Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

Teenagers can be bloody awful. It might be absolutely nothing and she'll grow out of it. Time will tell.

I see you have described her as "woke" so I dont think its much of a mystery as you make it out to be. If you are calling her that then she has views that you dont agree with/think are ridiculous. No doubt you made a comment against what ever you claim she is "woke" about.

Agree with others, the first thought came to my mind was because she is a teenager, not all are like this of course but loads are! It will get better when she matures.

My teens have problems in school too and they are angry at everybody.

You sound lovely OP. She’ll probably come out the other side a decent human. I own three around this age and they all hated being made to visit family even though they adore all their relatives. Am surprised they’re still being taken on family visits at their age. Maybe the odd one but generally I’m sure they’d rather be left in bed at home!

Sounds like she might be going through an awkward/unhappy patch and maybe she doesn’t want to feel scrutinised or questioned (not saying you do either of these). Suggest backing off from her a bit, not unpleasantly but enough to give you both some space.

If I’d tried this rude nonsense with a close relative at 17, I’d have been set straight on basic manners and the maturity expected of me when with other people. By my parents, my aunties and my grandparents.

There’d be no meals out or walks, etc until I could prove I was fit to be around other people.

I think your sister has shrugged off her own responsibilities in this a little too quickly, and is giving a young person too much free reign to follow her preferences, without regard to the hurt she is causing (and the precedent it sets for her future dealings with other adults.)

Most mothers I know would be sitting the girl down for a pointed conversation about this. Pandemic or no pandemic. Your sister can’t keep pretending she has no skin in the game?

*My sister asked me not to be hard on my niece because she'd had a tough time at school as she's been socially excluded by other pupils.

My sister says that my niece is just "a misery" who always has a scowl on her face.*

She's being bullied by the sounds of it.

She's being ostracised at an age where it would have an incredible impact on you.

She's unhappy.

Its rather obvious ots about her, do I don't know why you're questioning what you've done.

She doesn't want to talk to you about it, or at all so what can you do.

As others gave said many teenagers are extremely challenging for their own parents, who did what you did and a hundred times more for them from when they were born.

She'll probably come back around in a few years.

My top tip is to give her some space. If you hear her say she doesn't want to sit with you, don't run over and demand to know why (don't even gently go up and ask--just leave her be). The fastest way to alienate a teenager is to crowd them.

This sounds awful. I am a few years behind you in that I don't have kids but really try and be a big part of my nieces life. I would be devastated if this happened.

I have no advice but I do think if you push for an answer you might risk pushing her away and her viewing you with even more negativity.

As hard as it is, I would back off for now, hope she comes round, and reassess the situation in a few months time if she has not.

I hope you find out what's going on.

She sounds like she's finding you annoying and overbearing/too much.

This is not necessarily because you objectively are those things (although it could be), but because of something going on with her, even as simple as irritable teen.

Back off. Give her space.
Treat her as an equal, as you would a loved adult.

I didn't go through any phase where I rejected my extended my family and was always close to my two aunties so I don't personally recognise this. My stepchildren haven't been rude to other family members (moody with us though!) during their teenage years either. I'm surprised she's not been picked up on some of this behaviour. It's obviously her right to decline your invitations to spend time together but to be rude to you when you are together at family events just isn't on.

The OP only tentatively described the girl as 'woke' in response to another's poster's suggestion that that may have been the issue.

So I doubt that's the problem.

She sounds like a bad mannered little madam. Refusing to sit next to someone like a toddler! I find MN to be too easy on teenagers. She should be told to get a fucking grip and mind her manners.

Hopefully it's a temporary phase.

I'm.sorry OP. My DCs would love an involved, caring aunty like you.

@MadameMonk

If I’d tried this rude nonsense with a close relative at 17, I’d have been set straight on basic manners and the maturity expected of me when with other people. By my parents, my aunties and my grandparents.

There’d be no meals out or walks, etc until I could prove I was fit to be around other people.

I think your sister has shrugged off her own responsibilities in this a little too quickly, and is giving a young person too much free reign to follow her preferences, without regard to the hurt she is causing (and the precedent it sets for her future dealings with other adults.)

Most mothers I know would be sitting the girl down for a pointed conversation about this. Pandemic or no pandemic. Your sister can’t keep pretending she has no skin in the game?

Agree with this 100%. Teenage phase or not, whatever the reason, I can't imagine not having a serious/stern conversation with my child about it at the very least. The behaviour is unacceptable and at 17 they ought to know how to treat people better (especially close relatives who have only been loving and kind towards them). Why is your "lovely sister" facilitating this nonsense? Your niece needs teaching basic manners tbh. Also, whatever her issue is with you, I suspect her mum knows more than she lets on. Why else does your niece feel so comfortable telling mum she doesnt want to stay at yours (and mum goes along??) or that she doesnt want to be sitting next to you?

A large amount of fault lies with your sister allowing her to get away with this shit! How is letting her treat you like something she stepped in good parenting?

I would withdraw massively from the niece and your sister to a degree. The behaviour of both of them is disgraceful. At seventeen she is old enough to know she is treating you very badly.

OP, I am sorry that this is happening. I am about 90 percent sure this isn't about you and that your sister is right. Some teenagers really are a misery, inside and out. They are full of complicated unhappy emotions and they just take it out on the people they love worse than anyone else. If it's any consolation, it's probably a weird sign in a backwards way that she does trust you enough to think that someday you'll forgive her when she stops being a misery. XOXO

I wasn't very nice from around age 15 until I finished uni, particularly with my mum. It's an awkward age. I'd have found you way too much and would have felt like you were invading my privacy. You talk about your relationship when they were children, they aren't anymore, they are young adults so I can only assume that you are still treating her somewhat like a child. I'd have hated this and found you overbearing. My mum just left me to it, eventually our relationship returned and now as an adult with my own children we are great, we just laugh about how awful I was. I expect my own daughter will go through the same awkward phase and I'll have to just leave her to it. It's just unfortunate you are taking it so personally, I think my own mum found me frustrating but she has 2 other children, my sister was still in primary school so she had other people to keep her busy and just put it down to me being a teen. What I will say is she didn't go through the same thing with my older brother, although my brother clashed with my dad at the same age, again they are fine now and have been since my brother left uni.

My view is you give her space and ride this out. It’s the teenage years. I took my 16 year old niece shopping at the start of the school holidays, she literally didn’t speak unless I spoke to her and even then it was a few words. Once I realised she was quite happy with very little chit chat, I just went with it. Even when we went to lunch hardly a word, just on her phone. A year before going shopping she was like a kid all excited, this time she was ‘cool’ or acting cool!

You’ve tried to find out what the problem is and she doesn’t want to say. She sounds very, very immature for 17, not wanting to sit next to you 🙄 I really don’t have patience for shit like that.

If the problem is that you’ve offended her ‘woke’ views, leave her to it. At 17, she should be old enough to have a conversation with you. As she gets older, her ‘wokeness’ will likely fade as she realises the world isn’t always very fair to women.

I really couldn’t be arsed to tread on eggshells around her. She has a lot of maturing to do.

I know teenagers can be moody and miserable and their behaviour can defy logic. I have plenty of experience of that. But it still seems strange to me that the niece has all of a sudden turned rude and nasty towards a loved relative that is NOT her parents with no apparent reason. All the teenagers I've known (many in my family) have still had great relationships with aunts and uncles even when going through the normal teenage "issues" in their own families. If I was her mother I'd be digging deeper to find out why my daughter was treating my sister like this because i don't think how she's treating her aunt sounds normal at all. There must be some reason for her to be downright rude and ungrateful like this. I'm ashamed to say that as a teenager I was terrible to my own mother, but I'd never have treated an aunt like that. My parents would definitely have pulled me up on it.

You sound like a wonderful aunt and she sounds like, well, a typical teenager.

If anything I would say this detachment from you is an indicator of what a close relationship you have managed to build with her. She is being horrible to you in the way that most teenagers only are to their parents. Detaching is part of becoming an independent adult, although it's awful that she's being such a little cow about it. Perhaps she is trying to wield some of the same power that her peers seem to have over her at school.

I wouldn't give up on her. She'll come back to you in time. You will probably go back to having a lovely close relationship as adults. She's just being a typical bratty teen!

If anything I would say this detachment from you is an indicator of what a close relationship you have managed to build with her. She is being horrible to you in the way that most teenagers only are to their parents. Detaching is part of becoming an independent adult, although it's awful that she's being such a little cow about it. Perhaps she is trying to wield some of the same power that her peers seem to have over her at school.

I was coming on to say the same.Its because shes so close to you,she she feels safe to lash out.

But please give her space and dont take it personal.
Shes obviously going through a lot at the minute.

I spoke to my sister a few months back about the incident where my niece ignored me on the walk. My sister asked me not to be hard on my niece because she'd had a tough time at school as she's been socially excluded by other pupils.

Could it be she was having an off day after all the school issues, ignored you on the walk , your sister then had a word after you spoke to her and now she has got the hump over it all?

These are clear signals to back off. Yes, on the face of it she is being rude and I would certainly be having a word with her if I were her mother. And you do sound like a wonderful aunt. But there's something about the way you write about her that makes me a bit uncomfortable. You love her 'as if she was your own', you've been 'almost like a second mum' to her - the thing about being a mum to a teenager is that, as a poster said above, you are someone that teenagers need to set boundaries from. But you're not taking that part of your role on board and it does come across that you expect/feel entitled, perhaps, to fulfilment of your emotional needs from her. Going straight over and asking her why she didn't want to sit next to you was putting her on the spot in an unacceptable way.

I think you need to work out where you are with her - if you are a 'second mum' you need to accept the boundary-setting, if you don't want that you will need to be 'just' the aunt, to whom she's polite but who she maybe can't be entirely herself with.

I also wonder whether your sister knows more about this than she may be letting on.

It’s been an incredibly hard time for young people her age. Isolated, shut down, education disrupted, doubt and worry about exams.

An adult, seen as ‘ever so old’ (as we are, to them), betraying even the slightest sign that they are depressed and / or lonely, may just feel like too much pressure. Young people have been under such pressure, they are incredibly sensitive to it, your own need for company may be just too much for her.

That doesn’t make you bad it horrible or wrong in any way.

Just give her space.

Agree with others, she’s going through a phase. Leave her to it, she will come around.

“What do you mean by woke?

It’s a word generally used with contempt, by people who think their views are superior.

What views does your niece hold that you’d describe as woke? What many many things have you said that might be seen as not woke?

I suspect there is much more to this.”
🤣
^ I doubt there is much more to this than teenage angst!