job.

I think somehow you need to work together rather than against each other.

You are both being pretty unreasonable I think as you are not coming to an agreement about what needs to be done.

I think you need to accept this is the nature of his job and he organises the last minute childcare.

Also this:

he's mentioned recently about him having to pay for everything and me not contributing much in there, but it's an extra roughly £200 childcare I'm forking out out for each month on top of the usual fees because he keeps working on his supposed days off.

You need to split the childcare costs 50:50 as it’s giving him the wrong idea that he pays for stuff.

You are both BU

He should be sorting his own childcare.

At the same time, especially after your update, how can you think he has any choice in term of work?

I now realise I've been spectacularly stupid to think he'll ever put his family before his job. Unless all his income goes into his hobby (and it isn't), his job IS putting his family first as he is paying for everything!

You need to have childcare for 5 days a week. You would have to do that if you were separated anyway. He does need to step up about being a dad though.

He doesn't get paid extra to do the extra hours, so it's not a case of picking up all the hours going. I once sat down and figured out his pay - he actually works for about minimum wage despite being on about 25k just because of all the hours he does. Even working just 5 days a week, a 55/60 hour week is standard.

I know I need to sort out the finances. I pay for everything to do with DD - childcare, clothes, toys, treats etc. He pays the rent and household bills. It works out about the same. And to be fair to him, my debt is completely mine. A lot of it is from before we got together, and the rest of for things like when I took out loans to cover the first few months of childcare when I came off of maternity leave.

He starts work in the morning before nursery opens so he can't drop her off. He's very good though, he sometimes gives us a lift and we sit and play outside for 40 minutes or so before it opens - we have a lot of fun

This won’t solve your immediate problem, but you could easily bring your child along to driving lessons so you wouldn’t have to wait for your DH to be off work. Obviously, check that the instructor didn’t mind, but a child would be fine in a car seat in the back.

You both sound stressed. He's working in a high pressure job in an industry which is known for not treating its staff well. He's also carrying the financial weight of everyone and worrying about job security.

You're trying to work and hold things together for yourself..... In your situation id have your dd in nursery for the set days. Whether he's off or not.

And your partner might be better off retraining or looking for work elsewhere so he can supoort you better at home. I don't think there's any right or wrong person here tbh

He doesn't get paid extra to do the extra hours, so it's not a case of picking up all the hours going. I once sat down and figured out his pay - he actually works for about minimum wage despite being on about 25k just because of all the hours he does. Even working just 5 days a week, a 55/60 hour week is standard.

he needs another job. He is being exploited, and I bet his poor English has something to do with it, as his employer must think he will stick around.

But he also need to keep his current job until he finds a new one!

It's always easy to tell people they need to stand up for themselves, but when you have a family to support (and yourself have debts...), the pressure to keep earning is huge.

I appreciate I'm being UR, you're right, it's his job and he needs to keep it.

I love him, I just wish he had a different job. But I guess I knew that when I married him, don't know why I thought it would be different when we had children. Thanks all. I'm just going to have to stick it out until I can earn enough to be independent.

He doesn't get paid extra to do the extra hours

He needs a very frank conversation with his employer, then. This is awful and exploitative. And it’s costing you as a family.

First of all childcare is a joint cost so that should be shared
Then you really should communicate
If he doesn’t know how then tell him how give him the phone numbers introduce him to child minders etc and leave him to it
Make this the actual last time and then tell
Him if he is called into work he is responsible for arranging childcare

I'm just going to have to stick it out until I can earn enough to be independent.

why not BOTH being independent? He's your DH, is he actually enjoying being exploited? Why can't he find another job too? Even if it takes time.