To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

[JammyGem]

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

There's a lot of problems with our marriage, probably mostly caused by me and me being controlling by trying to get him to spend time with me and DD.

that's not being controlling!

He does need to be told that his current job is shit, for himself being exploited, for his family. Why sticking with the worst when you can improve your own life? Makes no sense. You stick with what you have until you find better, but you don't resign yourself to minimum pay, no life and no prospect.

Hey @JohnnyMarr you’ve posted on someone else’s thread by accident! Go onto the forums, choose your subject and press the cross button to start your own good luck with the tooth ache! (P.S, my dentist prescribes over the phone, so not sure what your dentists problem is? I’d be kicking off to see someone to be honest!)

Have you had any advice about your debts? There are solutions if debt is unaffordable. You should also regard it as low priority, ie you pay all your essential living costs first and only use what's left after that to pay your debts, or you seek a formal solution.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

Would you be able to afford to live without the debt and if you lived somewhere cheaper, even if it is sharing a 1 bed with your DD while she is small. If you found a small property with childcare within walking distance on your own, you'd get help with the cost of childcare and might be able to afford to live on your own.

It's 100% his responsibility to sort out childcare for his days off if he is called into work. You don't give it another thought. Hand over that mental load. Don't even tell him this, just assume it.

Show him the figures, that he would be better off in a lower position that paid hourly, than a salaried role where he's working double his contracted hours.

And if his unpaid hours mean he is pushed below minimum wage report the employer to HMRC.

I think it might help to reframe this. He's not got a 5 day a week job with 2 guaranteed days off, he has got a 7 day a week job where they occasionally grudgingly let him have a day off! I agree with the advice to see if he can renegotiate to a 6 day a week job where he refuses to work the 7th day, and then you can deal with the childcare issues arising. It is crazy to be paying £200 to work.

So are you saying as a family you lose money by him going in? As he isn't paid extra but you have to fork out for childcare. The only benefit is keeping his rip off employer sweet?

@Sparklfairy Yes exactly. I get the privilege of paying for childcare on one of only two days that he gets to see his daughter so that he can't work for free.

He does get a bonus every few months but it doesn't cover the cost of childcare, or make up for DD losing time with her dad who she absolutely adores.

*can work for free

I suppose it does keep his bosses sweet, so I guess it must benworth it in that sense.

Actually it is realistic. She wants to leave. That's the reality if she does. Enjoy op

Realistic when you are ignoring that she already works full time...

You need a amend your joint finances so he pays the extra childcare fees.

That extra money would pay for your driving lessons and give you some freedom.

One thing you need to do is make it clear that your DD's costs are not yours alone. You are absolutely contributing 50% to the household costs. If he wants more, he needs to stop announcing that you need to find emergency childcare. Spell out each time that it's costing the family £50 or however much.

And if you do split and he wants any kind of relationship with his child at all, he would have to find a different job or insist on his days off.

Can you attack the employer problem in a different way. From what you say about his hours and pay they are breaching minimum wage laws. If they do this to all or many of the employees they are getting thousands of pounds of work for free. Would you consider reporting the employer to HMRC so they could investigate and get everyone the pay they are owed. If they did take this up and the employer was found guilty they would have to pay properly and it wouldn't benefit them having too few staff for the work. It might force them to hire extra staff as they could save on employer NICs. Also is he the only one they do this to? If so there could be an element of race discrimination as well as you say he isn't from the UK. It might work as a roundabout way to get his employer to stop demanding extra shifts, but if not at least he would get paid properly for his work and it would ease the financial pressure for you.

don't make empty threats. It's pointless. If you're not going to leave then don't tell him you are. Every time you say it and don't go, you show him that he can carry on how he is and he just needs to ignore you saying you've had enough. He knows you will do nothing.

You need to look at your finances. The extra money needed for childcare on his days off should be covered by him giving up something. So what can go? You need to make him responsible for finding the money for childcare on days he is supposed to be with his child. Does he have a hobby? Going out money? Basically he needs to balance the books here, not you.

You are not being unreasonable! I'm concerned this is the impression you're taking from this thread, it's not going to help your mental health.

My DH and I both worked in the industry for years so I know how it goes but I also know your husband does have options.

First the staff shortages are dire but that's why he's unlikely to get sacked for not picking up shifts, they can't afford to lose good FT staff.

If he did get sacked, he would walk into another job right now.

But more important he could look for alternatives -- if you're in London or another big city, look for a restaurant or caterer in the financial district where they often close at weekends. Look for school or museum or corporate catering with shorter hours. Move to another area of the food industry, or become a driver.

If he won't consider any change, if he would have no problem leaving your child for good, then he is not worth staying with. Have you checked your benefit entitlements? Are you sure you're stuck?

I remember feeling like this with xh. Always seemed to put work first.
He quit (with nothing lined up because he was a twunt) and we really struggled financially. Careful what you wish for.
Sadly this is the reality in hospitality especially at the moment. I’m not sure why he’s not getting paid though? You shouldn’t be worse off financially.
Can you look at childcare closer to home?

Have you checked what you would be entitled to from the government if you were single? It would be helpful to understand your position.

@timeisnotaline

*and the rest of for things like when I took out loans to cover the first few months of childcare when I came off of maternity leave. This is not all your debt. Just like not a penny of the childcare costs for his days at work when he was supposed to be looking after your child are your costs. Can you start planning? For this higher paid job you might get next year? He’s being exploited but he’s also letting you down again and again and expecting you to pick up the slack. The two of you would be £200 a month better off if he could say no to work he’s not paid for.

Won't that just balance out if he pays half childcare she will have to pay half rent and bills?

@lannistunut

I think somehow you need to work together rather than against each other.

You are both being pretty unreasonable I think as you are not coming to an agreement about what needs to be done.

this^^ the system you have isn't working and I would have said that keeping a roof over her head and food on the table WAS putting the child first. Its past time for a calm grownup discussion not about WHO is right but about WHAT is right.

Also I hope you are able to get some support for your mental health. Please talk to someone in real life, and ask your GP for help. You shouldn't have to face these feelings alone.

@ancientgran if he had to pay the £200 childcare everytime he goes in for his unpaid overtime, he might think twice about doing so

£200 childcare I'm forking out out for each month on top of the usual fees...

as childcare fees do not affect him but they cause you to be financially stuck (can't afford driving lessons or anything you want to do) I would consider this as financial abuse.

Also if your days off are now being taken over by childcare when you were expecting to be able to switch off and have money to do some little things for yourself, this shows how little interest he has for your happiness.

I would find a way to move on.

Does he know it is costing £200 a month for him to work for free? Are you sure he is actually working and not just avoiding looking after your DD, or he might prefer being in work with his mates to doing childcare. I just can’t imagine anyone choosing to work when it is costing that, unless there is an ulterior motive!

Firstly the primary concern is your mental health, do you have any outside support (family etc) who can help you out/give you a break in the immediate/short term?

Secondly, could you seek advice from a debt advice service/citizens advice etc to rationalise your finances. This all seems a bit back to front, you say debts are from maternity leave/childcare costs - these aren’t your costs to shoulder alone. You’re having to find an extra £200 here and there to cover childcare that isn’t even being covered by the extra work he’s doing… so effectively compounding the debt.

If you can come up with a budget for your joint income and expenditure - once you have a figure for what he needs to bring in monthly, could he look at what jobs are around… if he’s effectively working for less than minimum wage with the unpaid overtime - perhaps he could looks at jobs which mean taking an hourly rate pay cut but actually be paid for every hour and earn more?

Also, if he were to refuse to do the extra (many parents can’t just drop everything and come into work at short notice) he may have the law on his side if they threaten to sack him (minimum wage/work time directive or whatever they must be breaching if they threaten his job. Maybe contact ACAS to discuss his employment rights.) Is this a family business OP which makes it harder to say no?

It must be difficult for you to see the wood for the trees right now, but it might be worth contacting women’s aid to discuss the whole situation - it is a worry you are feeling suicidal but also trapped in this situation without feeling you have the option to leave if you needed to.

Just to play devil's advocate for a moment, my DH recently handed in his notice and was running a hotel/ wedding venue. He would regularly work 14 hour days, 8 days on the bounce and it shot his mental health to shit. If he wasn't at work he would either get calls constantly about menial issues or had to go in and it was horrible for us both, though obviously much worse for him.

I appreciate it must be a lot harder with kids in the mix, but feeling like he has no choice but to go in on his days off must be horrid. Would he consider looking at other work?