Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

Teenagers can be awkward. Can you talk to your sister about all the things you've noticed and see what she makes of it all?

She does sound ungrateful and rude.
Have you talked to her parents? Maybe they can shed some light on this.

Impossible to know without hearing from her, but she’s 17, trying on adult identities. Maybe your relationship as it functioned in the past no longer works for her, or feels intrusive?

her loss, leave her to it.

Ask your sister, and be clear that you know there's a problem.

You can't fix a problem if you don't know what it is, and it may be simple to do - or it may not - but you can't know unless you ask.

What does your sister have to say about it? Teenagers can be arseholes for no good reason. Hopefully it is just a phase and she'll come out the other side.

Focus on your relationship with your nephew then. At least that's good.

It's a tricky age, perhaps she finds you a bit much. She's not your daughter yet you do come across as a mum grieving that her daughter is no longer speaking to her. Your sister is her mum.

Try not to let it bring you so low. She may come around in the future anyway for all you know.

I'm seeing my lovely sister again this weekend. She'll have my niece and nephew with her and I won't get a chance to talk to her alone.

I spoke to my sister a few months back about the incident where my niece ignored me on the walk. My sister asked me not to be hard on my niece because she'd had a tough time at school as she's been socially excluded by other pupils.

My sister says that my niece is just "a misery" who always has a scowl on her face.

I've tried to talk to her about the school situation, and reassure her that she's awesome, but my niece doesn't want to talk about it.

Maybe it's what Brimorion says, that our familial relationship no longer works / is intrusive.

Young people can be selfish and rude and feel awkward and underconfident. It might just be immaturity or she might feel you are too demanding. Relationships change over time. Just try to be patient and things might turn around again . You can't force a relationship. Just be there in the background without too much expectation.

Teenagers can be self-righteous nasty arseholes to be honest. It sounds like she is just being rude and unpleasant. I’d mention it to your sister, but just briefly say that you were hurt and upset, and then leave it for a while. Hopefully she’ll come out of whatever teenage narcissistic funk she’s in, and it may be that your sister can have a quiet word with her at some point about how to treat other people.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong though - you sound lovely. Has she recently got into some kind of political stuff and you’ve inadvertently said something she objects to/isn’t woke enough or similar? It’s sad that she can’t be pleasant and polite but wait and see how it goes, I think.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your insights and am taking on board all your comments and advice. I don't have my own kids so perhaps misunderstand children/ teens as I don't live with them full time.

Just for some further context I'm middle aged, never married and live alone. Never felt lonely in my life until the pandemic as I have always been pretty good at making friends / and enjoyed my own company.

Since the pandemic I have struggled with depression and never felt so lonely in my life. Maybe this is the problem, that I'm now seen as a sad sack. Nothing I can really do about that though except try to ignore it and get happier.

Maybe she’s self conscious and you’re asking probing, personal questions. At her age I got chronic social anxiety and would avoid anyone who overly focused attention on me, especially in front of others.

She's a 17 yo - they're often arseholes. We recently had dss girlfriend who's the same age come on holiday with us and I wanted to throttle her on several occasions! Rude, miserable, lazy. And she was a guest on our holiday!
They say familiarity breeds contempt, maybe she feels uncomfortable being so close with you now? It sounds like she's going through a confusing time, what with her mum saying she's always miserable? I'm sure it's not just you.

You sound like a wonderful auntie btw

I bet she'll come round when she's grown up,a bit.

Teenagers are a law unto themselves OP, and can go through some strange emotions and moods. I would have another chat to your sister - it doesn't have to be in person, can't you phone her? If she sheds no further light maybe just take a step back, and hopefully your niece will come around. You sound lovely, and I'm sure you've done nothing wrong.

17 year olds can be horrible I’m sure she’ll grow out of it.
You say you’re lonely and struggling with depression since the pandemic. Maybe she feels the relationship is too intense now or you’re relying on her too much for friendship.
Your OP sounds quite intense to me. It may not be but I wasn’t close to my aunts / uncles growing up. And at 17 I barely saw my parents let alone other relatives. I’m sure she’ll come round.

Such good advice from you all, thank you. You've made me feel much better! I think I will talk to her mum about it, and where my niece is concerned I'll back off and give her space. Her behaviour is just totally bewildering to me and a shock. At least, as a PP said, I can focus on my good relationship with my nephew, who is the complete opposite and will happily talk to me till the cows come home.
And as another PP wondered, yes my niece is very woke! I've no doubt said the wrong thing, or many wrong things at some point.

op, don't let her get to you. She's a teenager, they have the strangest ideas. It could be anything as random as the car you drive or the job you do aren't trending at the moment. A bit of hormonal rebellion might make her reject anyone over the age of 30. My ds finds his df numbingly embarrassing at the moment and won't be see in the same street. She (and he) will come round. Give her time and don't take it personally.

It isn't you.

My guess would be that she's unhappy and doesn't want you to ask her any questions.

Lockdown has been difficult for this age group and she probably doesn't know how to handle things.

I doubt you have done anything wrong. Just be patient & wait it out.

My teen DD has been really down and has become increasingly introverted. She won't speak to people either. It's her, not them.

I would love to thank you all individually but tiredness prevents it so thanks so much everyone - it's really helped to hear some different viewpoints that have helped me to put this into perspective.

When I was around her age I became very angry with my DF's partner. I had interpreted something she had said as being mean about my Grandfather who I adored. I wanted to avoid her all the time after that. Looking back, did I misinterpret what was said? Perhaps. Could something similar have happened? Could she have misinterpreted something you said, or did you even express a belief that she does not agree with (teens can be very passionate about their beliefs and get very angry when people think differently). I dont know if it's any of these things, just throwing out ideas that maybe you had not thought of.

You say that you've just tried to get her to talk to you about her problems. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it and so she avoids you in case you ask.

Please don't worry too much. My daughter, now in her late twenties, and I often laugh at how we hardly spoke during her terrible teenage years. It was tough at the time and there was nothing I could say or do that was right. Now we're best friends again and not just mother and daughter. This never happened with my sons who did not seem to go through the terrible teens in the way most girls do. Hang in there, I did and I'm glad I did, you will regain your closeness again soon.

What do you mean by woke?

It’s a word generally used with contempt, by people who think their views are superior.

What views does your niece hold that you’d describe as woke? What many many things have you said that might be seen as not woke?

I suspect there is much more to this.

@MissTrip82

What do you mean by woke?

It’s a word generally used with contempt, by people who think their views are superior.

What views does your niece hold that you’d describe as woke? What many many things have you said that might be seen as not woke?

I suspect there is much more to this.

FFS. Teenagers hold all sorts of views, and not all of them sensible, especially at the moment. As both a teenager and an adult I have encountered many many people, including relatives, with views or belief systems that aren’t mine or that I disagree with: I’ve always managed to be civil, kind and polite to them despite that! Are you suggesting the OP’s niece is entitled to be rude to her if she doesn’t agree with something the OP has said?

I don’t think I even saw my own parents much from ages 16-19 and my mum probably felt horribly rejected which I feel awful about now! I’d say give her some space and hopefully she’ll come out the other side (of being a moody teenager) soon!