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Original poster

Friends late father seduced me when young

153 replies

Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 06:48

Well it’s that really.

My old school friends father passed away recently she worships him but when we were younger he seduced me and took my virginity.

I didn’t feel like it was abuse atall. I was 15 thought I was mature and well when he showed interest I didn’t say no.

It all happened on a hot summers day and I popped over to her house and she was got with her mum.

When I knocked on the door her father came from the side of the house and said they were out and did I want. Drink as they should be back soon . Clearly he knew they would not be.

We chatted and flirted . I enjoyed the attention and well I that was the first time

Should I tell her as I feel very guilty and whilst I thought I was grown up clearly he shouldn’t have.

Welcome thoughts.

OP posts:
WunWun · 17/08/2021 06:49

No, you shouldn't tell her. What would be the point?

Original poster
Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 06:51

@WunWun

He was not the man she thinks he was?

OP posts:
lannistunut · 17/08/2021 06:52

I don't think you should tell her, certainly not just now. I think you should tell a counsellor though as that was a mature adult and a child.

Iggly · 17/08/2021 06:53

[quote Havetotsell]@WunWun

He was not the man she thinks he was?[/quote]
What do you hope to achieve?

You, quite rightly, have an issue with this. I would suggest you find support dealing with it. Telling your friend feels vindictive.

JulesCobb · 17/08/2021 06:54

[quote Havetotsell]@WunWun

He was not the man she thinks he was?[/quote]
He was wrong, obviously. He groomed you. But telling his daughter after his death sounds spiteful. You are not punishing him fo his actions as he has gone.

CallMeNutribullet · 17/08/2021 06:54

[quote Havetotsell]@WunWun

He was not the man she thinks he was?[/quote]
She doesn't need to know that when she's grieving for him.

Sorry this happened to you. It was abuse and it might be worthwhile speaking with a counsellor.

Fireplace12 · 17/08/2021 06:54

Absolutely not. Why would you want to hurt your friend like that? The time to be “telling” was any time whilst he was alive. All you would cause is pain and confusion to your friend.

Original poster
Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 06:54

@lannistunut

Already done that. So don’t worry about me. Just listening to her say how wonderful he was etc all the time is starting to get to me.

OP posts:
EdinburghLights · 17/08/2021 06:56

You shouldn't feel any kind of guilt as you were a child and he was the adult. It may have felt consensual at the time but in retrospect it can all appear rather different. I havent any wise words but it sounds like a really hard thing to deal with.

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/08/2021 06:57

Better to be “busy” for a few months while she goes through the worst of the grief than to blow her world apart

Iggly · 17/08/2021 06:58

[quote Havetotsell]@lannistunut

Already done that. So don’t worry about me. Just listening to her say how wonderful he was etc all the time is starting to get to me.[/quote]
Do you think now is the time to burst that bubble?

ComeonJulia · 17/08/2021 06:58

You could’ve told her that before he was dead. Doing it now is only going to cause more heart break and pain.

lannistunut · 17/08/2021 06:59

[quote Havetotsell]@lannistunut

Already done that. So don’t worry about me. Just listening to her say how wonderful he was etc all the time is starting to get to me.[/quote]
If it is getting to you, you maybe need to see a counsellor about that. The fact you saw one before does not mean it wouldn't help now.

The death has raked things up, understandably.

FreeBritnee · 17/08/2021 07:01

Agree with everyone else, now is not the time to be throwing a hand grenade at your friend.

ikeepseeingit · 17/08/2021 07:09

OP I understand that you are angry. However, it is not your friends fault that this happened to you, so don’t punish her for it. I know you said you’ve dealt with this in therapy, but perhaps a little more to deal with some unresolved anger would help in this situation? I’m really sorry that you’ve been put in this situation, try to lay low and stay away from her until it settles back down. I don’t think it would go well for anyone if you told her. This is absolutely not your fault.

Twickerhun · 17/08/2021 07:12

You can’t tell her now. Find someone else to off load into

Eskarina1 · 17/08/2021 07:14

Telling your friend now is going to leave her with a world of hurt and questions and no way of getting answers. I've been through something similar (the person was still alive but had been removed from my life by my parents) and it's a very painful process.

Or she takes the easy way out and blames you. You were 15, it was NOT your fault but while I think our understanding of that is improving too many people still blame teenagers for being abused.

I think telling her will cause a huge amount of pain for you both and I don't see what you gain.

Lemonsyellow · 17/08/2021 07:15

Do not tell her. That would be a dreadful and unkind thing to do.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 17/08/2021 07:17

What happened to you was awful but I cannot understand why you would want to tell her? You know it's wrong.

OverByYer · 17/08/2021 07:18

You can’t tell her now. You would be punishing her not him.
You’d lose your friendship too.
What he did was awful and maybe you should have confronted him before now.
It would be pretty spiteful to tell your friend now whilst she is grieving

Sampafie · 17/08/2021 07:21

Tbh if you tell her theres a very high probability she ll think youre lying.

Id say let the dead rest.

NiceTwin · 17/08/2021 07:22

It.would come across as vindictive to tell her now.
You have had years to tell her, can't see why you would choose to do.it now he has passed.

GreatAuntEmily · 17/08/2021 07:26

I'm not sure how old you are now but when I was young having a sexual relationship with someone reflected more on the female than the male. So a 15 year old having sex with an older man would be a slut - he would be nudge nudge making the most of an opportunity. So I don't think there would be automatic sympathy for you across the board.

PalmsandCharms · 17/08/2021 07:30

No!! All you'll do is cause hurt and ruin your friendship. If you need help to get over this then please get professional help. Don't spitefully ruin someone else's life.

spotcheck · 17/08/2021 07:31

What use would there be in her knowing?
You'll have tainted her whole life OR she won't believe you.

It is an awful thing that her dad did to you, but by telling her, you are punishing her.