Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

What jumps out at me is that there doesn’t seem to be any room in what you are doing for your partner’s personality.

I can imagine all of the things you mentioned as being nice in a certain situation, in some stages of a relationship. But you seem to do them all together at the same stage for all your relationships, which suggests that they are more about you than the other person.

It would be much more normal to do one of those things a few times and see how the recipient reacts. If they are grateful and happy, you are good to carry on, maybe do one other thing, see how they feel about that. Even ask them if they like it (and read between the lines for the real answer).

The point is that different people are OK with different things at different points of a relationship, but you don’t seem to allow for that.

6. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages

That would have me running for the hills. It all sounds smothering and too much like you're trying to ingratiate yourself into peoples lives.

@Msanlst

I really feel like he must think I am awful and must be so unattracted to me now. Urgh why couldn’t I just relax.

For goodness sake, why the extreme? Now he must hate me, think I’m unattractive, think I’m awful. It’s so teenage. No one said any of these things

Look just give the bloke space. If he wants to talk to talk to you or text you he will

I think it’s clear you’re only asking on here as you think you’ve pushed this one away as well. Try to calm down. If you can’t no relationship will succeed op.

This would be my advice.

1. Cooking and cleaning their house if you are working from there and they are out - are you living with them at this stage? If so, then half the cooking and cleaning is pulling your weight. If not, maybe just cook the odd meal.
2. Always offering to pay - strange question but are you English or from a different culture? I notice people from some other cultures offer to pay more often and English people are uncomfortable with this (I'm not English and have been on the receiving end of this being taken negatively).
3. Too often. Cut it down.
4. Don't be always available.
5. They should come to you at least 50% of the time. Get them to cook or clean occasionally in your place to show you see this as a reciprocal activity and not that you are some sort of 50s housewife.
6. Do you suffer from anxiety? If not, cut this behaviour out. If you do suffer from anxiety maybe you need a little bit of therapy to help you control this.

7, 8, 9 - to me these seem quite sweet and caring and would not be overwhelming so long as 1-6 are under control.

Having said all that: my husband and I have been intense from day one. So maybe you just haven't met the right person yet. But if I were in your position now and given what you have said in your post, my responses for the type of guys you are meeting would be the points I made above.
Hope it works out for you.

@Bluntness100 yes that’s exactly why I’m asking, I’m worried that all these posts say I am too much and so of course I am worried I’ve ruined it with him. I’m not a completely awful person and we’ve had some lovely times together so i would be sad if it was over because of me making these mistakes

No.3 - for real?!

Way too much. I’d take out a restraining order on you 😂

Who in their right mind, cleans a man’s house?!

No thanks. Get him to do yours instead!

Honestly OP, this is terrible behaviour. I really think you should seek some therapy and look at your boundaries before dating again.

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this. >>>> infantilising and overbearing. Stop doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc. >>>> generous but possibly OTT.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days). >>>> massive turn off. Creepy and OTT.

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it. >>>> you are turning yourself from a sexy interesting person into a wet doormat here. Huge turn off.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way. >>>> make a difference to their home?! Do you bring candles and cushions too or just fold? This is controlling/ overbearing. Total turn off.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages. >>>> what?!??! Not acceptable at all!!! I would dump someone immediately for this after only six months. Controlling and selfish.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through. >>> nice!!!

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them. >>>> yuck! This is over the top and smothering. I would dump someone for doing this after only six months.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell. >>> this is overbearing and not your place. Do not do this.

Then op try to calm yourself down. Stop trying to rush blokes like this. Just leave him be and he will come to you

Look you are who you are and instead of changing to suit some bloke just go out with someone who likes all that stuff? It's not much of a relationship if you're walking on eggshells too scared to send a message saying I love and miss you.

@Msanlst

Thanks for replies and *@Sarahlou63* for the link.

I just want to be the best I can be I suppose. It’s not an act at the start, but as soon as I feel I can trust someone I jump right in. I guess I feel like it is topping up a coin machine so I have longer before they leave me. Fuck me that’s a pathetic sentence.

But surely, as all your relationships have ended, you can see that this servile, smothering behaviour is the reverse of ‘attractive’, and suggests appallingly low self-esteem, rampant neediness and a number of other classic red flag traits?

It suggests to me that you’re in fact (unconsciously) trying to sabotage your relationships.

@Msanlst

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Do not do this, please. It’s way too much!

Send them a text if you must.

I think therapy would be a good idea.

You are obviously able to be the fun, relaxed person who is likely to be more attractive, and happy with herself, but something about being in a relationship seems to trigger a desire to be a massive people pleaser with clingy, needy tendencies.

Maybe some CBT or something would help you.

In the short term I think you need to repeat like a mantra that you will do things that make you happy and not constantly put other people first.

People can smell desperation and people pleasing. It's a huge turnoff. If nothing else, you should surely be able to convince yourself that its in the interests of maintaining your relationship to be a bit more self-centred?

It suggests to me that you’re in fact (unconsciously) trying to sabotage your relationships

I don’t agree. I th8nk it’s the opposite. She’s so desperate to get to thr live together stage that at the six month stage she starts acting desperate,

It is sabotaging her relationships yes. But it’s because she so desperate to keep them.

Look, OP, you’re not in the right space mentally to date. End this civilly, see a good therapist, work on your sense of identity and self-worth. Who are you when you’re not desperately trying to make a boyfriend stay with you?

OP there is nothing wrong with two people falling in love and doing nice things for each other as part of a mutually cherishing relationship, but this all sounds impersonal, like some poor dog who was left in a layby and - like you said yourself - terrified of being abandoned again.
Your poor BFs are probably very confused!

Have a good think about your childhood and role models, and then look at happy couples you know now and see how they behave with each other.

@Msanlst

I THINK I do these things because I enjoy them. But then I wonder if I enjoy them because I get a reaction, reassurance from it? If that makes sense.

I do love cleaning and cooking but if I’m honest I would probably rather spend 30 quid on some make up for myself than a random gift for a partner for no reason or occasion. Then I wonder if I do it because I am insecure in some way.

My latest DP is starting to take me for granted and I suddenly thought hang on…this is a pattern and perhaps this is me causing this because I do too much all the time. Seems so based on the replies.

I can see that you enjoy them, but it seems the recipients don’t.

I think cleaning someone else’s house is very intrusive, and somewhat controlling, in fact quite a few of your actions strike me as controlling, and I think if they were being done by a man rather than a woman they would be labelled red flags for a coercive tendency.

Sounds a bit over the top to me and verging on stalking type behaviour particularly sending things to his relatives - that is a bit strange as you are not even married yet.

If you want this man give it a few days and then ask him what he wants. May be he wants to come over and clean your house. Let him. I have always preferred it that I tend to be worse at domestic things than men . I just like earning money but even then things have to be fair.

All this is fine but only once your actually married. Not for dating. Google Mathew hussey, he gives great advice. You should be aiming for high energy, low investment. Basically you can be warm and positive, but don't chase and overwhelm.

@Msanlst first off the bat, you sound like you're a nice person- even if you've got a somewhat different approach to most people dating.

And... don't beat yourself up!

Try instead to consider what you're getting out of the relationship.

Every relationship is give and take. Allow your boyfriend the space to do some of the giving. It might not be in the timescales you'd usually do... but allowing someone the space to miss you isn't such a bad thing.

I'm also in a newish relationship- one year in. We see each other several times a week, we chat for ten minutes or so most evenings when we're not together to say goodnight. He has his hobbies, I have mine.

I too can be needy and insecure. He knows that, and if I need a bit of assurance, I tend to just say it now. I've decided that I can only be myself.

However, I also realise that I cannot force him to love me! Occasionally we both do nice gestures for each other (flowers, or treating the other to dinner etc), but it really is sporadically. If it were all the time neither of us would appreciate it.

Just enjoy him! It might not last forever, but that doesn't matter. Try and live in the moment a bit more instead of aiming to please him.

I'm sure he doesn't hate you! None of us are in your relationship so we don't know the actual dynamic. But maybe just ease off the gas a bit!

@Bluntness100

It suggests to me that you’re in fact (unconsciously) trying to sabotage your relationships

I don’t agree. I th8nk it’s the opposite. She’s so desperate to get to thr live together stage that at the six month stage she starts acting desperate,

It is sabotaging her relationships yes. But it’s because she so desperate to keep them.

It’s just that she recognises at some level that this is a pattern that pushes her boyfriends away, but she keeps doing it. It must be like going out with a very over-affectionate, needy, insecure dog — on of the ones who never quite gets that if you nip out to the shop for fifteen minutes and leave him at home, you are going to come back, so you hear him howling as you walk down the path and then. as soon as your key is in the door he leaps at you, yelping with disbelief and joy.

OP I feel for you.

Just stop trying so much.
Men respond best to diffidence and a little neglect.
Find value in yourself.
Being so super keen is not appealing.

@Mindyourbusiness22

No.3 - for real?!

Way too much. I’d take out a restraining order on you 😂

An email a week and you'd have a restraining order?

I think being compared to a dog @Brimorion has been the highlight of this thread for me 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

@speakout

OP I feel for you.

Just stop trying so much.
Men respond best to diffidence and a little neglect.
Find value in yourself.
Being so super keen is not appealing.

@speakout I feel stuck in a bit of a rut now as I want to make sure we are ok as this thread has scared me a bit! But in doing that I will only be continuing these behaviours