Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

Too much for me, I'd feel smothered.

There's a book often mentioned on here called 'Why men love a Bitch' or something like that. It postulates that you should be less avaliable, less of a door mat and not as keen basically.

I'd find you a bit overwhelming tbh, although you'd make a fabulous mate!

OP in the nicest possible way you sound like a complete lapdog and very stifling. If you met someone who actively likes you doing all that then fine, but otherwise you are presenting as unbearably needy.

Some of those would be too much for me.

In particular 3,4,5,6,8,9.

I’d be uncomfortable with you cleaning for me but I would probably be able to get past that.

But the rest would be too much for me.

I’m sorry x

For me it would be totally smothering and overwhelming, even if it came from a good place.

The people ive dated who have been this way have been like it in multiple relationships, to the point it all feels impersonal. Sort of acting out what they think an identikit 'romantic boyfriend' should do and then wanting praise and reassurance about them having successfully performed that role constantly.

A lot of the stuff on your list is invasive and inappropriate, although again I know you don't mean for it to be.

Do you think it may stem from a deep rooted fear people won't love you enough to stay with you if you don't do those things?

I THINK I do these things because I enjoy them. But then I wonder if I enjoy them because I get a reaction, reassurance from it? If that makes sense.

I do love cleaning and cooking but if I’m honest I would probably rather spend 30 quid on some make up for myself than a random gift for a partner for no reason or occasion. Then I wonder if I do it because I am insecure in some way.

My latest DP is starting to take me for granted and I suddenly thought hang on…this is a pattern and perhaps this is me causing this because I do too much all the time. Seems so based on the replies.

You sound lovely but I can see why some people might lose respect for a partner who was so giving and selfless. Sadly there is some truth in the idea that men love a bitch. We can all try and figure out why or feel annoyed that our very kind traits go unappreciated but honestly - spend more of that time and energy on yourself, your own friends and family and on being happy without a man, maybe then the passive aggressive comments wouldn’t be a thing.

With the best will in the world, you’re doing too much.

Personally, I'd find it too much. 7 is nice but the rest I would find stifling and end the relationship.

I have a friend who is similar to you and she struggles in relationships because they seem to like it early on and then feel a bit overwhelmed and consumed by her.

I would hate someone coming in and cleaning house and trying to make a difference to my home in some way. I dumped someone because I kept coming home.from.work to find they'd left 'thoughtful gifts' in my porch. It just made me feel on edge, especially as he kept offering to come and do stuff in my garden. I live in a terraced house and so part of my garden is freely accessible from the road. I just felt I couldn't ever relax.

It's thebsort of thing that always looks really nice in romcoms but is quite intrusive in real life!

I'd hazard a guess that you were told as a child that - to be liked - you had to be a 'good' girl, which meant doing all the things you've listed above...because if you didn't no one would like you.

Does this ring true?

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes it does stem from that. As soon as I fall for someone I am desperate to be perfect and I guess it fulfils some sort of panic in me to think well I did x, y and z so surely they won’t leave me now…

But of course that’s not true is it. You can never be sure someone won’t leave. I’m a mess.

You sound completely smothering and quite servile, really.
Not attractive at all. Why would you go into someone else's home to cook and clean, like an unpaid domestic? How do you think these people managed before they met you?

@Sarahlou63

I'd hazard a guess that you were told as a child that - to be liked - you had to be a 'good' girl, which meant doing all the things you've listed above...because if you didn't no one would like you.

Does this ring true?

@Sarahlou63 I was told I had to be a certain way and men don’t like x or y, yes. I feel like a bit of a mess to be honest. And very worried I’ve already started pushing this new man away when I really did click with him.

I would find this to be too much and see a lot of what you are doing as taking over. In other words controlling. And I can’t be doing with passive aggressive and demands for my time.

Surely the problem is that you change completely! You behave in one way for 6 months and the men who like that kind of person/ woman/ like that in a partner stick around/ fall in love with you... Then you change into a totally different type of person!

A person who goes for strong, independent, confident, self reliant, slightly aloof personalities isn't going to be thrilled when that person suddenly becomes essentially the opposite of that!

Loads of men (and some women) would give their right arm to be with someone who wanted to cook and clean for them and run around after them and buy them things and dote on their parents etc. Just not the same men and women who are attracted to an independent, self reliant, slightly aloof partner!

Sorry OP, I agree with others..... I would find this intrusive and it feels a bit unhealthy.... the housecleaning would be especially intrusive to me and the passive aggressive neediness would be a huge red flag. ...

I would suggest doing some therapy or growth work to understand why you do this..? I am sure you are a lovely person but do think these behaviours could put off a lot of perfectly reasonable people.

Have a read of this;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

As much as anything, I like my own time and have my own friends and life and I wouldn't respect someone who was so subservient. I'd also feel quite insulted that they felt these efforts were required - I'm quite capable of cooking and cleaning in my own home.

@ShitShop

You sound lovely but I can see why some people might lose respect for a partner who was so giving and selfless. Sadly there is some truth in the idea that men love a bitch. We can all try and figure out why or feel annoyed that our very kind traits go unappreciated but honestly - spend more of that time and energy on yourself, your own friends and family and on being happy without a man, maybe then the passive aggressive comments wouldn’t be a thing.

With the best will in the world, you’re doing too much.

@ShitShop do you think I’ve ruined things again this time? I can sense my partner is pulling away at the usual 7/8 month mark, just as I’ve started doing all these things in the last few weeks. Is it too late?

if a man done those things to me before the 6 month mark id run a mile tbh

Quite apart from whether I'd feel smothered by any of that, I'd feel extremely disconcerted if someone who was level-headed and dismissive for 6 months transformed their personality like that.

I know where it's coming from - you're standoffish until you decide you can trust someone - but if I was your partner I'd feel like I didn't know you any more, or you weren't who I was originally interested in.

Some of the behaviours you listed are nice, all of them together would be smothering for me, and 6 would be an instant deal-breaker.

My boyfriend cleans if he’s here and I struggle with it. I pay for more stuff on days out because I earn more than he does. He struggles with that.

But I don’t do any of the other things on your list. And I’d find them hard to deal with.

I definitely think I wouldn't be the kind of person you would go for as I would find these things far to much and maybe like you don't respect others space/ time/ boundaries.

Cleaning my house while I'm out I would hate. By all means clean up after yourself but if I came home to you having thoroughly cleaned my house I'd feel like you'd been snooping or something, it's feel a little violating to me.

Passive aggressive messages if you don't like you've been contacted enough would annoy me as it's not up to you how free I am to talk to you and if I feel like I want a bit of time to myself I should be able to have that.

Sending stuff to family members, again would feel pushy and annoying. It's up to me how involved you'd be with my family and after a year or so I probably wouldn't have even introduced you to family so I'd feel like you were forcing your way in regardless of my feelings.

Weekly "I miss you" emails would also be too much for me.

Although maybe some people like this sort of thing. I once dumped a boyfriend for turning up unannounced at my house and expecting me to see him. So I expect I wouldn't be the kind of person you'd want to date anyway.

There's an implied criticism and infantalisation that goes with taking over someone's time and space to this extent.

Cleaning someone's house is a bit invasive and the emailing thing is weird.

I mean I do think it depends on the relationship dynamic. My and DH have always been quite intense I think, we've been together 10 years and certainly always spoke a lot more than other couples I know... But that works for us. You need to be aligned.

I’m actually thinking about that @Warrickdaviesasplates. I have been dating the boyfriend since June. I could’ve even tell you his mums name. Never mind send her stuff. He hasn’t met my kids and won’t for ages. He’s meeting one of my friends this weekend. And that’s the first.