Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

Sorry to hear that you have been having a tough time in your life.

Teens at that age are asserting their independence and usually just want to hang out with their peers. It’s a whole new world with just them I it. It’s also a time when they push boundaries to develop independence.

Your Dsis may be experiencing these things with her DD snd it’s not unusual for teenagers snd parents to clash big time. It could be that your niece feels she not only has one mum to clash with, but you too.

You sound lovely, but you do sound a bit full on and over involved in her life. As a teen she may hate this, but as a slightly older woman with possibly a family of her own, fully appreciate it. I think the only thing you can do is back off a bit.

I can’t believe all the ‘teens can be like that’ posts. The girl is 17 FFS not 14. We infantilise our children at society’s peril.

OP’s sister needs to call out the bad behaviour in private and sort it out - not acceptable to treat her aunt like that.

OP needs to back off, give the girl space but also try to let her know that she loves her and she’s there for her if needed. It may never be, but it leaves the door open for a more harmonious future.

I wonder if your niece has issues with her own mother then you are viewed as guilty by association?

This is a good point. If the poor girl's own mother says she's a misery, that's not very nice. That kind of attitude will be noticeable, even if she's not used that exact word in front of her daughter.

You sound lovely, I would do what you need to do to feel better in yourself first.

I still don't see what the teen has actually done wrong! She had a quiet word with mum about where she wanted to sit at a family dinner, she might have actually wanted to sit by a particular person, not just avoid the OP and the OP was the one that blew it up and confronted her in person. I consider that to be ruder than quietly rearranging yourself at a family dinner (I do this but am socially competent enough not to be overheard). She went on a walk listening to some music.

There's nothing bad about this teens behaviour, she's trying in a very subtle way to reajust the overly intense attentions of the aunt who wants to be close like when they were little.

Bad teen behaviour is: being directly rude, swearing, saying unpleasant things out loud, taking drugs, drinking too much, and so forth.

This teen is not doing anything that 'teenager' (I rearrange myself at dinners all the time not to sit next to the people I'm not so keen on, clever me!)

You sound lovely OP. With both my DS and DD there came a point in their teens where for a period of a couple of years they changed almost overnight. I know this was natural but they went from lovely cuddly engaging children to mono syllable responses, argumentative and difficult people to live with. This is what is happening with your niece. Remain calm, remain engaged... your true niece will be back in a couple of years... but these years will be hard work.

Totally agree with Dot. It’s rude and hurtful. Allowances need to be made for teen angst but consistent rudeness to other adults at that age needs to be stamped on hard by the parents. I remember the very few occasions my Dad spoke sharply to us as teens when we crossed the line and he was right to do so. It’s how you learn. Dread to think of the outcome of all this soppy parenting. Young people need some guidance on this.

She is just being a teenage girl my DD is doing the same rubbish and while I understand that, no, it isn't nice. I ignore all the stupidity but I don't ignore rudeness and nor should you and your sister.

And expect tears and blame when you do pull her up on being rude, it will be you who made her be rude according to her but regardless of that it usually stops for half an hour after something is said.

I'm sorry but going for a long walk (I presume she wasn't forced at gunpoint BTW) and ignoring the one person you're walking with and having earphones in the whole time?

I would go through my daughter for a short cut if she did that. Either have some bloody manners or stay home.

I’m sorry to say this but Teens confide in their peers not their maiden aunts.

It’s hard to accept for now, but in time she may come back to you and you will be able to develop an adult to adult friendship. For now, I agree with PP advising you to back away and wait this one out. Definitely don’t involve your sister. And remember, you are not her second mum.

How was she rude? She discreetly (but not quietly enough) asked to be seated elsewhere. I’d say the op was rude as to call her out on it in front of friends.

Headphones and not wanting to be quizzed and talked at about something she said she didn’t want to talk about? Yes rude. But the op was rude to talk about things her niece didn’t want to talk about.

I’d bet my last smartie there’s been a conversation between the teen and her mum about how difficult the teen is finding the op.

Did the teen even want to go on the long walk or was she railroaded into it?

I have an aunt who could have probably written your post, about me.

I can't speak for your neice but in my own case the relationship has disintegrated because despite being 27 and a parent, she very much still sees me as a child and speaks to me as such which I find incredibly patronising. I'm the youngest of her two nieces therefore the 'baby' in her eyes and she still views me through the lens of being that little girl who used to come and visit for holidays and go for days out etc.

There has also been alot of interfering and overstepping which isn't welcome, alot of her thinking she knows best and trying to force her ideals onto me.

When I was younger I didn't really notice or object to those qualities as they felt more 'motherly' but as I've reached adulthood it just feels inappropriate and intrusive.

I'm pretty much no contact now for various other issues.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you're able to fix the relationship, it obviously means alot to you.

Doesn't sound like she's going to be railroaded into anything tbh.

I wonder why on earth she's coming along at the weekend.

OP I’m sorry you are upset and you sound a lovely kind auntie. Parenting styles differ and all teenagers have their moments but if one of mine wore headphones and refused to talk to a relative on a walk or was rude to them at a family party there would be consequences. It is part of growing up to learn that your drama doesn’t give you the right to be unpleasant to other people. It sounds like good advice to step back for now and hopefully she will grow out of it. And now things are opening up so you can find interesting things to join and do locally which will help you feel better in yourself x

@northernstar0412 Bless you, you sound like an amazing aunt!

Don't worry though, girls are like this when they get to their mid to late teens, sometimes for 4 or 5 years. Your niece will come round. I promise. It's just not 'cool' to be close friends with your aunt when you're 17! Most girls are like this, even with their parents!

Your niece will be your friend again one day. You'll see!

At 17, I don't make my teenagers go on walks with their relatives any more. We stopped that a few years back. Now, if they want to go for a walk with their granny, fab, but compulsory trudging around with relatives, nope!

Polite hello, sit and have a quick chat, all fine, but you can't force teens to like their relatives, mine love some of them, don't mind others and have one or two they actively avoid (mainly due to being neglected by them in earlier years).

You can make them be polite, but you can't force a genuine loving relationship which is presumably what the OP wants, not just a child forced into politeness who will simply not look back once they leave home.

You've had some wonderful advice here OP (apart from lookitsme).

I can't see that your niece has done anything wrong at all.

You sound really self-aware and have gone through a torrid time.

Just imagine what the pandemic and lockdown has been like for our young people at a time when they're trying to assert their independence and form strong bonds with peers. It's been utterly devastating. And teens don't have the benefit of self-awareness, or a fully developed frontal cortex so they can rationalise that this won't last forever, that it's not 'them'...

You do need to back off. Leave your sister alone to do her parenting her way. Start rebuilding your own life and make yourself happy, so that when your niece is ready (and it might be years from now), she will return to you in the knowledge that you'll welcome her with open arms, not with the expectation of an apology or an explanation, just unconditional acceptance.

In all honesty (and I am mortified to admit this) my Aunt could have written this about me when I was 17. I was utterly horrible to her and would blank her or get out of seeing her at any opportunity. It wasn’t her fault, but I barely saw my parents. I think now it was just me separating myself from people who very much still saw me as a child.

We became quite good friends by my mid 20s and I was devastated when she died in my early 30s. But being such a little cow to her when I was 17 is one of my life’s biggest regrets.

So hang in there, back off and remember it’s not you at all.

She's being a bit rude, your sister is being a bit shit, you're being a bit intense.

If I were you, I'd find a new project or hobby that will make your niece less important to you as she's probably going to check out a bit for a while. The cosy times and playground sessions will seem a lifetime ago for her.

Keep in touch and offer to do things with her, but don't push it.

I think your sister isn’t overly investing in sorting this out as first, she’s probably become accustomed to the teenage behaviour and shrugs it off and secondly now that her daughter is no longer little there’s no real benefit to her in you being close to niece, as there clearly was some years ago when you gave her masses of help. So your emotional investment in the aunt/niece relationship doesn’t mean that much to her.

I had an aunt who I was close to growing up. She didn’t have children and was like a fun version of my mum. As I got older, we drifted apart, and to be honest, don’t really have that close relationship anymore. The dynamic worked well when I was a child and she was an older relative, but things changed once I grew up and we couldn’t really make the dynamic work. Hopefully this won’t be the case with your niece but I think you have to be prepared for the relationship to be very different.

@DotBall I guess we disagree what infantilisation is

To me, contacting a 17 year old’s MOTHER to get her to whip the 17yr old into shape is much more infantilising than simply backing if and respecting the 17 year old’s need for space

The bottom line is that you cannot make someone like you. And if the girl does not like her aunt right now, that’s that. And will probably resolve itself.

I was made to write long letters to an aunt, who was lonely, and my letters mattered so much to her. I did it. But once I left home I did not continue. I would have preferred to spend time/write to the other aunt who was actually not that interested in me as she was too busy with her own life, travelling to China often… that was the person J wanted to talk to at 17

Your DN will come back to you but right now giver her space and be there in the background.

My teenage nieces don’t want to go out with me (or any other “boomers”) because I am old and boring it’s life.

Sounds to me like she feels you are over-invested in her. It’s not justified but I remember feeling like that when I was a teenager about people I was close to as a child. I didn’t want the pressure of validating the relationship or having to re-enact the “special connection” at every gathering.

I’m not for one second saying you expect this but it might be what she thinks you want, and it feels heavy and intense for her - especially now she has given you the cold shoulder a couple of times

Teenagers can be vile at times, sorry but they can. Write her a letter, telling her exactly how you feel, don't be accusatory or try to blame just outline how the rejection has made you feel and if she can explain her reasoning for being cold and dismissive toward you.
Once you've written it and sent it go about your day and try not to give the situation headspace as you have no control over how she's going to be going foward .
She may write back, she may ring you or she may choose to ignore you.
If you're in her company in the future just say 'hi' and go chat to other people, don't ask her if she's ok etc. Could be a power thing.....could be that you're 'not cool enough', could be anything.
She'll come round but in the meantime try not to stress it's not you x