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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

332 replies

northernstar0412 · 18/08/2021 01:20

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

OP posts:
BlackAlys · 18/08/2021 18:47

@irresistibleoverwhelm

I wondered if it was that you were being punished for not having the “right” views!

Yes teenagers can be really horrible and always have been, but there’s also a lot of angry stuff about in the ether at the moment.
I teach university students - have done since I was 22 myself - and there seems to have been a big change in youth culture over the past few years - the past 3-5 years maybe? Where they used to be generally very engaged (and generally very hardworking, respectful, resilient, lovely young people); I’ve noticed a big change towards a very oppositional and militant youth culture recently. It’s as if where three or five years ago+, they were all keen to find out what other people could teach them.

Now they are all very resistant and seem to have decided that anyone in any teaching or authority position is old and bigoted and there to disagree with or be suspicious of. I’ve got some sabbatical coming up and I’m frankly relieved, because I’ll get a bit of a break from the sulky students rolling their eyes at me. The last 2-3 years have really been like wading through treacle - lots of subjects you can’t even mention or there will be sucked-lemon faces and threats of letters written to your employer. Mine frequently say they want to do the history of feminist theory and sexuality (my subject), but then say they will only work on material they approve of and nothing else (which is not really how university works…) It’s exhausting.

It’s getting v tiring that they seem to regard anyone over 25 as a bigot. If your niece is influenced by this aspect of current youth culture then she isn’t alone in her attitude and you probably just have to wait until she gets a bit more life experience!

This - quite worrying.
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 18/08/2021 19:10

[quote SingingInTheShithouse]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

& the OP spitting the dummy out & saying she'll do what other family members do & don't bother with the DN from now on is okay in your book

Weird Confused[/quote]
Not only that, but it seems like she is saying she should also ignore her sister and nephew from now on. Talk about a toddler temper tantrum all because her Niece wants some space from her.

Abhannmor · 18/08/2021 19:34

Teenagers. They all have that ' please don't embarrass me ' phase. And it hurts if you think ( as many of us do) that you are good friends as well as relatives. I'm afraid you just have to wait it out. Cold comfort I know but they do it to mums and dads too!

Lessthanfour · 18/08/2021 19:59

I don't see that the niece has done anything wrong. She sounds like every teenager I've ever met - trying to be an adult and expressing opinions on important issues and being independent. And generally younger generations find their parents generation embarrassing or backwards so don't want to spend extended periods with them.

The comment about her sexual experience is unusual and suggests to me that maybe you ask too many questions, or ones that she isn't comfortable answering.

And as for her mother, is it possible that she is not forcing her daughter to interact with her aunt because she, as a young adult, has made it clear she doesn't want to right now? My mother likely would have told me I was being rude in private but definitely wouldn't have forced me to talk to, or sit next to, someone if I didn't want to.

I also believe she will come around in time. It could be a couple of years, and likely won't be the same relationship it was when she was younger, but please don't punish her because you're upset.

namechangeandNC · 18/08/2021 20:04

I would guess that it's her age, combined with a million and other things about being a teenage girl. They're often quite objectionable! Who knows what / if there was a thing that you did - if it was the thing you mentioned about the JK Rowling conversation or something else entirely or nothing at all.

Shes 17, it's been a really difficult time for teenagers of her age - really important years educationally and indeed socially have been totally ruined and turned on their heads. The normal "rites of passage" haven't happened for 17 year olds.

I totally understand why you love her the way you do, why you care for her and love her as much as your own, but remember that she likely isn't able yet to comprehend that sort of relationship. I mean teenage girls fall out with their actual mums enough! But what I mean is - whilst you love her in this way, it might not be the same way that she sees you. You love her as if she were your own - but her Mum is her Mum - she isn't going to be looking for anyone else to love her like her Mum does / have that relationship with her.

So it might just be a torrid mixture of age, the last 18 months making things for people her age incredibly difficult, her own relationship with her parents etc - Don't forget 16-17 is the age that teenagers are moving away from their parents - going out with their friends to do things etc but that hasn't been happening for her - at the age that children usually start to move away from parents / parent figures , she's been spending MORE time than usual with them - it's will have been difficult!!

So I think it's probably a mix of everything OP. Your idea to step back I think is a good one, solely based on age if not anything else. I would imagine none of us were the same at 17 as we are now, so I wouldn't just write this off as you'll never have a close relationship with her again.

Continue being there for her as she needs you to be - right now that means giving her a lot more space than you'd like, I understand, and that is upsetting for you. But I would imagine if you show you respect and value her by giving her what she needs, she isn't going to push you away forever.

AnaViaSalamanca · 18/08/2021 20:11

Haven’t RTFT but I had something like this with my mother’s beat friend (who had no children). I found her a bit clingy. I preferred to hang out with people my own age, had nothing in common with her and had to tolerate her attempts to be my friend. The thing is you are from the previous generation group, her mother’s equivalent and her sister to boot, so she can’t act completely free with you. And you are jot her mother so you don’t have that bond either.

My advice is to just step back a bit ans give it some years. She will grow out of it. I did

QueenHofScotland · 18/08/2021 21:07

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer you are being unkind. I think the OP is actually hurting and venting on here.

Nanny67 · 18/08/2021 21:16

My dd is 19 and since the day she turned 17 I don't recognise her. I have been eaten up with worry and anxiety thinking what have I done wrong. She ignores all texts and phone calls, moved out to her dad's and literally won't speak to me. After reading these comments I feel more reassured that this is "normal" !

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 18/08/2021 21:21

[quote QueenHofScotland]@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer you are being unkind. I think the OP is actually hurting and venting on here.[/quote]
The OP is an adult, who is upset that her Niece wants space from her (fair enough, I get that can hurt) but her response to that is she is going to just ignore not just the niece, but also her sister and nephew (who have done nothing to her to be ignored for) and then throws in "like everyone else does". Implying that she is the only person who has contact with the family (bit of a drip feed and implying there is something about her sister's family no one else likes). A 17 year old is upset with her (perhaps over her trans comment, perhaps because when she wanted to go on a walk alone she forced herself on her, or perhaps something op has failed to share). Teenagers can be difficult, but op's reaction to cutting off the whole family is WAY over the top and tells you a lot about what the op must be like. Just my opinion of course, which I'm entitled to.

aerosocks · 18/08/2021 21:47

She might only look 13 from the outside, but I can't help wondering whether you are still thinking of her - and treating her - as a child rather than the young (almost) adult she now is. Most older teenagers would rather do anything other than spend time with middle-aged relatives. It is seriously uncool. There's no point in trying to talk to them when they are feeling like this, it just makes them feel even more uncomfortable and avoid you all the more.

Please try not to take her rejection personally.

Northernparent68 · 19/08/2021 19:55

I have n’t read the whole thread but if your niece has been socially excluded by her peers, this might be a projection.

Northernparent68 · 19/08/2021 21:05

I’ve now read some of the thread, I mean this nicely but it all sounds a bit tense, environmental issues,, discussing trans issues, protecting your niece from men, (did they really cast looks at her ? )

ShingleBeach · 20/08/2021 09:19

OP, I am genuinely sorry that you are so upset.

I don’t think it is ‘you’ your DN is avoiding, but your behaviour.

Plenty of PP are trying to explain, rather than have a go at you, because they want to help.

Honestly, your behaviour is not ‘over bearing’ it is controlling. Plenty of abusive husbands restrict their parters movements due to ‘worry’. You were not in her side: you ganged up with her over protective mum and became a minder on behalf of her mum.

I have an aunt who is both controlling and needy. She does lots of things you describe including sending newspaper cuttings. I can’t stand it. But the thing is, if she just treated me as an equal rather than someone to answer her own need for attention (by ‘looking after me’ and expecting me to be grateful) I would want to spend a LOT more time with her.

You can change your behaviour, you can, in time, make a new relationship with your DN.

Counselling? To help with the hurt and rejection and also to get constructive support to learn new ways to be with people?

Good luck, OP.

FightLikeABrave · 21/08/2021 12:38

Has anyone else been getting private messages or is it just me? Hmm

ElspethFlashman · 21/08/2021 13:26

Me too. OP has left the thread.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/08/2021 07:04

@FightLikeABrave

Has anyone else been getting private messages or is it just me? Hmm
From OP?
AnotherOldGeezer · 22/08/2021 08:21

Just in case you (OP) are still reading this

I think you have been a wonderful aunt. It’s vital to keep to the moral high ground by being as you were before with your sister and nephew, and being pleasant with your niece without engaging emotionally. Gives her the space to come back to you

An event from prehistoric times

I loved the Beatles’ first album. I then went right off them. My parents bought me their second album for my birthday and I went mad with them! What a brat - sounds just like this niece ...

FightLikeABrave · 22/08/2021 10:35

Yes, youvegotten. I have received unpleasant, private messages from the OP as have a number of other contributors on this thread.

banisher · 22/08/2021 11:50

What kind of messages?

Excelthetube · 22/08/2021 11:58

But weird to not let someone go for a walk on their own at 17!

But yes she probably thinks your trying too hard and that’s beyond cool for a near adult.

I had a friend of my mums who was like this. It was hard work. And weirdly I would love to have reconnected with her when I was a bit older but she got in such a tizz over me being a typical teenager I don’t think it’s really possible now. She will always take those years personally. Even though I was the same with everyone really.

CausingChaos2 · 22/08/2021 11:59

It all sounds normal teenage behaviour. At that age I wanted to be around people my own age, not older aunts and uncles. The more you try to force things with her the more off putting it will be to her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/08/2021 12:00

@FightLikeABrave

Yes, youvegotten. I have received unpleasant, private messages from the OP as have a number of other contributors on this thread.
Ugh how weird! I can't imagine what she would have said but sorry to hear that. What an oddball!
Excelthetube · 22/08/2021 12:09

Weirder and weirder!

GreatestShowman · 22/08/2021 12:18

Yes, youvegotten. I have received unpleasant, private messages from the OP as have a number of other contributors on this thread

Such as what?

FightLikeABrave · 22/08/2021 13:21

I’m not going to cut and paste the messages I received here. MN are aware of them.