Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

I would assume you were criticising my house if you started cleaning, that would be a huge invasion of privacy for me and the biggest problem for me on your list. I would find 2, 5 and 6 quite controlling. If someone was passive aggressive to me 6 months into a relationship I'd assume that and the need to control me would get worse, I'd run a mile, sorry. Great that you are self aware though

The dramatic change in personality would be hard for most people. It is also interesting that you seem to be saying that you behave the same way in every relationship, in my view that is odd. Like the other person only exisit to play role of boyfriend.

One or two of the 'nice and kind' things off your list on the odd occasion are fine. All together and very regularly is way too much.

Just remind yourself that he fell for the vivacious independent woman who you were when you met. I'm sure you fell for an independent man. Although you felt you were being kind be mindful he may want to also feel that he's looking after you. It's his masculinity at stake. You're his lover not his mother.

I'm sure things will be fine now you've taken it on board

It's good that you've realised this isn't a healthy approach to a r'ship.

It puts you in a needy, clingy, servile, desperate to please, 'lesser' role. Which tells him he's better than you, you're lucky to have him. You should look after him.

He is likely to find it claustrophobic. It could make him subconsciously or consciously see you as 'lesser' as you keep pushing that idea.

Whichever way it won't lead to a balanced, healthy relationship.

You are equals. You deserve to be treated, and looked after, as much as he does. You aren't lucky to have him. He isn't better than you. Treat yourself as you want to be treated. Respect yourself. Know your worth.

Your actions are likely to drive a decent person away.

Your post reminds me of this time I got my ex boyfriend a present he really wanted for his birthday, during our first year of living together. He told me once about a photo of his travels that he really wanted to get blown up one day. So I snuck into his photo drawer one day and got the photo blown up and framed. When I handed it to him wrapped, his face kinda fell and he did not look enthusiastic at all, but when he opened it he was thrilled. He said to me, laughing, that he could feel that it was a photo frame and he thought that I had gotten him a photo of me and him. İ cringed at the thought that he could even think I was like that. But, no offense OP, who he thought I might be, is who you're being. İt's all about you and not about the other person. You clean their home because you want praise. You take your car and your food to their home because you want to feel good about bringing your own food and being a cake maker or whatever. You send them photos which are all about your perspective of your experience. You send gifts to their relatives because it makes you look good. You're not doing it for the guy you're doing it to make yourself feel better about something. They never tell you 'oh I feel terrible that my family get neglected and I wish someone could cheer them up', they never tell you 'i wish i had more time to clear my house, it's affecting my mental health'. They're not acts of kindness or love, because you're not doing it for people in need. You're just doing it for your own image. Sorry if that sounds harsh but İ hope you can get past it.

How are you getting on OP?