Page 6 | Friends late father seduced me when young

Havetotsell · 2021-08-17T05:48:01+00:00

Well it’s that really. My old school friends father passed away recently she worships him but when we were younger he seduced me and took my virginity. I didn’t feel like it was abuse atall. I was 15 thought I was mature and well when he showed interest I didn’t say no. It all happened on a hot summers day and I popped over to her house and she was got with her mum. When I knocked on the door her father came from the side of the house and said they were out and did I want. Drink as they should be back soon . Clearly he knew they would not be. We chatted and flirted . I enjoyed the attention and well I that was the first time Should I tell her as I feel very guilty and whilst I thought I was grown up clearly he shouldn’t have. Welcome thoughts.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/08/2021 14:33

I don't think any good would come from telling her. She may not even believe you so I can't see telling her being good for you or her .

I can see how his death and her talking about what a wonderful person he was would stir up all sorts of feelings for you but I just can't see telling her causing you anything but hurt.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/08/2021 14:50

Op you may have looked 18
But you were the same age as his daughter and he knew that

Again I’m sorry this thread has turned nasty

I actually found out my dad was a cheater when he died and it stung and hurt

But I also totally get how shitty and sad you feel

YouJustFoldItIn · 17/08/2021 14:52

He was not the man she thinks he was?

Maybe one of your parents or your child or partner might not be the person you thought they were. Would you appreciate being told that while you were freshly grieving for them?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/08/2021 15:13

Well maybe OP isn’t thinking too straight given her rapist has died and she’s having to hear how wonderful he was

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 15:16

@Throughabushbackwards

People saying here that the friend won't believe OP - do you honestly think that this was a 'blip' for this bloke? That OP was his one and only irresistible 'Lolita' moment? Get real. I'll eat my hat if this guy isn't found to have had multiple affairs and to have been dodgy as hell.

Imagine the difference in responses to this thread if OP was a wife posting about discovering that her DP had shagged her daughter's friend.

It probably wasn't a blip. But there's also a good chance they have no clue. Or at least the daughter doesn't have a clue.

And dropping this on her now while she is already emotional, may end up with the OP getting a bad reception with the news.

Of course the response would be different. Because that's an entirely different thread. And the wife would definitely know. If the wife of the dead man was asking 'should I tell my dd what he was really like'.

My response would be no, not now he is dead. Or at least wait a good while, ots not fair to give her that information while she is in such an emotional state.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 16:05

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Well maybe OP isn’t thinking too straight given her rapist has died and she’s having to hear how wonderful he was

Her OP said she wanted to tell the daughter because she felt guilty, so maybe she's thinking more clearly than any of us.

I don't think she should tell the friend, but I don't think she has any reason to feel guilty either.

Like you say, she's a victim here.

Laurennjjd · 17/08/2021 17:06

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Well maybe OP isn’t thinking too straight given her rapist has died and she’s having to hear how wonderful he was

Yep. She’s a victim, she’s not ‘spiteful’ or ‘vindictive’ and it must be really unpleasant/awkward/triggering to have to hear her friend talk about her dad

LolitaIsNotRomantic · 17/08/2021 17:42

@Throughabushbackwards

People saying here that the friend won't believe OP - do you honestly think that this was a 'blip' for this bloke? That OP was his one and only irresistible 'Lolita' moment? Get real. I'll eat my hat if this guy isn't found to have had multiple affairs and to have been dodgy as hell.

Imagine the difference in responses to this thread if OP was a wife posting about discovering that her DP had shagged her daughter's friend.

Absolutely this. There is never just 'one special girl', the unfortunate one-off. Predators are like man-eatimg sharks: they get a taste for it once, they'll do it again and again.

LolitaIsNotRomantic · 17/08/2021 17:47

By the way, those saying why now? Why not speak up sooner? Those posters have no idea how stuff like that gets buried, repressed, compartmentalised for years/decades. Then one day it comes out. Something will trigger the need to confront it: a death, a milestone, and then it eats you up.

Laurennjjd · 17/08/2021 20:27

Absolutely. Really, genuinely surprised at most of the responses here today.

‘Well why didn’t she say something before? Why are they talking about this now? Strange how it’s just come out after all this time, isn’t it?’

All questions that were asked many, many times when people started talking about the #MeToo movement. And Virginia Guiffre, the women that spoke out about Harvey Weinstein, about other abusers, countless times. And again today, apparently.

I don’t know if OP should say anything or now. Totally up to her. But as the victim, it’s her choice and accusations of her being vindictive and spiteful are extremely unfair.

Lovestoned · 17/08/2021 21:26

Disagree with everyone. You are the victim here, not your friend, who is crying over a father that is a lie. This was an abusive situation, at 15 you were underage, for sex the legal age of consent is 16. Tell her. Maybe in a few weeks, but tell her. Be prepared, that she will never believe you, the more that she loves him the less she will want to even consider it. And you will lose the friendship. But, I think you will start to heal. He does not deserve to keep this grubby secret.

Goingdriving · 17/08/2021 21:36

I think not. It won’t achieve anything. My friends dad tried to pick me up before he knew I was his daughters friend. I was 15. I’ve never mentioned it to her in forty years and won’t.

Iggly · 17/08/2021 21:36

@Lovestoned

Disagree with everyone. You are the victim here, not your friend, who is crying over a father that is a lie. This was an abusive situation, at 15 you were underage, for sex the legal age of consent is 16. Tell her. Maybe in a few weeks, but tell her. Be prepared, that she will never believe you, the more that she loves him the less she will want to even consider it. And you will lose the friendship. But, I think you will start to heal. He does not deserve to keep this grubby secret.

I agree - OP is the victim but her friend was not the perpetrator here and she’s grieving.

Otherwise, as awful as it sounds, the OP will be seen to be taking her friend’s grief and making it about her.

The man, the criminal, is dead. Yes her friend loved her dad and of course she’s talking about how wonderful he is. The OP needs to back away, hold her counsel, let her friend grieve and leave it until later.

But telling her friend won’t make that pain go away.

Cascascascas · 20/08/2021 18:48

Thanks for all the useful
Advice

aiwblam · 20/08/2021 19:17

Christ.
I’d definitely keep it to yourself. If his death is recent, it’s a given that she will refer to him fondly. In time this will decrease in frequency so the problem of her mentioning him should just go naturally.
By telling her, she’ll become traumatised by his grim crime(s) as well as you.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 20/08/2021 22:22

@Havetotsell The way he treated you was abhorrent. And that will have only become clearer to you as time passed and you could fully grasp it. It is a crime for a reason. You were emotionally a child. Even if he thought you were 18 it's sickening behaviour on his part.

From what I've understood from what you've said, you are having a hard time hearing from her how wonderful he was and so finding it hard to be around her when you know he was anything but.

That's very understandable as he was a grim, adulterous, paedophile who gave not a shit about her family stability on top of it all.

It must be hard to be around her hearing that, or to offer her comfort when you know what he was. I do not imagine I would be able to say sympathetic words about a such a man either. So you're stuck, not able to tell your friend, because she's grieving, but unable to help her with her grief because of the emotional repercussions for you. Yet another way this lowlife has fucked with your life. It's not fair.

I think the healthiest thing for you is to withdraw from this situation, because being there for your friend in these circumstances might cause you a lot of harm.

You are not, as pps have said, vindictive. Or any other of the foul shit that has been levelled at you on this forum. You need to protect yourself here. I'm sorry that it might cost you your friendship to do that, although perhaps that's better than your sanity.

Bluntness100 · 20/08/2021 22:26

No you can’t ever tell her, the time was when he was alive. Waiting till he is dead to do it, is cruel op. I’m sorry that happened to you but to tell her would be beyond cruel and I can’t fathom why you’d not tell her before but want to when she’s grieving.

The truth of the matter is she likely won’t believe you. Even if she does, she’s never ever going to forgive you for telling her her dead father was a paedophile.

BasicB · 20/08/2021 22:32

OP is the victim. Her experience is hers to share or not share with whoever she wants whenever she wants. This whole situation was caused by an adult man instigating sexual contact with her when she was a child - she doesn’t have to be complicit in keeping his behaviour a secret

LaChatte · 20/08/2021 22:38

Oddly enough I'm in a VERY similar position. I've decided not to tell my friend though as it would only cause her unnecessary pain. His first name didn't begin with S did it by any chance?

Peach01 · 20/08/2021 23:15

I wouldn't tell her.
It's terrible what you've went through due to this man, but this is a sensitive time for her and she hasn't played any part in his behaviour. Unfortunately you might need to bite your tongue while she's grieving or keep some distance. She's unaware of what happened, it will have a ripple effect through the family at a time when they're coming to terms with his death and might not be thinking straight. Grief manifests itself in different ways and you don't know what reaction you'll get. There's never a good time for such a discussion, but this is a bad time.

Hopefully she won't lean on you too much at this time.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2021 06:28

What I find curious about this, is not the op is saying I am devastated, he’s a paedo, I need her to know who her father was, she’s grieving him, but we need to get this in the open etc,

It’s literally it didn’t feel like abuse, I looked older, I did it willingly, I’m ok with it, but I want to tell her now she’s hurting.

Is this woman still your friend op?

Candydreamer · 21/08/2021 09:33

@Bluntness100

What I find curious about this, is not the op is saying I am devastated, he’s a paedo, I need her to know who her father was, she’s grieving him, but we need to get this in the open etc,

It’s literally it didn’t feel like abuse, I looked older, I did it willingly, I’m ok with it, but I want to tell her now she’s hurting.

Is this woman still your friend op?

why is that curious or particularly surprising? most children who have been sexually assaulted or abused do not realise the gravity of it. it doesnt seem at all curious to me that the OP is putting a romantic spin on it, most likely a defence mechanism and the reason this is now coming to her mind is because his death has triggered the memory for her. its evident that OP is starting to feel anger about it, hence the I want her to know who he really was. it must be hard to hear how great a man he was, when he was a paedophile who raped you at 15. I feel sorry for his daughter too, not an enviable position to be in for either.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/08/2021 09:35

FreeBritnee

Agree with everyone else, now is not the time to be throwing a hand grenade at your friend.“

This. You realise you will lose your friend too?

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2021 09:39

@Candydreamer. You’re projecting and putting your own spin on this. Stating how the op should feel or what she’s doing. You need to read what she’s writing. Actually listen to her.

The question of whether this is actually about what he did or if it’s about trying to hurt her “friend” is a key one. Wading in to answer for her based on generalisation is poor form.

LolitaIsNotRomantic · 21/08/2021 09:44

It’s literally it didn’t feel like abuse, I looked older, I did it willingly, I’m ok with it, but I want to tell her now she’s hurting.

Because that's what grooming does: it feels like seduction, not abuse. It is the MANIPULATION of a young teen/child by an older adult into a harmful situation.
You cannot imagine the guilt that grooming victims feel precisely because they were willing. And that gets thrown in their face again and again and again.
Controversial thought here but i will say it because I am sick of the way these things are misunderstood, especially the long term impact: I got both raped and groomed (different people) as a teen. The rape was awful, humiliating, disgusting etc. I got sympathy for that and could deal with it. Three years earlier, i had been groomed by a teacher who really hurt me deeply. Because I was 'consenting' and heart broken, I took decades to deal with the harm he inflicted. It had been a relationship, I was in love etc.That situation was way more toxic for me in the long run. It fucked my self esteem and relationships, and in some ways I'm still dealing with the fallout.
In the case of OP, that man's death is the trigger for her current feelings. She knows who he was, that he was a manipulative predator and that she was led into a situation that was toxic for her. She wants her friend's support but cannot get it for fear of causing more harm. That means the bastard is still hurting her from beyond the grave. He may not have hurt her physically but he put a burden on her that she did not need.
Grooming predators like him typically have no concept of the consequences of their actions. They only think through their ego and their dicks. I guess that's what OP must be thinking whenever someone sings his praises.