Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

My mum wouldn’t let me get away with treating anyone that way when I was a teen, let alone a family member.

I’m sure she’ll get over it, but it’s a shame your sister is enabling her unpleasant behaviour. Not a good idea in the long run.

I think it's quite sad that some posters are saying cut off presents etc. I have an 18 cut off anyway for monetary presents for relatives unless it's a special birthday like 21st, but cutting her off now at 17 will only reinforce her negative feelings about herself.

This exact thing happened to my lovely mother with her niece/my cousin when she was a similar age. Mum was gutted - but my cousin was going through a lot of ‘stuff’ and completely shut down. I wouldn’t take it personally. People take things out on those closest to them. And teenagers really are a completely different kettle of fish, they can be so self absorbed and selfish. I can almost guarantee she will grown out of it and it will just be an unfortunate episode to look back on. Do not think that it is a reflection on you - it will not be.

I have to agree with posters who say that your depression and isolation is causing you to overinvest in your relationships with your niece and nephew.

Also, things like mentioning your niece being socially excluded at school would be so hurtful to her, because of her mother's betrayal of her private issues and you 'wanting to make it better' which you just can't. At 17, it's irrelevant if your aunt/mum think you're awesome - it's the views of your peers that count.

It sounds like you need to take action around your depression and isolation, partly to 'future proof' yourself against your niece and nephew becoming adults and their lives moving even further away from yours.

Back off, establish more of your own interests and connections, look after yourself, be there if they need you.

Total guess here but...You've mentioned she is woke, so if you have said or done something Not Allowed there is a chance she has relayed this to friends who have reacted with righteous horror and told her to cut you out. Since these friends may be the same ones excluding her she is possibly tying you in with all these negative emotions.
And she can't tell you "Don't talk to me I hate you because you said X".

Just for some further context I'm middle aged, never married and live alone. Never felt lonely in my life until the pandemic as I have always been pretty good at making friends / and enjoyed my own company.

Since the pandemic I have struggled with depression and never felt so lonely in my life. Maybe this is the problem, that I'm now seen as a sad sack. Nothing I can really do about that though except try to ignore it and get happier.

You seem quite self aware and able to pinpoint the change in your mental health, yet you believe that your niece has changed her behaviour solely in response to something you've done. It probably isn't about you - this has been a truly shit year for teenagers, so it would be surprising if she hasn't been affected by the pandemic etc, and if she's being bullied as well, then she's probably really struggling.

Instead of adding yourself to the list of 'problems' she has, why not just focus on your nephew, who does want to spend time with you, and assume that her issues are her own, to work through with her parents, and not something that you caused or can fix.

She'll have my niece and nephew with her and I won't get a chance to talk to her alone.

So call her?

Niece just sounds like a normal stroppy 17-year old. Sorry if she's upset you but she has not thought about the consequences of her actions. She's just 17 and selfish. She'll grow out of it.

I haven't read the full thread, but I wonder if she's just growing out of extended family? I personally have very little interest in my extended family and have felt the same since I was a teenager. No one particularly did anything wrong, and my Mum is incredibly close to my aunts and uncle, but I just have no feeling of them being important to me as I got older and started to find my own family in my friends at university and then my partner and his family. I personally felt like I only really had the brain space to focus on my immediate family and wasn't interested in being part of the wider family group anymore, particularly once I left home. It makes my Mum sad sometimes and I think a little worried about what will happen when she dies, but I'm personally very happy to just see people once every few years.

You sound like a really lovely Aunt though, so maybe it's nothing like this at all! I second what some other posters have said about this being a strange time for teenagers.

@converseandjeans

My guess would be that she's unhappy and doesn't want you to ask her any questions.

Lockdown has been difficult for this age group and she probably doesn't know how to handle things.

I doubt you have done anything wrong. Just be patient & wait it out.

My teen DD has been really down and has become increasingly introverted. She won't speak to people either. It's her, not them.

This.

And if she is being socially excluded she will be feeling pretty shit. Who knows what is going on in her head. She may have felt obliged to walk with you, but was too unhappy to speak, hence the headphones. She may not want to sit with you BECAUSE you try to talk to her about the issues in her life.

She's very young and she is going through a hard time too, especially with lockdown. She is focussing on how she is feeling, not on how it it is making you feel. That's pretty normal for her age.

My sister went through a period like this at 17. It was like someone flicked a switch. Although most of her ire was directed at particular school staff (we were at boarding school) our parents didn't escape even though they were 12,000km away. The thing is, that anyone who was associated with the staff or our parents were deemed guilty by association and she was absolutely vile to them too. I wonder if your niece has issues with her own mother then you are viewed as guilty by association?

Oh that must be so upsetting for you. If she's had a tough time at school then maybe she simply is just a miserable, grumpy teenager?
That doesn't mean it's ok for her to be rude and unkind though and I think your sister should 100% be pulling her up on it. I hope it's just a teenage phase and she comes back to you.

I'd back right off and give her space. She's more likely to come back to you in future if you do that than if you push it

I feel for you northernstar0412 as like you I have no children but am a proud aunt of two nephews.

Your sister says she is being a 'misery' and is having problems at school. Your sister might have said this to make you feel better but possibly things are not great at home either.

I think I'd lay off the phone calls but still send an occasional light text eg about something you both like. I would also avoid mentioning her not wanting to sit next to you when you see them. It wasn't good manners on her part but it doesn't sound as if she would be receptive to anything you said.

It's a huge advantage for children and young people to have a trusted adult in their lives as well as their parents - we do practical things, as well as being a source of objective advice and emotional support. But I think the role is very much shaped by the child in question. My brother has a different relationship with my nephews to me.

It will be an added pressure on her at a difficult time if you place demands on her for companionship or behaviour that she is not able to meet. Keep on being there for her but I think your friend is right that you should try to conceal your feelings.

I can’t believe you called her out in public in front of friends for not wanting to sit beside you. Can’t you understand that was deeply inappropriate?

I have experience of this- one minute you are the person they are close to, chat to, enjoy spending time with, the next they appear not to like you very much, avoid you, go 'oh god' when you knock on their bedroom door and moan to their friends about how unreasonable and awful you are!

It hurts. But it is fairly typical.

Yes, perhaps your sister should have a word with your niece about being polite in family situation. However, perhaps at 17, going on walks with your auntie having polite chats isn't what she wants to do, or can even cope with (our local MH services are overrun with teens with genuinely quite awful MH right now). It would have been better if she'd been asked to say 'hi, how are you' answer one sentence and then left to her own devices.

With the sitting next to such and such, she may be quite anxious, and may have wanted to sit next to her mum or someone else, rather than actively wanting not to sit next to you.

I think everyone has given you great advice on tackling your own feelings of being down and lonely during this pandemic first, and perhaps understanding her behaviour in the same light- perhaps she is depressed and struggling and that's coming out in her inability to be upbeat and 'niece-like' in the way you would like.

It is hard though, it's like they suddenly see you as the enemy and not as a friend, it's a phase, it will pass, I wouldn't push it, just be friendly but more distant and built up your own life. I'd be very surprised if she didn't come back to you at some point in the future.

Stop trotting out the teenager excuse folks

Being a teenager doesn’t give you the right to be an arsehole

Your sister should be sorting out her behaviour

There is no way any of us behaved like that growing up and our parents would it have stood for that

My sister is also a devoted Aunty and there’s no way I’d tolerate such unkindness from my kids

You’re right, I would enforce basic manners as her mother. But I think others are trying to reassure op that that age can bring some bewildering behave that parents are used to but that aunts without children might find shocking.

Behaviour

Stop trotting out the teenager excuse folks so what has the teen actually done wrong really? Went on a walk with her headphones on, my kids do this all the time. Wanted to sit near someone else, possibly her mum, and was then confronted by the aunt?

Sorry, but the OP's own thinking and loneliness is causing her to over-interpret fairly standard stuff. The niece hasn't been directly rude to her, or hung up or told her to go away or anything. She just doesn't want to hang out with her auntie right now.

You can enforce politeness and I would expect mine to come and say hello and answer a few polite questions. Beyond that, relationships are built by two people, not imposed by one, and the niece is a pretty typical teen in not fancying intimate chats with her auntie when she's probably feeling emotionally fragile herself.

Once the teen leaves home, she doesn't have to see her aunt again, it's all by choice, so isn't it better to be polite but flexible at this stage than impose the 'you will be nice to your auntie' stuff and watch her avoid her permanently?

@TheWholeJingbang

Stop trotting out the teenager excuse folks

Being a teenager doesn’t give you the right to be an arsehole

Your sister should be sorting out her behaviour

There is no way any of us behaved like that growing up and our parents would it have stood for that

My sister is also a devoted Aunty and there’s no way I’d tolerate such unkindness from my kids

Nothing that OP has said indicates that her DN is being 'an arsehole'.

In the restaurant situation, it sounds like DN was trying to save OP's feelings by mentioning quietly to her mother that she didn't want to sit next to her aunt.

That's called having personal boundaries, not being 'an arsehole'.

@TheWholeJingbang

Stop trotting out the teenager excuse folks

Being a teenager doesn’t give you the right to be an arsehole

Your sister should be sorting out her behaviour

There is no way any of us behaved like that growing up and our parents would it have stood for that

My sister is also a devoted Aunty and there’s no way I’d tolerate such unkindness from my kids

It sounds like she's mostly being polite - she just doesn't want the massively consuming close relationship that her aunt does. She doesn't (for example) have to go on a long walk and have a nice chat with her aunt, just because her aunt wants this.

The remark about not wanting to sit next to her was unkind, but it was not meant for the aunt's ears, and we actually don't know the context of it - maybe she just meant she preferred to sit next to someone she hadn't seen for ages?

Insisting to teens that they must have a relationship with relatives is the most sure fire way of ensuring that they won't.

My parents bemoan the lack of closeness now my DC are teens. My children are perfectly polite and answer questions and make conversation about topics of interest to my parents. Up to a point. And then they get bored and want to do something else.

And my parents' suggestion is generally something that they want to do because they remember happy times when the DC were younger e.g. they suggest going to the beach. DC are happy to go to the beach but they want to sunbathe and listen to music. My parents would be hurt by that and consider it to be ignoring them. But my DC don't want to build a large sandcastle with their grandparents, which is what the GPs want to do, so they say they don't want to go to the beach. And then their grandparents complain they never want to do anything.

The issue is lack of common ground and understanding. Teens (or indeed children of any age) do not exist to make adults happy and feel good about themselves.

Exactly. She didn’t want to sit beside her aunt. Well, I’m middle aged and there are people I don’t want to be stuck with at a family dinner and I would definitely speak up to anyone who tried to make me sit with them. I always used to end up stuck with my relative and the young kids at family dinners and eventually I said. I don’t want to sit there. It’s someone else’s turn.

Why is it wrong for the op’s niece to say the same? She wasn’t rude, she spoke to her mum about it and then the op publicly shamed her into sitting with her.

Or don’t young adults get a choice? That’s the wrong message to send in my opinion.

As far as phone calls - I used to hate when my relative phoned me nosing into all my life I didn’t want to tell them everything that I had going on in the way I did when I was 5. She’s entitled to privacy and to decide who she shares stuff with. And the op pushing on the school stuff. Again. I’d have hated that and said I don’t want to talk about it. That is humiliating for her to know that her mum has been sharing personal troubles with the op.

Her behaviour is not uncommon in girls of this age.I have two. They can literally change overnight and its quite baffling. I know you aren't a Mum, but have a read of Lorraine Candy's new book. Its very insightful. This sort of behaviour is hurtful, especially when you are feeling at a low ebb yourself. I would give nice a wide berth and ask your sis if there is more to it. x

I remember when dh sat next to his niece at a family event, and she got up and moved down the table. Dh was so embarrassed and mortified. She was very rude, but some teens are like this. 99% of teens are awkward, but most would suffer sitting next to a boring relative for a short time, whereas others strut their bolshiness proudly.

The woke thing is interesting. In the past we all groaned at out-of-date parents and outmoded attitudes (although probably less than previous generations). Today’s young people have a cause and some of them have gone totally ott with it. Social media encourages “cancelling” even the mildest of transgressors - no second chance, let alone being amused.