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Original poster

Friends late father seduced me when young

153 replies

Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 06:48

Well it’s that really.

My old school friends father passed away recently she worships him but when we were younger he seduced me and took my virginity.

I didn’t feel like it was abuse atall. I was 15 thought I was mature and well when he showed interest I didn’t say no.

It all happened on a hot summers day and I popped over to her house and she was got with her mum.

When I knocked on the door her father came from the side of the house and said they were out and did I want. Drink as they should be back soon . Clearly he knew they would not be.

We chatted and flirted . I enjoyed the attention and well I that was the first time

Should I tell her as I feel very guilty and whilst I thought I was grown up clearly he shouldn’t have.

Welcome thoughts.

OP posts:
SnatchCassidy · 17/08/2021 10:06

I think the header is probably unhelpful. Perhaps OP in her innocence seems to have a skewed understanding of the difference between seduction and rape. I get that attitudes change but there's nothing seductive about grown men having illegal sexual activity with a minor. Today this man would be placed on the sex offenders register and treated as a paedophile.

Hopeisallineed · 17/08/2021 10:13

In my experience of losing my father you often view them with rose tinted spectacles after they die. She may fully realise that he wasn’t the best man but in grief we like to try and remember the good things about a person. Shattering her illusion of that will only serve to hurt her and you will still be carrying the same anger around.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2021 10:15

What he did @Havetotsell is awful and if he was alive you'd have every right to report him. But now he's dead, it's like you want to punish her - for not being home? for not knowing? because of you weren't friends it wouldn't have happened?

I'd put some distance between you for now and decide long term if it's good for you to be in her life

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 10:26

@llSkd

So many people with words like ‘cruel’ and ‘evil’ and ‘spiteful’ for the OP, but haven’t condemned the adult who instigated sexual contact with a child.

I’m depressed by the responses on this thread.

Surely it goes without saying that his actions were abhorrent. You're not seeing people discussing his actions because that's not what the post is about. That doesn't mean he's being excused.
AramintaLee · 17/08/2021 10:28

Hi OP. I don't think you necessarily have to keep it to yourself... maybe speak to a professional who can maybe help you come to terms with what happened?

I think telling your friend just because you want to tarnish her view of her Dad isn't the right motive. It's pretty likely she wouldn't believe you given how she worships him and it's not like she can confront him now. You would lose your friendship and only end up hurting your friend.

If you're struggling with her glowing remarks about her Dad then maybe take a time out from the friendship to give yourself a break.

llSkd · 17/08/2021 10:31

Does it go without saying? There’s responses on here actually blaming OP. Of course the post is about his actions, that’s what caused the issue of whether or not to tell his daughter

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 10:40

Op says she has already had counselling over the what happened and said 'don't worry about me'

It sounds like she has delat with it inyera, but his death and hearing people say good things about him, is bringing it back up.

So I do think additional counselling would be a good idea. Because it's coming back up.

I think that's a step she should take before making any decision.

If she tells her now, it will only be causing harm to the OP and friend. And whil this all originated from him, it's not him bei g punished.

Op, could, find herself with even more emotional harm and the daughter emotionally harmed as well. And then no one believing the OP. That's not a position anyone should put themselves in while still dealing with the trauma of something like this.

And Op is still dealing with it. She may feel completely different when this is all less raw.

Iamtheweedonkey · 17/08/2021 10:45

Op, you must feel awful, I can see where the anger is coming from, he raped you and took advantage of you. You were still a child, him being the adult was totally in the wrong. However, saying that I don't think, at this present time, saying anything to your friend will do you any good. It could we'll lose your friendship, it may well bring up buried memories for her. Allow her this time to grieve, have the funeral and so on. I personally would make sure that you back away from her for the moment, I wouldn't go to the funeral, you need to look after yourself. Take care.

ValerieCupcake · 17/08/2021 10:48

@GreatAuntEmily

I'm not sure how old you are now but when I was young having a sexual relationship with someone reflected more on the female than the male. So a 15 year old having sex with an older man would be a slut - he would be nudge nudge making the most of an opportunity. So I don't think there would be automatic sympathy for you across the board.
When I was 15 I had two encounters that stopped short of penetrative sex with a man who was in a glam rock band, who was 28 at the time. I wanted to be his girlfriend not a fling. I know it was naive.
Candydreamer · 17/08/2021 10:56

I just don't think some of the responses on here, and some of the language that was used, was necessary. The OP is clearly having a hard time with the memories that this mans death has triggered, she deserves some empathy and some people should consider what they are typing before they post it.

Calling her spiteful/evil/attention seeking/cruel is so outside the understanding of what she is probably feeling. I have been sexually assaulted and if he died and I was pondering whether to tell his mum and had responses calling me things like that i honestly think it would take me back to the real intense feelings of shame I felt when it happened.

Marylou2 · 17/08/2021 11:08

OP this is absolutely horrifying.This persons death has obviously brought up these memories for you and it must be very distressing. I'd distance yourself from your friend right now. You are more important than her grief over a child abuser. It's also unlikely that you're the only person that he did this to. I disagree with other posters who think that her comfort outweighs yours but if you choose to remain silent it must be because it's the best thing for you.

Viviennemary · 17/08/2021 11:11

No I wouldn't tell her. But I would drop the friendship.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 11:22

I disagree with other posters who think that her comfort outweighs yours but if you choose to remain silent it must be because it's the best thing for you.

No one said the friends was more important. But op isn't going to get comfort from telling her. There will be a huge fall out.

I think people need to remember that while telling people what happened, when you are SA or raped, helps some people. It really doesn't help everyone.

I am guessing that if op really cares about her friend, seeing her in such a large amount of pain is unlikely to bring her any comfort at all. Potentially quite the opposite. The fall out isn't likely to bring comfort either.

That's the point. Telling her is likely to cause more trauma to op AND her friend. And telling her now will only increase that.

ItsSnowJokes · 17/08/2021 11:26

You would be very vindictive to your friend to tell her now. The time to tell was when she could get answers from both of you.

She has no idea what was going on, you have never told her and now in her eyes her wonderful dad has gone and she needs to grieve not for you to turn him into a monster.

What do you hope to gain? As all you will get it a ruined friendship a very traumatised ex friend and maybe widow.

You need to go back to counselling and talk it all through there. What he did was totally wrong but don't take it out on your friend.

Naunet · 17/08/2021 12:30

The man can’t even defend himself we have no idea that it wasn’t you who seduced him?

Eww, what a disgustingly creepy thing to say. What the hell is wrong with you? She’s was a child. You sound like one of those judges who blames a groomed child for leading an adult man on. Creepy as fuck.

Naunet · 17/08/2021 12:34

@Candydreamer

I just don't think some of the responses on here, and some of the language that was used, was necessary. The OP is clearly having a hard time with the memories that this mans death has triggered, she deserves some empathy and some people should consider what they are typing before they post it.

Calling her spiteful/evil/attention seeking/cruel is so outside the understanding of what she is probably feeling. I have been sexually assaulted and if he died and I was pondering whether to tell his mum and had responses calling me things like that i honestly think it would take me back to the real intense feelings of shame I felt when it happened.

Absolutely agree. When victims of child sexual abuse grow into women, all empathy is suddenly lost and there’s no understanding of the continued impact. We’re all meant to just magically be ok.
Roseyleaf · 17/08/2021 12:40

Wow this thread looks like a case of shooting the messenger.
OP hasn't done anything wrong to hurt her friend. That was the father's doing.

llSkd · 17/08/2021 12:55

@Marylou2

OP this is absolutely horrifying.This persons death has obviously brought up these memories for you and it must be very distressing. I'd distance yourself from your friend right now. You are more important than her grief over a child abuser. It's also unlikely that you're the only person that he did this to. I disagree with other posters who think that her comfort outweighs yours but if you choose to remain silent it must be because it's the best thing for you.
Agree with this
Original poster
Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 14:06

@Sakurami

I never said no to him.
And I passed for 18 everywhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 14:10

@Candydreamer

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 14:14

@Marylou2

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 14:15

@Naunet

Thank you

OP posts:
Toomuchtodoo · 17/08/2021 14:23

If you tell her it could backfire on you.
Is her mother still alive?
How will she feel about you, knowing that you and her father went behind her own mother's back?

I'm also curious about your use of language to make the whole sleazy encounter sound more romantic.
He Seduced Me!Hmm
No . He groomed you and abused you.
You should be speaking to a counsellor, not your 'friend'.

Throughabushbackwards · 17/08/2021 14:23

People saying here that the friend won't believe OP - do you honestly think that this was a 'blip' for this bloke? That OP was his one and only irresistible 'Lolita' moment? Get real. I'll eat my hat if this guy isn't found to have had multiple affairs and to have been dodgy as hell.

Imagine the difference in responses to this thread if OP was a wife posting about discovering that her DP had shagged her daughter's friend.

Toomuchtodoo · 17/08/2021 14:24

@SnatchCassidy

I think the header is probably unhelpful. Perhaps OP in her innocence seems to have a skewed understanding of the difference between seduction and rape. I get that attitudes change but there's nothing seductive about grown men having illegal sexual activity with a minor. Today this man would be placed on the sex offenders register and treated as a paedophile.
My thoughts entirely. OP wasn't seduced.