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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband strangled me

218 replies

Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:22

I was on an old thread talking about how my husband strangled me. He has been abusive for 35 years and I finally left. He has abused me in every way possible but I loved him due to a trauma bond. I see him for what he is now but the last two days have been torture for me. I’m desperate to go back home and yes I miss him because he has isolated me from everybody else.
Here is what I have done - I took pictures of all my injuries and printed them out and put them on the wall. I then took A4 paper sheets and wrote all the things he had ever done to me and wallpapered the room with these. I’m trying so hard not to go home to my narcissistic abusive husband but you would not believe how hard it is to do this alone. My dad is 90 and not really with it so I support him and I do not tell him anything- there is no point as it would just upset him. I have done nothing but cry - I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m thinking I just can’t do this. It would be so much easier to just go back….. but I’m not going to - I’ve had enough and I feel sorry for him- I feel compassion for this monster who treated me so badly for all those years but I remind myself that he feels nothing for me and certainly not love. He has also been having some sort of emotional affair online with his first love for the last 3 years. He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful. In all the years we were together he never said I was beautiful or said sorry for any of the despicable things he did to me. I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap.

OP posts:
B1rdflyinghigh · 13/08/2021 22:36

You left.
Did you go back? It's not clear from your post.
You're living with your ailing Dad?
I think you need to make sure you dont go back, get enrolled on the freedom project and count yourself lucky you escaped.

Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:38

No I only left the other day. I don’t live with my dad but he is basically the only person in my life. Thanks I will google the freedom project.

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 13/08/2021 22:40

You're out. You're free. Well done.

Don't go back, keep reminding yourself why you left.

Freedom Programme is a must.

category12 · 13/08/2021 22:41

freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Well done for leaving.

It's going to be hard for a while. You can do this. It'll get easier.

StrawberryPuff · 13/08/2021 22:41

Saje are doing Zoom freedom programmes.

Polly271220 · 13/08/2021 22:48

Well done for getting away from that piece of shit

Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:50

@Polly271220

Well done for getting away from that piece of shit
It’s only been a few days but thank you for your support Polly.
OP posts:
Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:51

Thank you all who suggested the freedom programme and I am looking into this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:52

@category12 thanks for your support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:53

@ScreamingBeans thank you.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 13/08/2021 22:54

Have you any children. Have you been in touch with women's aid xx

Freedomprogramme · 13/08/2021 22:54

Another vote for freedom programme

Wolframhart · 13/08/2021 22:55

My mom left a few times. She always went back. As an adult I offered my help to get her out. She declined and said It was the only life she knew. She died in her 60s of cancer and my father was actively dating within a month. She never found freedom or safety. He got a second phase of life without consequence and with all their assets.

Take this shot at freedom. Go live a real life.

Cocopopsss · 13/08/2021 22:55

So sorry for what you have been through Flowers
It will be tough initially but going back to him is not an option. You deserve far better. You can do this!

Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:56

@Polly271220 you know what? What you said has really resonated with me. He is a piece of shit. He thinks he is god’s gift and he charms everyone into thinking he is so amazing but actually the truth is, he is just a piece of shit like you said. Thanks for telling it like it is.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/08/2021 22:58

Can you make some plans for yourself, to help you get through the weekend? See what's on in your area that you fancy trying, get yourself a good book or boxset, do some nice things for yourself? Perhaps look at groups and meet-ups to start to build a new social circle?

And maybe start making some medium to long-term plans for things you'd like to do? (eg. I'm slowly saving for a trip away) So you have things to look forward to and aim for.

Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:58

@Christmasfairy2020 my child is grown up and happy and lives quite far away and I don’t want to ask her for emotional support so I haven’t yet told her I’ve left and I doubt he has or she would have been in touch. No I’ve not been in touch with women’s aid but that is a good idea thanks.

OP posts:
MiamiBeach104 · 13/08/2021 22:59

jut read your post and wanted to share some kind and hopefully encouraging words with you. you've achieved so much leaving him already. of course it is hard and of course you still love him. but stay strong. you will feel so much better in few weeks time. keep yourself busy with activities that bring you joy. if you can meet some people jus doing them that's even better. just be happy by yourself for yourself only. well done! things will only get better from now. 3 months from now on you will be able to think more clear than you do now. just get through this period! good luck!

Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 23:00

@Cocopopsss Thank you for the support and encouragement x

OP posts:
FOJN · 13/08/2021 23:00

He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful.

You write this as if it is evidence of your failing rather than seeing it as evidence of what a calculating abuser he is. It was never you, it was always him. The woman he's been having an EA with will be abused just as you were because he's an abuser.

Despite his effort to destroy any shred of self worth in you, you managed to leave. After such a long abusive relationship your journey to recovery will be long and hard but you can do this. Making the decision to leave and walking out the door to a new life which you can't see the shape of yet took immense courage. You have the opportunity for a better life if you don't go back but only more of the same if you return, abusers don't change.

Keep going, don't look back. There are support services for DA survivors, you are going to need some help, don't be afraid to find it and use it.

Queenie6655 · 13/08/2021 23:02

You have done amazing

Great work

Keep posting here !!!

Well done

Please contact police
How dare he lay a finger on you in this way

justabigdisco · 13/08/2021 23:02

I don’t normally post on these threads as I don’t feel I have anything useful to say, but yours has really resonated with me. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through. Absolutely well done for taking the decision to leave, I can total understand how it feels like it would be so much easier to just go back. But please don’t. Please don’t go back to him. You don’t deserve that.

justabigdisco · 13/08/2021 23:02

*totally understand

Original poster
Daretohope · 13/08/2021 23:04

@Wolframhart OMG! Your poor Mum. Thank you for sharing her story. I completely understand why she went back but I wish she hadn’t. That could be me if I went back. If I think about going back again I’m going to read your post again and again. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/08/2021 23:08

Those feels of "love" and wanting to go back, write out that those feelings are actually fear of the unknown and anxiety.

When they bob up you can talk to them "Hi fear of the future thank you for turning up but I know the future may have difficult moments but it will be fine. I'll make friends and feel safe"