To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

[JammyGem]

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

Apart from all the other unattractive features your husband seems to have, he's also a liar. He's told your you he is contributing more when in fact (assuming all bills including child care are shared):
HE is working FT minimum wage across 7 days and contributing 0 days childcare
YOU are working (presumably at least) FT minimum wage across 5 days and contributing 2 days childcare.

So you are contributing far more than him to the household. That's before you get into the cooking, cleaning, DDs bath and bedtime etc.

I can't get over the

7.20 Leave to get bus to nursery, drop DD off, bus or walk back
8.50 Arrive home, just enough time for a cuppa before starting work

that's a ridiculous amount of time for nursery drop off!

Basically I'm a bad mother and a bad wife and he's completely right. Both him and DD would be better off without me

How would your dd be better off without you. At least you know how to arrange childcare, look after her, cook, clean and work.
Your Dh only knows how to work for free.

No wonder you are putting on weight eating at that time of night and having all this stress

Get ready meals and eat earlier and if he doesn’t like it he knows where the kitchen is.

Friend who got rid of her abusive Dh who did the same as your Dh went through a divorce that turned into a massive saga that took years. As soon as her decree absolute came through and the finances were sorted she dropped 4 stone in as many months she thinks it was because as the stress left her body she was able to then feel more able to concentrate on herself.

@isthisareverse

I can't get over the

7.20 Leave to get bus to nursery, drop DD off, bus or walk back
8.50 Arrive home, just enough time for a cuppa before starting work

that's a ridiculous amount of time for nursery drop off!

Not to deflect off the point but why is it?

We don't know how regular the buses are in her area and she has already said she sometimes walks. Public transport journeys and timings make a big difference to timescales for drop off and pick ups for childcare.

OP, I don't know what to say in relation to how you are feeling but I am getting the impression that your mental health is potentially being impacted by your DH and the constant demands on you. Is there anyone in RL you could speak to?
Maybe a trusted workfriend or a friend who isn't connected to you both.

Speaking out loud to someone in a safe environment may stop your head from feeling like it is on a merry-go-round and they could help you plan...if your plan is to leave and reassess your future.

Just wanted to give you an idea re driving license. There are many charities and initiatives out there which help with getting a license. Future Bright is the name of my local organisation that is financially supporting me with getting a license (this particular charity helps with expanding your job opportunities - and being able to drive is pretty key to that). Sounds to me like you would have more options if you drove - so I'd have a look around and see if you can get financial support for achieving this.

OP, you are not a bad mother or a bad wife.

You are under immense amounts of pressure. You work FT, do nearly all the childcare, your husband is not sympathetic at all and you have money worries.

You are not a bad person. You are human. We all are.

Perhaps if you start a thread in Relationships for support on next steps that will help. There are some brilliant posters with practical experience.

You could also start a thread in Money Matters to get ideas for your financial situation. Maybe you’ll need to go onto a DMP, maybe there are benefits you haven’t considered etc.

You both have a ton of weight (work, finances, family pressure) on you. Working those kinds of hours in a hot kitchen for minimum pay can’t be fun. You running all day without a break is awful, too.
You just both seem super stressed, no time to enjoy your family, constant money pressure.

Was it always this hard?

You sound so very low. I honestly think you need to leave for your own well being. Go to your parents for a bit, get some advice on benefits you might be entitled to. You WFH so have a chat with your company about relocating/keeping your job until you find a new one if they want you near the office. Talk to debt charities to get advice. If needs be get signed off for stress for a bit. It's very concerning you are suicidal.

If your clothes have holes in you need new ones. Why is his job more important than yours? He's abusive. He's threatened to slap you. Please leave him. This isn't your fault, you aren't a bad mother, he's making you feel this way as he's abusive.

It seems scary now, but you can leave and survive financially. It's just going to be hard at first but you will get through it

He's not talking to me except to say he doesn't want any dinner (I started on DD's, wasn't cooking for us anyway) and I don't want to start the conversation in case he blows up at me again.

I've been looking at places on rightmove and they all either mention no children or no pets (I've had my cat before I was with DH and I am not leaving without her) so I'll keep looking but I may have to move back with my parents. They are not at all supportive about mental health so I suspect it won't do me any better but at least I'd be away from him.

Have a look on openrent.co.uk, it's a website for landlords to rent privately -- they are sometimes more open to pets

Moving to your parents wouldn't be a long-term solution anyway, but as a temporary fix it lets you set yourself up. Be sure to claim maintenance, he is legally required to pay it -- he needs to accept that you are not the only one responsible for paying for DC.

Don't engage with him anymore right now. Do your research and make a plan, so that when the final decision comes, you're ready.

Hannayeah

You both have a ton of weight (work, finances, family pressure) on you. Working those kinds of hours in a hot kitchen for minimum pay can’t be fun. You running all day without a break is awful, too.
You just both seem super stressed, no time to enjoy your family, constant money pressure

Was it always this hard

But he chooses to go to work and it’s not for minimum wage. 2 days per week op pays £200 per month to facilitate him working for free.

Does anyone know where I can find a list of things I need to sort out for when I leave? My head's all over the place so I don't know where to start.

My poor DD. She loves her dad more than anything in the world, she always runs around looking to see of he's here whenever we come home from nursery. She's going to hate me.

@JammyGem

*can work for free

I suppose it does keep his bosses sweet, so I guess it must benworth it in that sense.

It's not worth it.

Sounds like he's making up reasons to stop you taking another job because he wants you at home picking up his slack.

@Bythemillpond

Hannayeah

You both have a ton of weight (work, finances, family pressure) on you. Working those kinds of hours in a hot kitchen for minimum pay can’t be fun. You running all day without a break is awful, too.
You just both seem super stressed, no time to enjoy your family, constant money pressure

Was it always this hard

But he chooses to go to work and it’s not for minimum wage. 2 days per week op pays £200 per month to facilitate him working for free.

OP later indicated it’s not a choice for him; it’s a normal expectation of his salaried job and typical for his industry.

If he refuses will they still have the money to eat and keep a roof over their heads? She also indicated his skills (language, computer, etc) limit his job options and that his income is essential to their household.

She is not going to hate you, please don't think that. She is too young to understand what's going on, she might be sad but she will adjust more quickly than you think.

My own parents divorced when I was this age, I have no memory of it. I have never been upset with them for divorcing, they were clearly not meant to be together.

My best friend split from her partner when her DD was two, it's not easy of course but kids do really adjust, and if anything it's easier when they're this young.

@JammyGem

Does anyone know where I can find a list of things I need to sort out for when I leave? My head's all over the place so I don't know where to start.

My poor DD. She loves her dad more than anything in the world, she always runs around looking to see of he's here whenever we come home from nursery. She's going to hate me.

Most important things will depend on how you leave, i.e. if it's going to be a moonlight flit, you will just need the essentials.

ID - passport, birth certificate (yours and DD's), bank account details, passwords for online accounts, savings books - basically any official paperwork.

Phone, charger, laptop/tablet if you have one, and anything you need for work.

Medicine, prescriptions, NHS letters etc.

Any important toys/teddies for DD.

Everything else can be replaced - clothes, toys etc. How far away are your parents and can you trust them? If not too far and yes, an option might be to start moving out important stuff and leaving it there ready for you.

Good idea to talk to Women's Aid and also PP mentioned above a website where you can see what benefits you're entitled to.

With places to rent, you can often get around the no pets rule by asking the landlord directly. So don't despair on that score.

On your DD and how she's going to cope with this - it will be hard at first but when you're happier, she will be happier. You are protecting her.

Your DD won't hate you. She'll look for him at first, but that'll soon wear off. She'll be happy if you are happy.

I think you'll be surprised how much financial help there is out there once your on your own with a small child.

You'll need to speak to Landlords, some LL will let you have a cat, even when it says 'no pets' if you can speak to the LL (rather than than a rental agent).

OP I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read all your posts and what jumps out at me is that you seem to think everything is your fault - your fault that he works extra days as you should have known this even though he said he wouldn’t, your fault that you had to buy new clothes because your old ones had holes in them, your fault that he threaten to slap you, your fault that there is food to throw away even though you have to do all the cooking because he isn’t there to do it and won’t eat ready meals (which would make your life easier). He has made you believe that everything wrong in your house is your fault. You even believe that he is a great dad even though he spends about half an hour a week with your DD.
He doesn’t sound great at being a parent or a partner and these things don’t sound like your fault.

OP later indicated it’s not a choice for him; it’s a normal expectation of his salaried job and typical for his industry

If he refuses will they still have the money to eat and keep a roof over their heads? She also indicated his skills (language, computer, etc) limit his job options and that his income is essential to their household

We as a family work in hospitality. If his boss sacked him then given the lack of chefs/kitchen/front of house staff etc atm he could pick up a job anywhere.
His boss won’t sack him because there would be no one to replace him.

Op has already said there are jobs out there which he would be suitable for but he will make every excuse under the sun why he doesn’t want the job

He is already threatening her with divorce and has spelled out all her supposed faults and threatened to give her a slap.

Here’s a thing. Do we actually know he is actually working. I mean that would explain why there is no increased pay packet

My poor DD. She loves her dad more than anything in the world, she always runs around looking to see of he's here whenever we come home from nursery. She's going to hate me.

Actually, she loves you more than anything in the world.

You are her primary caregiver, her solid foundation.

Yes, when you get back from nursery she looks for her dad - do you know why? Because he’s not always there. When he is, it’s a novelty. She doesn’t need to look for you, does she? You’re predictable - boring, almost, in your always-being-there-for-her.

She loves you more than anything and she needs you. You’re enough.

Hopefully her father will step up, one way or another, living with you or separated, and no one will need to hate anyone.

Start with what you know. Head over to Relationships or Money Matters - depending on which you feel you need most - and lay out what you know about your situation. How much you earn, what your debts are, what average 1-bed rent is, what childcare is etc. One step at a time.

@IntermittentParps

I'm not very good with money and have recently been buying more clothes - I've put on weight and my old ones are too tight or had holes in. So you needed new clothes. It happens.

he's sick of not being able to come into the kitchen on his days off (I work from the kitchen table, there's literally nowhere else I can work) because I'm working. What else does he suggest? Bearing in mind he already thinks he 'pays for everything'.

He's sick of me shouting at DD and will slap me next time I do it If he lays a finger on you, you will call the police. Tell him this. And be prepared to follow through.

I have a short temper and although don't shout at her I do shout her name to get her attention to stop her doing something she's not supposed to do. That's OK. She's a kid and she will do something to hurt herself if she isn't told.

He's fed up of having to keep throwing food away - this is my fault, we quite often have leftover portions when I cook and I forget to put them in the fridge. Can HE not put them in the fridge? And why must he have meals from fucking scratch that you've made for him every day anyway, while we're on food?

Both him and DD would be better off without me. NO, you and your DD would be better off without him.

This has nailed it. Everything you do is with him dragging you. Your dd won’t be lost without him, she’s never been able to rely on him. Your dd WOULD be a absolutely lost without you. Keep on making your plans. You will look back and realise how you are thinking through mud right now with the stress of engaging with him and having to work around him. Everything will be easier once you’ve escaped and got past this stage.

He left really early this morning, was out the door as I was getting up.

I'm now just really angry I'm this position again, how am I supposed to work and look after a toddler? I've done it a couple times when she was home ill, but that's different because she doesn't have any energy and is happy to just cuddle up with her teddies and watch Frozen.

I don't know whether I tell my boss or not, I can't imagine he's going to be happy. I did try the nursery and some childminders yesterday but they were either full or didn't get back to me. But if I don't say anything and don't get much done today he's going to wonder why. I can't afford to lose this job.

Would she watch TV for a good portion of the day? Don't feel bad about it, sometimes these things happen.

Will your boss actually notice if you don't get everything done by 5, can you finish up tonight when she's in bed?