Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

Honestly? You sound ott and I think it would be very off-putting.

It makes me think of teen boyfriends I had that were too keen and lap dog like.

I'm not sure any partner would cope well with your drastic personality change a few months in to things. When you meet them you're breezy, aloof, fun to be around .. is this an act to reel them in?

You sound far too intense, you're putting far too much responsibility on a new partner to fulfil all your emotional needs and dictate your mood.

I would feel violated if a new partner tidied and cleaned my home while I was out. You're essentially going through all their belongings, opening cupboards, drawers, looking at paperwork etc. It's overstepping.

I would also suggest therapy to help you get some strong, consistent boundaries and also to keep you accountable. You'd rather spend £30 on yourself than on a panic buy designed to try and keep a hold on the person you're seeing. If you're in therapy, you can make that a goal and then the next session you need to talk about how it went - did you manage to stick to it? How did that feel? What did it change? Etc etc.

This is going to be hard to hear because you've been raised to be a people pleaser but I was seeing a guy once who was almost exactly like you describe yourself in your first post. He thought of himself as loving, giving, generous... but the behaviours he exhibited (the same as yours) are actually incredibly manipulative and calculated. They are designed to make the other person feel obligated to stay with you, to feel bad if they don't like those things (pass agg texts make this even worse) and set them up to be the bad guy when the truth is they might just not see a future with you.

You say he's taking you for granted now but it might just be that he doesn't like the things you're doing and feels smothered - so he isn't taking you for granted because the stuff you think he should be grateful for is stuff he hasn't asked for and doesn't need.

I understand that all probably sounds horrible and that's not my intention - it's just I've been on the receiving end and with one ex it got to the stage where I had to use my counselling sessions (for unrelated PTSD) to formulate a plan of how to word a 'this is over' text because he would guilt trip me / send me flowers after I ended it then keep trying to contact me to 'check I got them' aka just keep a line of communication open to guilt trip me with.

It's really destructive and manipulative behaviour even if it comes from a place of hurt and trauma within you, with no intention of upsetting the other person. Working on that with a professional could be life changing for you.

The other thing is that nice guys will find this totally overwhelming and smothering, but arseholes and abusers could really buy into it leaving you vulnerable to them.

Have you posted about this before? Very similar post recently. Especially the cleaning their houses and cooking thing? Do you leave fresh flowers on their sideboard too?

You are turning into 'perfect wife and mother's once it starts getting serious. They then run for the hills because you smother them and get clingy.

I would find you far too much. I'd definitely not be attracted. I don't want someone taking over my life and intruding to such an extent. I don't want passive aggressive comments, demands on my time or the exhausting sounding cards/gifts/messages and contact with my family.

And I definitely don't want you in my home, poking around when I'm not there. I don't care if you're "cleaning". I don't want you there.

I'd find you smothering and stalkerish if I'm honest.

Thanks for replies and @Sarahlou63 for the link.

I just want to be the best I can be I suppose. It’s not an act at the start, but as soon as I feel I can trust someone I jump right in. I guess I feel like it is topping up a coin machine so I have longer before they leave me. Fuck me that’s a pathetic sentence.

Yes, many of those things would put me off.

I think I would start to feel pressured to respond in similar fashion, and wouldn't want to.

Sending photos of you in an email I'd find a bit weird.

Insecure/PA text messages would definitely put me off.

I wouldn't like surprise trips booked without my knowledge, but then I hate surprises.

It all sounds very smothering to me.

I would find that overwhelming tbh. I’m bi and have dated women, so it’s not just a case of “men love a bitch” as “many humans would find that to be too much”. You sound like a lovely generous person, but I’m not sure how many of the nice things on your list are actually about doing something you know your partner would appreciate (does anyone really want a weekly couple picture email?) as they are about trying to weld you together in spite of your insecurities.

I don’t think they’d like the house cleaning part, almost like you are trying to move in.
Agree with pp though, you seem thoughtful and must be a lovely friend.
I wouldn’t do the email thing either personally.

Yes that would definitely be overwhelming for me.

Do have a look at Why Men Marry Bitches - the title put me off for years but it's basically how not to be a doormat. Men (and women) are generally attracted to those who don't give everything of themselves for a kind word. It suggests a lack of self esteem and a need for external validation.

I would personally find the level of texting / emailing too much for me, but others might, it's a personal thing.

3, 4, 5, 6 would put me off.
It's all a bit needy and controlling.
Some of the other stuff are quite nice but you don't need to try so hard.
You need to think more often about how lucky they are to have you.

I hate cleaning, so if someone I had been seeing for 6 months wanted to clean my house for me they would be very welcome to do so. ‘The Jif & the Flash are in the cupboard under the sink, mate. Crack on!’

However, I would think numbers 3, 8 & 9 on your list were too full on for that length of a relationship. At that stage, we should be having fun & getting to know one another.

Number 6 would be a massive red flag. I would be worried about WTF this behaviour was going to escalate into.

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

To give you some context as to how I function in a relationship.

I saw the boyfriend weekend before last. He was away last weekend. He texted me on Tuesday when he got back. I texted him Wednesday with some news, and he just texted me there to see what plans we could make for the weekend.

He’s coming over Sunday evening and staying over.

I’ll kick him out early doors because he’s got work and I’m off on me hols for a week and I’ll text him when I get back. Might send a sunning myself by the pool pic to make him weljel.

@Msanlst

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

That would freak me out. Sorry.

Is this person a partner 6/7 months in? Aren’t they just a boyfriend.

6 months in? Far far far too much and very much of the controlling, taking over, yet somehow being a stepFord wife doormat too - such a weird dynamic.

Cooking and cleaning? Not your job. I'd assume you were snooping too.

Paying for stuff? Ok as an occasional surprise but not regularly, and only if reciprocated to the same approximate level.

Weekly emails with photos? Uurrgghh red flag of neediness 🤮

Sending cards and gifts? Again like paying for stuff WHY? And is he spoiling you back?

"Make a difference to their home" - don't you think adults have their home the way they like it? Why would they need you coming in and "fixing" or bringing stuff? Seems really infantilising, like you see them as a project that needs tarted up.
You should be enough of a "gift" for him without going all Miss Bountiful/Housekeeper on him.

Sending stuff to family? Oh god no. Back off, right off. "Tell your Dad I'm hoping he's on the mend" yeah ok but that's the limit.

I'm not surprised they run an absolute mile when you radically change into "Miss Weirdly Needy but I can pay you to love me" on them.

This is harsh but I hope you understand why, you need to look at this pattern and STOP it.

@Msanlst

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

If you're being really honest though, are you doing that because you genuinely think it will make him happy, make him smile, make his day OR are you doing it because it's a way of keeping you front of mind and present because you find it hard to deal with the idea of him forgetting you / not missing you / just getting on with his day?

It altogether sounds too much. Especially number 6. That is a BIG no no, in any relationship at any time

1, 3, 6 and 9 would be far too much for me and I would feel very stifled. Cleaning my house when I was out would feel extremely intrusive to me and I thing the weekly emails sounds a bit bonkers/ weird if I’m honest. The fact that you change so much a few months into a relationship would be a major red flag for me. I would feel like all this time I hadn’t really got to know the ‘real’ you and would wonder what other surprises would be lurking in our future.
From your posts you sound lovely, but you clearly have some issues/ insecurities that you need to address. I think you would struggle to maintain a healthy relationship without working through these and would advise counselling as a starting point. Remove yourself from dating etc for a while and just work on yourself. You will feel so much happier and stronger for it.

And leaving wine on the doorstep is a bit creepy OP - surely as a grown up you either say can I pop by or you don't say anything at all. Leaving the note and wine feels like a very sort of coquettish way of getting him to ask you in or to say 'why didn't you just ask to come over? You should have!' as that's what you want to hear...

I think you need to really interrogate your motivations here as I think they are about you wanting to feel loved and wanted by someone. Not particularly about whoever you're seeing at any particular time.

Oh lovie - you're hardwired to try and please others, don't start beating yourself up as well! Go and see your friend, send him a quick text the next day to say hi (nothing more) and then start working on that link I posted!

Why on earth do you feel the need to leave wine/ a note on his door step? Just give the guy some breathing space. It's almost like you don't want him to have a chance not to think about you....kind of like a dog pissing on a lamppost to me.
I would run a mile from you OP, you seem very smothering and your relationship style is quite....invasive.
Sorry.

It just all feels very manipulative in a passive aggressive way and I can’t be doing with that kind of thing.

@Msanlst

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Ordinarily, as a one off, I would agree that that’s quite nice. But it’s in concert with all your other behaviours that it becomes suffocating. Leave him be, enjoy your time with your friend and try and remember who you are outside of a relationship and all the other good things in your life

Putting all of these things together op, I would feel like you were trying to bribe/emotionally blackmail me into staying with you.