Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

Lumpwoody I agree with BadLad tbh.

A lot of men will put up with anything for a while if they find their partner attractive enough.

It might be alien to how you think but I can think of a few relationships I've known where this was definitely the case.

[quote Lumpwoody]@BadLad I didn’t say they weren’t true?[/quote]
So why does it bother you?

It depends how hot you are

Of course this comment is jarring. It demonstrates how many men find it hard to see beyond their dick. That takes priority.

Some men think it's their fantasy to have a partner who'll mother them and devote themselves to making them happy.
Op you know this and are playing that role because you're terrified he'll leave you.

Of course it eventually turns toxic when the submissive partner loses their sense of self, resentment builds, self esteem plummets, suppressed emotions start to cause mental health issues, children are brought into the mix and the woman can't pander to her man's every need...the man realises his partner is completely dependent on him to fulfil all her emotional needs.

It's not the fantasy you think it'll be.

Women do it too. They stay in relationships with men they find really attractive even though they are behaving badly. It’s not just men, let’s not pretend it is.

And people stay in relationships for many reasons when someone’s behaving badly, it can be anything from they have money, to they are good looking, to any bloke/woman will do.

Pretending it’s just men or it’s not true is silly. We all know it’s the truth. The fact you don’t like it doesn’t change it.

The truth of the matter is being considered very attractive by someone can give you lots of benefits from that person. Both male and female. It’s how the world has always worked.

I’ve totally stepped back (so far! Only been a few hours really).

It’s really made me think reading this thread. I think in summary I just end up trying really really hard. Even when I’m not really enjoying what I’m doing. The wine idea is what i feel compelled to do to maintain the relationship. Being wholly selfish and thinking of me not the relationship, i absolutely don’t want to buy wine then go out of my way to deliver it. It’s a complete faff. I won’t enjoy the process of it but would find some security in it and that’s the entirely wrong reason for doing it. I also wonder if on some level DP picks up on that, even if not consciously. I think I would if the position was reversed.

I was trying to think last night about what I have these behaviours and I remember around age 18 writing in a diary that I was happy for men to go off and do their own thing with other women and I would always show my love by being consistent when they came back to me, and eventually they’d see I was the one to value. Obviously I haven’t thought like that for many years and can see that was a very sad and insane way to think. I feel sorry for that 18 year old and wonder what on earth I picked up on relationships and my own worth to have been in that mindset.

Without going into boring childhood details I was privileged yet neglected as a child and I remember really damaging comments like I was weird if I got upset, I was a drama llama, I had to have a captive audience for anyone to listen to me… just some of the things said to me. I had no idea who I was growing up and I remember being around 20 at uni and being unable to make basic decisions like what sandwich to have in a cafe. That sounds petty and silly but I remember being frozen and literally not knowing what I wanted to do about really basic things like that. It all makes me feel so sad that I can’t relax enough to just be around someone.

I’ve exhausted myself reading this thread and I have no intention to continue like I have with my partner. That’s just my actions though. I know underneath there’s a lot of broken parts feeling confused and alone. It’s horrible.

I feel for you Op. No need to catastrophise this and to conclude you're a weird damaged individual. Everyone is muddling along, making mistakes in relationships, doubting themselves and not always getting it right. It's not just you.

Look, for a few weeks you've gone a bit over board with the lovebombing and the submissive wife thing. You can pull that back.

It's hard because I suspect you're something of an introvert, prone to self reflection, analysing situations and questioning yourself. You actually sound highly intelligent and I suspect a high achiever/perfectionist.

What I'm saying is, don't complicate your relationship, analyse it to death or model your behaviour on a perceived idea of perfect "wife". Stop putting pressure on yourself.

Yes you're right Bluntness

It wasn't great advice for the Op though! How is it helpful?

That poster was essentially saying "Your behaviour in your relationship isn't ideal, but if you're hot your boyfriend might overlook it"
I just cringed reading that.

@Msanlst

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

This makes him sound like an elderly relative not a grown man.

Buy yourself the wine instead! Divert all this attention to yourself.

@SmileyClare

Yes you're right Bluntness

It wasn't great advice for the Op though! How is it helpful?

That poster was essentially saying "Your behaviour in your relationship isn't ideal, but if you're hot your boyfriend might overlook it"
I just cringed reading that.

It's relevant to whether or not she has relationship.

ruined the relationship.

Of course this comment is jarring. It demonstrates how many men find it hard to see beyond their dick. That takes priority.
God, it's almost like physical attraction wasn't a thing 🤔. Since when has it not been a thing?

Ugh of course physical attraction is a thing! What is this "relevant point" being laboured over? If a partner finds you hot then you can "get away" with unfavourable behaviour more?

Yes possibly but hardly relevant or something to console the op with. It's a weird tangent to a discussion about clingy submissive behaviour, driven by insecurities.

It's just stating the obvious fact that a partner will forgive certain foibles in their partner.

So what are your plans this weekend OP while your dp works? Anything fun?

Yes possibly but hardly relevant or something to console the op with. It's a weird tangent to a discussion about clingy submissive behaviour, driven by insecurities.

It's relevant to the OP's question about whether or not she has ruined the relationship.

@Msanlst I am really feeling for you. Especially with the stuff about your childhood.

You are trying to fit the "perfect model" mode to not feel abandoned/neglected as this is your experience of relationships.

Your self esteem is not high. Just being you (in your experience) is not enough. You are wrong.

Being you is good enough. You are god's enough. Good enough is enough. Perfect doesn't exist (and of it did would be boring/top much to live with). You feel OL in the early, heady days of a relationship but when things start shifting (as they do) at about 6 months you panic be and go into try to hard mode.

Huge hugs.

As PP have said you need to work on some self-esteem/self-love. What you want/deserve/expect is important.

I have been through this journey. And interestingly it was once my self-esteem was better that I actually functioned better in a relationship...or had a proper relationship that was an equal partnership.

Maybe look at some therapy/self-help books/online stuff to help.

Well done for having the self-awareness to recognise this behaviour pattern.

And please don't be hurt by any of the feedback from this thread. They are commenting on your behaviour not you as a person.

Urggh sorry about typos.

I have a female friend who behaves like that in her friendships with other women. Judging by what she's told me, she's lost dozens of friends over the years and I suspect it's because of that behaviour. She is lovely and fun and really kind but just too much. She also sends presents and cards to friends' parents, who she's never met. I felt very smothered by her and had to step back quite a bit - but we have managed to get a more reasonable friendship established now. I also suspect that she is not entirely neurotypical - she struggles sometimes with achieving tasks until she has a very imminent deadline.

@GreyhoundG1rl I explained already how I felt about it? It’s silent to how I think and I find it objectifying.

*alien

Don't beat yourself up about it OP, none of us truly have our shit together and the fact that you recognise there's something 'off', enough to post on here asking for advice, is a massive step forward.
You sound like a lovely, giving person- maybe refocus some of that on yourself, your family and friends and nuture some of those other relationships?

The fact is, romantic relationships offer a very poor return on our investments of time and effort- especially if you're putting as much in as you are! Why not focus those resources on yourself? You're guaranteed a 100% return x

To put this into perspective if a man wrote this he would be called a love bombing creepy stalker. I strongly suggest therapy to discover why you are feeling the need to do these things. From a quick look it does seem as though you are exhibiting traits of BPD, for example a fear of abandonment, mood swings and idolisation.

I think that if someone had written here that they had been dating a guy and he’d started to do the things you’ve listed, many people would be posting saying he’s love bombing you and that these behaviours are red flags.
I’m sure you’re lovely but this is not healthy behaviour.

OP you should ask yourself why you give so much, too much of yourself. Although it seems nice unfortunately people won’t have any respect for you because you do too much. I don’t think it’s a conscious thing I think 1. They will take it for granted and 2. You are really doing it so they like you or need you which ultimately is manipulative. You are doing these things to make people love you. Anything any of us do to make others love us usually has the opposite effect.
Maybe get a hobby that you love and spend time doing that instead

Op where are you now with it? Have you been contacting him or him you? Did you see him at the weekend? Ask to see him! Leave the wine?

I would sit down with your dp and explain all this to them and the reason why you feel you do it; they will understand and help - you are not a mess just need some help