Would you be attracted to me?

[Msanlst]

And if not why not?

I want to give a very honest account of my behaviours in relationships to understand if this would put the right people off with what may be my neediness (?) or whether I am just ending up with people who don’t appreciate me. I seem to attract men easily and then a few months in I go from being breezy, relaxed, good fun, witty… to this:

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out (ie a few months in and if I’m working from theirs and they’re in the office). I love doing this.

1. I have a good career and I’m paid quite a lot of money for it. I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away. Always offering to pay - not upfront saying it but suggesting I can sort it etc.

1. Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them (if we’ve been apart for a few days).

1. Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it.

1. I enjoy driving and don’t mind travelling to them. Even if they offer to come to me I prefer to go to them so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way.

1. I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages.

1. On the flip side I am patient and understanding and loyal and would support someone with anything they were going through.

1. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them.

1. Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell.

Before around 6 months I am very different to this. I wait for people to come to me, I can be very level headed and dismissive if I think someone isn’t offering what I want. I think I have attractiveness down to a tee at the beginning and men seem eager to be with me. Then I fall for them and I turn into this..

I guess what I’m asking is, are these traits nice? Would you find them attractive or overwhelming? Have I been with the wrong people and would the right person enjoy this, or is it all a bit much for most people generally speaking?

@youvegottenminuteslynn the latter I also want to know if he will say yes to seeing me. I want him to want to see me but he’s not suggested it so he is obviously ok not doing. And then yes that makes me want to be in his mind so he’s doesn’t forget me.

Ultimately I wish I was living with someone and feel quite envious of those people who always come home to a partner.

@Msanlst

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

No. Bloody leave him alone. Either you are desperate for him to be thinking of you or you want to check up on him. Neither is healthy.

Why on earth do you feel the need to leave wine/ a note on his door step? Just give the guy some breathing space. It's almost like you don't want him to have a chance not to think about you...

I think this is really perceptive. Does it ring true for you OP? My ex was like this, it was as if I was being mean for having any joy outside of 'us' which was such a headfuck for me as that pass agg approach was combined with 'but I got you xyz, don't you want a nice boyfriend?' etc

@Msanlst

So a live example… partner is working this weekend. I left his house yesterday. I am seeing a friend tomorrow who lives a few miles from him. We usually spend the day together. What I want to do is either ask if I can call in on my way home (he’s not suggested this) or leave some wine on the doorstep with a note saying I hope work goes well over the weekend.

I’m guessing this would be an absolutely mental move based on this thread. To me it seems like a nice thing to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

He's working. He's busy.

He doesn't want you calling in or leaving wine and notes. It's intrusive. It would irritate me massively that you couldn't leave me the fuck alone for a weekend when you knew I was working. I don't need a patronising note that says hope work goes well. I'm excellent at my job, thanks. I don't need your good wishes.

Work on being happy in your own skin op.

I’m happy as a pig in shit and I quite often tell whatever boyfriend I don’t want to see them because I want to lie in the bath and eat chocolate fingers.

I don’t see anyone except my kids and/or friends on a Friday night, for example. And I’ve no problem telling a boyfriend that.

If they don’t like it, there’s the door don’t let it bang your arse on the way out.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling the way the do.

No. It'd be too much.
6 would kill it.

1. Cooking and cleaning their home when they are out i mean, I'd date you but i have a DH and 3 kids 🤣. I think the cleaning can feel like a criticism if its more than cleaning up after yourself. Do they know you're there? Cooking is fine but make sure he takes his turn

I start to spend/suggest I spend money on gifts and nice occasions or surprise hotel nights away you don't need to buy people's love

*Sending an email every week or so with photos of us and a message saying I miss them. Edging to weird. Sharing a couple of photos on the day / next day or something fun, fine. The odd text saying you're missing them if you are, fine. But the email thing feels formulaic and over bearing

Wanting to speak multiple times a week and giving up entire evenings willingly when they are free to speak. I can’t seem to say no if I am free, i just do it. Fine as long as you're happpy

... so I can bring some food and make a difference to their home in some way. Yeah, that's the problem bit. They don't need fixing. You cant earn love this way

I panic if I haven’t heard from them and I can send passive aggressive messages. I mean we all know that's not good, right?

8. Post cards and gifts out of the blue to say I am thinking of them. See over bearing and buying love above

Wanting to do nice things for their family members, like send something to his dad who was unwell. As per no 8 unless you've met them loads and have your own relationship with them.

Basically.

You don't need to buy love or earn it by doing things for people
You dont need to keep reminding them you exist.
No one likes ov to bearing
If you're insecure or unhappy, talk to them

As above, as someone married with 3 kids and a DH you cna br mt secret gf any time lol

Number 6 would do it for me I’m afraid.

I wouldn't think much of the bloke who allowed you to do all that to be honest. But then again if it worked between you, that's your business.

If I was you I’d stop dating for a while op and get some therapy to untangle why you act as you do x

You sound like Liz Jones.

To be clear the leaving wine and asking if I can pop over is NOT to check up on him. As messed up as I sound, strangely I don’t have insecurities about cheating. I don’t do these things to check up on him.

I do them because I want to feel secure and like we are close and I am not forgotten. It is hard to admit this and makes me very sad.

Do people think I’ve already ruined this with him?

As a therapist, I would echo the PPs who are suggesting therapy. Not so much to relate better to partners but to find out who you really are under the maladaptive behaviours you've developed out of some misplaced idea that you're not good enough or that you, or your life, has to live up to some kind of ideal.

I bet that, at heart, you're really not like this at all, and that there's a person under this who, once she finds herself, is entirely content in her own skin.

All things to do with romantic relationships will then fall into place. You may even discover that what you thought you wanted isn't really what you want after all.

You’re trying to hard to be a people pleaser. Stop it and chill.

But if you feel secure you wouldn’t need to do that

I’m really sorry op but you need to get proper help to untangle this. None of us can tell you if you’ve ruined it already.

One thing that stands out to me. Why are you calling him your partner? You don’t live together you don’t share money?

I also agree with PP who said that they would assume you were snooping too. If you were cleaning my house I would automatically assume you were riffling through my possessions too. You obviously aren’t as I think you would’ve said this, as your posts are very open and honest. But I think cleaning (and presumably tidying) is so overstepping the mark and not respecting the other person’s privacy that I would think you have no boundaries or respect for my home or things, therefore it would seem logical to me to think you were also snooping.
And please don’t do the wine on the doorstep thing for all the reasons previously mentioned. It’s too much and a bit creepy. Also the bit where you mention wanting to ‘make a difference to their home’ is a huge red flag which indicates you may be controlling. As someone that has been in a controlling relationship in the past, klaxons would be going off at some of this behaviour. The texts/ phone calls themselves wouldn’t be a problem for me, but I know not everyone would like this. You sound really lovely and most of this seems to come from your own insecurities. I really hope you can work on this. You deserve to be loved for who you really are, not because you clean their house, or leave bottles of wine on their doorstep.

So, I’m bisexual.
Looking at your list, you sound really great and caring. I think the thing that would confuse me is you say you are one way for six months, and then like a switch flipping you turn into this other very involved and selfless person. That would put me off. I would wonder who the real you is and when this next mask was going to be swapped for another.

I would suggest you start as you mean to go on, and be your true self. Relationships aren’t really a recipe or a checklist of do this do that at such and such a milestone. They are more organic and evolve naturally and how you are also depends on what your partner needs and wants as well. So, with kindness, I’d be yourself from day 1 whoever that is because you do sound to be a great person.

I can be strong, independent, fun, reasonable. I constantly feel like I am about to be abandoned though and these actions make me feel safer. I know it’s no real and doesn’t mean something will last. I just don’t know how else to manage the insecurity. Maybe I need to do all the things I want to do for him, for me instead.

So not wanting to hurt your feelings, but your actions are like those you would get from an over-bearing mother.

Your DP doesn't want to date someone who is going to behave like this - someone to "look after him".

I used to do some of these (cooking/cleaning stuff/giving up my time/be more ready to travel..) when I'd been in a relationship a bit and maybe was ready for it to move to the next level of committment My sister pointed out it was quite door-mat like. And/or was I trying to prove to him I would make a wonderful 1950s style wife? And if so, and he liked the cooking/cleaning, why would any man commit when he was getting all the domestic stuff without the reciprical care/commitment back from me.

Needless to say that chat opened my eyes! I'd gone from having a laugh on a day out/night out - to showing my domestic goddess credentials. Look how well I can cook...how well I could look after you......

I shudder in embarrasssment looking back.

When I met my now DH I actively did not let myself to fall into this domestic trap. Our relationship worked much better as I was not trying to "prove" anything.

Omg! Give him some space. Give him a chance to miss you!

You say you are patient buy then send passive aggressive messages if you haven't heard from someone.

Sounds like after 6 months the person becomes your world. Gifts, emails, always available to speak.........bit much for me.

Saying this there is someone who would love this I'm sure.

Think about it this way is the man who adores your behaviour the type of man you want?

@WhatMattersMost

As a therapist, I would echo the PPs who are suggesting therapy. Not so much to relate better to partners but to find out who you really are under the maladaptive behaviours you've developed out of some misplaced idea that you're not good enough or that you, or your life, has to live up to some kind of ideal.

I bet that, at heart, you're really not like this at all, and that there's a person under this who, once she finds herself, is entirely content in her own skin.

All things to do with romantic relationships will then fall into place. You may even discover that what you thought you wanted isn't really what you want after all.

This this this.

I'm in the first healthy relationship of my life, only two years in but going strong, and can barely recognise who I was in previous relationships.

Because I was single and in therapy and made a conscious decision not to date at all for a full year.

Dating as a well adjusted person with strong boundaries and self awareness is a revelation.

I'm a bit worried OP that your focus even on this thread isn't 'how do I get well', it's still 'have I lost him'.

But I bet you've felt this anxiety, this desperation, this 'oh fuck how can I win him back' gut feeling with other people before havent you?

It's not about this particular guy and it sounds like the foundations are already rocked, so the healthiest thing for you to do would be to be single and focus on working on yourself.

I think when the issues are as deeply rooted as it sounds like yours are, it's nigh on impossible to tackle them while navigating a relatively new relationship.

@gettingfedupagain

Omg! Give him some space. Give him a chance to miss you!

That's a very good point. You're not giving him any space to actually miss you or think about you of his own accord.

Do people think I’ve already ruined this with him? Nom. But it might be time for honesty.

"I've been reflecting recently and im worried ive come across a bit needy and full on. I just like you a lot but i get insecure so i want to do something to make you remember that I'm great 🙂 but i know it would be better to talk to you at the time"
sort of thing

I’m a bit of clean freak and hate other people in my kitchen, so I stopped at 1 TBH, but 3, 4, 6, would all put me right off, I think my male parts would simply retract sumo wrestler style, sorry.