To tell him if he goes to work it's over?

[JammyGem]

We both work full time, me a usual 9-5 type job WFH and him in hospitality. DH is supposed to have 2 set days off a week, where he looks after DC while I work.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute. I don't drive so getting DC to/from childcare is a pain and means getting up early to get there with enough time for me to return home to start work (I don't mind if it's the usual days but I look forward to my lie-ins on his days off where I don't have to get up at 6.30). It's been a big issue in our marriage as he often misses birthdays, anniversaries etc because he gets called in. I've made it clear the last few time that it's enough and I won't put up with it anymore, he needs to stick up for himself and say no. It's not fair on me and DD, especially as with his work hours she only sees him those 2 days a week. We don't have any time as a family except for my two lunch breaks on those days.

He text yesterday to say he'll be going into work Tuesday (one of his days off). I said it was too late to organise childcare and he can't. He says he'll take DD in with him. I've told him that it's not safe. We haven't spoken since he got home last night because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth it'll be to tell him if he goes to work tomorrow then our marriage is over. I'm sick of him thinking his work is the most important thing in the world and me and DD having to just deal with it.

He should be responsible for finding childcare and delivering your child to that care when he works on his days off.

But really, he needs to address the bigger issue. I’ve got a close family member who is a chef and he quickly realized that getting promoted to salary was rarely worthwhile. He makes more money being on an hourly wage and it’s also much more reflective of his real time worked. Now, he is the lower earner of the couple and has his wife’s steady salary to provide consistency, so there is that caveat. It’s still worth doing the math. If your husband is not doing the computer work that becomes necessary at certain levels, it’s highly unlikely he is better off on a salary. His current employer is unlikely to be willing to switch because it will cost them money, but the beauty is that he can easily find a new job right now.

He won’t get fired if he doesn’t go in as where would his boss go to find someone to work for free

I have a friend who’s Dh worked in catering. Worked incredibly long and unsociable hours for what on the face of it looked like a good salary but again he would work on his days off and ultimately like you have found when you put down his hours of work it came to below minimum wage.
His boss had come from the same place as he had come from and he had worked for him since arriving in this country when he didn’t speak any English.
Ultimately it was a cultural thing and there was no way of breaking those ties.
Eventually it took her 14 years to divorce him.
14 years of being ground down, treated like a 2nd class citizen to what his boss wanted 14 years without a holiday
14 years of being on her own.

How did you two get together if his boss would call him in randomly on his days off

You say you can’t afford to leave but can you afford to stay

Life is ticking by and let’s face it being a single parent is going to be so much better than the life you are living. At least you can make plans and organise yourself.
It isn’t as though your Dh is going to have time to see his dc if he is working all the time.

He doesn’t know how to organise childcare is that because he thinks it is beneath him. That is a woman’s job

As an aside are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to?

What happens if you said you would organise childcare for his days when it is supposed to be his free days and when he goes to work for free. But he is going to have to pay for it.
His boss expects people to work for free and he might be willing to work for free but the reality is him going in to work for free is actually costing you money.
Has he not realised the reason you as a couple are short of money is because he is not working for free but actually paying to go to work.

This seems really awful for your whole family. Is it really legal?

I’m in the US with some pretty bad labor laws, but in a company I worked for they swept through and made them reclass people that work like this from salaried to hourly. Now they must be compensated for all hours they work. It really sounds like they are taking advantage of him, especially since he’s from another country and not a native English speaker.

I hope you two can find a way to look at this as a problem you have together and work on solving it. If he lost his job because he stopped meeting their expectations it would be terrible.

You attempted suicide a few weeks ago? What support do you have now? Are you talking to your GP or other professionals? I hope today is a better day.

Your husband chooses to go to work (unpaid) instead of looking after his daughter as arranged? He may be UR, I don't know. But he 100% should be sorting childcare if he can no longer provide it himself.

I am concerned that if you split he would leave the UK. That puts you in a precarious situation. It would be prudent to have a Plan B ready, in any case - that suggests low commitment to his family, to me.

Wishing you well.

Good chefs are like gold dust in the industry at the minute so I would ask him again to look at a new employer. If he’s not going for head chef / second chef roles computer skills aren’t essential. Even if the stated salary is less than what he’s on he can negotiate up, it could lead to him earning more if that place gives chefs tips and his current job doesn’t. He can also state his terms, e.g. 5 days set rota etc. If he does want a better job the next 2 months are key because once furlough / VAT reductions etc finish the landscape will change again.
Another route he could look at is working for an agency who again are crying out for people, then he can choose when and where he works and the pay can be better too but not as secure.

it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute.
It shouldn't be. She's his child too.

He doesn't know how to arrange it apparently Is he not embarrassed to be a grown adult and not know how to do this? Have you asked him?

when we had DD he promised he would put her first- in fact that was a condition of us having children in the first place.

They all say this^ then the woman is left (literally) holding the baby, I've been there. If I were you I wouldn't have any more kids with him.

I'm just going to have to stick it out until I can earn enough to be independent.

I honestly think this would be a mistake.

I can't live like this anymore but I don't have a choice, but without him I cant cope financially.

You'd be entitled to benefits, so not like you'd have nothing. You'd get 15 hours free nursery for your dd, maybe you could (if affordable) do driving lessons then?

Why are you paying for the childcare? Honestly never ceases to amaze me how many men out there have kids willy nilly, then somehow have the attitude that they're 100% the mothers responsibility and 0% theirs.

He keeps saying he'll look for another job and I've been keeping am eye out too. But whenever I find something that I think he'd like, there's always an issue - it's too far, no set days off, a friend of a friend of a friend worked there and didn't like it etc etc.

He's an executive chef and has lots of experience, but although he can use basic computer programs he does struggle, he's definitely more a pen and paper man. His salary isn't great for the role but he has control over the kitchen (which he didn't have in his last few jobs and this was a huge reason as to why he took this role) plus they agreed to his two set days off, which is like golddust in hospitality. Wouldn't be so bad if they actually let him have those days off though.

@wizzywig

It may be more helpful to get advice from others who are married to chefs. Are you doing all you can to manage your mental health?

I was married to a chef.

The 'was' would pretty much constitute my advice in the subject tbh.

He is a good dad
Another one who has set this bar very low.

A good dad doesn’t decide to go to work when he is supposed to the looking after his child.

A friend’s chef husband started working for a company that produced high end, hand cooked ready meals. It has changed their life - not working antisocial hours any more.

I think you need to get out of this set up. Be that a full on separation or like that having one last talk and following through something needs to change here. It’s literally sending you to the grave by the sounds of things, can you get any help for free with the kids temporarily given the circumstances? Could grand parents on both sides help till you get on your feet?

Of course he can arrange childcare but he doesn't have to as he knows you'll do it.
Tbh it doesn't sound like he's very nice to you or a good dad. Considering that you are suffering with your mental health he should be putting you and your daughter first.
Don't let him take her to work as he obviously can't look after her properly even at home.
His work are taking the piss majorly though. Why doesn't he get paid for doing extra? I don't know anyone who'd go in if they weren't being paid.
He needs to say no or insist he gets paid. He's probably better off looking for another job though. It might involve a pay cut but surely would save you £200 on extra nursery fees.

they agreed to his two set days off, which is like golddust in hospitality. Wouldn't be so bad if they actually let him have those days off though.

Their ‘agreement’ is worthless though, isn’t it?

I think you are fundamentally not working together. He probably has no realistic choice of turning overtime down and maybe you could be more understanding of that, but equally it shouldn’t then fall to you to sort out childcare.

But you sound unreasonable too, it struck me that you say when he has his two days off, it means you get to stay in bed and presumably he has to do everything at home, why is that? When does he get a lie in, work five days a week and then accommodating your lie ins the other two if he manages to get two days off that is.

He is frequently being asked to come into work on his days off, and then it's left down to me to organise childcare last minute

He doesn't know how to arrange it apparently. Besides, it's not really his problem as he leaves for work early, so if he didn't arrange anything it wouldn't affect him

He is a good dad

He's not a good dad.

His work are taking the piss majorly though. Why doesn't he get paid for doing extra? I don't know anyone who'd go in if they weren't being paid

This is the set up in some restaurants and take away places. It is usually because people who come over here to work who speak little or no English get a job in a business run by people who speak their language and it is almost like a community thing where they feel obliged/want/choose to stay.

Aprilx her dh’s isn’t working overtime for money. He is choosing to go in and work for free and doing that costs £200 per month.

It sounds to me that he doesn’t actually want to look after your DD for two days a week and would rather go into work. Are you sure he is actually being asked to go in, as it sounds extremely unlikely that he would be asked to do whole extra days for no pay.

He sounds an awful neglectful father anyway so she is probably better off in childcare than with him, to be honest.

@Aprilx When I said lie in bed, I meant I can stay in bed an extra hour and get up at half 7 instead of half 6. I don't just lie around, I'm still at work those days. As for housework, he does the washing up each day and sweeps the floor maybe once a week. I do everything else in my lunch breaks usually, or in the hour between eating dinner and bed.

To give context, my usual day if he's working is:
6.30 Get up, get me and DD ready
7.20 Leave to get bus to nursery, drop DD off, bus or walk back
8.50 Arrive home, just enough time for a cuppa before starting work
5pm Finish work, rush out door to pick up DD from nursery
6:45pm Home, play with DD for half hour or so, bath, bedtime routine
8pm Cook dinner (DH isnt a fan of ready meals so usually from scratch, it takes time)
Around 9pm DH is home, eat dinner
Until 10.30pm Housework or have a nice bath if I'm lucky
10.30-11pm Bed

So sorry if I really enjoy the extra hour lie in I get 2 days a week. He often doesn't get up until way after I've started work at 9. My days off are the weekend, and admittedly I do occasionally get to sleep in but generally DD is up at the crack of dawn so I'm usually up by 7.

She probably is better off in childcare - he does tend to fob her off with the tablet or TV so doesn't play with her a lot (maybe an hour maximum across the day) but we can't afford childcare for 5 days.

You should not have to cook dinner from scratch for him every night, that's ridiculous. You should make something for you and DD, he can have leftovers or fend for himself (he should get free meals at work anyway).

Your relationship sounds deeply unequal -- 'your' debt is not just yours, it's family debt; childcare costs should be shared; he should parent your child properly when he's not at work.

If you share more about your financial circumstances, maybe we can offer some advice on how to make a split more possible. He is not a good father or husband.

He simply wouldn't be allowed to take a 2 yo into a busy kitchen. He's bluffing. It gives him a convenient way to say he's offered to sort childcare when he really hasn't

Say 'ok' next time he suggests it, and see what happens - he won't take her (or he will and his boss will throw a fit).

I don't think he understand the impact of those extra days on your finances because you pay it all. Why not switch it around, so his work goes on the childcare bills and yours pays rent/council tax etc. That'll also stop him complaining that he pays for everything.

...and sort out the housework. If you both work FT, there's no reason you should be doing more than half.

Well I just tried to talk to him and he exploded, listed all my faults (which to be fair are many and all he said is true) and has told our daughter that mummy and daddy will be getting a divorce.

He's now gone out to get some shopping with her.

So I guess that's it.

If your finances were shared more fairly, you might feel less bad about the whole situation.

Get your 'paper & pen' man to join you in working out a better arrangement so that you both contribute to the rent etc and both contribute to the childcare / child clothes / child toys.
That way it won't seem as though he is 'paying for everything' while your money seems to just disappear.
Make sure that the extra cost of childcare is added to his share, also.

Oh.
Unhappily cross-posted.

He is being nasty.