Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

I suspect it is your close relationship that has meant your niece is treating you like this, as it is far more in the realm of parent - teen dynamics than anything else. My 16 yo can be pretty horrible to me, and has become very sensitive to the slightest remark. She is very anxious and has had a tough time during lockdown too. Though she can be very rude, attempting to impose sanctions is counter productive and being aloof but polite works much better. Showing you are upset will likely be fuel to her fire, unfortunately.

Try to see it as her showing you how she feels, most likely not about you, but about life in general. It's a difficult age and they are trying to negotiate the transition to adulthood, finding out who they are as they do. Taking it out on you probably shows how close she feels to you, as she wouldn't behave like that with someone where she feared losing the relationship.

To me you sound very clingy and overly dependent on your niece and nephew to meet your emotional needs. She is 17 and honestly she doesn't have to talk or sit next to anyone that is making her feel uncomfortable. If this was about an over bearing uncle then I am sure that replies would be quite different

I think you sound like you want far more from the relationship that your niece does. I think it comes across as overbearing. It was really odd to overheard your niece privately telling her mum something and for you to run over to confront her. Clearly there is a reason she didn’t want to sit next to you.

Similarly, you trying to talk to her about her school situation and ‘reassure her that she’s awesome’ seems overbearing and I personally don’t think it’s surprising that she didn’t want to sit next to you. It doesn’t seem like it’s your place. I’d have found it incredibly uncomfortable at 16 for an aunt to talk to me about things like that.

I’m a teacher and have dealt with lots of teenage angst over the years!
A few things jump out from your OP (haven’t read all the posts). Firstly, and I mean this kindly, I think you have become too dependent on this relationship. You say you were like a second mother to her - did she say this or did you just think this? You weren’t her mother, you were a relation who was kind and friendly.
Secondly, perhaps she felt a bit overwhelmed, as she got older, and uncomfortable. 17 year olds aren’t stupid, she might have been able to sense that you wanted more from her than perhaps she was prepared to give.
Thirdly, if she’s going through a tough time at school, with people being unkind to her, a very human (but not very nice) way of reacting to that is for her to find someone to be mean to herself, to make her feel better. And who better, in her view, than the aunt who is making herself very vulnerable?
Fourthly, 17 year olds can be very thoughtless.

Look - here’s my advice. Step away. Back off. You can’t force a relationship with your niece that she doesn’t want to have. Yes it’s sad. You sound like you had a full and interesting life pre-pandemic. Work on getting back to that now. Your niece doesn’t owe you a close relationship.

She does owe you civility however. If she is rude to you in public again, say that it is not acceptable to talk to you like that then move away, calmly. She’s not your friend.

Another parent to similar aged DD to your niece. I will also echo many young people this age behave in a similar way.

My DP Han no children of his own. Like you he engages positively with my DC, asking questions and generally interested in their lives.

My DD at time has been downright rude. I know it's upset him, but equally he has frustrated her.

We seem to have found a middle ground. He has stopped asking her questions (it was starting to feel a bit like a script). He picks his moments more wisely now and will keep it non personal I.e. if she is listening to music he will ask who they are? Will they be at a festival she's going too? What is the genre? He has found she will engage in these types of conversations positively. Also, once engaged the conversation will flow a bit then.

My DD is also the same with me. Delightful one minute, moody the next. I agree with others, ignoring the mood (once quickly checking she is ok) is the best policy.

At that age friends are the most important people in their lives. They have 24/7 contact with them via social media. They are involved in numerous chat groups etc. They do come out the other side and become chatty again. You just need to give them the space to do so.

I also agree with other posters. It sounds like you have a very close and positive relationship with your niece and she is pushing the boundaries in the same way she would a parent. It's not nice and it is hurtful, but it will get better.

I was close to my neice and she even lived with me for a couple of months due to problems at home and her mother’s severe health condition. She then hit a difficult period where she went abroad and we hardly spoke. She was busy when she had a baby but then she started contacting me more and our relationship blossomed. There are only 14 years between us and she is now the little sister I never had. Hang on in there . You sound a lovely auntie . Give her space and hopefully she will grow out of it .

You do sound very intense and overbearing.

I had a relative who was similar when I was younger. As I grew up it was too much. They weren’t my parent and I didn’t want to be their prop and have them know everything about my life. They weren’t my parent. It was just too much for me.

Step back for a while and see how things go.

@northernstar0412

I'm seeing my lovely sister again this weekend. She'll have my niece and nephew with her and I won't get a chance to talk to her alone.

I spoke to my sister a few months back about the incident where my niece ignored me on the walk. My sister asked me not to be hard on my niece because she'd had a tough time at school as she's been socially excluded by other pupils.

My sister says that my niece is just "a misery" who always has a scowl on her face.

I've tried to talk to her about the school situation, and reassure her that she's awesome, but my niece doesn't want to talk about it.

Maybe it's what Brimorion says, that our familial relationship no longer works / is intrusive.

I think intrusiveness could be the issue I'm afraid. Her mum confided in you about the school issue which in your niece's eyes may have been a breach of trust. And to make matters worse, you tried to talk to her about it, which she probably found humiliating and embarrassing.

It's very hard for teens to admit difficulties and she probably didn't want you to know that she is the subject of bullying or is unpopular at school. It would have been OK to talk about it if she had asked your advice but not otherwise.

I know you and your sister's intentions were good, and there is no justification for rudeness towards you, but your niece may feel betrayed and that she can't trust anyone to keep her secrets. Nor does she probably like the idea that she is the subject of conversation between you two, behind her back. She also might be slightly jealous of the relationship you have with your sister.

Also, teens aren't known for their sensitivity towards others. Harsh though this sounds, she won't care about your current loneliness, partly because the caring part of her brain hasn't developed properly yet, and partly because she has enough on her own plate and doesn't have enough stability in herself to be able to give you what you want.

Teens are involved in a battle to separate themselves off from their parents in order to become independent individuals. And as you were so close to her previously, you may represent part of something she wishes to pull away from for now. My advice to you would be to back off and give her the space she needs, as she will "come back" eventually. Trust me, its not unusual for parents to feel that an alien has come in the form of adolescent hormones and stolen their formerly smiling and happy child away! And we are all badly dressed and embarrassing in their eyes so don't worry about that!

Finally, why can't you ring your sister today and ask her directly if she can spare 40 mins without the dc so you could go out for a coffee together at the weekend? You could then tell her you are lonely and have a proper adult conversation?

I hope this doesn't sound rude but I think this issue with your neice has arisen at a time when you are feeling low and you are conflating the two issues when they are entirely separate. I understand this because I have been going through menopause at a time when my teen girls (actually one of them is "borrowed" from extended family and is living with us atm) are similarly withdrawn, critical, moody, simetimes rude, and it can be very hurtful. And just at a time when I need to be strong to deal with it , I have felt wobbly and tearful. The best strategy I have found is to step away from the family slightly, not be so available, and go out and get support for myself in order that I can be strong for them, because they need a stable, grounded, calm mother atm, who is not susceptible to their up and down moods!

Good luck op!

I think if you even fuss in anyway around your niece she will view that as you treating her like a child,I doubt you said anything wrong. Also it could be a combination of things with her getting shunned by other pupils and that is very difficult for her and yourself feeling extra lonely due to pandemic that maybe you hurt more easily.I would imagine in time your relationship will repair itself.Girls are moody compared to boys

I wasn't remotely interested in the rest of my family as a teen, only my friends. I wouldn't have wanted a fun relative chatting or enquiring about my life, especially if it wasn't going well, I wouldn't want to admit that I had no friends at all.

Teenagers and headphones, par for the course.

I think this is about you not her, to be honest. You sound a bit over invested and full on. Almost embarrassingly seeking unwanted attention.
Sounds harsh, but she wants space, peers with things in common and not a middle aged best friend.

I suspect you're a) not woke enough now and b) ask awkward questions/are too open.

She's not open now. She's v possibly being bullied a bit and she is at the age to be v closed and not v empathetic as so wrapped up in her own troubles. And hormones.

Give her space and don't take it personally. Don't push it. She'll come back.

I know it's hard but it's the best way to keep her.

If I were in your shoes, I'd send a message to my sister asking to speak with her before they visit.
Have a quick phone call (your sister can move to her bedroom and you can be wherever you want as there shouldn't be anyone overhearing your end of the call) and say that you're very upset at how your niece is treating you. You will not put up with it any longer. She is nearly an adult and no other adult should or would put up with that kind of behaviour and you want it to stop. Your niece is behaving really rudely towards you and only you and either she says what is bothering her (to clear the air) or she doesn't but she does not get to behave like that any more in your company.
This idea that you're going to 'give her space' is just another way to say that you're going to put up with her treating you badly in front of others and that you're permitting her to do that too.
I honestly wouldn't do that
Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it, and this might be one of those times for her. You're a nice person, you're doing your best and she has to behave politely and not rudely in your company. You just won't put up with it anymore and you'll start calling her out on this behaviour even out in public if she pulls any stunts again.

That's what I would do.

But everyone is different and you may not want to go down that path for whatever reason you may have.

It's awful, but everyone can sense when others are "needy". (I say this as a former needy person myself and without any judgment on you whatsoever by the way).

When you're a kid it seems normal that people love you and want to know everything - or you just don't have a choice about sharing and assume it's expected.

As you get older, you learn how to put your guard up more to protect yourself and become more independent.

I wonder if it's time to build more of a circle and life which doesn't revolve around the two kids, difficult though that can be - a bit like dealing with empty nest syndrome.

Sometimes the more independent you are, the more people will relax around you again and want your company.

Oh god, don't demand forced apologies and good behaviour.

Way to make her on her guard against you forever more,

The niece doesn’t want a best friend aunt. Why should she have to have that? She’s entitled to pull away if the relationship is too much for her.

And having her mum tell her she has to be friends with her aunt and do as she’s told is not going to work.

She doesn’t have to sit beside her aunt all the time for example. She is not unusual in having headphones in and not wanting to talk to her aunt all the time.

I’ve been that niece and I pulled away. The person concerned wanted to vicariously live their life through me.

Having a relationship with people means recognising that it changes as they grow. And what you did when they were children isn’t appropriate when they’re young adults.

'I've tried to talk to her about the school situation, and reassure her that she's awesome, but my niece doesn't want to talk about it.'

Aah. I just saw this bit.

This is the problem.

She doesn't want you anywhere near her as she's scared you'll push her on something she can cope with talking about.

I know people say to talk to teens but it's also crucial to back off and shut up when they say stop.

Otherwise they literally won't let you anywhere near them. Which is what you're getting.

Teens are much much trickier than little kids. An ice cream and the park won't cut it. It's a totally different ball game, and much lonelier for the adult too.

Give her space. Just really be nice from a distance. Maybe buy her some AirPods, if she doesn't have them. She'd love you for that. And just don't talk to her for five years. Not in any probing/helpful way. I'm not joking.

Typo - you pushed her on what she can't talk about

I wonder if she actually sees a lot of herself in you, and as a teenager that makes her feel uncomfortable.

Give her time - she will come back to you

I feel for you OP and you have had some good advice here. I shudder to think back how self absorbed I was at 17, I don’t think I was overtly rude but I suspect I didn’t really think of my parents and other relatives as individuals with lives I was interested in or feelings that I should be sensitive to. It was all about my friends and boyfriend at that age. Hopefully she’ll come out the other side.

What I can say is that she’s unlikely to be looking down on you because she sees you as middle aged, single or boring. She is not at the age where she values people by whether or not they are married and have kids and she will literally have no awareness of your social life or lack of one. So don’t beat yourself up in that regard. Hopefully things will improve. You could try giving her some money, that might get her attention .

As a mum of 2 teens, my two are lovely BUT they would never go for a walk with me or have a heart-to-heart at my instigation, they DO wear head phones a lot, they do NOT want to talk about problems with me.

They want space, hang out x as no talk with mates, be left alone by us oldies, and for us to just be there, quietly in the background, in case they need us (for a lift, money or advice)

It’s all in their terms

To me this is normal term development and I don’t take it personally

I remember being that age and loathing well meaning relatives asking about my private life when I felt I could not share this

If her mum says she’s always got a scowl on her face maybe it’s nothing personal. In fact possibly it’s a compliment that she feels close enough to you to treat you like this? I know that sounds a bit warped but some teens are vile to their parents….so maybe you’re in that close family category.

She’s old enough for you to tell her that you find her behaviour hurtful, tell her you’ve struggled with depression since the pandemic. Let that sink in but then leave the ball in her court. Maybe she will pull her socks up, maybe it might take a couple of years for her to grow up!

Teenagers can be funny. My dd is 17 and has Aspergers, she’s socially awkward and the teen years have been the worst, she doesn’t really like anyone and would hate anyone fussing over her, would probably hate meeting up with family and would rather be in her room talking to friends over social media. Going out with a auntie would probably be embarrassing to my dd. We have family members that insist on hugging dd before we leave or when we meet up with people and she hates this (so do I tbh). Maybe your just a bit too full on for her? Just let her be and don’t take it personally.

I wouldn’t push my child to hug anyone they don’t want to. And never have.