To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

[JammyGem]

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

@NoSquirrels

He doesn't get paid extra to do the extra hours

He needs a very frank conversation with his employer, then. This is awful and exploitative. And it’s costing you as a family.

Not sure a conversation with someone comfortable with exploiting the staff is gonna do any good.

@NoSquirrels That's the reality of hospitality unfortunately. It's very common for those on a salary to not get paid any overtime- the line chefs and KPs often earn nearly the same amount because at least they get paid hourly!

If the industry is so short staffed, could he try applying elsewhere? Do you know whether all local catering jobs are the same? Are his colleagues constantly doing unpaid overtime, or is it mainly him?

Either way, childcare and the debts accruing from it are not solely your job to organise and pay! His unpaid overtime is making negative money when you take into account the childcare. I think you need to resplit the bills, so maybe you pay part of the fixed bills and he pays childcare.

OK so if he goes to work, tell him it is over. Leave and have to work 5 days a week and pay for childcare, your debts, clothes and toys for the child and rent and bills all on your own when you're not managing on 2 salaries.

Problem solved.

She does work five days a week, and I think he’d still have to pay child maintenance.

What a bloody horrible post.

You're right, it must be horrible for him and I know I'm being UR.

I just wish that when they ask him to work he would say that he can't, he's looking after his daughter, instead of just agreeing to it without even trying to push back and say no.

There's a lot of problems with our marriage, probably mostly caused by me and me being controlling by trying to get him to spend time with me and DD. It's probably best for both of us if we sit down and talk it through, and just accept that we may not be able to make it work.

It doesn’t sound like it’s working. There’s so many issues at play and he seems to be the one complicating your life. Would being a single parent make things easier in your mind and give you a clearer head and a more organised lifestyle?
It seems as though you are trying to organise parental responsibility and he just isn’t taking it seriously.

I have some sympathy with the idea that he may need to work beyond his contracted hours, particularly in hospitality when a lot of businesses are struggling to keep the lights on. So I would cut him a bit of slack in terms of having to be flexible with his shifts.

But why is it down to you to organise all the childcare?

If he expects to have to do tricky shifts as a matter of routine he needs to have a back-up plan which doesn't rely on screwing up your work schedule.

That's the point I'd die in a ditch over, not particularly his taking on extra work.

There is a slight issue that he may not have to pay child maintenance- he is not from the UK and I highly suspect that if we were to split he would move back to his home country. I don't think they can force him to pay maintenance if he doesn't live in the UK.

But I'll have to cross that bridge if I come to it.

*and the rest of for things like when I took out loans to cover the first few months of childcare when I came off of maternity leave.
This is not all your debt. Just like not a penny of the childcare costs for his days at work when he was supposed to be looking after your child are your costs.
Can you start planning? For this higher paid job you might get next year? He’s being exploited but he’s also letting you down again and again and expecting you to pick up the slack. The two of you would be £200 a month better off if he could say no to work he’s not paid for.

[quote JammyGem]@NoSquirrels That's the reality of hospitality unfortunately. It's very common for those on a salary to not get paid any overtime- the line chefs and KPs often earn nearly the same amount because at least they get paid hourly![/quote]
Then you’re right that he does need to push back on saying he has childcare responsibilities.

And when they say ‘but your DP can do it’ or ‘just put her in nursery’ etc he needs to say ‘DP is working’ and ‘we can’t afford to pay for the extra childcare’.

@Planetsandstars

She does work five days a week, and I think he’d still have to pay child maintenance.

What a bloody horrible post.

Child maintenance if he has dd half the time isn't that much. It isn't as much as having a second salary

What an ill thought out post. I said that because I KNOW she works 5 days a week.

Sorry you missed that or should I have said she will still have to work 5 days a week and pay for even more.

I don't What people want from.these threads. He can't get another job easily as his language and skills may prevent that. They need the money. They can't risk losing the job.

actonsquirrels post is just horrible so please ignore.

Catering is all he's ever known, plus his English isn't great and he can't work a computer, so there aren't many well-paid jobs he can change into.

So he could upskill but chooses not to? Because you conveniently do what is required. He knows you won't let him take dd in to work. Is he on a visa or UK resident?

@timeisnotaline

actonsquirrels post is just horrible so please ignore.

Actually it is realistic. She wants to leave. That's the reality if she does. Enjoy op

I highly suspect that if we were to split he would move back to his home country.

If he doesn’t care about spending time with your DD now, would move away from her if you split, and not even pay towards her upbringing, then I’d certainly be considering my position in the marriage too.

Sorry it’s so shit. Hope you can get it back on track.

OP, it seems there are much bigger issues at play here than him prioritising his job over his child (though that is of course a big problem) - namely his negligent parenting and his financial abuse of you.

As you are married legally ALL income/assets/debts belong to both you you (excluding perhaps those from previous to the marriage). The debt incurred from childcare fees is a JOINT responsibility, it's not just yours because it's in your name. She is your joint child! Similarly if you are paying for everything for her then he cannot say that you are not contributing anything simply because you don't pay rent or bills - you ARE paying bills, those for your joint child!

All income into a joint account. All bills out of that account, including rent, household bills, spending on the child, childcare fees, debt repayments (at least those from childcare). A set amount into savings in each of your names (some of your share to go towards paying off your debts previous to the marriage, if necessary), plus some in your child's name if affordable. A small, equal amount each in your own accounts for personal spending.

I would really really recommend CAP (Christians Against Poverty) if you are struggling financially. You don't have to be a Christian to use them, they just do it as part of what they believe to be their service to people as Christians, similar to running a community lunch club for the elderly to help prevent loneliness or whatever.

There's a lot of problems with our marriage, probably mostly caused by me and me being controlling by trying to get him to spend time with me and DD. It's probably best for both of us if we sit down and talk it through, and just accept that we may not be able to make it work

Are you being controlling trying to get him to spend time with you or is he not spending enough with his family? Partners who are around - don’t have to be forced to spend time with their partner and kids.

ActonSquirrel pretty sure nothing in your post is anything the OP already knows. You’re guilty of being irrelevant, I guess? Certainly not helpful, as you offer no solution or path forward. But yeah, enjoy.

No, actonsquirrel is right, that is the reality if I leave.

Honestly, it's exactly this thought that led to the suicide attempt a few weeks ago. I can't live like this anymore but I don't have a choice, but without him I cant cope financially.

and the rest of for things like when I took out loans to cover the first few months of childcare when I came off of maternity leave

Anything childcare related is BOTH of your debt. Don’t let him frame childcare as our responsibility.

Honestly I would sit down and work out what my position would be financially after a split if I were you. Do you rent or have a mortgage? Use an online benefit calculator to find out what you would be entitled to. You don’t sound happy in your marriage.

I'm currently self isolating with covid and have a dental abscess. it's a recurring problem after botched root canal treatment and my NHS dentist has referred me to a specialist but the appointment's not until October.

I need some antibiotics but obviously can't go to the dentist (even if I could get an appointment!) I called 111 on Friday and someone was supposed to call me back, no one did. I called my dentist this morning and they're point blank refusing to prescribe over the phone, and it's impossible to try and get through to my local GP practice.

I appreciate this is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things but nevertheless it's pretty miserable, plus I'm kinda concerned about the infection from the abscess spreading as I'm isolating until Friday, then it's the weekend followed by a bank holiday...

Anyone know any legitimate way I can get hold of some antibiotics before I resort to a pair of pliers?!

He doesn’t get paid for extra hours, so when he does this you jointly lose a day plus £200? Has he thought about what this extra working is costing him? He’s basically paying to work these days. Outrageous

There’s a lot to u pick here to be honest. Your financials don’t sound fair at all, the childcare doesn’t sound fair, his job sounds ridiculous and you aren’t getting any time together at all.

I worked in hospitality and I didn’t get paid for my over time - but I got time in lieu and I damn well took it. His job sounds ridiculous to be honest, they are not treating their staff well. If they’re that busy they need to take more staff on.

Can he look for a job elsewhere? He needs to start saying he can’t work extra shifts due to childcare duties and stand by that. Your finances should be equal - can you not pay everything into a. Joint account and just pay out of that, and maybe put some aside for yourselves each? Is there anyone else around who can help? Do you ever get any one on one time together?

Ooops, sorry - the pain is obviously going to my head!