My husband strangled me

[Daretohope]

I was on an old thread talking about how my husband strangled me. He has been abusive for 35 years and I finally left. He has abused me in every way possible but I loved him due to a trauma bond. I see him for what he is now but the last two days have been torture for me. I’m desperate to go back home and yes I miss him because he has isolated me from everybody else.
Here is what I have done - I took pictures of all my injuries and printed them out and put them on the wall. I then took A4 paper sheets and wrote all the things he had ever done to me and wallpapered the room with these. I’m trying so hard not to go home to my narcissistic abusive husband but you would not believe how hard it is to do this alone. My dad is 90 and not really with it so I support him and I do not tell him anything- there is no point as it would just upset him. I have done nothing but cry - I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m thinking I just can’t do this. It would be so much easier to just go back….. but I’m not going to - I’ve had enough and I feel sorry for him- I feel compassion for this monster who treated me so badly for all those years but I remind myself that he feels nothing for me and certainly not love. He has also been having some sort of emotional affair online with his first love for the last 3 years. He actually told HER he was sorry for something he said at high school! He called her beautiful. In all the years we were together he never said I was beautiful or said sorry for any of the despicable things he did to me. I wonder if there are kind and caring men out there who do not treat their wives or partners like crap.

@FOJN I keep re reading your post - abusers don’t change and I will keep reading it again and again thanks x

You sound like an amazing woman.

Such resilience.

Keep reaching out to old friends and keep posting.

One day at a time.

💐 well done for leaving. You deserve so much better!
As well as the Freedom Programme, you might benefit from counselling.

Contact some old friends too. Talk to them. See if you can rebuild relationships. I bet they will be delighted to hear from you!

@billy1966 Thanks. I was a bit down today because my friend was at a family thing with her big family and husband and children and my daughter was busy with her demanding job and boyfriend so it was just me and it was hard but I got through it like you said one day at a time x

@thelastgoldeneagle yes today was hard and it was difficult to be alone with my thoughts - I can’t afford to pay for counselling but I will ask the gp as I can’t lay it all on my friend I’ve just taken up with again after years of not seeing her. Thanks

You need to find some things you enjoy wherher it be going for a walk, find a book club, an exercise class. Something that gives you a focus and a sense of achievement. It is part of the finding you.

@Daretohope Just popping my head in to check you're okay. Keep going forward.

One day at a time.

Yes to the hobby suggestion. What did you used to like to do before the ex came on the scene?

@firstworldproblemsagain that’s a difficult question as I was 21 when I met him. Things that 21 year olds used to do like drinking in the pub, going to nightclubs and not much else. I don’t really drink now as I can’t tolerate it. Walking maybe, clear my head. I used to go to a gym too but can’t afford that now. Yes I do need to find something thanks 🙏

@EmeraldShamrock thank you. I’m ok but it is just the loneliness thing- being alone all the time among people on the street when everyone seems to be with someone. Then I go home alone. I’m coping though thanks.

@Starlightstarbright1 Thank you for that advice - I feel a bit like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride when she doesn’t know how she likes her eggs as she just has them whatever way her current man has them as she doesn’t know herself. I don’t know what I enjoy so I will just have to try things and see. Walking, cycling maybe. That is valuable advice as staying home alone all the time is not a good idea and at least I know what I don’t like which is a start. 😆

I feel so much better mentally if I get out for a bit. What did you used to do at the gym? Things like bike, could get a cheap one and try riding, treadmill, go walking, exercise class, could you afford a similar class on its own or exercise DVD or something off YouTube. Lots of options that don't cost much.

You'll find yourself laughing soon.
I was in an abusive relationship along time ago, like you I thought I missed him, I got drunk and rang him.
The pain and realisation hit me when I woke beside him I'd gone backwards and needed to crawl my out again.
I actually thought why didn't I have a random one night stand.
I hated being back with him, I'd had enough, when I told him and walked away he tried to knock me down with his car.
It is a lifetime ago and that decision made everything harder.
You will find compassionate companionship in new friends.
I'm so happy you're away from him.

@Daretohope Maybe a mumsnetter could meet for a coffee like the old days.
Volunteer for women in your situation it'll empower you, look for a support group, there is lots of people like you out there.

Don't go back. He will gloat about how much you need him. He will try to convince you that you can't manage without him. Move on and get a better life. Good luck

Do you like to swim? There are lots of outdoor swimming groups around the country that are really welcoming and many are in free venues like rivers, lakes and sea. But the groups are lovely, you could also look at something like ramblers if you want company while you walk.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons Thanks good suggestions - I will try to do some exercise as it always makes people feel a bit more positive.

@EmeraldShamrock

You'll find yourself laughing soon. I was in an abusive relationship along time ago, like you I thought I missed him, I got drunk and rang him. The pain and realisation hit me when I woke beside him I'd gone backwards and needed to crawl my out again. I actually thought why didn't I have a random one night stand. I hated being back with him, I'd had enough, when I told him and walked away he tried to knock me down with his car. It is a lifetime ago and that decision made everything harder. You will find compassionate companionship in new friends. I'm so happy you're away from him.

@EmeraldShamrock - thanks for the honesty - you went back but realised it was wrong - I’ve left him before and gone back - that could have been me writing the bit about the car. I’m so happy that you’re away from your abuser. I’m also glad to be away from the man who has abused me all these years. There is something wrong with them, not us. Thanks for the encouragement x

@Billybagpuss thank you for the suggestions but I’m not quite ready to socialise like that just yet but those activities do sound fun in the near future - thanks.

@EmeraldShamrock yes I would like to help others when I feel strong enough as I’m so grateful to you all for helping me x

@Bogeyes I’m not going back this time - I now believe that being alone is far better than being with him and being abused all the time. He never apologised - not once, because he wasn’t and isn’t sorry for anything he did to me. You are right as he would gloat. Thanks

www.meetup.com

Join meet up.
Search "narcissism" in the search box and get to some groups.
Search "domestic violence" and do the same.
Search other terms for things you are interested in, like healing, trauma, book clubs, or see what is happening in your local area.

[quote Daretohope]@Tallisimo thanks- at first I thought not but I think you are right and I reconnected with an older friend from High school today. I didn’t tell her my situation just got in touch and had a chat and a mention was made of meeting up in the future so hopefully that will work out. Had you not suggested that I wouldn’t have done it so thank you.[/quote]
So glad the comment was helpful. You really can do this, you know x

I left 15 months ago with nothing. My ex wasn't violent but he was a pathological liar. Classic narcissistic behaviour. It's hard. So hard. Don't ever go back. I'm 51 next month. I just have my Dad nearby and my kids. I have lots of friends. It helps. You will get lonely. But remember this. You got out. Not everyone does. And bit by bit. You will remember your value and how strong you are.

You left. You did that. Be proud of that.

You’re doing so well. Honestly- you’re amazing for breaking free, even though you found it daunting.

If you enjoyed the gym, how about going to parks with the outdoor equipment? Do you have any nearby?

Do you work? If not could you find a job to hel make friends?