My husband strangled me

[Daretohope]

I was on an old thread talking about how my husband strangled me. He has been abusive for 35 years and I finally left. He has abused me in every way possible but I loved him due to a trauma bond. I see him for what he is now but the last two days have been torture for me. I’m desperate to go back home and yes I miss him because he has isolated me from everybody else.
Here is what I have done - I took pictures of all my injuries and printed them out and put them on the wall. I then took A4 paper sheets and wrote all the things he had ever done to me and wallpapered the room with these. I’m trying so hard not to go home to my narcissistic abusive husband but you would not believe how hard it is to do this alone. My dad is 90 and not really with it so I support him and I do not tell him anything- there is no point as it would just upset him. I have done nothing but cry - I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m thinking I just can’t do this. It would be so much easier to just go back….. but I’m not going to - I’ve had enough and I feel sorry for him- I feel compassion for this monster who treated me so badly for all those years but I remind myself that he feels nothing for me and certainly not love. He has also been having some sort of emotional affair online with his first love for the last 3 years. He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful. In all the years we were together he never said I was beautiful or said sorry for any of the despicable things he did to me. I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap.

Well done for leaving op.

I left my abusive partner. It takes time to rebuild your life, understand the level of control.

I left with my baby .. one of the first things i did was watch hospital dramas because i wasn't allowed to. It then took a while before i found how i wanted to live my life.

I think you need to tell your dd you left. It also supports you have left and less likely to go back.

Are you on fb - reconnect with people.

Start building a support/ social system locally.

Well done for leaving. Make it as difficult as you can to go back. Tell everyone, especially your daughter but also your Dad. You need to stop trying to protect others and start protecting yourself.

You are beautiful and you are strong

Right my dear you need a plan. It’s like you’ve been in prison or kidnapped. Or been smoking four 20 years.

Stopping / getting out is only the first step. You then have a lot more work to stay clean / sober / build a new life for yourself outside.

You’d not expect to leave prison after 20 years and suddenly have a normal happy life outside. You expect to have severe cravings for a cigarette or a drink if you were quitting.

How you feel is TOTALLY normal. But you need a plan to stay away.

You need people who you can call on for support when you are down, that can be online like here on MN, there are people here 24/7.

You can call a helpline like the Samaritans or a DV helpline if you can get through.

Joining the Freedom programme is essential, please do this ASAP . In person is better if theres one in your area. Otherwise online.

Read the Lundy Bancroft book “ Why does he do that? “ its free online.

Do sone things for your physical and mental health, like mediaitaion / prayer/ exercise. Join a local walking group ( often free at your local sports centre ).

Do c25K and then do your local parkrun .

I’m not sure of you work but if not start applying for jobs or training .

You need to BUIlD a new life for yourself, one thats free from him.

Remember that NOW is the most dangerous time for you. If yougo back to him or even see him he is likely to seriously injure you or kill you. There’s lots of evidence for this, please dont take it lightly or think I’m you go to scare you.

You are a strong resourceful woman and you can do this.

Hello OP. I wanted to pop in to say congratulations. Also to say if you were a long lost friend of mine, separated by the manipulating actions of an abuser , I'd welcome you back with open arms, whatever was said or done way back.

Make contact with nice sensible friends from the past and explore whether any of these relationships can be nurtured back to life.

Stay strong and remember that you are an awesome woman who deserves the best in life. Welcome to freedom and happiness!

OP you are amazing.

This monster has spent the last 35 years systematically pulling you apart, your confidence, your self worth, your safety, your sanity and you have STILL been strong enough to leave. That makes you superhero levels of awesome.

The first thing you need to do is tell people. Tell your friends, tell your family, let them support you and help you on the days you feel yourself weakening. Can you imagine what you would say to a friend if they showed you that wall of abuse?
Can you imagine any of them saying - go back to him, it was your fault, he loves you. NO! No-one would ever, ever say that. Loads of people have recommended the freedom programme, it sounds like exactly what you need right now, I hope you can find one locally ASAP.

In your very first post you asked if there are kind and caring men who don't treat their wives or partners like crap? Yes. Yes there are. There are millions of men out there who would be absolutely horrified and revolted by your husband's abusive behaviour. Genuinely distressed, upset and angered by it. I know that you aren't looking for a partner right now but just keep in the back of your mind that of all the men out there your ex is not the standard man, he's not normal, he's not good, he's not a bloke's bloke, he's no-one's bloke, he's a deviant, cruel, piece of shit who brings shame to the male name. There are men who love their wives, respect them, lift them up, support them, encourage them and marvel at their strength so have faith.

OP you are so strong, I have faith you can keep going. Make a little plan. Even if it's just for the next few days or weeks. Please talk to your friends and your daughter, let them support you. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Onwards and upwards!

'I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap'

There are. I promise. I used to wonder things like this when I had just left my abusive partner. The relationship was not as long as yours but it was physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive, it turned me into a shell of myself. I got out and I am so proud that I did. 7 years on I am happily married to a wonderful man who has never hurt me or made me feel unsafe.

There is a beautiful world out there for you. Please don't lose hope, the loneliness was a killer at first but with time, and some serious therapy, everything will look a little brighter.

You mention 'going home'- try and remind yourself it isn't Home, it was your prison cell for 35 years. You are, in effect, institutionalised but you can recover! Just don't go back.

Plan some treats. Things you'll enjoy. Even better, things he stopped you doing. Maybe friends or places or food he didn't like.

Buy yourself a bunch of flowers. Make your new place 'home'.

@Daretohope how are you feeling today?

You are going through exactly what lots of people feel after they e left, it's totally normal. Your whole way of thinking has been changed by him. You have been conditioned into thinking you can't do anything without him.

Find the small victories. What did he criticise and prove him totally wrong.

For me driving was a big one, he would have me in tears if I ever drove. Had me thinking I was rubbish, dangerous and couldn't go very far. So after I left I drove. I bought things for my new place on eBay and drove all over picking them up.

I got more confident and made longer trips. And a couple of years ago drove whilst abroad something I would never have been told I could do.

You can do this. Leaving is hard, staying left is harder cause it lasts a long time.

Well done for leaving! My mum left my dad after many years of mental abuse. She still has days where she misses "him" but actually it's the companionship she misses, but feels safe in her little flat.
Many of her illnesses were caused by stress and these have now abated.
Please tell your daughter.

well don't for leaving.

As well as photos of your injuries you should print out a list of the poor women who've been murdered by their evil partners in the last year.
Your name may well be on one of those lists if you go back to a man who strangled you..

What an amazing, strong woman you are - thanks for posting. Have skimmed the thread and you have some great advice and solidarity from other brave women like you. What you have experienced is terrible . I think you are right that he has not loved you for a long time, and I understand that this hurts but I think you need to try to respond to the inner voice going over that, reminding yourself this is a reflection on him and not you. Imagine being so cold and disconnected that you could harm someone so close in this way. You are totally loveable and the way he has treated you is not your fault. Women stay for many reasons but one is that they are very accurate at assessing the risk to themselves of leaving - it is the most dangerous time. I wanted to check if you are totally safe? Does he know where you are? I agree with others, talk to your daughter and make it real. Good luck.

@Wolframhart that is heartbreaking, truly heartbreaking. Your mum knew you were there for her and must have been comforted by it. How lovely for her that you were her rock. She died shrouded in your love, not his abuse

@Daretohope - welcome to the club. It’s full of people like yourself who struggled to leave awful relationships. You’re in good company!

The strength and bravery required to leave shouldn’t be underestimated.

I got out just over a year ago, and I want to pass on a few things to you, which may help…

I left my STBEX to demonstrate to my DCs that I had the strength and self worth to walk away (after 20+ years) . I explained to them that good marriages are equal partnerships and what they’d seen was in no way equal.
They know that when they come and see me, my house is full of love and laughter… and good food!
Please bear that in mind when considering whether to talk to your daughter. She will have known about your situation.

Secondly, you’ll be surprised at how many friends and family that you’ve lost over the years will welcome you back. I was totally dumbstruck at how concerned they’d been about me, and they all now have my back.

Lastly there’s a lot of helpful info online, especially YouTube. Have a google.

Whatever you do… don’t go back.

Sending you a virtual hug OP, you have done so well to get out. Don't blow it now, stay strong, it WILL get easier. Keeping yourself busy this weekend is a good idea. Focus on looking after you and being kind to yourself. Good luck. 💐

@Daretohope I am so happy for you right now.

You have come so far already, last week I commented your posts on the other thread last week where you picked a zombie thread so only a small handful of people picked it up. You have now left, you are starting your new life and you’ve asked for support on your own thread, you’ve done the really brave bit.

The ladies on here are incredible with advice in situations like yours. Just take baby steps for now, do tell your dd you don’t have to go into detail, that will happen when the time is right, but it will be a relief for you. Then spend the weekend doing something small for you, go for a walk, watch something on tv that you wouldn’t normally feel comfortable watching, buy something small for the house.

💐💐

Well done for leaving OP. I hope you don't go back. My mum kept going back. I was really affected by this as a dc and now I'm an adult I have tried to offer support but my mum is so entwined that she's ended up turning on me rather than ever leave now. She's been there for 45 years with my dad, nearly her whole life and it's such a waste.
He too would have affairs here and there and she would 'fight' for him back, she'd be 'proud' when he chose her in the end.

But what for? Until the next one? My dad only cared for himself, his own feelings, even if he went after another woman it was to serve his own needs.

Imagine all the things you can do if you leave and all things you'll be doing if you go back. If you leave you'll be free to create a life around who you are, probably something you haven't thought about in a long time, you are worth it, but he won't ever have you believe that.
On a more positive note many women never leave so you're doing really well already

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

well don't for leaving.

As well as photos of your injuries you should print out a list of the poor women who've been murdered by their evil partners in the last year.
Your name may well be on one of those lists if you go back to a man who strangled you..

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves I have printed out your post and put it on the wall and highlighted the last sentence. Thanks I needed to hear this

@Billybagpuss thank you. I’m struggling with everything - even trying to reply as I have been out of the workplace for so long and find technology difficult especially on a small phone. You are all a lifeline for me- I don’t know what I thought I would find when I googled “my husband strangled me” but I found the incredible support of you all on on here and it reduced me to tears and made me realise that there are good people
Out there in the world so thank you all x

You have done amazing

It is so so hard

Stay strong xxxxxx

@fluffymcfluffison it sounds like your Mum is like me- caught in a trauma bond. I’m desperate to go back but I’m not going to - it has taken me 35 years to realise I’m worth more than that so maybe one day your Mum will just decide she has enough. I do hope so and if she decides to stay I know you will continue to support her in any way you can because it is like being kidnapped only you just can’t see that the door is open and you can leave. Thanks for your encouragement x

@Queenie6655 Thank you Queenie.

@Hopeisnotastrategy
Thank you. It was actually easier to leave than it is to stay away.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie
I’m so glad you are happy now and have a happy home. Thanks for taking the time to give me advice - I really appreciate it.

@Undersnatch
Thanks- no he does not know where I am. I am safe and quite far away. I did talk to my daughter but she is stressed with work just now so I just said I had left and that I was safe and fine and not to worry. Thanks for your kind words.

@Blueuggboots thanks - I’m so glad your Mum is safe. I agree that many illnesses are caused by the stress of living with abuse. Every time I was ill he would shout at me. It was horrendous. Hopefully I will be healthier now I’m free of him.