Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

Gosh.
Why are you even in a man's home on your own if you aren't in an established relationship? And I say that as someone who hasn't been apart from DH much since our 2nd date and that was 30 years ago.

Can't you just have some fun? Also how do you manage to have so many intense relationships there is a pattern?

Honestly?

I'd assume you were love bombing me and run a mile.

Way way too much OP.

I told the boyfriend to knock himself out cleaning 😂😂😂😂 he’s really good at so he can tear on @SpottyTablecloths. He can get the pinny on anytime 😂
I do agree with you. I don’t do domestic stuff. I don’t do it anyway so why would I start? If he wants a domestic appliance with a vagina he may go elsewhere. And after 6 months he would be no loss

You seem to get very invested very quickly op?

@Msanlst

I can be strong, independent, fun, reasonable. I constantly feel like I am about to be abandoned though and these actions make me feel safer. I know it’s no real and doesn’t mean something will last. I just don’t know how else to manage the insecurity. Maybe I need to do all the things I want to do for him, for me instead.

That would be a start, yes. I do think you'll need help to change though. These things are pretty much impossible on your own, because you can't step back enough when you're in the thick of things to see clearly.

Ultimately I wish I was living with someone and feel quite envious of those people who always come home to a partner.

Yes a lot of the things you do sound a bit like trying to move in by the back door.

I think you need to accept that almost all relationships, including ones that are successful long term, have a dating phase at the start where you live quite separate lives and see each other on and off. The separate bits do not mean the relationship is doomed or that he doesn’t like you. They are healthy and part of the getting to know you phase.

I think it's really great that you can identify what it is you're doing and how you change at a certain point. Now think about it - do you really like this new guy? If so you can change back to the way you were, can't you?

It does sound really smothering and as though you behave like a martyr and then go all passive aggressive if he doesn't appreciate you enough.

Honestly, I think the fact that you’re referring to someone as a “partner” after seven months is strange. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, but at 7 months would have definitely considered that we were just at the start of getting to know each other.

You seem to be very keen fit relationships to progress quickly instead of naturally. I’d find that suffocating, and exhausting.

Don't do the wine and note. Just do a one line text- have a lovely day x that's all you need to do. It's really nice to do small tokens etc but not constantly!

@Msanlst

I can be strong, independent, fun, reasonable. I constantly feel like I am about to be abandoned though and these actions make me feel safer. I know it’s no real and doesn’t mean something will last. I just don’t know how else to manage the insecurity. Maybe I need to do all the things I want to do for him, for me instead.

Excellent idea! A bit of self-love is exactly what you need. Still think therapy is the way forward too, but absolutely buy yourself a nice treat, or book yourself somewhere to go for the weekend eg spa trip, weekend away on a city you haven’t been to.

A friend of mine was like this (well not the cleaning or dropping stuff off but being a bit obsessive and stifling) and destroyed a few relationships it then fell in love with someone who worked in the emergency services

This ended up helping her pass through this stage of the relationship until they settled into the more cosy part of relationships as his job meant there were enforced boundaries where he couldn't see her but she didn't need to sit around over thinking and taking it personally

Not sure how helpful that 🤣 is but it sounds like it would helpful to start thinking about some boundaries, with a therapist?, that you could set

@VodselForDinner that’s what I’ve been thinking too.

Men also pick up on red flags.

The cooking and cleaning when they're out can be seen as you trying to be their mum or making a statement that their own housekeeping isn't up to your standards

The rest just seems like love bombing and sulky punishment if they don't behave as you'd like. Coercive. If you were a bloke, my alarms would be sounding and all the lights would be flashing- especially if you went from cool and laid back in the first six months to this overbearing, needy, smothering person. I'd feel tricked. I'd feel the first six months were a front. Which they are, really, aren't they?

No, I'd not date you. And I would advise you to do a bit of work on yourself

Suffocating. I'd freeze you off.

@Msanlst

To be clear the leaving wine and asking if I can pop over is NOT to check up on him. As messed up as I sound, strangely I don’t have insecurities about cheating. I don’t do these things to check up on him.

I do them because I want to feel secure and like we are close and I am not forgotten. It is hard to admit this and makes me very sad.

Do people think I’ve already ruined this with him?

You should be going to see him because you both want to, not for the reasons you've given.

I don't know if you've already ruined things or not but please back off or there's a good chance you may do so.

Thanks for the (mostly nice!!) replies.

This is not easy for me. I can see that the effect of what I do is controlling and manipulative but I don’t go into it like that. I genuinely do it because I want the relationship to last and because I am scared he will leave me.

When I have heard from him and we’ve spent time together I am so much more relaxed. I just wish I could maintain that when apart.

I am worried I have fucked this up and this one was a that’ll really different, we really clicked and he’s a good man :(

Honestly it’s too much and quite creepy op. I’m sorry. It would give me the ick. Don’t do the wine, and don’t ask to come over. You’re smothering him and being creepy and behaving desperate and he’s pulling back because of it.

Relationships need to be equal. All this running around after someone doing shit for them they didn’t ask is too much. It’s why your relationships don’t last. Even a friend wouldn’t like it or a family member,

You need to stop acting obsessed and try to be independent.

Have you ruined it, I don’t know. Pull back, behave normally and it might be fine, he may have the ick though. None of us can tell.

Intrusive
Invasive
Violating
Controlling
Offensive
Manipulative

Need I go on?
This behaviour would have me running a mile

@HollowTalk

I think it's really great that you can identify what it is you're doing and how you change at a certain point. Now think about it - do you really like this new guy? If so you can change back to the way you were, can't you?

It does sound really smothering and as though you behave like a martyr and then go all passive aggressive if he doesn't appreciate you enough.

@HollowTalk I’m worried I’ve ruined it now. He’s been the one man I’ve ever met who has been genuinely decent. I was really happy with him and he said he was with me too. I’ve been too much though haven’t I.

This thread has really opened my eyes.

Everyone is different. None of us are perfect. Try to work on your negative traits, but of course everybody has them.

Holy moly no, I’m sorry OP but this would be far, far too much for me. The good news is you’ve been able to reflect on it. I’d suggest some counselling to help you understand this behaviour and what you can do to control it.

God it's all a bit much, if a man I was dating did all that stuff I'm not sure I would be happy with it to be honest. If your boyfriend posted on here saying you'd done all that, we'd all be calling red flag.

You sound very kind and like the sort of person who enjoys 'demonstrating' their feelings, which can be nice, but you also sound really quite over the top and smothering. You sound desperate to please people but real relationships don't work like that, you can't really manufacture romance like that either.

I honestly think you might need some therapy to get to the bottom of this. I don't mean that horribly, but it's not normal behaviour really.

Life is so often about impact and not intent OP.

It's great you can see that the behaviours are manipulative and controlling, that means you need to address the fact the impact those behaviours have is to manipulate and control people. Whether that's due to insecurity (in your case) or cruelty (in other people's) it's unacceptable to make people feel that way.

You sound open to being increasingly self aware which is great. Therapy would be life changing for you. The difficulty is that I'm sure you'll feel unable to break off this relationship before you start therapy, but that would probably be ideal I think.

definitely not going to suggest anything over the weekend!!!!

It sounds like you lose your identity when in a relationship and instead try too hard to become your idea of what a perfect partner should be out of fear of being rejected for who you actually are.

Agree with others about getting some therapy and unpicking all this with them, it could quite possibly be life changing for you. The fact that you are aware of the things you do and able to be honest about it is a great start too.

Just pull it back. Maybe send him a text saying "hope work went well." Or something instead of the bottle of wine.

Try and arrange something fun for yourself so you aren't pining after him all the time and then you might cope better with less contact.

When writing a passive aggressive message try and think "what do I want from this interaction?" Before sending it and rewrite accordingly.

If he's genuinely a decent man he probably will find the behaviours you listed in the OP too much and won't mind you pulling back and giving him some space.

Give him a chance to miss you and make a move of his own.