Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

It sounds like you’re not sure what’s a good idea and what is a bad idea
And obviously it’s not sensible to start ‘playing games’ as some people would advise

But it is good to keep a sense of self and not always be so available.
Book things in for yourself so you are busy, even when he becomes available - even if it’s planning to get a bath and read a book, don’t cancel those plan (even if they’re just with yourself) if he is suddenly free.

Then ask yourself who is making the effort
If the last 1 or two times someone’s txt first it was you, or the last one or two times someone made arrangements to see each other it was you, take a step back.
you don’t have to do this forever, but it’s just letting that other person step forward and feel like they’re also in control of the situation and that’s important whilst you learn too.
And if they don’t come forward, then that’s all the answers you need.

Don’t buy any more gifts unless it’s a special occasion and don’t send any more cards or miss you emails for a few months

Have a little look at your attachment style and maybe work on that

Have you ever watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend, OP? I’m not saying that you’re like the main character as her behaviour is much much more extreme than yours, but I wonder if you might relate to some of her thought processes

OP, the wine on the doorstep could come off as a bit creepy, kind of stalker-ish. It seems a bit strange in the context you've described. As a one-off it sounds nice, but with all the other things, I think it could be too much.

Overall, there's a sense that you're not giving him breathing room. If a man likes you, he'll come to you. You don't need to control or fill every moment.

You sound nice though. Well done for being open to change. I know it's not easy.

@Nogardenersworld

It sounds like you’re not sure what’s a good idea and what is a bad idea And obviously it’s not sensible to start ‘playing games’ as some people would advise

But it is good to keep a sense of self and not always be so available.
Book things in for yourself so you are busy, even when he becomes available - even if it’s planning to get a bath and read a book, don’t cancel those plan (even if they’re just with yourself) if he is suddenly free.

Then ask yourself who is making the effort
If the last 1 or two times someone’s txt first it was you, or the last one or two times someone made arrangements to see each other it was you, take a step back.
you don’t have to do this forever, but it’s just letting that other person step forward and feel like they’re also in control of the situation and that’s important whilst you learn too.
And if they don’t come forward, then that’s all the answers you need.

Don’t buy any more gifts unless it’s a special occasion and don’t send any more cards or miss you emails for a few months

Have a little look at your attachment style and maybe work on that

Thanks @Nogardenersworld

I am quite worried I have ruined things after reading this thread. My instinct is to go into disaster recovery mode and text him or email something nice or see him. To make sure it’s not ruined. Which then makes it worse doesn’t it.

He sent the last text to me today. A nice one, thanking me for the good luck message this morning and saying he hopes my day is going well etc. Just a nice message really.

@riotlady

Have you ever watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend, OP? I’m not saying that you’re like the main character as her behaviour is much much more extreme than yours, but I wonder if you might relate to some of her thought processes

Yes @riotlady

OP... when is it that your 'spidey senses' kick in? I think you ignore them because you're getting something out of being 'everything' to your partner.

You're taking up all the 'room' in the partnership, there isn't room for anybody else in it to move because.. there you are, fulfilling every function for some reason.

I personally think this relationship is done. You can't get it back to how it was when you were getting to know each other. He has had time to sit back and assess - you didn't bother - and he has decided he doesn't like what he perceives you are, hence the 'pulling back'.

Sorry. It sounds really harsh and you seem a very caring, giving person but you're trying to be everything and it was nailed by the first poster really - smothering.

If you're getting the impression that this is happening all the time, in every relationship you have, then it is. It's you that needs to dial back about a hundred notches and retain a bit of mystique, not fill in as Mum, Girlfriend, Secretary, Shopper, Travel Agent .

You sound a bit like andi Anderson in how to loose a guy in 10 days. It’s too much Op I’d feel it’s too much if a man did this for me. Although your intentions are good, why do you have to change after 6 months? Just carry on how you were before the 6 month mark? That doesn’t mean you can’t do nice things for them but what you’ve described is way OTT especially the weekly email with pictures.

@SandAndSea

OP, the wine on the doorstep could come off as a bit creepy, kind of stalker-ish. It seems a bit strange in the context you've described. As a one-off it sounds nice, but with all the other things, I think it could be too much.

Overall, there's a sense that you're not giving him breathing room. If a man likes you, he'll come to you. You don't need to control or fill every moment.

You sound nice though. Well done for being open to change. I know it's not easy.

Thanks @SandAndSea I am trying to address this stuff as I’ve noticed recently I’m just not myself as I want to please him so much. I analyse everything…if I don’t text him tonight I will worry that was the wrong thing to do, for example. I’ve not reason to speak to him later as I am going out but I will still analyse what to do. I make myself exhausted

Are you hoping he retaliates and sends you miss you emails, and gifts and makes time for you?

Can you do those things for yourself.
Order a bottle of wine for you.
Get the makeup for yourself with that £30 gift money
Make time for yourself to do what you want with an evening

To be clear the leaving wine and asking if I can pop over is NOT to check up on him
But it's to keep you at the forefront of his mind, even on the odd occasion where he's not seeing you because he's working.

So needy.

I’m worried I’ve ruined it now. He’s been the one man I’ve ever met who has been genuinely decent. I was really happy with him and he said he was with me too. I’ve been too much though haven’t I

Why not talk to him about it then? Tell him that you realise you're going overboard,that now you are aware you will make sure you don't, and that you are working on your reasons for it. And tell him that you like him a lot and don't want to spoil things.
If he's the one for you he will appreciate the honesty.

As a therapist, I would echo the PPs who are suggesting therapy. Not so much to relate better to partners but to find out who you really are under the maladaptive behaviours you've developed out of some misplaced idea that you're not good enough or that you, or your life, has to live up to some kind of ideal.

I bet that, at heart, you're really not like this at all, and that there's a person under this who, once she finds herself, is entirely content in her own skin.

All things to do with romantic relationships will then fall into place. You may even discover that what you thought you wanted isn't really what you want after all.

^^^
This from WhatMattersMost in triplicate.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What happened to you to behave like you do now when it comes to relationships?. What is with you and abandonment, did your dad leave you as a child suddenly?. If that is the case this from you now may all stem from him doing that.

But leave it a few days first!!

I am quite worried I have ruined things after reading this thread. My instinct is to go into disaster recovery mode and text him or email something nice or see him. To make sure it’s not ruined. Which then makes it worse doesn’t it.

Yes, absolutely makes things worse!

So based on this thread and what people have said so far, whats your alternative plan?

You can use this thread as a sort of accountability tracker if you like! Make a plan, try to stick to it and if you don't, try to work out why / what stopped you etc. Somewhere to process those thoughts might be helpful between now and getting some therapy.

I'm really sorry OP. Im sure you're a lovely kind caring person who is doing all of these things for what you believe is the right reasons but you would drive me up the wall. Its too much.
Please don't be offended but it does come across as quite obsessive.
Cleaning someone house when they're out seems like a judgement on their standards if I'm honest and wanting to do things for their family members after only a few months I would find a bit creepy.

I'm not an expert may any means but I would advise backing right off and just going with the flow in relationships. You are scaring them off and that's never a good thing

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc

Are you hoping he retaliates and sends you miss you emails, and gifts and makes time for you?

Can you do those things for yourself.
Order a bottle of wine for you.
Get the makeup for yourself with that £30 gift money
Make time for yourself to do what you want with an evening

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc I hope I would either see him or know he had something nice from me that would endear him to me. Fucking pathetic isn’t it

You sound v sweet but oh so needy.

Also noticed OP that you keep saying you can be strong and independent ...all of the actions you have mentioned so far are the exact opposite of that. The strong and independent I'd clearly an act you cannot keep up for very long (hence the stepford wife routine around 6 months in)
I would work on actually being strong and independent rather than just faking it for a while to lure someone in.

You're making yourself look desperate

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I am quite worried I have ruined things after reading this thread. My instinct is to go into disaster recovery mode and text him or email something nice or see him. To make sure it’s not ruined. Which then makes it worse doesn’t it.

Yes, absolutely makes things worse!

So based on this thread and what people have said so far, whats your alternative plan?

You can use this thread as a sort of accountability tracker if you like! Make a plan, try to stick to it and if you don't, try to work out why / what stopped you etc. Somewhere to process those thoughts might be helpful between now and getting some therapy.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes that sounds like a good idea. I think I need to not act on my instincts here where it is anything along the lines of buying him something or doing something for him that takes time or energy out of my day beyond general contact that is equal between us.

This thread has scared me a bit though as I feel like he must hate me!

On one hand you sound lovely but you're far too giving; dial back a bit and let other people do some legwork.

Op that sounds like you sent the last txt to me actually
He just replied saying thank you
Because it would be rude to ignore you.

Why do you need to be the one to fix it? And why would doing more of the thing that potentially damaged it, be the thing to fix it?

You can’t be enough of a ‘good girl’ to make someone love you.
Maybe you have damaged the relationship, maybe you haven’t, but just give yourself some time to think before doing anything else.

I'm beginning to hope the poor chap doesn't have any rabbits the more I read op.

Meet man, date man, have a laugh, live your life. If the laughs continue he may be a keeper.

It’s curious. Nothing you say is about love. Not one thing. What it reads like is you get six months in, decide he will do, and then want to live with him. It’s about the relationship status for you. Whether you love each other is totally irrelevant.

After seven or eight months I’d expect to see I love him and want to see him. Everything you write is cold.

I honestly think it’s worth getting help, becayse when it becomes all about finding a man to live with and trying desperately to see if he’s going to go there and stay with you and nothing about are you in love with this man, then there is some help needed

I think that’s what’s going wrong, why you start acting desperate. It’s less about him and more about living with a bloke. Any bloke.

I really feel like he must think I am awful and must be so unattracted to me now. Urgh why couldn’t I just relax.