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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband strangled me

218 replies

Daretohope · 13/08/2021 22:22

I was on an old thread talking about how my husband strangled me. He has been abusive for 35 years and I finally left. He has abused me in every way possible but I loved him due to a trauma bond. I see him for what he is now but the last two days have been torture for me. I’m desperate to go back home and yes I miss him because he has isolated me from everybody else.
Here is what I have done - I took pictures of all my injuries and printed them out and put them on the wall. I then took A4 paper sheets and wrote all the things he had ever done to me and wallpapered the room with these. I’m trying so hard not to go home to my narcissistic abusive husband but you would not believe how hard it is to do this alone. My dad is 90 and not really with it so I support him and I do not tell him anything- there is no point as it would just upset him. I have done nothing but cry - I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m thinking I just can’t do this. It would be so much easier to just go back….. but I’m not going to - I’ve had enough and I feel sorry for him- I feel compassion for this monster who treated me so badly for all those years but I remind myself that he feels nothing for me and certainly not love. He has also been having some sort of emotional affair online with his first love for the last 3 years. He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful. In all the years we were together he never said I was beautiful or said sorry for any of the despicable things he did to me. I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daretohope · 14/08/2021 22:52

@Dashel thanks for the advice- I will try to look to the future-

OP posts:
Goneblank38 · 14/08/2021 22:53

Well done op!

You've done something that takes do much strength and bravery.

You should feel so proud.

Well done and keep going!

Original poster
Daretohope · 14/08/2021 23:02

@Goneblank38 thanks. It is very hard to stay away as it feels like it actually happened to someone else and I just witnessed it all or something and I don’t understand why it should feel
Like that.

OP posts:
Goneblank38 · 14/08/2021 23:14

Hi OP,
I'm no psychologist but perhaps that sense of disassociation you describe is a coping strategy for living with trauma? Could you also be in shock?

MotherofPoodles · 14/08/2021 23:17

Im pretty sure this is the first time I've read about a husband never apologising for his behaviour. Did you find this confusing and assumed you deserved his treatment? I ask because I did and it's so damaging.

It's difficult to talk about but I just wanted you to know that 10 years on my life isn't perfect by any means but I look back with disbelief that I was in a relationship with my ex. The ex I would have walked over hot coals to get back to. My dad was also ill and the last thing I'd have done is confide in him as, as you say you don't want to cause them to worry.

Im trying to think what helped me. Time and distance mainly. And the very last time I saw him he pushed me across my kitchen with such hatred and venom because I had accidentally trodden on his foot. This time I 100% knew I didn't deserve it and I swear he saw the penny drop.

I wish I could tell you a secret way to make missing him go away. Looking back it was filling the hole with something else that helped in the short term. Buy condoms 🤣. I was so totally and utterly broken but I didn't know so I beat myself up for being sad and crying and frankly a bit bat shit crazy. Panic attacks at the thought of getting through the next minute at times. Therapy helped me day to day to cope and anti depressants too. I slept a lot. I really hope it's easier for you and I would encourage you to reach out to your daughter. I wouldn't have done that but I was sick and it would have been the wrong decision. Let her help you. I hope I have t made this too much about me, I wanted to talk about my situation to try and think about what helped the most. There was a note I'd written to be found after my death, so sure was I he was going to go too far (he was a strangler too btw) one day, that said that my husband must be excused my death as I would have pushed him to it and he shouldn't suffer because of something I'd caused.

So no secret to make it all go away, but just imagination his face when you don't. Because I'm sure he will expect you to beg him to take you back.

MajorNeville · 14/08/2021 23:18

It is 24 years since my ex strangled me til I blacked out and 23 years since I left him. He played the whole thing down, refusing to accept I blacked out but I know he knows, I'd have gone limp in his hands and I saw the look of horror on his face when he thought he'd killed me. He was super nice afterwards and the abuse stopped, I thought I'd made the right decision to stay... until it started again. I will never forget the sinking feeling of regret, it was worse than the strangling tbh. I was trapped again. I hated myself for the fact I'd wasted another year, when I could've been a year into building a new life without him. It was another 2 months before I threw him out (i owned the house). The next few months were very hard, I missed him, the s as is hard to admit, but I missed the nice him, the charmer him. I just remembered that feeling of regret and I knew I could never go through that again.

You've made the first step, the second step is not going back. Every day is another step forward. Good luck, you can do this!

EmeraldShamrock · 14/08/2021 23:20

He'll kill you if you go back.
He'll have won in his mind, I'm sorry you're suffering and lonely, this time will pass its better it passes without him giving you the chance of new experiences.
It'll only end one way if you return. Flowers

Purplealienpuke · 14/08/2021 23:37

Welcome to your new life 💐
Yes its a bit scary. But now you have a bigger pair of balls than your ex, the world is your oyster 💜
Take it one day at a time.
You are a strong, amazing woman.
He doesn't deserve any of your pity or any other emotion.
Please think about speaking to your daughter. I bet she knows far more than you thought about your relationship issues.
There is always someone on here to chat to day or night 💐

CornishPastyDownUnder · 14/08/2021 23:39

As someone who left an abusive husband when i had2toddlers in a country that we had emigrated to (so i knew no-one ) id say that being preoccupied and busy(plus completely desperate) really did keep me focussed&engaged on the moving forward aspect-there wasnt time to really think about anything other than getting through each day-so if you dont have kids or anyone else if he's isolated you-maybe try and detatch fromS.M /block him and spend as much time out of the house walking as possible-volunteer your time,or join anything going -just make a concious decision on a "story" you will give to the people you meet..I used to say me ex was dead at playgroups it was no-ones business&i certainly didnt want to elaborate nor why should I..Later on i said he'd moved overseas..Sitting aroung pasting up photos/recounts of abuse maybe self-sabotaging in as much as it is all you know/knew and you are almost wanting to return to your jailer because you cant step away..Give yourself a fixed timeframe-take all the images down and put them in a carrierbag(no fancy box needed)-you know what he did to you and why you left..
Focus on extracting yourself mentally now you've done the physical side of it.Well done on freeing yourselfFlowers.

Mantlemoose · 14/08/2021 23:40

You don't realise just how brave you are. Take it a day or even an hour at a time, it does get easier, I promise you that. You might never hate him, you might always love him but if you're with him you'll never be loved or safe. You've done the hardest thing possible and it does get easier. Well done and wishing you all the luck in the world.

NotWanting · 14/08/2021 23:50

@Daretohope so glad you managed to work out how to start your own thread Flowers

..and so glad you found the strength to leave.

Thiink of this disgusting man as a disgusting habit that you need to break (like smoking). You know you need to stop, that its better for you not to do it again, but that habit is so hard to break - you think about it all the time, crave it - even though you know it's bad for you. However, it gets easier to withdraw, you look back and days turn into weeks then months before finally you go for months not even thinking about it.

So very proud of you.

Billybagpuss · 15/08/2021 07:35

Morning @Daretohope hope you’re feeling ok today.

I’m pleased you’ve managed to tell your DD, that’s one more weight off your mind.

What is your new home like? Do you have a balcony or a garden. All our local garden centres are selling off the summer plants now, how about planting up something to cheer it up a bit today.

HarryHedgehog · 15/08/2021 09:17

Op, have you thought about contacting the police about what he’s done? It might make it easier for you not to go back.

Hope you’re ok, and glad you got out xxxx

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/08/2021 09:43

@MajorNeville

It is 24 years since my ex strangled me til I blacked out and 23 years since I left him. He played the whole thing down, refusing to accept I blacked out but I know he knows, I'd have gone limp in his hands and I saw the look of horror on his face when he thought he'd killed me. He was super nice afterwards and the abuse stopped, I thought I'd made the right decision to stay... until it started again. I will never forget the sinking feeling of regret, it was worse than the strangling tbh. I was trapped again. I hated myself for the fact I'd wasted another year, when I could've been a year into building a new life without him. It was another 2 months before I threw him out (i owned the house). The next few months were very hard, I missed him, the s as is hard to admit, but I missed the nice him, the charmer him. I just remembered that feeling of regret and I knew I could never go through that again.

You've made the first step, the second step is not going back. Every day is another step forward. Good luck, you can do this!

My ex claimed he didn't try to kill me when he strangled me. He said because if he wanted to kill me he would. That was the closest i got to an apology.

Focus on finding something new to distract you.

billy1966 · 15/08/2021 10:08

OP,
Well done for leaving.

You are most certainly not alone.

This thread is your friend and your support anytime you need it.

Please go to a GP for support and to log what you have gone through.

Ring Women's Aid and ask have they any people local to you that could give you real life support.

Ask them are there any survivor's groups near to where you are.

Ask for some legal advice.

Gathering support around you will help you feel stronger and less alone.

Flowers
jellylegsbegone · 15/08/2021 15:20

The weekends are the hardest OP, to begin with but - unlike being with the abuser - YOUR LIFE WILL GET STEADILY EASIER AND MORE FULFILLING Flowers

Original poster
Daretohope · 15/08/2021 22:16

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am so exhausted today and have cried/slept/cried and then went for a walk. I am taking advice from you all and reading all your posts even if I don’t reply. You’re all a great source of support to me - thank you all so very much ❤️

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/08/2021 22:18

Well done OP.
Sleep is hugely restorative.🙄

jellylegsbegone · 16/08/2021 06:39

@billy1966 - ? Oh I think you used the wrong emoji!

LaBellina · 16/08/2021 06:44

Well done for leaving !
This is the hardest part. If you can get trough this, and stay away from this monster, your life will be so much better. I promise!
Also, keep in mind that by leaving, you have very likely literally saved yourself from getting killed by him. There are some very chilling statistics that say once a man tries to strangle you, your chance of getting murdered by your partner increases astronomically.

Please remind yourself it could literally be a deadly risk to go back to this man.

JulesCobb · 16/08/2021 07:50

@Daretohope youre doing so well. And other women in future who come across your thread will be inspired by your action.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 08:01

@billy1966

Well done OP. Sleep is hugely restorative.🙄
Clearly I needed some too! My apologies😁
JulesCobb · 16/08/2021 08:14

@billy1966 I just assumed you meant you werent getting enough!

Ourlady · 16/08/2021 08:18

Trauma bonding is so utterly debilitating for the person involved.
It takes over any rational thinking for the abused person.
It is bloody fantastic and amazing that the strength you have inside you has usurped all of those terrifying feelings and you have have managed to walk away with all of that conflicting mess going on inside your head.
You should be so proud of yourself that you have been able to get out of the hell hole your life has been for so many years.
He is a worthless monster who couldn't be half the person you are even if he tried.
I don't know you but I am immensely proud of your strength and determination to live out the rest of your life in peace.

blinkinblimey · 16/08/2021 10:29

@Daretohope

Please do something nice today FOR YOU. Flowers

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