Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

say that you're very upset at how your niece is treating you. You will not put up with it any longer. She is nearly an adult and no other adult should or would put up with that kind of behaviour and you want it to stop. Your niece is behaving really rudely towards you and only you and either she says what is bothering her (to clear the air) or she doesn't but she does not get to behave like that any more in your company.

Do you really believe this would help, do you really think you can demand behaviour that suits you? Do you really think it is helpful to bully another person into a relationship that they no longer feel comfortable in? They are nearly an adult, they can choose the relationships they have.

Op I think part of the issue is that continue to have a relationship as if she was still a child, trying to talk to her about the school issue and telling her she is awesome would be a sure fire way to make her back off. The not wanting to sit with you is likely that she feels she will be questioned and doesn't want to be, I avoid a family member for the same reason (although they just question me on my fertility!)
Earphones for a walk is also normal teenage behaviour, the pp saying just give her space are right, those that are saying completely retreat are imo wrong. Being a teenager doesn't last forever.

Hi @northernstar0412,
Bless you. I feel for you. This relationship with your niece sounds like a loss to you. I’m sorry to hear that.

But I do agree with other replies. I think she’s probably just at an age that things are difficult. She’s been through a pandemic, not been at school, been socially excluded etc. All major events for a young person who is still developing as an individual with hormones all over the place.

I say, give it time and space. I believe she’ll come back to you….

Focus on getting yourself well again. Depression is a difficult place to be. Lockdown loneliness sounds terrible. Life is getting back into gear ago though. Take it day by day.xx

She's a teenager, cut her some slack, it's not about you at all, but her rewiring brain & the social awkwardness it brings

My 18 yo is the same. It's a phase, hang in there

I think you should mention that you are thinking of writing your will and haven't worked out who to leave it too. 😅. Knowing how mercenary some teens can be she might suddenly change her mind about how she is treating you - I'm joking....
Are you still going to give her birthday presents etc?

I remember having a close relationship with one of DMs friends when I was young. She was lovely but as a teenager wanted to do activities with me suitable for a younger DC ( going to the panto) and if I did share anything with her it would go straight back to DM.

I retreated from her even though I felt bad doing it, although we became good friends again once I had DS.

Take it as a compliment- teen regards your affection as solid and unbreakable enough to be dismissive- just like she is with her own DPs.

Don't try to force an artificial closeness on her, but do be aware a lot of this is hormones and don't judge her too harshly.

I have a 17 year old and a lot of this sounds like standard behaviour. I do try to instill in him that he should show basic politeness at least, but it sounds in this instance that you might have just kept pushing and your niece got fed up.

Going for a walk with a relative with the teen listening to headphones is quality time with an adult for a teen. If you don't push them, they will eventually take them off and talk to you. If you keep talking to them, you are more likely to annoy them.

I also wonder if you've forgotten that she is 17 and are still treating her as though she was the much younger child that you clearly remember fondly from years back. That won't go down well either.

@Hellotoallmyfans

She's a 17 yo - they're often arseholes. We recently had dss girlfriend who's the same age come on holiday with us and I wanted to throttle her on several occasions! Rude, miserable, lazy. And she was a guest on our holiday! They say familiarity breeds contempt, maybe she feels uncomfortable being so close with you now? It sounds like she's going through a confusing time, what with her mum saying she's always miserable? I'm sure it's not just you.

You sound like a wonderful auntie btw

I bet she'll come round when she's grown up,a bit.

Agree with all this. It's probably precisely because you have been so close that she is now rejecting you.

It's definitely not a reflection on you being single and not having kids (as mentioned in one of your updates). Teenagers are total arseholes to their own/other people's parents too.

It's incredibly hard, but you need to back right off and let her come back to you when she is ready. As a friend of mine who teaches high school says - with teens, it's like with kids' teeth: their baby brains fall out, and it takes a while for the adult brain to grow in its place 😉

What Parsley said is good advice imo. Under no circumstances follow lookitsme’s advice!

She is your niece, not your daughter. She doesn’t owe you anything. You may be very fond of her but it sounds like the ‘second mum’ title is probably not one she (or your sister) would have recognised. Just be pleasant to her as you would anyone else. Any discussions you have with you sister or niece about your sadness just risk making a drama or issue out of something that just needs to settle into a new, grown up relationship.

Some sage advice on this thread.

I too have a 17-year-old and agree that trying to be “chummy” invariably gets a scowl. When dd wants to talk, she’ll talk, but otherwise questioning, however friendly my manner, is met with even worse scowls and “I don’t knooooooow.”

Also agree that if we are feeling down, then a dc’s attitude impacts on us more than it would do if we were busy/cheerful. Dd has just appeared downstairs and said nothing. Now, I can shrug about that today, but another day I might feel exasperated or shut out.

I think it best to just maintain the friendly aunt thing, but keep your distance. Your dsis probably feels embarrassed and won’t want any kind of “summit” . The dd will become more civilised, so just ride it out, even if you feel disappointed inside.

I remember having a close relationship with one of DMs friends when I was young. She was lovely but as a teenager wanted to do activities with me suitable for a younger DC ( going to the panto)

I'd second this too. Our DD stopped wanting to spend any time with her aunt for similar reasons, plus her aunt constantly trying to by her young, pink & frilly clothing, when DDs style is quite alternative. DD felt aunt didn't want her to grow up or be herself, so she voted with her feet

She’s 17, going through a tricky time. You’re feeling low and need her to be who she was. You’re not meeting each other’s needs right now so feel off. It will pass. Just take the pressure off. Give her space, she knows you’re there.

You do sound very intense OP. My nieces are still quite little, I am very close to them and do a lot of the things you mention in your first post, but I would NEVER say I was like a second mum to them (and my sister would be if I did!).

Hopefully it's just teenage angst and if you give your niece a bit of space then she will come out the other side and you will be able to build a relationship as two adults. But you do also have to be prepared for that not to happen, and for your future relationship with your niece to be cordial, but never as close as it was when she was a kid.

m.facebook.com/Fledge.Education/videos/896516247522506/
This helps.

I'm the mother of two teens, they are generally great, but all that you have described is very normal . The headphones, the not responding, hating questions that's part of teen life. Yes, it can be hurtful but we as adults need to be a calm harbour in the storm.

They are learning to fly by themselves, to become adults breaking away is normal. Be casual and friendly with her, think new work colleague friendly. Be present but not omnipresent in her life.

If it helps OP my son was equally dismissive of me at that age. Teenagers are a strange breed. He's much better now. We'd be in the car and he'd put his headphones in.

As someone who had an Aunt as a second mother, it ended up being one of the greatest relationships of my life.

But was it at 17? Probably not. I doubt I told her a damn thing. And I'm sure I took her differing views too seriously and rolled my eyes behind her back a fair bit. (Though I hope I was never as rude as your niece).

Time passed and our relationship as adults became true friends.

This weekend, don't make much effort. And be careful not to be passive aggressive, as that can leak out by accident when you're hurt. Just concentrate the conversation on your nephew and your sister.

And I do agree with others that your sister should be forcing basic manners. Saying hello and goodbye and thank you.

And I also think you should express to your sister that it's actually upsetting to you, the rudeness.

With regards to unanswered calls and being a second mum, I have a mate (late 20s, not 17) who has a close relationship with her aunt. Her aunt has no children and lived nearby as my friend grew up. She went on family holidays with them, and looked after her if her parents were busy.

My friend moved away and frequently has missed calls from her aunt during working hours, followed by passive aggressive texts about how she's ignoring her aunt or 'too good' to speak to her. It's caused a huge strain on the relationship and the neediness/manipulation puts her off. One of the things my friend said annoyed her was her aunt describing herself as 'a second mum'.

It sounds like you haven't done anything wrong but you won't get answers anytime soon. Just give her the space she wants.

Teenagers are awful at this age.
Just leave her to it, don’t engage with her or give her money, cards presents until she’s over it.
It’s not your fault 💐

I would stop confronting your niece. It hasn't worked and shows every sign of backfiring.

This bit stood out to me "Since the pandemic I have struggled with depression and never felt so lonely in my life. Maybe this is the problem, that I'm now seen as a sad sack. Nothing I can really do about that though except try to ignore it and get happier."

The pandemic has been awful for people's mental health. Take the focus off your sister and niece and nephew.
What can you plan for yourself over the next 6 months that would put a spring in your step?

I would guess its a combination of having a hard time in her personal life, general teenage grumpiness and a feeling that she's outgrown your relationship... for now.
My husband's sister is also single, always lived alone etc. She absolutely adores our kids but my teenagers have found her a bit ott now. They don't want to chat to her as much where as my youngest is happy to sit and play cards and board games etc...
I can tell she is disappointed that they aren't as interested and often disappear back up to their rooms after a short chat....
I think back off. The relationship will change and hopefully repair when she is a bit older

If I were in your shoes, I'd send a message to my sister asking to speak with her before they visit.
Have a quick phone call (your sister can move to her bedroom and you can be wherever you want as there shouldn't be anyone overhearing your end of the call) and say that you're very upset at how your niece is treating you. You will not put up with it any longer. She is nearly an adult and no other adult should or would put up with that kind of behaviour and you want it to stop. Your niece is behaving really rudely towards you and only you and either she says what is bothering her (to clear the air) or she doesn't but she does not get to behave like that any more in your company.
This idea that you're going to 'give her space' is just another way to say that you're going to put up with her treating you badly in front of others and that you're permitting her to do that too.
I honestly wouldn't do that
Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it, and this might be one of those times for her. You're a nice person, you're doing your best and she has to behave politely and not rudely in your company. You just won't put up with it anymore and you'll start calling her out on this behaviour even out in public if she pulls any stunts again.
That's what I would do.

I'm sorry but that is awful advice in response to what is effectively normal teen behaviour. She is nearly an adult, running to mummy to complain about DNs manners etc is only going to stress the mum, make yourself look like a bit of a dick with no understanding of teens & push the DN further away

It feels to me like you’re in a bad place and internalising her behaviour as something you have done. If you could take a step back you might be able to see that maybe it’s nothing to do with you and it might be how she’s feeling about herself.

I suffered with bad acne as a teen and I pushed everyone away as I felt so self conscious and unattractive. I’d have died a thousand deaths of someone had kept trying to get me to talk to them and was desperate to sit next to me etc. I’m not saying your niece has the same issue but perhaps she has a different issue that makes her want to batten down the hatches and shrink away from conversation.

I think that you're trying to keep the relationship as it always has been.

She doesn't want that but maybe finds it easier to cut off than try to adapt it to how she wants?

She is a child still & would perhaps find it hard to tell you to "back off" in the way that she could a friend.

It was awful of you to confront her about not wanting to sit next to you.

You are making it too much about you.

I agree you should back off a bit until she sorts herself out. If she wants help, she knows she only has to reach out. I expect you'll be best friends by the time she's 21!

My DDs both said my own sister, unmarried and childless, was basically another version of me - mum lite, if you like. Is it possible you're receiving fallout from your niece's turbulent relationship with her mother? You're bound to look and sound a bit like her. You might just be collateral.

I doubt it's anything you've said or done, so I would try not to take it personally. She's half in, half out of her chrysalis, isn't she? If you've ever watched that process, it's a massive struggle.

You sound lovely, and your relationship with your nephew shows you're on the right track. Later, your niece will probably cover her face and apologise for being such a moody teen and you'll be back on track with her, too. Just think - one day there might be great-nieces and nephews to play with! I am sharing my DGC with my DSis; she's an honorary DGM!

It's totally her age not you.
My son did this to me, he was horrible and we'd always been super close. Now he is in his 30's it back to being super close.
You'll just have to ride it out.