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Original poster

Friends late father seduced me when young

153 replies

Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 06:48

Well it’s that really.

My old school friends father passed away recently she worships him but when we were younger he seduced me and took my virginity.

I didn’t feel like it was abuse atall. I was 15 thought I was mature and well when he showed interest I didn’t say no.

It all happened on a hot summers day and I popped over to her house and she was got with her mum.

When I knocked on the door her father came from the side of the house and said they were out and did I want. Drink as they should be back soon . Clearly he knew they would not be.

We chatted and flirted . I enjoyed the attention and well I that was the first time

Should I tell her as I feel very guilty and whilst I thought I was grown up clearly he shouldn’t have.

Welcome thoughts.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 07:31

I think given the fact that he is now dead, telling her will only harm her no one else.

If her were alive and you were going to the police, it would be different. But he isn't facing justice or questions.

And if she thinks he was wonderful, who is to say she will believe you. She is grieving. Her long time friends drops that on her, while she is grieving she isn't likely to react well. She will be defensive and distraught.

You would be ending tbe friendship and causing her pain over something that did not involve her at all.

anon12345678901 · 17/08/2021 07:32

This could destroy your friendship. She will not want to hear it now, you should have told her when he was alive. Now is not the time.

Ayalight · 17/08/2021 07:33

Oh OP I fully understand how you feel but this will be driven by anger and you won't feel any better after. In fact you'll now be dealing with the fall out from it all and there will be new regrets. Clearly this still bothers you after therapy and that's okay, some traumas stay with us till we die but we have to make friends with them and realise that they make us the fantastic, resilient beings we are.

Awrite · 17/08/2021 07:36

She may not believe you.

Blankspace4 · 17/08/2021 07:36

I’m so sorry this happened to you. He was wrong and committed a criminal act.

If I were in your shoes I’d distance myself from your friend whilst she is in the talking about him all the time stage of grieving. This assumes she has another support network around her. You are allowed to protect yourself!!! But I wouldn’t tell her, I don’t see what it would achieve for anyone other than a lot of hurt.

Henrytheehoover · 17/08/2021 07:39

No one ever has bad thing to say about the dead. The most evil, vindictive person in the world is still thought of favourably once they are gone.

Let your friend grieve. You know the truth about the type of man her father was. In reality, I suspect your friend (and her mother) probably do too. But it's hard right now when it's raw.

I had a bereavement last year and a lot of things came out after they were gone and I am pissed off and angry that I can't talk to the person anymore about it. It's definitely made it harder to grieve. Dont do that to your friend, please.

ShippingNews · 17/08/2021 07:39

He was wonderful to her - why do you want to "tell all" at this time when she is grieving ?

You said yourself that you saw nothing wrong with it at the time , presumably you got on with your life. So why do you want to spoil someone else's life now ? It seems pretty vindictive to make her suffer for something she didn't do.

gardeninggirl68 · 17/08/2021 07:40

Christ op, you are no friend to her if this is what you are considering doing!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/08/2021 07:43

No way you tell her
Please don’t

But do get some help if you need it

But don’t Tel her please

JamesWilbysAbs · 17/08/2021 07:47

If she is your friend, you wouldn't even be considering telling her. Why would you want to deliberately cause a friend such pain and anguish for the rest of her life?
She very probably won't believe you. As she is grieving, her mind will protect her through denial. But then over time, the 'what if' will seep in and disturb her for years.
Even if she does believe you, what does it achieve? Your friend will be so confused, she probably won't be able to manage a friendship with you. She will also question why you never said anything to her over all those years, and feel that your friendship has been a sham.
Telling her does not put right what happened to you. You say you've already had counselling but there is obviously and understandably some unfinished business that you need to resolve- with a counsellor. Not someone who will pass the information on as gossip/ rumour.

Terhou · 17/08/2021 07:47

Do you really think it would help you or her to destroy your friendship? Because inevitably that would be the result of telling her.

GoWalkabout · 17/08/2021 07:48

OP, your feelings matter. Its ok to say whatever you want to anyone - you don't have to stay silent. You do need to process your own changing feelings about this, you do need to protect your feelings from people not believing you or blaming you, you do need to be ok with changes to your friendship and other consequences of saying anything. Take your time, get space to talk to a counsellor and process, don't feel pressure to do anything that's not right for you. And it was your life its up to you how to define this event and how to think about it.

SnatchCassidy · 17/08/2021 07:56

I'm curious why you didn't want her to know he's not the man she thought he was when he was alive and you could do something about it?

hardyloveit · 17/08/2021 08:01

Why leave it until he has passed?
Why did you not tell your friend before?

Do not tell her now. The only person it helps is you.

He was wrong to groom you being underage etc. And yes it is disgusting but do you really want to hurt your friend like that

MessyLifeCleanHouse · 17/08/2021 08:02

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Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 08:05

The man can’t even defend himself we have no idea that it wasn’t you who seduced him?

She was 15. Are saying grown men can't be expected to say no to underage girls? Even if she is the one that came in to him, he is still tbe one at fault.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 08:05

It sounds like you want to tell her to hurt her because she has nice things to say about him.

Please don't tell her. Leave her to grieve. You're not a good friend.

Ginger1982 · 17/08/2021 08:07

You can't tell her that.

Original poster
Havetotsell · 17/08/2021 08:08

That’s for all the advice.
I will keep my experience to myself.

OP posts:
Reb24934 · 17/08/2021 08:10

I think the responses on here are very harsh OP! I’m so sorry he did that to you. I don’t know if you should tell her or not, but he was an adult and you were underage and it must be so hard for you to hear her talking about him after what he did.

dottydodah · 17/08/2021 08:14

Maybe see a bit less of her? Obv she is grieving ATM.However it would be easy to probably snap and blurt out the truth .He sounds disgusting to take advantage of you .I do wonder if he had done something similar to someone else ?

Eviethyme · 17/08/2021 08:15

I'm glad your keeping it to yourself. Tainting her emotions of her father won't do anything except hurt your friend. It's like getting revenge on him through her and that's not right.

What he did was wrong and disgusting but that's not your friends fault and I think you'll find you will lose your friendship as she will blame you for her sudden emotion change and sadness.

paepoyrol · 17/08/2021 08:16

He was in the wrong obviously & you should have some therapy. But telling her when he's dead is wrong & likely you will lose your friend.

Wimowehwimowehwimowehwimoweh · 17/08/2021 08:17

[quote Havetotsell]@WunWun

He was not the man she thinks he was?[/quote]
Why would you be so cruel as to shatter her vision of her father? especially as he has died and it isn’t something she could speak to him about.

What he did was absolutely wrong but you have had many years to confront or report him or to tell her.

lilyfire · 17/08/2021 08:18

I agree with Reb. He abused you and sexually assaulted a child. It’s awful that he did that to you. I’d really consider getting some help or counselling for yourself.