Online dating - what makes you immediately swipe left?

[aurynne]

We are back in lockdown in New Zealand after Delta variant cases were found in the community. In boredom, I have reactivated my online dating profile. Oh God, there we go again.

I thought I'd ask what makes you immediately swipe a potential partner's profile left? I wonder whether I am very superficial or if this is common among women (I am in my 40s):

• Very bushy beards - I don't mind a tidy beard, but bushes where bats can nest put me right off. New Zealand men appear to favour this look and I find it rank.

• Topless main profile photo - urgh!

• A smiling man holding a large fish - another urgh

• Photos of their car. I don't give a shit about your car. Especially when it's a decrepit crappy car... really?

• Pouting. It's bad enough in teenage girls. It's worse in middle-age women. But in a grown man? It's just bloody creepy. No.

• Spelling mistakes in their profile - this is a thing for me, I am very anal about spelling and grammar. I am fully aware I will be swiping left on lovely men, but I imagine a life of "your beautiful" and I gag.

What are your personal left-swipe triggers?

Isn't there an argument for fairly unflattering shots - at least you know what you're getting.

@aurynne

Do some men prefer women without eyebrows?

This is probably a personal thing really, personally I don’t really go for the heavily made up, drawn on eyebrow look, but that’s just me, I like a more natural look, but I’m sure some guys would love this

@category12

Isn't there an argument for fairly unflattering shots - at least you know what you're getting.

Well yeah, none of mine are flattering as I’m butt ugly and no amount of makeup helps me 😩

Eyeliner is never wasted.

Just look at Adam Ant.

@JustAnother0ldMan

Hey can anyone elaborate on why car selfies are bad? I don't have one but isn't it just a picture where you're sitting inside your car and you've done a face selfie?

So I see these on a lot of profiles (I’m male, so I’m taking female profiles here), and they tend to taken from the drivers seat, so it’s really really close up , with no framing, some times shopping on the back seat, or in a Tesco car park, sometimes at night with the flash on, they just seem really unflattering ( sorry 😣)

Shopping in the back seat 😂😂😂

I prefer a car selfie over a bathroom mirror selfie, especially when the latter involves a dirty mirror 🤮 and a lovely view of the toilet (lid and seat up, natch).

I can't see an awful problem with shopping in the back seat - at least you know they have money to buy groceries and what supermarket they choose .

Don't like toilet/bathroom selfies, cos eww.

@DismantledKing

No blurb but ‘ask me anything’ Sparkly fucking filters; actually any filters Car selfies Toilet selfies Women that looked like Mutha Bacon from Viz

@category12 yes there are way worse things to be in the background! Still made me chuckle. I can't see anything wrong with a car selfie though, if the guy looks good it's not going to put me off that he's simply sitting in his car.

And the "own house own car" comments are useful to me, my range is late 20s to late 30s so there's a lot that don't have those things. One guy had "own house" in his bio, turns out it was on rent and he lived with his folks 🙄 also he didn't have a car. Massive turn off for me

My range is higher (45 to 55), so almost everyone drives and owns or rents.
I find the pictures tend to fall into 2 broad categories for me
All taken at the same time, so same background (normally indoors, ), same clothing / hair/ make-up, all quite similar
Or
One selfie and 2 or 3 shots from holiday/ family events/ nights out etc where the person always looks a bit different and some times hard to tell if the same person or not 🤷🏼‍♂️

what supermarket they choose

Oh, is this a thing now, will people look down at me because I shop at Tesco not Waitrose? 😢

I did online dating pre tinder and it was bad then. Reading this, I would never do it again!
My sympathy to all of you trying to navigate it.
I wonder why it's become so hard to meet people the old fashioned way.

@JustAnother0ldMan

what supermarket they choose

Oh, is this a thing now, will people look down at me because I shop at Tesco not Waitrose? 😢

God knows, I just meant it as a silly thing.

@Thortful

I did online dating pre tinder and it was bad then. Reading this, I would never do it again! My sympathy to all of you trying to navigate it. I wonder why it's become so hard to meet people the old fashioned way.

I don't necessarily think it has. I don't use online dating and only meet people the old fashioned way.

I think part of the problem is that, whilst there are many 'functioning' people who use online dating, it's where those who can't find anyone the old fashioned way also hang out.

Ince you get past 35ish, I think that many women who use it do so because they have children/caring responsibilities and don't get out as much whereas a lot of men who use it do so because they can get out but there either aren't the women there when they do or they lack the social skills to interact with them.

I also thinonthat social.media has warped what people want/think they want. The women only post overly filtered pictures because they think it makes them look more like the insta models they think men want. I think men have bought increasingly into the idea that women are only interested in buff men over 6ft with 6 figure salaries.

Added to that the sweet shop mentality where there is always someone new to try and the Amazon mentality that means people think they will find what they want if they ask for specifics with an increasing number of filters to get exactly what they want.

I have several friends who are single in their 30s, 40s, and 50s who use online dating. They have a combination of issues - extreme people pleasing; desire to heal a broken heart; social anxiety; looking for the elasive unicorn to save them... none of which are conducive to finding love. Not only that but it's such an artificial way of doing things. It's one giant 'pick me' dance based purely on looks and the hopes and dreams of the often desperate.

Yes, interesting @GreyCarpet I think you're probably right.
I've spent more time than I should on MN recently so I've begun to think that perhaps it's the norm. I'm glad to hear that it isn't, and of course an Internet forum will attract many of the people who are interested in meeting people on dating sites (not all, obviously)
But I imagine you are right in a lot of what you say.

I don’t mind fish or outdoors shots… I’m more inclined to believe you like hiking if you have all the gear. Love sapiosexuals like me.

Off-putting:

dirty/very dated/institutional decor in the background.
Dogs around faces or on furniture
All pics are at the pub
Photos obviously several years old
Poor spelling and grammar

‘X has not written anything yet. Perhaps he is shy.’ Perhaps he’s lazy.

@Thortful

I did online dating pre tinder and it was bad then. Reading this, I would never do it again! My sympathy to all of you trying to navigate it. I wonder why it's become so hard to meet people the old fashioned way.

Just to put the other side across, as 50 something man, my opportunities to meet matching female’s is limited, my work is almost 100% male, (have been WFH since March last year so some weeks don’t have contact with anyone), my hobby is 90% male, like a lot of men, friendships are mostly male (so no matching up). And I live in a semi rural location. At least With OLD I can actually find females in my age group, but even this has issues, for every 100 profiles will be about 5 people I message, probably 2 with block, 2 will ignore and 1 might respond

As an aside, while I was out on my bike 🚲 yesterday nearly ran over some woman’s dog, she was very apologetic, we had a 5 minute chat, the most I’ve spoken to an unknown woman from months !

Oh yes I’d forgotten about posing next to a (drugged) tiger
That’s an immediate swipe left. I couldn’t possibly even entertain the idea of a date with anyone that’s fine with the exploitation of animals

I'm of similar vintage, and I really like those sort of chats

@JustAnother0ldMan sorry i meant to quote your post

@DisgruntledPelican unfortunately in my experience so many don't have own house or car!
I had a few dates with a guy a couple of years ago who was living in his brother's back bedroom which was decorated in a 9 year old boy's style.
Or another guy who was renting a room off a friend who was renting a flat.
Both nice guys. Both too scared to tackle their ex-wives about selling the family home to get their share of the capital.
Call me heartless but it put me right off!

@JustAnother0ldMan I'm early fifties too ..

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

dirty/very dated/institutional decor in the background

Damn, this means I'll have to delete those pre-release Broadmoor photos.

@Macaroni46
So what’s it like as female trying to date in our age range, ‘cos as a man it’s pretty crap

I'm a bloke and have not been OLD for some time but for me the big turn offs on profiles generally had the following:

"I like the finer things in life" - I don't open my purse on dates

"Impress me" - I'm not your performing monkey

"I love laughing" - insightful

"My friends tell me I look like…[name of gorgeous star]." - well your photos suggest otherwise

"Don't bother messaging me if…" - Long list of preferences that rule out 99% men

"As a Taurus...." - grow up

"I'm crazy/whacky/my friends think I'm mad" - yes, yes you are

Any professional studio photos/filters/bunny ears

Text speak or crap spelling

No written profile except for a pithy "message me if you want to know more"

Too many pet cat photos

Clichéd doing a hand stand on beach in Thailand photo