My husband strangled me

[Daretohope]

I was on an old thread talking about how my husband strangled me. He has been abusive for 35 years and I finally left. He has abused me in every way possible but I loved him due to a trauma bond. I see him for what he is now but the last two days have been torture for me. I’m desperate to go back home and yes I miss him because he has isolated me from everybody else.
Here is what I have done - I took pictures of all my injuries and printed them out and put them on the wall. I then took A4 paper sheets and wrote all the things he had ever done to me and wallpapered the room with these. I’m trying so hard not to go home to my narcissistic abusive husband but you would not believe how hard it is to do this alone. My dad is 90 and not really with it so I support him and I do not tell him anything- there is no point as it would just upset him. I have done nothing but cry - I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m thinking I just can’t do this. It would be so much easier to just go back….. but I’m not going to - I’ve had enough and I feel sorry for him- I feel compassion for this monster who treated me so badly for all those years but I remind myself that he feels nothing for me and certainly not love. He has also been having some sort of emotional affair online with his first love for the last 3 years. He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful. In all the years we were together he never said I was beautiful or said sorry for any of the despicable things he did to me. I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap.

@FOJN you are so right. They don’t change and he never will, ever. I lived in hope that one day he might but after 35 years, it is now obvious to me that he won’t change. Thank you.

I just wanted to also say well done @Daretohope.

@Queenie6655 thank you - I didn’t think that way before as I guess I felt I was worthless and deserved it in some way yes you’re right HOW DARE HE. How dare he lay a hand on me, the mother of his child. I’m changing my passive attitude. He does not deserve me.

@justabigdisco Thanks for your supportive and encouraging comment. I really hope nothing like this has ever happened to you. I’m doing my utmost to stay strong and not go back.

If she knows he hit you once she will know exactly what a total bastard he is but she probably keeping quiet so the boat isn't rocked and you are not hurt more. My Mum tries to keep problems from me (health etc) and it's awful as my imagination creates much worse things which I then worry myself sick over. When you are ready, tell her the bare facts. You are brave and strong and maybe that's the DNA she's got.

@ElizabethTudor thanks. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it is much harder to stay away but I’m doing my best.

@bluedomino I think I’ve been a bit blind - you could be right- she could be worrying and now I’m safe she has nothing to worry about. I will have a talk with her and I hope your Mum is ok 💕

You are not blind, you've just been under a huge shadow and now you've got sun on your face. Hang in there. X

@Terhou it is the trauma bond. I can’t really explain what a trauma bond is but it is like being kidnapped and you develop a relationship with your kidnapper because you depend on them for food and for your very survival and you’re just so delighted when for a second they aren’t shouting or hitting you - difficult to explain but I tried. Thanks for commenting.

Well done OP, you’ve done it! You no longer need to live in fear of that utter piece of shit. You might feel anxious and worried about being alone, but you’ll never feel as alone as being with a violent, manipulative, isolating bully makes you feel - NEVER AGAIN!

You’ve chosen you, it’s the beat decision you could have ever made xx

Hi Op. Well done for leaving! You can do this.
I am a long time lurker. This is my first post/response to a post. This really resonated with me.
I left my abuser almost 7 weeks ago. I felt exactly the same initially. I was desperate to go home. He has been my life for 21 years. But no more! It has been so emotionally draining and difficult but I am getting there and you will too.
I was so scared to reach out to my loved ones but I did it and they are the reason I haven't gone back. They have been incredibly supportive even though I pushed them away because of him for so long.
I finally feel free to be me.
You are so strong and brave.

@Moonshine5 thank you. I am worth more than I endured. That is a thought worth contemplating. Your post gives me hope for the future. You’re so right. I haven’t really had a life for so many years- I see now it was almost like living in a prison with an evil warden. It’s like I’ve suddenly woken up- nobody ever understood what I’ve been going through until I posted on here - I’ve not had empathy before because of course - he had none. Thanks again.

Go back and he will treat you even worse (if that’s possible)because he will see you as weak because he will know that you will never have the strength to leave him.Being on your own can be lonely but it is a million times better than being in an abusive relationship. All the divorces in the world are because one party is saying I’m not putting up with this anymore.You will never meet anyone while your tied to him

I have a dear friend who left her emotionally abusive husband some years ago, then after a few months went back. Since then I've watched in horror as she's become a skeletal shadow of her formerly bright, decisive self. Nothing I've said or done has helped.

Don't be her.

@Scoobz81 I’m so very sorry to hear you went through a bad time with an abuser. 7 weeks- wow. Well done. I’m glad you have people in real life to support you. 21 years is also a very long time. I kidded myself on that he loved me but you don’t treat people you love like that. That is one of the hardest things to get my head round - the fact that he didn’t ever and doesn’t now love me. Why did I stay? Why did you stay for so long? Why does any woman stay in an abusive relationship? I have excuses but no answers. One poster said to me if that was your daughter being abused what would you advise her? I know my daughter would never stay in a relationship like that as she values herself as I should have done. I would advise her to leave yet I couldn’t take my own advice. You left and you have stayed away. I’m so proud of you. When I get to week 7 I will be proud of myself. You are strong and brave and when you are still going through this yourself and you reach out and help me - it shows what an amazing person you are. Thank you and good luck and stay away. Think of the last 5 years and if you don’t want to repeat them then don’t go back. Take care and enjoy your new well deserved life. X

You are incredible op.

You have been through so much for so long and I understand how terrifying that must be. 35 years, you have done your time with this monster, no one deserves to live like that.

You have every right to live on this planet without fear, intimidation and violence, you are right, HOW DARE HE.
He is a spineless woman beater, who I should imagine has abused you in so many ways it would take years to tell your story.

It's scary to be cast adrift especially after so many years but you must remind yourself continually that nothing would change, he will never be a decent human being, you know that. You have been so brave to leave, and I understand your confidence has been hit so hard you feel it will be impossible to open up to others and make friends, you must feel damaged by him.

Well he can't keep winning, hold on, every day remember that you will become stronger, maybe not at first but you will.

You must be so tired and exhausted, you have been through hell and that will take a long time to recover from, be kind to yourself, if you slept for a year it wouldn't touch the surface to repair the damage he's done so baby steps, do not put pressure on youself for everything to be magically right, you are suffering trauma.

Keep posting, you are an inspiration, extraordinarily brave and deserve all the love in the world for what that bastard has done to you.
xx

Sweetie, you have done so well, stay strong.
You can do this.
Can you phone Women’s Aid? I am sure they have an emergency number.
You can absolutely do this.
You have all these women - many of whom been through the same thing behind you.

[quote Daretohope]@Scoobz81 I’m so very sorry to hear you went through a bad time with an abuser. 7 weeks- wow. Well done. I’m glad you have people in real life to support you. 21 years is also a very long time. I kidded myself on that he loved me but you don’t treat people you love like that. That is one of the hardest things to get my head round - the fact that he didn’t ever and doesn’t now love me. Why did I stay? Why did you stay for so long? Why does any woman stay in an abusive relationship? I have excuses but no answers. One poster said to me if that was your daughter being abused what would you advise her? I know my daughter would never stay in a relationship like that as she values herself as I should have done. I would advise her to leave yet I couldn’t take my own advice. You left and you have stayed away. I’m so proud of you. When I get to week 7 I will be proud of myself. You are strong and brave and when you are still going through this yourself and you reach out and help me - it shows what an amazing person you are. Thank you and good luck and stay away. Think of the last 5 years and if you don’t want to repeat them then don’t go back. Take care and enjoy your new well deserved life. X[/quote]
Oh OP, for you and pp, EVERY day counts that you are away and safe. And please be proud of yourself for every single minute and every single hour that you stand up for yourselves and refuse to take on the bullshit.

You are all amazing

Well done for leaving him. You are an amazing and strong woman. Now, for the sake of the rest of your life, please continue to be strong and don’t go back. You have an opportunity now for a completely new life away from that arsehole. Seize it with both hands!

[quote Daretohope]@Twillow. You’ve never looked back? I’m looking back already, sometimes with rose coloured spectacles. I see what you mean. I’ve to maybe regret that the relationship didn’t work out but not regret leaving him because it’s an abusive relationship. I will check those out thanks.[/quote]
Never ever regretted leaving, no. Regretted not leaving earlier - yes -but you and I know it's something you can only do when you are ready. It took me 25 years and I have been free for nearly 10 years now.
Of course, there were some good times with him, otherwise it would have been easier to leave earlier. And he had a 'good' side too which was showing when we got together.
But I wouldn't go back for all the tea in China, and believe me he tried to persuade me. But the mask definitely slips when I don't play by his rules, and reminds me of why I left.

Well done on taking the huge step of leaving. You've had many years of being a victim. It's time to change that. Stay strong, my lovely.

Thank you.
That is the question I will ask myself for a long time. Why did I stay? Well, I loved him, I wanted him to change and hoped that he would. But I was just kidding myself. He won't ever change.
I have left before and went back. I feel so stupid now for doing so but I didn't know any different. It was my life. He was my life.
Keep looking to the future and how much happier you will be without him. This is what is keeping me going. I am so much happier already after just 7 weeks. I feel lighter, I feel free.
I wish you all the strength to stay away op. Keep posting and keep reaching out x

Well done for getting yourself out, truly, well done. It must have taken enormous courage and bravery, you've made a huge achievement. Don't go back. Focus your efforts on building a good life for yourself and your dad. I don't even know you but I'm really proud of you!

Don’t go back OP he will humiliate you and use you and bully you to make himself feel powerful. The pull is strong I know, but you can be stronger.

I’m 25 years away from my abuser but I will never forget how hard it was to leave! He was the scum of the earth but somehow made me feel like I was!!!

My life now is great and I have a wonderful marriage.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Well done to the many on here who have left.

I imagine thT a lot of time must have been spent treading on egg shells and either anticipating his needs or doing things to keep him happy or worrying and one way or another, your world centred around him and now you don’t have that you feel lost?

Although not for this reason, I have been in a situation where your head is consumed by something and then that stops and I felt so lost and worried. For me it was a major house renovation to a tight deadline but all DH and I did outside of work was either doing the work, shopping for materials, chasing trades or planning for it, it still consumed us both to the point of exhaustion. Afterwards I felt lost and without purpose and I no longer had to be doing something.

Your situation has been so much longer and more serious and it will take a long time to heal fully, but I just wanted to try and explain that you have good reason to feel as you do and it might be the routine and normality that you are missing as change is scary, even good change.

I would start thinking about what you want to do with your time now, maybe look up some local clubs or activities, you don’t need to go yet, but start thinking about what you might want to do in a few months time and right now, do things you want to do at home, whether that’s baking fairy cakes or watching crap tv or having a two hour bath or whatever it is. Remember there are so many classes online as well so if you want to learn or do yoga or try meditation to calm you down then you can try them in private

Stay strong and tell your daughter, it’s better the news comes from you x