Friends late father seduced me when young

[Havetotsell]

Well it’s that really.

My old school friends father passed away recently she worships him but when we were younger he seduced me and took my virginity.

I didn’t feel like it was abuse atall. I was 15 thought I was mature and well when he showed interest I didn’t say no.

It all happened on a hot summers day and I popped over to her house and she was got with her mum.

When I knocked on the door her father came from the side of the house and said they were out and did I want. Drink as they should be back soon . Clearly he knew they would not be.

We chatted and flirted . I enjoyed the attention and well I that was the first time

Should I tell her as I feel very guilty and whilst I thought I was grown up clearly he shouldn’t have.

Welcome thoughts.

@Kintsugi16

I can’t see any victim blaming.

The problem is that the only people who will be hurt by talking now will be the friend and her family. What about the friends poor Mum?

Really? Have you read the whole thread?

@Throughabushbackwards

I can't believe all of the victim blaming on this thread! What a vile man - shagging his child's friend in his own home. While his wife was out

Tell your friend at an appropriate time. That may mean waiting several months but I think she needs to know. It's highly likely (from his behaviour with you) that he was a serial shagger/adulterer, so the family may already know in any case.

There's not really any victim blaming on this thread - no one is saying the OP was at fault. People are just saying it won't do anyone any good now to tell the friend. If the OP wanted the father being brought to justice this isn't the way to go about it when the friend is an innocent party here and she would be the one to most suffer (not saying the OP isn't suffering because of what happened herself though).

If my Dad had behaved like that with a friend of mine, dead or alive, I would want to know. But how can any of us know whether or not your friend can tolerate this at the moment? You might need to wait to share this with your friend, but at some point that feels like it is going to need to be said.

There are different ways to interpret victim blaming in this scenario and through the comments on this thread.

There is a real lack of compassion from a lot of posters, many suggesting she is looking for attention/is spiteful/is very angry (I mean obviously?)/ that she could of been the one who seduced him, not the other way round. It comes across to me like because OP said she was flattered and didn't try to stop him SOME users have failed to see it as the abuse it was and have read it more like the OP simply slept with her friends father and now wants to tell her just because.

It's not hard to understand why this mans death has caused OP all sorts or turmoil, nor why she questioned if the right thing to do was to tell her friend. Some of the comments on here have been quite astounding to me in their lack of empathy.

And there is no other way to interpret comments like 'maybe you seduced him' then to see it as victim blaming, or to suggest OP likes/needs attention..

I only see one person that has attempted to victim blame.

Telling the OP she shouldn't be sharing this now, is not victim blaming at all. Its not placing any blame for the incident, at the feet of the op

The timing of her revealing what happened, is entirely in her control now. Saying its the wrong thing to do to her friend right now, isn't placing any blame on op for what happened.

Its also actually protecting her. Of she tells her grieving friend this happened, rightly or wrong, she probably lt won't be believed. There will be questions like 'if you can stand hearing about him, why didn't you say something before. Why stay friends with me? Why tell now?'.

There's no proof and op could end up being entirely ostrisied from any friends that are connected, because after he is gone is a cruel time to do it.

People saying they would want to know, maybe you would. Or maybe you would be shocked because you know your dad so well and he wasn't like that. And you would wonder if you friend had to tell you because she couldn't stand hearing about it , why she had remained friends with you for years. Her dad must have come up in converstation. You might be thinking 'why would they say this right now, when he can't defend himself and no can prove anything either way'

No one knows how they would react unless they are her and it happens. Because we all have different people with relationships with our partners and friends. And we don't always react the way we think and hope we would. Especially when already emotional.

I wouldnt tell her, if she thinks so much of him she probably won’t believe you and you will lose a friend.

@GreatAuntEmily thank god we don’t live in the 1500s any more. Don’t think anyone today would blame the Young girl in this instance, fortunately we have moved in from these awful name calling misogynistic ideas.

Oh! I’m wrong, @Wowwe has just gone and done it. Incredible.

I don't think think OP should keep it to herself. Not at all. Not what people here have advised.
They have said not to tell the friend. They haven't said keep it to yourself. There is a huge difference.
The consensus here is tell a counsellor.

Absolutely do not tell her! Let her keep her own lovely version of her dad - it's not her fault that he seduced you.

Years ago when I was 20 my then best friend told me her businessman step-father needed a part-time secretary and would I be interested. Within five minutes of me arriving for the interview he said that if I was prepared to go to bed with him once a week he'd buy me jewellery and take me to Paris once a month. I was so shocked I told him I'd think about it and left

I never went round to her house again but she's a lovely person with a lovely mum and I couldn't bear to hurt their feelings, so I never told them.

I suspect that the man in question was not the angel that his daughter thinks he was and that deep down, she and her mother both know this. It is unlikely that you were the only person outside of his marriage that he slept with.

His daughter is repeating the mantra that this man was a great man while questioning her inner voice that tells her otherwise and questioning the pieces of evidence and small doubts that lead her to wonder if what she saw or thinks or heard rumours of are true and if those people really knew her perfect father.

Telling the truth might free everyone and give them courage to speak up in the future.

(It might also be met with resistance, guilt, anger, shame.. )

Hi all,
Thanks to those who have reported this thread. We've had a look into the background and are inclined to give this poster the benefit of the doubt. We are grateful for you flagging it.

@Havetotsell

That’s for all the advice. I will keep my experience to myself.

Perhaps keep it from her, because speaking up now would punish her, not the man who really deserves it.

But don't keep it to yourself - it might be helpful to seek counselling. Some part of you can't let go of this, which is understandable. You should talk to a professional to help process your emotions. You have some complex feelings about this, and that's only to be expected.

It must be horrible trying to support your friend whilst also trying to hold it together - still. You're carrying a lot, and talking to someone unconnected from the situation might be useful.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

If she thinks he's so wonderful, I doubt she would even believe you.

You might not be the only girl he did that to so someone else might burst her bubble.

Do please seek some support, OP. This may feel like you can now never get closure for what this man did to you when you were very young.

I am glad to hear you will not tell your friend at this point. Let her and her family grieve. It may be that she already knows that her father was not the wonderful man that she is talking of now. That makes grief complicated. Perhaps a time will come to tell her, but that time is definitely not now.

I’m sorry for the pain this has bought you

I know you got some strong reactions

I’d distance yourself from her for a while

It’s weird how a death can bring this all up again

Look after yourself and maybe leave thread delete thread if it’s making you more upset

She might not believe you of course which would be terrible for you

Far too much victim blaming on thus thread. I know that only 2 posters are saying that the op was to blame for the incident but far too many have called her cruel or spiteful for thinking about telling her friend.

You don't know what's going on in her head so don't try to attribute motives. It's far more likely that the abuser's death has brought the trauma back to the front of her mind and that she feels a need to confront what happened to her.

I agree with pp who have said that it would only hurt her friend and that the op shouldn't tell her, especially while she's grieving. But some of you could have taken some time to think about the impact of your words before posting.

The op and her friend are both suffering but in different ways and for different reasons. They both deserve kindness.

So many people with words like ‘cruel’ and ‘evil’ and ‘spiteful’ for the OP, but haven’t condemned the adult who instigated sexual contact with a child.

I’m depressed by the responses on this thread.

Absolutely not. No good will come of it, I'm telling you that now. Even if her dad was a philanderer, it's a big step from having affairs to statutory rape of your best mate- I doubt she'll take it at face value, especially when you've waited until he's dead and so can't defend the allegations. How will that make you feel? To be disbelieved or cut off by someone you clearly have a long-standing friendship with? Who might just blame your for "seducing" her DDad, or tell mutual friends? Potentially cast aspersions on your mental health? Do you think that will help your recovery long term?

Even if something you say does resonate with her, the desire for her to protect her memories and the image she has of her dad in her head could be so strong that she chooses that over you. It's more than likely going to cause the end of the friendship, but the ripple effect could cause much broader ramifications.

I believe you, I really do. I think his death and the resultant grieving process your friend is going through has drawn up a host of emotions are you're trying to figure out what way to deal with them. Therapy or counselling isn't a "one and done", those of us that have had it often have relapses where we need help, even if it's just a session or two. That's where you need to focus on as a first aid measure.

@Wowwe no you are disgusting. How dare you excuse child abuse and blame the victim. Shame on you!

I'm so sorry this happened on. I remember being 15 and thinking I was grown up but now I see my children that age and they are kids and he raped you because that is what sex with a minor is. This wasn't in any way consensual.

And you wouldn't be bursting your friend's bubble, her father did. And maybe you weren't the first or only kid/person he did it to because to so easily and opportunistic ally invite his child's friend and rape you in his house doesn't seem like the actions of someone who has never done that before.

But I wouldn't know what to do in your shoes so I have no advice. Maybe seek professional guidance?